Positively Yours

by Amanda Hearty

  ‘And what about the other twin?’ asked Erin.

  ‘Oh, well, I’m only going to bring one twin at a time down to the yacht club for a little Saturday afternoon outing.’

  ‘The yacht club?’ repeated Erin, trying not to smile.

  ‘Yeah, the twins can take it in turns to come with me, and these baby carriers will be perfect. None of this lugging buggies and big bags around. No, all I’ll need is the baby and the carrier!’

  ‘And what about the nappies, wipes, bottles, formula, and spare clothes?’

  It was obvious John hadn’t thought the idea through.

  ‘Well, I can just leave that stuff in the car. Anyway, it’s just occurred to me – what if we have a girl and I’m in the yacht club? Where will I change her? Do I bring her into the Men’s with me, or am I allowed into the female bathrooms now I’m with child? I thought there might be some info on toilet etiquette in your baby books, but they don’t seem to cover that.’

  ‘Well, first of all, you are not “with child”, John, and no amount of baby equipment will gain you access to the Ladies. And anyway, those bathrooms are pretty rotten. You’ll just have to change the baby somewhere else in the club house.’

  ‘What? No, I’ll talk to the club president about this, see what he can do.’

  Erin tried not to laugh. They hadn’t painted the nurseries, or bought any baby clothes or car seats, and yet all John was worried about was how the baby would get on in the yacht club.

  ‘Anyway, I got you something,’ said John, reaching into an Eason paper bag. He pulled out a Marie Claire magazine, a Hello! and a copy of the Irish Times.

  Erin grabbed the Marie Claire and opened it wide. She pulled the pages full of high fashion, beauty products and hair styles close to her face.

  ‘Oh, that’s good,’ she said, sniffing in the new print smell. ‘That’s really good.’

  ‘You’re such a weirdo,’ said John, handing her the latest issue of Hello!

  Erin opened the middle-page-spread interview with Tom Cruise and inhaled the smell there, too. For months she had been craving the smell of fresh print. From new magazines to unopened newspapers, she had to get that aroma. Other women might crave chocolate or tuna, but for her one whiff of Heat magazine was all she needed to feel good.

  After thoroughly sniffing her way through interviews with Brad Pitt, Kate Winslet and the royal family of Monaco, Erin tossed Hello! on to a pile of magazines as big as the European food mountain.

  ‘Did you already have that Hello!?’ asked John, thinking he could spot the cover under a TV guide catalogue.

  ‘Yeah, I’ve bought it twice already this week, but once opened the smell goes, so it’s useless.’

  ‘You could at least read them,’ said John, settling into an armchair beside her and wondering why she couldn’t have got addicted to something cheap like crushed ice, rather than expensive magazines that were rendered useless after a few sniffs.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll drop them into Alison, she loves magazines,’ said Erin, reaching into her handbag. ‘Anyway, I got you something today, too,’ she added, handing John three small black-and-white printouts of her latest baby ultrasounds.

  ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, but there are just so many doctor’s appointments. I can’t ask for time off work for them all.’

  ‘I know, don’t worry,’ reassured Erin. ‘The babies are getting big, aren’t they?’

  ‘Wow, you can see two legs and a foot in that one. But this one is amazing, it’s got a total side profile of one of them.’

  ‘I know,’ said Erin, getting up and perching on the arm of John’s chair. ‘The doctor asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the babies today; apparently he could tell by the way they were positioned. I was so tempted!’

  John looked at her with his mouth wide open. ‘And?’

  ‘And I didn’t, I want it to be a surprise.’

  ‘Well, I think I know from looking at this picture,’ he said.

  ‘Oh really?’ said Erin, unconvinced.

  ‘Yes,’ he said excitedly. ‘This side profile of the baby looks so like me as a child. I’m telling you, this one is a boy!’

  ‘That looks like you as a kid?’ asked Erin, pointing at the small blurry mesh of black, white and grey blobs.

  ‘Yeah, the chin, nose and forehead are exactly the way I looked.’

  Erin burst out laughing. ‘Well, unless your parents took X-ray photos, I can’t see how you can think that’s like you.’

  ‘Mark my words. That is a boy,’ said John, gazing at the picture proudly.

  ‘We can discuss this more in the car, we’re late for Stephen and Ruth’s.’

  ‘OK, but bring the printout. I want to show them. Stephen knew me as a kid, I bet he’ll think the baby looks like me, too!’

  Erin shook her head in disbelief but stuffed the printouts into her handbag nonetheless.

  Ten weeks ago their friends Ruth and Stephen had had their second child, Daniel. Their daughter Jessica was now twenty months old.

  ‘Are you sure you want to babysit?’ Ruth had asked Erin on the phone earlier that day.

  ‘Yes, we need the practice, and I’m sure you could do with some time alone.’

  ‘Well, we could, but we’re not going far, just to that new burger place for some food. We never have time to cook any more, so anything other than tea and toast will be a real treat!’

  Erin and John arrived just as Stephen was putting Jessica to bed upstairs.

  ‘Don’t worry, once she’s down she usually stays asleep all night,’ Ruth said. ‘It’s Daniel who will keep you busy! I’ll feed him now, and we’ll be back before his next feed, but if you’re stuck I’ll leave a bottle of expressed milk in the fridge.’

  Erin saw John blush.

  ‘But don’t worry, we’ll be back within two hours!’

  Erin was listening to Ruth, but noticed John surveying the house, which looked like an atomic bomb had gone off in it. Jessica had her toys spread out everywhere, and in-between a Dora the Explorer kitchen and a farm set was Daniel’s bouncer, his soft toy and a funny looking cradle.

  ‘It’s a newborn soother,’ said Ruth, seeing them eye up the cream cradle that sat in the middle of the floor. ‘It’s like a motorized Moses basket. It has three different soothing motions. Daniel falls asleep the minute we turn it on. I wish we’d had one when Jessica was that age. When I think of all the miles we walked every night in an attempt to get her to sleep! That’s how I shed the baby weight, it was all that exercise!’

  ‘How is Daniel doing?’ asked Erin, as Ruth began breastfeeding, and John awkwardly turned to look the other way.

  ‘It’s amazing how different girls and boys are,’ said Ruth. ‘Jessica was so alert, and even at a young age wanted to see what was going on, while Daniel is a real boy, and, just like any man, all he wants is food, sleep, and to be near a woman’s breast! And like all the men I know he hates changing clothes or being asked to do anything he doesn’t feel like! I swear he already protests at having to smile at strangers or say hello to visitors! Anyway, you’re so good to take him tonight. We’ll be back by ten, and since he’s just been fed he will probably nod off, and you’ll be able to sit down, relax and watch some TV.’

  ‘Great,’ said Erin, thinking that apart from the mess, looking after two children seemed pretty easy so far.

  ‘OK, Jessica is asleep. We had better go, before you guys change your minds,’ joked Stephen, as he came back into the room. Erin could see he had no interest in small chat, and just wanted to get out of the house.

  ‘Ring us if there’s a problem, and don’t forget to use the newborn soother, it’ll get Daniel to sleep in minutes!’ said Ruth, as she flung on her coat, headed to the front door and didn’t look back.

  ‘Shall I put Daniel in the soother basket thing now?’ asked John.

  ‘No,’ said Erin. ‘We don’t need all that electric motion. A baby should learn to fall asleep on its own. We won’t be buying som
e quick-fix sleeping soother solution. And if needs be a little walking with the child won’t hurt us. As Ruth said, it’s good exercise!’

  Forty-five minutes later there were tears rolling down Erin’s face.

  ‘My God, just turn the flipping soother on! What’s wrong with you?’ she shouted at John over Daniel’s cries. His wails were reaching ear-piercing levels. Tears, sweat and snot were running down his face.

  ‘It’s so complicated. I can’t get it to work,’ said John, whose T-shirt was stuck to his back. The heat of the room and the sweat from walking with Daniel for the past thirty minutes was getting to him. The second Ruth and Stephen had walked out the door everything had gone wrong. Daniel had gotten really upset and refused to calm down, and his yells had woken Jessica, who was now sitting in her pyjamas in front of the TV shouting that she wanted Cheerios, and crying for her mum.

  Suddenly a strange noise came from Daniel’s nappy. Erin felt a damp wetness soak through his Babygro.

  ‘Oh my God,’ said John, peering at the baby in Erin’s arms. ‘At least we now know what was wrong with him: he needed to go to the toilet. But look at his back! He’s got poo seeping through the Babygro.’

  Erin almost vomited. This night had been a bad idea.

  ‘OK, well, let’s change him. You get the water, I’ll carry him upstairs. And don’t forget to bring Jessica, she can’t be left alone.’

  Erin walked up the stairs and placed Daniel down on the nappy changer. John appeared with a bowl of water and Jessica, who was chewing on a rice cake. Erin started to remove Daniel’s Babygro.

  ‘Christ, he’s up to his neck in poo. Forget the cotton wool, this is a baby-wipe situation.’

  ‘I read that water is best. You see the water . . .’

  ‘I don’t care what is best,’ John interrupted. ‘This baby has poo under his armpits. Pass me the wipes.’

  John opened the nappy, but at the same time Daniel kicked his foot and it ended up right in the middle of the explosion. His poo-covered foot was now waving in mid-air. Erin went to clean it, when suddenly Daniel spit up. And before Erin could do anything, he had moved his head sideways and stuck his face into the vomit. He now had sick in his eyes and poo on his foot, and his back was still glued to his Babygro.

  ‘Bap,’ said Jessica, whose latest word was bap, which apparently meant ‘dirty nappy’.

  ‘Bap, indeed,’ said John, who was now opening a second bag of wipes. ‘This is worse than cleaning out the toilet on a boat,’ he said, gulping back the urge to vomit.

  Finally they got Daniel cleaned up. Erin had the baby in her arms, and was just about to dress him in fresh clothes, when he was sick again. This time Daniel managed to miss himself, and the vomit went straight down Erin’s expensive shirt. The sick collected in her rather large maternity bra. For a moment no one said anything. But then John started laughing, followed by Jessica, who’d laugh at anything that a grown up thought was funny.

  ‘OK, I’ll wash him. You change your top,’ said John.

  ‘I don’t have any spare clothes,’ whined Erin, who could feel the sick swishing as she moved her chest.

  ‘Just fling on one of Ruth’s jumpers, but hurry back. I can’t do this alone.’

  Erin filled a plastic bag with her shirt and bra. She found an oversized hoody of Stephen’s and flung it on. Back in the bedroom John had gotten things a little more under control, and Daniel was at least clean now, and had stopped crying.

  ‘OK, let me get him some new clothes,’ said Erin, opening a large chest of drawers. In the top drawer she found plenty of worn-out baby-blue all-in-one vests and Babygros. She was surprised to see the expensive French designer yellow sleepsuit she’d bought Daniel in the drawer unworn, and with its tags still on.

  ‘Well, you can wear this now,’ said Erin, as she began un-buttoning the sleepsuit.

  ‘Are you sure that’s the right way round?’ asked John. ‘Don’t the buttons usually go down the front?’

  ‘No. In the shop all the gorgeous French clothes had the buttons at the back. I suppose it means the front looks nicer.’

  John didn’t seem convinced. ‘How are we supposed to get him into it?’

  Erin looked at the sleepsuit. She tried to lower Daniel into it, but realized in order to fasten all the buttons she would need to lay him down.

  ‘But I can’t lay him face down just so I can fasten the buttons, he’d suffocate,’ said Erin, starting to realize there might be a reason the suit was unworn.

  ‘Forget fastening the buttons, we’d have to break his arm just to get him into it, it’s so small and tight,’ said John, who now had the baby’s arm wedged between the collar and the sleeve. Daniel’s face started going red and he began bawling.

  ‘My God, who invented these clothes?’ asked Erin with disbelief, as she debated cutting the baby out of the useless outfit.

  John managed to get Daniel out and decided to put him in a pair of pyjamas instead.

  ‘His feet will be cold in them,’ complained Erin.

  ‘Fine, I’ll get him some socks,’ replied John, opening a drawer that was full of tiny accessories. His large hands fiddled with the baby socks, bibs and hats.

  Erin turned to check on Jessica, and only then realized she wasn’t in the room. Erin ran through the house in a panic, only to find her standing in the middle of Ruth and Stephen’s bedroom. Jessica was painting the bedroom walls with an old dirty toilet brush. Erin ran and grabbed the toilet brush off her, only to notice Jessica’s face and hair were covered in Sudocrem. Erin had misplaced the Sudocrem while changing Daniel, but had been too busy to fret about it, but now as Jessica’s fair hair stood up stiff and white with the cream she knew she should have left it on a higher shelf. Erin found the half-empty jar of Sudocrem floating in the toilet bowl. She took a deep breath. Ruth and Stephen had only been gone an hour but already their house and children were in bits.

  Twenty minutes later John was stuffing Daniel with the expressed bottle of milk.

  ‘I don’t want to know what’s in this,’ he’d said as he’d heated it up.

  Erin had cleaned Jessica, and was now trying to pull her down from the coffee table. Jessica was full of energy, and seemed to like climbing, shouting at the baby and pulling the fake coal from the fire the best. It was while trying to piece the gas fire and its coal back together that Erin noticed Daniel’s feet as John walked with him.

  ‘What have you got on his feet?’ she asked.

  ‘Socks, like you told me,’ replied her husband.

  Erin took a closer look.

  ‘They’re not socks. They’re mittens!’

  Erin and then Jessica began laughing. Jessica took this opportunity and moment’s distraction to turn over the kitchen bin. Erin watched as the poo-filled nappy, vomited stained clothes and toilet-water-flooded Sudocrem jar all rolled out on to the kitchen floor.

  ‘We have to get these kids to bed,’ she said, exhausted.

  Finally, John put Daniel into the baby soother crib, which he had set rocking on full blast. As the crib rumbled away, John managed to persuade Jessica to return to bed by giving her Cheerios and juice.

  ‘It’s probably too late for her to have juice,’ said Erin.

  ‘I think tooth decay is the least of our worries,’ said John, as he wearily carried Jessica out of the room, leaving Erin to finally sit down.

  Erin surveyed the room, and already she didn’t care about the mess. She was just glad it was quiet again. Who cared if it was untidy or dirty? It was just such a relief it didn’t contain a screaming baby or Sudocremed toddler.

  A little later Ruth and Stephen returned home.

  ‘So, how were they?’ asked Ruth, who looked better for her two hours out of the house.

  John looked at Erin, and with his eyes told her to lie.

  ‘They’ve been as good as gold,’ said Erin. ‘We had a few little hiccups, but nothing we couldn’t handle!’

  ‘Oh, that’s such a relief. You two are such good f
riends.’

  ‘Cheers, mate,’ Stephen said to John. ‘Why don’t you both stay for a beer?’

  Erin could tell from the look on John’s face that the last thing he wanted to do was stay another five minutes. They were both exhausted.

  ‘Thanks, Stephen, but I’ll have to drag John home. My own two little bumps are kicking like mad. I need to lie down, but thanks for the offer.’

  Erin had barely said goodbye before John had his coat on and was walking out to the car.

  Neither spoke for the first ten minutes of the journey home.

  ‘I never realized how much work it entailed,’ said John, wrapped in his memories of the last two hours.

  ‘I never knew a small baby could puke or poo that much,’ added Erin.

  ‘What have we got ourselves into?’ asked John.

  Erin didn’t reply. Finally John started giggling, and then he broke into full, hearty laughter. ‘If you had seen the look on your face when Daniel puked into your bra. It was hilarious!’

  Erin couldn’t help but laugh herself. The bag of dirty clothes lay in the boot of the car, a memento of their ill-fated babysitting episode.

  ‘I didn’t have the heart to tell Ruth that Jessica ate most of her Jo Malone body lotion.’

  John laughed again, but they were both thinking that the fact they were expecting twins soon was suddenly very real and scary.

  ‘Don’t worry, Erin, our kids will be different, and it’s probably much easier when you’re minding your own children.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ said Erin, but she didn’t sound too convinced.

  ‘But one thing I have decided is that tomorrow I’m going out and buying, not one, but two baby soothers for our children!’

  ‘They’re miracle machines,’ whispered Erin, as she leant back into the seat and nodded off. For once she didn’t dream about babies; she’d had enough of them for one night.

  39

  ‘AND NOW LET’S have everyone on to the dance floor for “Rock the Boat”!’ the DJ shouted to the crowd.

  Beth Prendergast gazed at the sweaty DJ sitting behind his decks. Was he joking? ‘Rock the Boat’? The corniest song ever, especially for a wedding. But obviously other people didn’t feel the same way, as Beth was almost knocked to the ground by them pushing to get to the dance floor. Beth watched as they sat down in a line on the ground and began swaying from side to side. Christ, I can’t do that, I’d go into labour, she thought. She looked for an escape route.