The Silent Daughter

by Kirsty Ferguson

  ‘I have to see the doctor after you, for a quick chat, so you’ll have to wait out there for me. Okay?’ she said brightly.

  Danni played along and gave her a tentative smile. ‘No problem.’

  ‘Danni?’ She looked up at her name being called, her stomach churning. She felt like crying. She didn’t want to go in. She would find out her secrets. No one would like her, she kept repeating this mantra over and over.

  ‘Danni?’

  Michelle smiled at her, encouraging her to stand up and go in. Danni felt helpless, the tears beginning to build in her eyes, yet she went in anyway.

  Danni had no idea how long she had been in the doctor’s office, her mind seemed to drift in and out. She asked her questions as she knew she would, but she scarcely remembered answering them. She did remember tears and then anger, but not much else after that. She was guided out of the office by the doctor and Michelle helped her into a chair to wait while she went back in. Danni sat there for who knew how long, still in shock, until Michelle came out. She gave Danni a brilliant fake smile that she could see coming a mile off then said brightly, ‘How about we go home now, Danni?’

  Funny thing was, Danni couldn’t seem to remember now what had been said or asked of her, and clearly Michelle knew but wasn’t willing to bring it up with her. As her guardian she was supposed to know everything, Danni guessed, not just feed, clothe and provide her with a roof over her head.

  When they finally pulled into the driveway, Danni was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep for a week but when she opened her bedroom door, she felt that something just wasn’t… right. It felt like the room had been disturbed somehow. Had Michael done a check of her room to make sure she hadn’t brought drugs into the house? She began to catalogue her meagre possessions; she didn’t plan on staying here long so she didn’t have much. Soon she and Joe would move in together and start their lives with their baby. She rubbed her stomach, imagining she could feel the burgeoning life growing within her. She opened her underwear drawer. One for each day of the week plus a spare. And one pair was missing. One guess as to who had taken that.

  Incensed, she stormed across the hall and barged into Andrew’s room. ‘You think it’s funny to steal other people’s shit? Well, do you?’ she demanded when he didn’t answer.

  ‘I… I… don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he stammered.

  ‘I don’t like people stealing my stuff and I hate liars.’

  Michelle appeared in the doorway. ‘What’s going on?’ she asked, ‘I can hear you down the hallway.’

  ‘He took a pair of my underwear. I counted,’ accused Danni, breathing heavily.

  ‘I’m sure that’s not the case,’ Michelle said, frowning at Danni. ‘Andrew would never do that. Would you, Andrew?’

  ‘No, Mum, of course not. Maybe you miscounted, Danni,’ he said in a sweet as pie voice.

  ‘I did not miscount,’ Danni said through gritted teeth.

  ‘Okay, okay, let’s defuse the situation, shall we? Danni, perhaps you miscounted, and Andrew, stay away from Danni’s room and we won’t have any more of these… misunderstandings. Why don’t you go back to your room, Danni?’

  Danni went back to her room but she could hear the low rumble of Michelle’s voice through the walls. What was she telling him? What they’d talked about today or how she was crazy to react like that about the loss of a pair of underwear? She just hoped Michelle didn’t tell him whatever the psychologist had said to her. It remained to Danni just a blur of leather couches and winged back chairs, this year’s magazines and fresh linen air freshener.

  Half an hour later, there was a knock on her door. ‘Come in.’

  Andrew poked his head around the door frame. ‘Just wanted to check that you’re okay,’ he said, showing fake concern. ‘Mum told me what happened to you today. Must be hard going to see a shrink. I wouldn’t like to.’

  ‘What do you want, Andrew?’ she said with a sigh, rubbing her temples.

  ‘Oh, nothing. Just wanted to show you something.’ She looked up; he was holding the missing pair of underwear.

  ‘You little fucking creep,’ she said as she flung herself off the bed.

  ‘Uh-uh, Danni. I’ll just hide them and say you attacked me then my parents won’t want you here any more and you’ll be back to the group home. You want that?’ Cockily, delivered with glee, but he had Danni over a barrel.

  ‘Fine, keep them, I don’t care,’ she said flippantly.

  He looked almost crestfallen at the thought that she wouldn’t play his game. Danni had enough dramas going on. Joe hadn’t been at school for two days and as far as she could tell, neither had Beth. Was it a coincidence? She’d ask him next time she saw him, since his phone kept going to voicemail.

  ‘Fuck off, Andrew,’ she said as she closed the door on the teen grasping her underpants. How many of the other girls had he played inappropriate pranks on?

  34

  She’d never wanted kids. Never wanted to bring another life into this fucked up world. There were enough losers with kids and she sure as shit wouldn’t be one of them. A deadbeat mum without a deadbeat dad. So, when she found out that she was pregnant, her brain immediately switched gears. Who could the father be? Could it have been the guy she’d fucked at the party? The guy she’d screwed in the bar toilet? Or the guy she’d picked up at the supermarket then ridden in his car? So many men, so many options and those were just the ones she could remember. There were many more hazy nights filled with booze and grinding, hands all over her body. Who knows who else she’d slept with?

  They made her a whore; she was just living up to her reputation.

  Now she was knocked up, no idea who the baby daddy was. Not that it mattered, she wasn’t keeping it anyway. No fucking way, there was no room in her life for a baby. She’d have to change everything about herself and she was too selfish to do that. Thinking about the life growing inside of her made her angry. She picked up a vase and threw it at the wall, glass raining down on her, leaving some small cuts. Fuck. She was selfish. She didn’t want to quit drinking and sleeping around.

  She thought about adoption for a split second, and decided against it. She couldn’t carry it then give it away. That wasn’t fair to anyone, plus, if she carried the baby, no one would want to screw her any more. A whore, that’s what she was. Someone to fuck then leave. Never tell them your real name or real phone number, and never take them home. Three rules to live by. She pulled out her phone and looked for the nearest place that she could find. For another moment she wondered what a baby would look like in her life. Would she be a good mother? One that would nurture her child? Nope. She’d screw this baby up no end. No bloody way.

  She walked up the steps to the flat, squat building that held doctors who gave abortions to people like her. Her hand found its way to her stomach for the briefest of seconds. It was time to be rid of her predicament. Like now.

  Four hours later, she walked out of the boring, unassuming building, slowly making her way to her car. She had an ache in her stomach, which she blamed on her little problem. A problem that was now done and dusted.

  Vowing to no longer think about the baby, she went home to her shit heap of a unit and lay on her bed, sheets crumpled from her sleepless night the night before. She’d been dreaming about this guy she’d met a few weeks ago at a bar in town. She didn’t want to think about him; everyone thought she was Miss Pump and Dump, but he had her intrigued. She was actually imagining what might be if things were different.

  As she lay on her bed, she looked at her phone and urged it to ring. She had given him her real phone number. She hadn’t meant to when he’d asked for it, but there was something about this guy. He’d noticed her at the end of the bar and just like in the movies, he’d come over to buy her a drink. He was hot and she needed validation.

  ‘Thanks for the drink,’ she said in a seductive voice, whispered into his ear.

  ‘You’re the most beautiful woman here.’

&n
bsp; She blushed prettily underneath her makeup. His deep voice gave her the shivers, and electricity coursed through her. The thrill of the chase. ‘And you’re a walking cliché,’ she countered. ‘Hey, want to get out of here?’

  His hand touched her, then he lightly ran his fingers up to her thigh. ‘That answer your question?’

  She returned the favour by sliding one finger from his knee, then ran a circle round the crotch of his pants. She could feel he was hard.

  ‘Want to go to your place?’ she asked, remembering her own rules.

  ‘Actually,’ he said, holding up his hand, ‘I’m married. But I’d love to get your number. I’ll even give you mine.’ She wasn’t shocked that a man that good looking was married, she just didn’t care.

  Whether it was the shots, the desire or the man himself, she gave it to him. Her real number. Her smile had slipped a little upon hearing that he was married, but she loved a challenge. She grabbed a napkin and scribbled her number down, passing it to him. He stuffed it in his pocket.

  ‘Where’s your car?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m married, remember?’ he said, twirling the wedding ring on his finger.

  ‘So what? I won’t tell if you don’t.’

  He smiled slowly, her insides tumbling with desire. He stood, and, as she did the same, he put his hand on her elbow and led her through the crowd. Once outside she looked around, blinking in the sudden darkness, hot from being inside with all those sweaty people bumping up against her.

  ‘My car’s over there,’ he said quietly. She wondered if he came quietly too.

  He held open the back door and she climbed in, the leather cold on her thighs but she figured she’d be warm enough soon. They hadn’t exchanged names, but she decided that if he asked she would tell him her real name. He didn’t ask, instead, he laid her down on the cold seat and began to kiss her with passion. Then that was it, no more foreplay, he just thrust himself inside her, pumping away, and she wondered if this was how he fucked his wife. It didn’t matter. She’d show him a better time than he’d ever had. Them getting caught fucking in the back seat of his car just added an extra layer to the experience. Then he surprised her by wrapping his hands around her throat and squeezing harder as he grunted and came inside her. He pulled out and she sat up. He gave her a lingering kiss. She took this to mean that he had enjoyed their encounter that she didn’t want to end.

  ‘I have to get home.’

  ‘To your wife?’ she said cheekily. Bet he never choked her out.

  She waited for three days for him to call. She resisted texting or calling him. Maybe he was busy with work, or the wife. That must be it, she probably had him on a short lead. On the fifth day she could wait no longer. She picked up the phone, looked at the number and dialled with a nervous hand.

  ‘Crisis Line, do you need a friend?’

  She held the phone loosely in her hand.

  ‘Hello? Do you want to talk about something that’s bothering you? Hello?’

  Slowly she dropped her phone into her lap. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but right now she felt shock, then emotionally empty. It was a feeling she knew well but never to this degree. She had felt confused, but now she knew what she needed to do.

  She went to her shower, turned on the hot water and stood under the cascade. Her hand slid down her stomach, fingers massaging the insides of her thighs before she parted her legs and began to touch herself. She came, panting hard with desire.

  Sated for now, she dressed. Now it was time to go on the prowl. She smiled, a slow and calculated smile.

  She watched as he bought a drink for the woman with the long curly red hair, then he touched her high on the thigh. He was certainly bold; she’d give him that. He obviously didn’t recycle his conquests, choosing a new woman every time he came to the bar.

  She felt like tapping the redhead on the shoulder and warning her, but she didn’t. She wanted to teach him a lesson he wouldn’t soon forget. She felt like she needed to gain control again, the upper hand, especially after what he did to her. The woman stood up, heading towards the bathroom, maybe getting cleaned up for him. Touching up her lipstick maybe, running her hands through her hair. Maybe she was going to sleep with him, maybe not.

  Knowing that if they did fuck, they’d probably soon adjourn to the car for a quickie, she only had a limited window of time. She hid between two cars as she watched him walking towards his car, alone in the dark, no doubt waiting for his date. Or maybe she’d ditched him and he was going home alone. Either way, she stood up from behind a car, sliding the silver knuckle duster over her right hand, and followed him in the dark. Once she was right behind him, she said, ‘Hey.’

  He turned around, obviously not worried by the female voice and said, ‘Hey, I know you.’

  ‘Yeah you do,’ she said as she drew back her right arm and punched him in the face. She felt satisfaction as she heard the crunch of bone and saw the spurt of black blood as he fell to the ground, gripping his nose, moaning. She smiled as she looked at the knuckle duster covered with blood. She looked down at him. She was going to punch him in her face again, going so far as to pull her hand back, then she changed her mind. He’d learned his lesson. ‘Next time you screw a woman, don’t screw her over.’

  35

  She forgave him, how could she not? After all, he was the father of her baby. They were going to be together, forever, one happy little family and no one, not even her sister could take that away from her. She walked down the hallway at school, thinking about the plans she’d had to get out of this place, run far from her life and leave it all behind her. Joe had the same dreams. To get away from who he was and make something of himself. Had she trapped him in this town, with her, unconsciously? No, she loved him, and this baby was a representation of their love. He loved her too.

  ‘Hey, bitch, you know yet that I fucked your boyfriend?’ Beth said, suddenly appearing in front of her. She hadn’t even seen her; she was in a world of her own. One of changed lives and forgotten dreams.

  ‘Go to hell, Beth.’

  ‘So now that we’re not at home, you think you’re the alpha now? That it? I could beat you down anytime I wanted to. What do you have to say about that?’ She stood so close to Danni she could smell the mint on her breath.

  ‘Don’t care,’ Danni said, feeling no fear. In fact, her blood started to simmer under her skin and she felt another headache pulsing in the base of her neck. She had the urge to watch her sister bleed.

  Out of nowhere, Beth slapped her. The slap left her skin singing with pain and Danni instantly responded by wrapping her hands around Beth’s neck and squeezing. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw people coming out of a classroom and stop to stare at the sight before them. Beth’s face had started to turn a blush shade of red and she was clawing at Danni’s hands, trying to pry them free.

  ‘Hey! Get off her!’ someone cried, but did nothing to help. Maybe they were scared of her now.

  Danni leaned in close to Beth, putting even more pressure on her throat. ‘Don’t you ever come near me or Joe again. I am the alpha now, bitch,’ she whispered before she was wrenched from behind, the hold on Beth broken. Beth collapsed to the floor, coughing and panting. There were red marks around her throat. Danni whirled around, ready to dish out the same justice to whoever had stopped her, but it was a male teacher. Scowling, he said, ‘Right, both of you, the principal’s office, now.’

  They talked to Beth first who croaked out a bullshit tale of being attacked by Danni. She out and out lied to the principal. When it was Danni’s turn to speak, all she had were threats and a slap.

  ‘She tried to kill me!’ cried Beth, huge tears rolling down her cheeks.

  ‘We have a no bullying policy here at the school and we enforce it, young lady,’ the principal said to Danni when they were sitting in his office, his fingers under his chin. ‘You’ll be suspended for one week and it will go in your permanent file. Do you understand, Danielle?’

  She nodd
ed.

  ‘Beth, do you want me to call the police so you can lay charges?’

  Beth looked panicked for a moment.

  ‘Uh, no. No police.’

  Yeah that’s right, run and hide, bitch.

  That was usually what Danni tried to do, but this time she had power coursing through her. What was she going to tell Michelle? Her headache, which she noticed had gone away for a while was now back with vengeance, throbbing from the base of her neck to the top of her head which was woolly, her mind unfocused.

  She left school at recess after trying unsuccessfully to find Joe to tell him what had happened. He could be anywhere, so she just left, feeling both dejected and strangely elated. Danni walked back to the house, rehearsing in her head what she was going to say, but when she opened the front door, Michelle yelled, ‘Is that you, Danni?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s me.’ She trudged into the kitchen where Michelle was sitting, mobile in front of her on the table.

  ‘I just had an interesting call from your principal.’

  ‘It was self-defence.’

  ‘You were choking a girl,’ Michelle said, totally shocked.

  ‘It was my sister, Beth. And she started it.’ She knew how petulant she sounded, but oddly enough, she cared what Michelle thought. She was the only mother figure she had.

  ‘So that makes it okay? I don’t think so. Now tell me, what was going through your mind? Sit down, Danni, we need to talk about this and I’d rather do it before the boys get home.’

  Michelle seemed intent on getting to the bottom of why she had tried to squeeze the life from Beth’s body. At least there’d be a visual reminder on Beth’s neck of what Danni could do if pushed too far now. Absently she rubbed her belly. Did evil transfer? She wondered. Was she evil?

  ‘Why did you try to hurt your sister?’ Michelle dived right in.