“Why?” Dusty asked. She really just wanted to be alone.
Eve’s smile faded. “I don’t know. It’s raining, and I thought it would be nice and cozy and…” She faltered. “I wanted to talk, okay? Can I just come in and talk to you?”
Dusty paused, then with an inner sigh, she stepped back and opened the door. Living with Eve was getting to be like having a kid sister who always wanted to hang out. What’d happened to the days when being at home meant having time to herself and no one wanting anything from her?
For the first few years, Maggie and Addison had been only her landladies, the other tenants people she didn’t know who came and went with no disruption to her life. But then she’d let people in, she’d opened herself up, allowed herself to care—and what’d it gotten her? Addison, the one person in her life since her gramma who’d been a role model for what Dusty ultimately wanted to be, had turned out to be just as flawed as Dusty. Maggie, whom she loved like the mother she’d never known, though putting up a brave front, was sad, her strong spirit not broken but certainly suffering from a hard hit—and Dusty had failed her just as surely as Addison had. She’d known about Victoria and hadn’t been able to do a dammed thing to stop it. And the one person Dusty would’ve wanted to be with right now had all but vanished. Tess was either with Maggie, which, of course, was understandable, or she was gone or locked in her room, working. Now here was Eve, settling onto Dusty’s bed, handing her a cup of hot chocolate and wanting…what?
Eve stared at her.
“Okay, what?” Dusty’s tone was sharper than she’d meant it to be.
Eve pursed her lips. “Are you mad at me?” she asked, her eyes wary. “Did I do something wrong?”
Dusty called herself into check. “No.” She looked out the window at the wet day. Of course she wasn’t mad at Eve—almost everyone else, but not Eve. She was mad at Addison, Victoria, herself, even maybe a little at Tess for being so absent right now. She knew, deep down, that Tess had no obligation to her, no reason to be doing anything other than exactly what she was doing. Dusty remembered her plan to tell Tess how she felt, that she was in love with her. How close she’d come that night. What a farce that’d been. If Maggie and Addison couldn’t make it, she had about as much chance of having anything with Tess as a cat had of winning a dog show. Disappointment swelled within her. She rubbed her hand over her eyes to stop the burn of tears that threatened. “I’m sorry.” She turned back to Eve. “What do you want to talk about?”
Eve glanced down into her mug. “I just feel so bad for Maggie. How could Addison do that to her? She loves Addison so much.”
“I dunno.” Dusty shrugged and took a sip of cocoa. She knew what Rebecca would say, had said at other times like these. We’re all here for the same reason, just to work out whatever it is we’re here to work out. There is no right or wrong. Dusty pushed the words away. She didn’t want to hear Rebecca right now. She wanted someone to be wrong. She wanted to blame Addison. That way she could stay mad and avoid whatever was nagging at her underneath. “She’s just being stupid.”
Eve frowned. “I think it’s awful what she did. I thought she was so nice and that her and Maggie’s relationship was so strong. I never would have thought…”
Dusty stopped listening. She watched Eve’s lips move but remained focused on her own musings. She was mad at Addison, yes, but still, Addison was her friend. It felt wrong to sit here and bash her. Of all people, shouldn’t Dusty be the one to cut her some slack? She had no explanation for Addison’s behavior, or for her decisions, given what Addison was throwing away, but Dusty had done her share of…what was the word…philandering? What a weird word. It sounded like such a happy word, but if this were the result, there was nothing happy about it.
“…she made a commitment.” Eve rambled on.
Dusty recalled the first night she’d seen Addison with Victoria at Vibes and remembered her realization that she had done exactly what Victoria was doing, numerous times. Her guilt began to creep in again. As she felt it worm its way through her, she became aware there was no difference between being on Victoria’s end and being on Addison’s. Cheating was cheating, and wasn’t cheating wrong? There is no right or wrong. It seemed to Dusty, though, that just made them both wrong, so she still had to be mad at Addison—and as much as one part of her wanted not to be, another part wanted to be. Jeez, she was confused. Eve’s voice filtered in. She looked up and studied her. Why was Eve so mad? An idea struck her. “Hey,” she said.
Eve’s rant halted. She looked startled. “What?”
“Do you feel guilty for leaving Jeremy?”
Eve blinked. “Guilty?” She paused. “You think what I did is the same as what Addison did?” Her eyes narrowed and her anger now seemed directed at Dusty.
“No.” She wondered if a less direct approach might’ve been better. “I don’t think it’s the same. I just wondered if you feel guilty.”
Eve sat quiet for a moment. She pursed her lips. “Yes,” she said finally. “I do.” Her voice softened. “I made promises to him, and he believed me. And now it looks like I’m not going to keep them. So, yes, I feel guilty.”
Dusty nodded. Okay, both she and Eve felt guilty.
“I thought at the time I’d be able to. I just didn’t know myself.” Eve sounded defensive. “Do you think Addison didn’t know about this part of her?” Her expression seemed to beg for an answer.
With sudden understanding, Dusty knew she was no longer the baby of this family. She really did have a kid sister, someone who now looked to her the way she’d always gone to Maggie or Addison. She fidgeted. “I dunno. Maybe. I don’t really have any idea what Addison’s thinking, and I can’t make myself care because I’m just so mad. So, I’m trying to figure out why I’m mad. Why I just want to judge her.”
“Well…” Eve tilted her head thoughtfully. “What she did was pretty awful.”
“Really? Was it?” Dusty watched the rain trickle down the window. “I mean, was it any more awful than anything I’ve done?” She felt herself flush. “I’ve slept with all kinds of women who were in committed relationships without caring who it might hurt. How do you think the partners of those women felt? But at the time, it never even occurred to me. I was just doing what I needed to do to feel better. I know more now, but then I didn’t. And what about you? You’re just doing what’s right for you, what you need to do in order to work through your stuff and live a happy life. And, yeah, Jeremy’s being great about it, but he has to be hurting some, don’t you think?”
“Are you just trying to make me feel bad?” Eve started to turn away.
Dusty grabbed her arm. “No. I’m trying to figure out what I’m feeling, why a part of me wants to be mad at Addison, but another part thinks I shouldn’t be. Maybe because I feel guilty for what I’ve done, I’m mad at her, but not really for what she’s doing, but for showing me how what I’ve done looks and feels. Does that make sense?”
Eve furrowed her brow and tightened her lips. “I’m not sure. When you put it that way, it sounds like we’re all just horrible, selfish people.”
Dusty sighed. “Yeah, it does kinda, doesn’t it?” She knew there was more to it, though. Something else, some other piece niggled around inside her, peeking out here and there. She needed help, she decided. She stood. “I gotta go.”
Eve jumped up too, and a splash of her hot chocolate landed on Dusty’s sheets. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She dashed to the bathroom. “Go where?” she called over her shoulder. She returned with a towel and began patting the spill.
“Rebecca’s,” Dusty said, rifling through her sock drawer. “I need to talk to Rebecca.”
Eve watched her. “Can I go?” she asked in true kid sister fashion.
Dusty chuckled. “Sure,” she said, kind of liking her new role. “Can we take your car? Otherwise, we have to mess with rain gear.”
*
A half hour later, Dusty knocked on the front door of the condo where Rebecca and Jessica ha
d lived for the past four years. Their relationship had seemed to appear out of nowhere. No one knew where it came from, except for them, of course. One minute Rebecca was still long-single, and the next, she was living with Jessica, a woman no one else had even seen before. That was how Rebecca did things, though. When she said yes to something, it was instant and sure, and it was lasting.
“Ya got that, Becca?” Jessica called from somewhere within the condo.
“Got it.” Rebecca’s answer came just as the door swung open. She greeted Dusty and Eve with her customary warm and inviting smile. “Look at the two of you. Getting to be good friends?” Her deep yellow lounge wear glowed gold against her dark skin.
Dusty glanced at Eve, feeling a little bad for her earlier irritation.
“Come on in,” Rebecca said, not waiting for a response. She ushered them through the foyer. “Excuse the mess. Jessica’s redecorating again.” The smell of fresh paint thickened the air, and clear plastic covered the furniture, artwork, and hardwood floor of the living room. “She does it every six months,” she said to Eve.
“Lies!” Jessica’s voice sounded from behind the baby grand piano in the far corner.
“But it always looks beautiful,” Rebecca said loudly. She raised an eyebrow at Dusty. “Kitchen,” she whispered.
As Dusty and Eve settled in the tall chairs around the high table, Rebecca poured three cups of hot water from the kettle on the stove and placed them on a tray with a small basket holding a variety of herbal teas. She eased herself into one of the remaining seats. “What can I do for you ladies today?”
Dusty and Eve exchanged glances.
Eve dropped a tea bag into her cup.
“Nothing’s right at home.” Dusty blurted it out without realizing the words were on their way. She sounded like an eight-year-old, but then that’s exactly how she felt—like a child whose home was falling apart. “Addison’s gone. Maggie’s hurt. The house is too quiet.”
Rebecca reached across the table and squeezed Dusty’s hand. “First of all, I’ve spoken with Maggie, and she’s working out her feelings. She’ll be fine. Secondly, nothing is actually wrong at home. Things are simply different.”
Dusty’s tension eased. She’d known that’s what Rebecca would say. She’d just needed the reassurance of hearing it. Rebecca had a way of seeing things that made sense out of a world that seemed senseless. Dusty sighed. “I just wanna kick Addison’s ass. Why am I so mad at her?”
“Why are you?” Rebecca asked. She took a sip of her tea.
“It was just such a stupid thing to do.”
“Why was it stupid?”
“Because.” Dusty stared at Rebecca. “She has Maggie and their life together. Why would she throw all that away?”
Rebecca rested her forearms on the edge of the table and held her cup in front of her. “Who says she’s thrown it away? Perhaps Addison needs to experience this in order to learn something about herself or the life she’s created with Maggie. Perhaps once she learns it, she’ll be back. And if it turns out that life as it has been changes, then it’s time for it to change—by Addison’s and Maggie’s decisions together. Neither one is a victim.”
“What did Maggie do?” Eve asked, clearly confused. “Is she having an affair, too?”
“Not to my knowledge,” Rebecca said. “But for her to be experiencing this, there would have to be a time in her life that she did something similar to someone else, and she must still feel guilty about it.”
“I don’t understand,” Eve said.
Rebecca set down her tea. “Do you think the events of our lives take place at random? What we experience comes from what we believe and what we think. If we believe something will happen or we are afraid it will, we ultimately create it in our lives. If we fear something will happen, it is the result of guilt from when we did it, and we are afraid then it will happen to us. This isn’t usually on a conscious level that we’re aware of, but if you think about it—look at your own life—you’ll most likely see an example of it. We do something. We feel guilty for it. Out of that guilt comes a fear it can happen to us, and from the guilt and fear, we create it. In essence, we project the guilt out and create the same circumstance for ourselves so we can see it and know what it feels like to be on the other end. Maggie has held on to some guilt and fears for years that now have come to fruition. So now she can choose to forgive the guilt. She can see there is really nothing to fear. That she’ll be fine and is fine, no matter what, and that anyone she’s done this to in the past must also be fine.”
“Wow, I never would’ve thought of that,” Eve said, her tone pensive.
“Maybe I’m just mad at myself,” Dusty said.
“Ah, now we’re getting to the heart of it.” Rebecca smiled. “Why do you think you’re mad at yourself?”
“For when I did things like this. Besides, I knew. I saw Addison with that woman at the bar. I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop it.”
Rebecca took Dusty’s hand and held her in her loving gaze. “Of course you couldn’t, sweetie. It wasn’t yours to stop.”
Dusty searched Rebecca’s eyes. She relaxed into their tenderness, grateful to be told it wasn’t her fault.
“This is just something Addison needs to do. There’s something about it she needs to experience, something she needs to know that she can’t know any other way. We don’t have any idea what that is, and we don’t need to. Our part, as her friends, is to love her through it and let her know she isn’t alone. It’s not to judge her. Don’t you think she may need a friend right now, too?”
“Yeah,” Dusty said slowly. “I thought of that, but a part of me wanted her to feel alone, like I think Maggie feels.”
“That isn’t your place. Besides, Maggie isn’t alone. She’s surrounded by loving friends, the two of you included. So be loving friends—to both of them.”
Dusty looked at Eve and saw her own regret reflected in her eyes.
“And,” Rebecca said, tapping Dusty’s teacup. “You’re actually mad at yourself for the first reason you tried to gloss over.”
Dusty shifted her attention back to Rebecca. “I am?”
“Mm-hm. You’re mad at yourself for doing the same thing, but you want to judge her instead of facing that. I’m going to take a wild stab here and guess that maybe it’s all your own promiscuous behavior over the years that you feel guilty about, now that you’ve experienced something different. Addison is just showing you who you’ve been.”
“Hey.” Eve perked up and looked at Dusty. “That’s what you said.”
Rebecca laughed. “I’m glad to see you’ve been listening over the years.”
Dusty frowned. “I’ve been listening. I just don’t like it.”
“And now I see what you were saying about me and Jeremy.” Eve turned to Rebecca. “I was being really judgmental of Addison earlier, and Dusty asked me if I felt guilty about leaving Jeremy, which I do, to a degree. I feel guilty about leaving him, so I’m critical of Addison for not valuing her relationship with Maggie. Is that right?”
“Exactly.”
Eve looked pleased, then hesitated. “So, what do we do?”
“Recognize you aren’t doing anything wrong. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. You’re doing what you need to do in order to live an authentic life. You didn’t know you’re gay when you married Jeremy, did you?”
“No.”
“How could you have done anything wrong if you didn’t know?” Rebecca’s tone was gentle. “Even if you had known, if you could have done it differently, you would have. We always do the best we can with what we know at the time. And, Dusty, we’ve talked before about you needing all those women in order to feel connected because you weren’t ready yet for any kind of real emotional connection. You were just doing the only thing you knew at the time. Addison’s doing the same.”
“But didn’t Addison know better? She knew she promised to be faithful to Maggie. She knew better, but she cheated on her anywa
y.”
Rebecca looked thoughtful. “If you mean she knew the promise she made to Maggie and that she was breaking it,” she said, “then, yes, she knew better. But if you take into account that sometimes we have to experience things in order to learn what we need to learn from them, and that often we don’t know what that is until after the fact, then perhaps she didn’t, actually, know better.”
“But she did it in Maggie’s bedroom,” Dusty said.
Rebecca smiled softly. “That certainly upped the emotional charge and got everyone’s attention, didn’t it? We don’t know how they ended up there, but knowing Addison, I doubt very much she deliberately set out to violate her and Maggie’s private space. Do you think so?”
Dusty thought of the Addison she knew. Of course not. She shook her head.
“Sometimes that level of emotional charge forces us to look at things we were happy avoiding. The bottom line is that there might be a lot of things about it we might never understand, and we don’t need to, as I said before. Maggie and Addison certainly have some things to look at, and they’re both doing the best they can with it. And you two, given your closeness to the situation, also have the opportunity to let go of your own guilt for things you feel you’ve done. The most important thing you can do is just love everyone involved.”
Dusty nodded.
“And when you recognize that and let go of the judgments of yourself, then, and only then, can you see Addison differently. I want to add, though,” Rebecca said, the timber of her voice lowering. “You’re also mad at Addison because she’s doing what she set up for herself to do and you’re not, at the moment.”
“What do you—”
“You know what I mean.” Rebecca gave Dusty a pointed look.
Tess flashed in Dusty’s mind. She flinched. “You mean Te—” She glanced at Eve.
“Oh, who do you think you’re fooling? I know about you and Tess.” Eve laughed. “I saw you coming out of her bedroom the first week I was there. Remember?”
Threads of the Heart Page 21