Room for Recovery

by D. J. Jamison

  “Hey, sorry. Have to run Katy to school today,” Wade said.

  “No problem.”

  Beau had wondered why Wade didn’t come over for breakfast, but it wasn’t the first time he’d shown up too late to come in and eat. “Hi, Katy.”

  She turned and grinned at him. “I can’t believe Wade is finally driving me. My friends will be so jealous.” She made a face. “They all have crushes on him.”

  Beau laughed. “I believe it. You should invite them for a sleep-over,” he said, knowing Wade would hate every second of it. “Then you can maximize his cool factor.”

  “Good idea!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands in delight.

  He caught Wade’s gaze in the rearview mirror. Wade rolled his eyes, then refocused on the road. “Thanks, Beau. Your contribution to my insanity is noted.”

  Beau laughed again, relieved at how easy things were between them. He’d worried after their weird fight over Miles. He was still embarrassed by the way his “date” with Miles had gone, but at least his interactions with Miles were limited to band class. He didn’t want things to be weird with Wade too.

  Katy kept up a stream of chatter about her friends, the science project they were doing that day and the winter music program she was rehearsing. She complained at length about the horror of failing to make the middle school cheer team. Even so, it was clear she was happy and well-adjusted in Ashe.

  Wade pulled up to the curb. When Katy didn’t make a move, he frowned. “We’re here.”

  “I know, but could you walk around and open my door for me?”

  “What? No.”

  “But I want people to see you,” she said, making big eyes. “You’re so cool.”

  He sighed. “Katy, I’m your brother, not your boyfriend.”

  “Ew, I know!” She huffed. “I just need some cool points after that cheer audition disaster.”

  “Beau will open your door. He needs to move to the front anyway.”

  She cast a skeptical look at Beau, but Wade was unmoved. So much for being a tween girl’s fantasy, Beau thought, with an amused smile.

  He got out and opened the door. “Sorry, I’m not as cool as Wade,” he told her as she climbed out.

  “It’s okay, you’re nicer,” she said. “Plus, you’re not my brother, so I can improvise.”

  She leaned up on tiptoes and smacked a kiss to his lips. She was there and gone before Beau could react. He watched her run up to a group of girls, who all looked in his direction and giggled. Katy waved at him, and Beau humored her and waved back before getting into the car.

  ***

  “You kissed my sister.”

  Beau looked at Wade, bemused. “Pretty sure she kissed me.”

  “Still. My little sister …”

  Wade was irrationally angry — and not because Beau kissed his sister, but because his sister kissed Beau. Because he wanted to be the one kissing Beau. Not Miles. Not his sister. Him.

  “I can’t believe that was my first kiss,” Beau said with a laugh. “A girl. But hey, you could always kiss me,” he said in a teasing voice. “Then I’d have all my bases covered.”

  Wade didn’t respond, unable to find words as a wave of want hit him, and Beau was beginning to babble nervously, which wasn’t helping Wade fight the urge taking root inside him. Beau was seriously cute when he babbled.

  “The whole Ritter family. I could be like the kissing boy. You’ve heard of the whipping boy? I’ll just be the boy the whole family kisses. Except not your mom because— You know what, I’ll just shut up now.”

  Why not kiss Beau? He broke up with Anna. He was single and free to kiss whoever he wanted. Beau wants it too, so what’s the harm of one kiss?

  “You want me to kiss you?” Wade asked, his voice sounding distant to his own ears, as if he were speaking in a tunnel. His heart rate kicked up in his chest as the idea took hold.

  “Um, Wade, I was just kidding,” Beau said nervously. “I know you’re dating Anna.”

  “Anna and I broke up,” Wade said.

  “Oh,” Beau said, “that’s … I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  Wade shook his head. He didn’t know much, but he knew he didn’t want to talk about that break-up speech, or the vague suspicions Anna had about his friendship with Beau.

  Anna already thinks you’re gay, a voice whispered in his mind. What harm could kissing Beau really do at this point?

  Decision made, Wade turned right at the next corner, then drove up the street until he spotted an alley.

  “Where are you going?” Beau asked in an apprehensive voice. “School is the other way.”

  “You want to kiss me, so let’s do it. What the hell?” he said as he whipped into the alley and slammed the car into park.

  Beau spluttered something incoherent, and Wade left him to it as he opened his door and got out. He paced back and forth in front of the car, wondering if he’d lost his mind. He ran nervous hands through his hair, then thought, screw it.

  He opened Beau’s door. It was a sign of Beau’s trust that he hadn’t locked it, even as Wade acted like a crazy person.

  “I’m sorry,” Beau said, eyes wide. “You don’t have to—”

  Wade bent down and clasped his face. He met Beau’s startled eyes.

  “You can’t tell anyone.”

  “Okay,” he whispered.

  Wade closed his eyes and bridged the distance between them. His lips brushed over Beau’s.

  They were soft, softer than he imagined. Wade traced his plump bottom lip with the tip of his tongue, and Beau’s mouth parted in a gasp.

  He drew back. “Still think my sister was your first real kiss?”

  Beau wordlessly shook his head and pulled Wade back to his mouth. Beau kissed him eagerly, making breathy little sounds as their tongues met, and Wade had trouble breaking away.

  Beau wasn’t his first kiss; he wasn’t even his first kiss with a boy. That honor went to Carlos Mendez at age fourteen, before his life went to shit. But Wade had forgotten how different it was to kiss a guy. He’d fooled himself into thinking lips were lips, but there was something to be said for an underlying attraction. What he felt for Beau surpassed any feelings he could drum up for Anna. For that matter, what he felt for Beau went much deeper than the crush he’d had on Carlos.

  The kiss was everything he wanted, and nothing he should have.

  He did pull away. Even though he’d parked in an alley, they were out in the open. Someone could see them. It was unlikely, but possible, and he wasn’t ready to be the next gay kid at Ashe High. Looking at the flush in Beau’s cheeks and the brightness of his eyes, Wade knew he’d made a mistake.

  He retreated to his side of the car and pulled out to circle the block.

  “Um, so …”

  “Let’s not talk about it,” Wade said, heart still beating fast in his chest.

  He’d kissed Beau. He’d really done it, and now nothing would ever be the same between them. He couldn’t keep driving Beau to school and back, showing up at his house for tutoring, after this.

  Beau would want more. Wade would want more. But they couldn’t. Not after Anna’s veiled comments. She already suspected he was gay, and he wasn’t ready to be that guy.

  “Oh.” Beau sounded disappointed, and Wade’s stomach clenched. He was about to make Beau a whole lot more disappointed before the day was over, but it was for the best. For both of them.

  Keep telling yourself that. You were selfish, taking that kiss. For leading him on.

  He had to end things here. Either someone would figure out Wade wasn’t the straight guy he seemed, or he’d end up hurting Beau — probably both. Because he couldn’t be the guy Beau wanted. He couldn’t take Miles’ place.

  Wade pulled up to the curb in from of Ashe High, edging along at a snail’s pace behind another car as he approached the drop-off zone.

  “How are things with Jeremy and Billy?” he asked. He wanted to make sure that they’d backed off before
he left Beau on his own. A small part of him hoped that Beau would say they were harassing him, if only to give Wade a reason to hang on.

  “They’re assholes,” Beau said, “but what’s new?”

  “Have they tried anything else?”

  “No, everything’s been fine.”

  Wade tapped his index finger on the steering wheel. “Good. They probably won’t bug you because they know I’ve got your back.”

  Wade didn’t mean to sound egotistical, but people tended to listen to him. If he told them to leave Beau alone, they did.

  “I guess so. Thanks,” he said.

  Beau’s voice was cautious, as if he suspected where Wade’s line of questioning was going. Wade’s stomach churned with guilt, but he swallowed hard and forced the words out.

  “I’m thinking you can get to school and back on your own now.”

  His words fell like a heavy weight between them. After a pause, Beau exhaled. “Okay.”

  “And my grades are a lot better, so I probably won’t need any more tutoring.”

  “Business as usual, huh?” Beau said in a falsely bright tone. “You and me, strangers who pass in the hallway.”

  Wade didn’t look at him. “It’s for the best. You heard my sister. I’m not a nice guy.”

  “But you have been,” Beau whispered.

  “Not anymore,” Wade said grimly. “I felt responsible for you because we’re like family—”

  “Oh, was that supposed to be a brotherly kiss?” Beau asked, angry now.

  Wade took the hit and knew he deserved it. Knowing he was about to break off their friendship made it easier for him to kiss Beau because he didn’t have to worry about it becoming something more. But it probably made it worse for Beau.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why’d you do that?” Beau asked, his voice cracking. “Why today, if you knew …”

  “I don’t know,” Wade said, running his hands through his hair.

  “Try again,” Beau snapped.

  Wade stared straight ahead through the windshield and lied through his teeth. “I guess I wanted to do it once, just to see what it was like.”

  “And now you see,” Beau said flatly. “I guess I’m just not all that.”

  Wade’s chest tightened, and he couldn’t get any more words out. But he didn’t have to. Beau flung open the door and jumped out, slamming it behind him.

  ***

  Beau couldn’t remember having a worse day, and that included the day Billy punched him in the face.

  A tide of fury carried him through the first two hours of school. By the time he met up with Ker and Nate, he felt hollow. Luckily, they’d assumed his bad mood was related to his date. He’d been able to honestly tell them that his night with Miles had been a disaster.

  Then on their way out of the class they shared right before lunch, he noticed Nate holding Ker’s hand.

  “When did this happen?” he asked, his heart sinking. All he needed was to become the third wheel to his two best friends.

  Ker blushed, and Nate ducked his head. They were adorable, and it made Beau want to retch. He knew he should be happy for them, and he was, but … not today.

  “It’s new,” Ker said.

  “We hung out this weekend,” Nate said. “And, um, I finally got the courage to ask her out. I figured if you could go out with Miles, I could at least try.”

  “Great,” Beau said without enthusiasm. His dating disaster led to his best friends’ happily ever after. How was that fair?

  “Try not to sound so happy for us,” Ker said.

  “Sorry,” Beau said. “I’m crappy company today. I’m going to skip lunch.”

  Ker protested, but Nate advised her to let Beau go sulk in private. Beau tapped knuckles with him in solidarity before leaving to hide out in the library.

  The rest of the day continued in similar fashion. He fumbled his way through it, only half-aware of his surroundings as he replayed the events of the past couple of days. It was easy to see now that Wade had been jealous of Miles. That he felt something for Beau. He claimed he kissed him out of curiosity only, but that couldn’t be true.

  Or maybe that’s just what you want to believe.

  Eventually, the last class of the day arrived. Band practice.

  With everything that happened with Wade, Friday night felt a million years ago. Still, marching with Miles was awkward. They kept more space between their bodies than usual, and the easy conversation between songs was missing. Instead, a tense silence vibrated.

  After class, Miles approached. “You hook up with Wade?”

  For a brief moment, the morning’s kiss flashed through his mind. The intense blue of Wade’s eyes as he brought his face close, the warmth of his breath and then his lips and tongue. He’d taken Beau by surprise, sent him soaring, and then thrown him back to the ground.

  Beau looked up from his case, where he was packing away his saxophone at the edge of the field. He glanced to the sidelines where Wade usually waited. The empty space there mocked him.

  He never cared about you, stupid.

  “I told you it wasn’t like that with him.”

  “Sure looked like it,” Miles said.

  “Guess you were wrong.” Beau flipped down the latches of the sax case and picked it up. “I’ve gotta go.”

  “Sorry, man,” Miles said, sounding only halfway sincere. “I thought I was doing you a favor. Still friends?”

  Beau nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

  He didn’t have the emotional energy to hold a grudge right now. Plus, he needed to hurry out of there to catch Ker before she left. He hadn’t mentioned Wade wouldn’t be driving him home, partly because he didn’t want to answer the inevitable questions and partly in the hope Wade might change his mind and show up after school.

  He didn’t.

  Chapter 17

  Wade saw Shane and Anna standing by his locker the week before Thanksgiving, hands clasped and heads bent toward one another as they talked. His steps faltered. Awkward.

  He’d given Shane his blessing to ask out Anna when he told him they’d broken up. But it was still uncomfortable to hang out with them. It felt weird. Like watching someone wear your clothes. Maybe the clothes didn’t fit right anymore, maybe they were out of style, but they were yours and they looked out of place on another body.

  On second thought, comparing Anna to a belonging was probably misogynistic.

  He turned around, intending to go the other way to avoid them, and saw Beau walking with his two close friends, Ker and Nate. He knew their names, and a lot of other useless details after spending way too much time Facebook stalking Beau. Even though he’d avoided Beau for more than a week, he’d had trouble completely letting go. So, he lived through the small updates, photos and comments he found online to soothe the part of him that ached to talk to him.

  He’d kind of expected Beau to call or text him, but he’d let Wade go without a fight. He didn’t even look at him anymore, and fuck did that hurt.

  Wade knew he deserved the cold shoulder. He was wrong to kiss and run. He’d hurt Beau, and that sucked even more than the fact he’d also hurt himself.

  The desire to reach out, to connect with Beau physically as well as emotionally was always there, like the hum of a refrigerator in the background. But he was afraid. Afraid of so many things he couldn’t name them all. Afraid of being a living disappointment to his dead father. Afraid of hurting Beau like he’d hurt so many others. Afraid of trying to rebuild his life in the shape he wanted for himself.

  As much as his father’s reaction had hurt, as angry was Wade was about his dad leaving the family behind, it gave Wade something to hold onto. If he let that go, if he acted on his attraction to Beau … what would he have left?

  He turned and headed back toward Shane and Anna. Awkward trumped agonizing.

  Last Sunday’s dinner with the Jameses had been torture. Beau hadn’t looked at him once. He was almost thankful now that his mom was dragging him and Katy
to Kansas City to have Thanksgiving dinner with her new boyfriend, even if thinking of his mom having a boyfriend made him gag a little.

  He could use the distance … from everything. He doubted it’d give him much perspective, but something had to give.

  “Hey!” Shane said with a grin when Wade approached. “You should come to lunch with us.”

  “Nah,” Wade said.

  “Come on, it’s only awkward if we let it be,” Shane said.

  Wade snorted. “Easy for you to say.” He glanced at Anna, who smiled weakly. She was uncomfortable too, but she made an effort.

  “Shane misses his best friend,” she said. Then shrugged. “I could go out with my other friends today, so you guys can hang out.”

  Shane gripped her hand, turning a glare on Wade. “Nope. Wade is going to get over it. We’re all going to be friends, like we always were. Right, Wade?”

  He sighed. “Okay, fine.”

  Shane grinned. “Awesome! Let’s go hit up the taco place.”

  ***

  Without the distraction of Wade, Beau began to dwell on Mr. Jacobs’ fate once more. He focused on school and volunteering, but more and more often, he found himself in the ICU waiting room, wishing he could get some small scrap of information. He knew they wouldn’t tell him anything or let him in, so it was pointless to sit there, but it was a place to think. A place to be sad and angry about losing Wade before he ever really knew him. A place to realize that his relationship with Wade, or lack thereof, was a small thing in the overall scope of life. Somewhere, behind those walls, Amos Jacobs was fighting for his life. He was facing down a mortality that Beau had hardly paused to fathom in his eighteen years until now.

  Beau had pestered Trent and Xavier for news, but all they’d told him was that Mr. Jacobs was still in the ICU, meaning he was still alive.