Room for Recovery

by D. J. Jamison

  Gran had patted his hand and given him one of her knowing smiles. “He wasn’t alone. He had you.”

  She’d moved on to putter around the kitchen, but her words had stayed with Beau. He’d been so upset when Amos ended up in the ICU, he’d seriously questioned whether nursing was right for him. It hurt even more when Amos died, but Gran’s words made him realize something else: It might be hard, painful and sad, but he wouldn’t change it. He wouldn’t choose to not have met Amos to spare himself the pain.

  And that’s when he knew: Nursing was the right path for him. Being there for someone who might not have anyone else to care was worth the pain it would cause him. And he knew just as clearly that he wanted to be a nurse, not a doctor, touching people’s lives in a personal, one-on-one way.

  Just like waiting for Wade, when he wanted nothing more than to go out to a movie, hold his hand in public and brag that he was dating the unattainable Wade Ritter, the difficult profession would be worth it.

  He just had to be patient.

  And he had to break the news to his mother that he wouldn’t be the first doctor in the family.

  ***

  Wade returned to Beau’s house the Sunday after Christmas. He felt as uncomfortable as he had that first Sunday they’d arrived after moving to Ashe, when he didn’t know anyone and was a ball of self-hatred and grieving.

  But this time, when Beau came down the stairs, taking them two at a time with a huge smile on his face, Wade felt warmth flow through him. He opened his arms and let Beau bounce into a hug.

  “I missed you,” Beau said.

  He was so earnestly honest it made Wade’s heart ache, especially because he didn’t know if he would ever deserve him.

  “Missed you too,” he said.

  “I’d say to get a room, but we’re going to have to set some boundaries,” Beau’s mother said.

  Wade released Beau and stepped back, immediately self-conscious. Wade had been to enough family dinners with girlfriends to know that it was always awkward to show affection in front of the parents. Showing affection to a boy, though? That brought out all his insecurities, and he found himself stepping away from Beau and shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “Stop embarrassing them,” Xavier said as he passed. “I think they’re cute.”

  “You would,” Twyla said under her breath.

  “Get your butts to the table!” Gran bellowed from the dining room, and that put an end to the feeling that Wade and Beau were animals at the zoo.

  Twyla turned away, falling into step with Wade’s mom, as they walked out of the room. Xavier and Trent followed suit.

  Beau grabbed Wade’s arm and tugged until he let his hand slip from his pocket, then interlaced their fingers. “You okay?”

  Wade took a deep breath and exhaled, allowing himself to be led to the dining room by the hand. He could do this. At least with their families, he could be a boyfriend who was unashamed of Beau’s touch.

  “Yeah, sorry,” Wade said. “It’s just an adjustment.”

  “Yeah.” Beau wrinkled his nose, looking cute and happy. “It’s annoying right now, but they’ll get used to it, and they’ll stop teasing.”

  ***

  After dinner, Beau led Wade upstairs, his face flushing hot as his mother called after them to leave the door open and refrain from molesting each other in her house.

  “Your mom is so charming,” Wade said as he followed Beau into his bedroom.

  Beau laughed. “Yeah, she’s something.”

  As soon as they were inside, Beau turned and grabbed a fistful of Wade’s T-shirt, reeling him into a kiss. Beau had to stand on his toes to reach, and Wade wrapped an arm around Beau’s waist to steady him.

  The kiss stirred up butterflies in Wade’s stomach. “Your mom just told us not to get handsy in here.”

  Beau shrugged and smiled. “We’ve been apart for a week, and I really did miss you.”

  Wade broke away, unable to handle the vulnerability in those words. It didn’t help that he’d come to the realization that he wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship Beau needed. He’d given his mom’s words a lot of thought, and now he had to have a difficult conversation with Beau.

  He picked up the guitar in the corner, mostly to give his hands something to do, and strummed it idly as he walked back to the bed.

  “What’s wrong?” Beau asked.

  Wade looked up, but the words didn’t want to come. His mouth went dry, and he swallowed.

  “No,” Beau said, shaking his head. “Don’t do this.”

  “I’m not doing anything,” he said finally.

  “You’re not sitting on my bed, trying to get up the nerve to tell me we should break it off?” Beau asked. When Wade didn’t speak, Beau’s tone turned pleading. “Please don’t do that. This finally feels real, and you said you cared about me.”

  “I do care.”

  “Not enough,” Beau said sharply, before turning away to hide his face.

  The pain in his voice broke through Wade’s fear of saying the wrong thing. He got up and wrapped his arms around Beau from behind. Beau tensed up, but Wade tightened his embrace, and Beau didn’t fight it.

  “Remember the first time I had you against me like this?” he murmured, before kissing Beau’s neck.

  Beau exhaled, relaxing into Wade’s body and letting him support his weight. Wade nuzzled his neck, breathing him in, and Beau’s small sound of pleasure encouraged him to kiss down the side of his neck, then back up to his jaw.

  Beau turned in his arms, and those sad brown eyes broke him. He kissed Beau’s lips gently, then with more heat. There were things to say, but it was so tempting to just lose himself in Beau one more time.

  Finally, Beau pulled away. “Just tell me.”

  Wade took a deep breath. “I told my mother I’d go back into therapy, to work out all the shit about my dad and how I feel about myself, I guess.”

  “That sounds like a good idea,” Beau said cautiously.

  “My mom practically begged, and I’m not a bratty kid anymore. I need to get my shit together.”

  “Makes sense,” Beau said. “I know it’ll be hard, but maybe it’ll help?”

  “Maybe,” Wade said, swallowing hard. Here came the tough part. “I don’t know ... how good a boyfriend I can be while I’m doing this.” He huffed a sarcastic laugh. “Not that I make a great boyfriend now. I’m closeted, and you’re out. You can’t tell your friends about me. It’s not fair to you.”

  Beau looked up at him with a frown. “I don’t care about that.”

  “Maybe not yet,” Wade said. “But how long can you really deal with a closeted boyfriend?”

  Beau made a sound of frustration. “I thought you were done running away. I know you weren’t ready to be out, but I thought you were okay with being with me. With being gay.”

  “But I didn’t really deal with anything. I just pushed it down, so I could be with you,” Wade admitted. “I’m sorry, but I want to be honest with you. I’m dealing with a lot of ugly feelings, like homophobic things that would turn your stomach.”

  “You’re not homophobic,” Beau said sharply.

  “Not like Jeremy and Billy,” Wade said. “But the idea of other people knowing I’m gay, that we’re a couple?” He shook his head. “I feel sick just thinking about it. I don’t think I can be open about it. Not even for you.”

  Beau’s lips trembled. “Not ever?”

  “I know that’s not what you want to hear.”

  Beau pulled away from Wade. The loss of his body warmth felt more significant than it should. As if he’d lost something precious forever. When Beau looked away, Wade felt a new kind of fear rip through him.

  “I’m going to try, so hard, to change that feeling,” he said quickly. “That’s what therapy is about. I want to be better for you.”

  Beau spoke, his voice resigned. Usually Beau was fighting for him, reassuring him. Now, he sounded hollow.

  “You should get better for y
ou, Wade. It makes me so sad to think you’re still not happy being the real you.”

  “Yeah,” he breathed. “Maybe the therapy will help.”

  He sounded uncertain, even to himself.

  Beau paced the room, lost in thought. Wade held his silence, too afraid of what Beau might say to encourage him to speak. Eventually, he stopped and looked Wade in the eye. His voice was steady, but his eyes were swimming in unshed tears.

  “So, this is where we break up?”

  “I hope not,” Wade said.

  At Beau’s confused look, he added, “I’m afraid if we don’t take some time apart, so I can focus on working through some of this negative shit in my head, that I’ll destroy what we might have. And I’d rather give you up for a short time than lose you for good. But I don’t want it to be permanent.”

  “So, what do you want from me?”

  “Honestly? I want you to wait for me,” Wade said. “I need to get my bearings in counseling, get my head on straight. I don’t know how long that’ll take.”

  “Just wait? That’s it?”

  Wade drew a breath. He knew he might be asking too much of Beau. He hadn’t given Beau a lot of reason to keep faith with him. He’d pushed him away before. He’d promised not to do it again, and he wasn’t, but it probably didn’t seem that way.

  “Please don’t give up on me.”

  Beau’s breath caught, and then he was flying into Wade’s arms and hugging him hard. “I’d never give up on you.”

  “I know it’s a lot to ask,” Wade mumbled into Beau’s hair.

  “I love you,” Beau said, his voice breaking. “Don’t you know that I love you?”

  “I’m sorry,” Wade said. He felt like he did nothing but apologize, but he didn’t know what else to say, except: “I love you too. I do. I just … need to find a way to love me.”

  “Then you better go figure it out,” Beau whispered, releasing him and stepping back to wipe at his eyes.

  “This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you to live life and be happy and if you meet a nice guy, you should go for it—”

  “Don’t you dare,” Beau said.

  Wade laughed shakily. “I’m not, because I’m way too selfish for that.”

  Beau kissed him, running his hands through Wade’s hair. “I’ve been waiting for years already. A little longer won’t kill me.”

  Chapter 24

  “So, is the therapy thing working?” Shane asked.

  Wade shrugged uncomfortably. “Maybe. It sucks so much it’s hard to tell how much it’s helping.”

  “No pain no gain?” Shane asked.

  “Something like that.”

  They were lounging on Wade’s living room sofa like old times, the big-screen television paused in the middle of a game. Shane had come over to hang out, and they had shot the shit a while until Wade admitted he couldn’t hang out that Saturday because he had a counseling session.

  Shane had hit pause then so they could talk. He had an uncharacteristic serious expression on his face now.

  “Remember how we met?” Shane asked.

  “Of course.”

  Wade had been panicked. He’d taken Katy to the pool over the first summer they’d moved to Ashe, and he’d watched her splash around with the other kids in the shallow end while he lounged poolside. She’d pleaded with him to get in and play with her, but he’d been pissed he was there at all. His mother had ordered him to take his sister out, so she wasn’t cooped up all summer and threatened to pull his car privileges if he didn’t.

  He’d kept a casual eye on her blond head, alternating between cruising the web and checking on her. Then he looked up, and she wasn’t there.

  He sprang to his feet and searched the crowd of kids. He called her name, moved to the edge of the pool and searched the blue depths.

  His breath came fast and choppy, and he thought of losing Katy too, of being responsible for another death in the family. It was too much. He bent over, heaving for breath, when a hand touched his back.

  “Hey man, you okay?”

  “My sister,” he wheezed.

  “You mean that little blond girl waving at you?”

  Wade’s head had shot up, and there she was standing by the refreshment stand. Smiling and waving. He lifted a trembling hand in response, and she turned around.

  His heart had hammered in his chest, and he’d been lightheaded with relief.

  “That’s her,” he’d mumbled. “Thanks.”

  “No worries. The kiddies move fast. Keeping us on our toes.”

  It was then he’d realized he was talking to a kid his age. He’d sounded so cool and calm, Wade had half-expected a lifeguard. “Thanks, man,” he’d said, pressing a hand over his chest. “I was freaking.”

  Shane had grinned. “No worries. I got your back.”

  And he had. They’d become friends, hanging out at the pool every day that summer, and even though Shane had been a grade behind him in school, they’d hung out after school and on weekends. Even when Wade had dragged him into all kinds of trouble, Shane had stuck by him.

  “I still have your back,” Shane said. “Always will.”

  “I was panicking when we first met,” Wade said. “Is that your way of saying I need the therapy?”

  Shane laughed. “No. I’m saying, I saw the real you that day. You wouldn’t freak if you didn’t care. You put up this front for everybody, but you couldn’t fool me.”

  “Sure fooled everyone else, though.”

  “Except Beau?” Shane asked.

  Until that moment, Wade had never considered whether Shane might suspect he was gay. Now, he wondered if Shane might have known more than he let on. He’d never questioned Wade’s sudden friendship with Beau, his need to personally keep him safe from his bullies, or his impulsive decision to spy on Beau’s date with Miles. He’d been so easy-going that Wade took it for granted that he didn’t see beyond the surface.

  His words now proved he was more perceptive than Wade realized.

  “Did Anna ever tell you why we broke up?” he asked.

  Shane shook his head. “Not really. She said you were distant, and I could see that when we all hung out, so I didn’t question it.”

  “Hmm.”

  “I saw Beau getting off the bus the other day,” Shane said. “You guys still cool?”

  Wade shrugged, feeling a flicker of guilt. Beau was back to putting up with the bus or walking. He might not be in any danger after Billy and Jeremy’s expulsion and arrest, but he also couldn’t rely on Wade.

  Despite his attempts to hold onto his friendship with Beau while putting their relationship on hold, it had been too hard. Their calls had dwindled to intermittent texting, and dinner at the James’ house was so torturous that Wade had started skipping out on the family dinners. He’d messaged Beau to explain that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him, but that it was too hard to be around him and keep his distance.

  Beau said he understood, but he seemed so far away when they talked that it broke Wade’s heart all over again. He was so afraid he might still lose him. He had to get his shit together because no matter what he said, Beau wouldn’t wait forever.

  “It’s complicated,” he said in answer to Shane’s question. “I’m messed up, obviously. Not the easiest friend to have.”

  Shane laughed. “Tell me about it.”

  Wade elbowed him, and they devolved into a shoving, pinching, wrestling match. When his mom walked in, pausing and lifting an eyebrow at them, they straightened up.

  “Hi, Helen,” Shane said with a bright smile. “I’m sorry to report I have a girlfriend. So even though I’m eighteen now, I can’t take you away from all this.”

  She laughed good-naturedly. “My heart aches for you,” she teased. “However will I go on?” She glanced at the clock. “That reminds me, I need to go call Ray.”

  “Who’s Ray?” Shane asked as she left the room.

  “Her boyfriend.”

  Shane clapped a hand
over his heart, pantomiming pain. Wade smiled, but it wasn’t so funny, considering his heart did ache for Beau. It hurt so much that he found himself gasping for breath at times, unable to breathe for how much he wanted to see him.

  “You okay?” Shane asked, noticing his grimace.

  Wade blew out a breath. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

  “A dangerous activity for you,” Shane said. “You’re too hard on yourself.”

  Wade scoffed, but Shane was insistent. He didn’t let Wade laugh it off. “You care, Wade. Sometimes you care too much. The fact you care means you can’t be that messed up, but you need to stop fighting it so hard. Just be you, just let that be enough, you now? Stop faking it all the time.”

  “What do you think I’m faking?”

  Shane met his eyes. “You tell me.”

  Wade studied his face, trying to figure out if Shane knew the truth, that Wade was gay and totally gone over Beau. He realized he didn’t care if Shane did. He was one person that Wade had always been able to trust.

  Shane had his back.

  “Everything, man,” Wade said. “I’ve been faking everything. But maybe you’re right. It’s time to stop.”

  He took a breath, gathering his courage. Shane watched him patiently, understanding in his hazel eyes.

  “I’m gay.”

  Chapter 25

  Beau was unable to hide his heartbreak. Wade hadn’t left him, but he hadn’t stayed either. In some ways, this limbo was worse. He didn’t have Wade, but he couldn’t grieve for their relationship and move on either.

  Waiting was so much harder than he imagined. Week by week, their communications dwindled. Beau stopped denying he was gay at school, figuring if he wanted Wade to come out someday, he should set the example. To his surprise, most people were accepting and the few that weren’t kept their distance. Jeremy and Billy’s attack had accomplished one thing: No one wanted to get accused of harassing the gay guy.

  He felt more comfortable in his skin than he had in a long time. He stopped censoring his words and actions, stopped worrying that something would give away his sexuality. He hadn’t even realized how much of himself he held in check until he was fully out of the closet.