Tails California (Heads and Tails)

by Grea Warner

  After pulling myself together, I found my mom, grandma, and sister and drew them into the privacy of the back hallway. My mother instantly gasped at the news and started praying for Kari and the kids. Ella took out her phone in an obvious attempt to find additional information online. And Maw-Maw—my mom’s mom—gave me a hug.

  “We’ll take care of it.” My mom nodded reassuringly.

  “I guess I’ll forgive him the flower gaffe.” Ella tried her own jab of humor.

  “He’ll appreciate that.” My lips rose in a partial smile. “I love you guys.”

  “We love you, too.” And then it was my mom’s turn to give me a hug before I made my way back to Ryan.

  But when I returned, he wasn’t in my dad’s office. Thankfully, though, I didn’t have to wonder long or search far. I found him in the chapel, about halfway up the center aisle, facing the altar. The way he leaned against the wooden pew and how his shoulders were raised closer to his ears than relaxed down spoke of his sadness and stress.

  I started toward him, trying hard not to think about how in only a few days I was supposed to be walking up that aisle in a much longer white dress than the one I was wearing. It wasn’t going to happen ... then. But I also realized it didn’t splinter or fracture our love even in the slightest.

  When I got to where he was standing, I took his hand in mine and, appreciating the silence the room seemed to demand, stared straight ahead without saying a word. After a beat, he forced his head to one side to crack his neck and relieve at least the physical pressure. And then he gave my hand a squeeze.

  “For better or worse,” I whispered, looking at him. “I do.”

  “I love you.”

  He breathed out and, with watery eyes, brought our foreheads together. And that is all that mattered. Because, in reality, we really didn’t need anything more.

  Chapter Two

  It didn’t take long to drive back to my parents’ home. In fact, most of the time I would have walked to the church from their house rather than drive. Sure, it took a little longer but was very manageable. Despite growing up in Iowa, Ryan was used to the Los Angeles lifestyle for many years and drove everywhere, though. And ... it wasn’t the time for a leisurely stroll.

  When we entered the family room, my dad had Sallie and Joel’s full attention. He had four oranges and was showing the kids how to juggle—a skill he had humored his own three children with growing up. Garrett spotted us first. And, as a freshly minted seventeen-year-old, he couldn’t mask his feelings well. The awkward look of sorry-your-whole-world-just-went-to-crap was written all over his face, but he didn’t know how to say it.

  “I can do it!” Joel exclaimed.

  And Ryan, by my side, interjected immediately. “Uh, no. I don’t think Bethany’s dad wants orange juice all over the floor.”

  Both Joel and Sallie swung their gaze to Ryan and me, as my dad stopped the circling rotation of fruit. “Daddy, I am not going to drop them. I am a great baseball player,” Joel said with the cutest of scrunched-up pouts.

  “Uh-huh,” Ryan agreed, surely just to agree.

  A big part of me—despite knowing Joel would instantly drop the oranges—wanted to stay there and have him try. I wanted him to have a fun moment ... and to savor it. It was because I knew his next so many days, weeks, months, and probably lifetime would be haunted by the words he and his sister were soon to hear.

  “We have to be going, Joel. There’s something ...” Ryan paused and looked at my father, who nodded. “There’s something Bethany and I need to talk with you two about. Could you please tell Mr. Opala and Garrett thank you for—”

  “I was already going to say that, Daddy,” Sallie interjected Ryan, who, even in all his grief and worry, had somehow remembered to remind his kids to use good manners.

  “Thank you, Garrett and Mr. Opala.”

  “You are welcome,” my dad replied, and Garrett looked away. “You can call me Barry if it is okay with your dad.” He offered his first name, which he did to most everyone he knew. He found it to be a more friendly, open way of connecting with people.

  “Sure, yeah, sure,” Ryan responded, almost absentmindedly. Although, I knew his mind was anything but void. He was doing a decent job not showing that to the kids, but the adults and one teen in the room understood.

  “Like strawberry,” Joel chimed in. “Mr. Straw-berry.”

  Garrett laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile, too. Without saying it, I’m pretty sure we were both thinking of how we could use the new nickname to our advantage. Despite the age and other differences between Garrett and me, we had a true sibling bond.

  Ryan looked at Joel with a slight shake of his head and roll of his eyes. He then turned to my dad. “Thanks for helping. I—"

  “Son, I’m here. We all are. We’ll do whatever we can.”

  My father’s genuine offer, although I expected nothing less, made my heart joyful. Sure, he meant it as a disciple of God but also personally to the man who held his eldest child’s heart. I knew the latter wasn’t necessarily the easiest. Not only because I was his daughter and the first of his children to truly fall in love, but also because when my parents had first found out about my relationship with Ryan, it had been surrounded by secrecy. That and the fact Ryan was divorced cast a bit of a shadow. Thankfully, though, once they met him and saw us together, there was no denying what Ryan and I had known almost immediately after meeting ... or at least writing music together.

  I buried myself in my dad’s arms—Sallie wasn’t the only girl in the room who needed her father. “Thanks, Daddy,” I said. “I’ll see you later tonight.”

  “No, Bethie.” He called me by the family name I had learned to accept but nearly made me cringe every time. “Your place is with them tonight.”

  I pulled away from my father as he nodded toward Sallie holding Ryan’s hand, and Joel, despite being told otherwise, examining the oranges. My father’s words both shocked and warmed me. My parents were both traditionists for the most part and expected me to stay with them as an unmarried woman. They were not thrilled with the fact that I lived with Ryan in California and, therefore, it was never really discussed, besides the current mailing address information. So, when we had blocked off a group of rooms for family and friends at the hotel, it included one for Ryan and an adjoining one for Sallie and Joel.

  “They need you,” my dad continued. “Give them comfort.”

  I looked at Ryan, who seemed possibly even more thankful for my dad’s offer than me. I smiled softly, hugged my dad again, and told Joel to bring the oranges. I had a feeling our life was going to involve a lot of juggling for a while. When life gives you oranges ...

  ***

  The drive from my parents’ house to the hotel was a longer commute than from the church, but it was still less than twenty minutes. With each passing mile, I could see Ryan, sitting in the passenger seat, growing grimmer. The fact that Kari died was horrific, but the task in front of him—telling their beautiful, sweet children—was possibly even more daunting.

  The sun had yet to set when we pulled into the lot, but I knew it would within the half-hour or so. It had already been a long day with flying in early from California and going directly to my dinner bridal shower. And the night I feared would be just as long.

  Ryan held me tight in his hotel room while the kids got dressed in their pajamas. When they yelled from their adjoining room that they were ready, my strong man thanked me for being there. I reassured him there was no place I would rather be, and watched as he walked toward the partially open door. As much as I was a part of their life, telling them the devastating news was something we both knew Ryan should do on his own.

  I spent my time responding to some of the multitude of messages on my phone—all related in one way or another to Kari’s passing. I texted my friend Willow and confirmed with my sister that she was getting a hold of the people on the guest list. That included my dad’s out-of-state older brother and widowed mother, who was in
a nursing home. Ryan had talked with his parents on the way to the church, but I called his sister, Megan, who had reached out to see if there was anything they could do. His whole family had been set to fly in the next day since there had already been a separate small bridal shower in Iowa when we had visited for Easter. So besides telling Megan to cancel their flights, I asked her to keep Sallie and Joel in their prayers. What else was there, really?

  After hanging up, I walked over to the adjoining open doorway to see Joel looking at Ryan and asking, “We don’t have a mommy, anymore?”

  “Joel, buddy, Mommy will always be your mommy. She just can’t be with us.” Ryan was stretched alongside both of the kids in one of the two beds. “We can’t see her anymore. She will be looking after you, though.”

  “From Heaven.” Sallie’s words were part question, part statement.

  “Right, sweetie. She loves both of you more than anything in the world.” At first, I didn’t even realize he said it in present tense.

  “Then why did she go?” Sallie was always logical and inquisitive.

  Before Ryan could answer, his son pouted out what was pretty much a fact. “She goes all the time.”

  I could see Ryan’s face. His cheeks, eyes, and mouth all seemed to drop. I knew his dilemma of trying not to scare the kids but wanting them to understand. It was by far not an easy task.

  “Joel, you understand this is different, right? Mommy’s not on tour. She’s not ... she’s not coming back.” His voice broke a little before he returned his attention back to his daughter. “She didn’t want to go, Sals.”

  He said it convincingly, but I couldn’t help but wonder about the doubt that it was simply an overdose and not intentional. I couldn’t imagine Kari actually doing that to herself. She had a phenomenal career and the kids. She and Ryan were amicable. And even though I had little interaction with her, we managed. So, what had made her take the drugs again? She wasn’t physically hurt and hooked on prescriptions like the last time. As far as we knew, she had been clean and healthy.

  I rezoned into Ryan’s explanation. “She got sick. She was tired.”

  “The angels wanted her.”

  “Uh, yeah.” Ryan seemed a little perplexed by Sallie’s response.

  “The angels wanted Yasmine’s grandma,” she explained.

  “Yeah. Okay.” We both had talked to Sallie after her friend’s grandmother had passed away.

  “Is Mommy with Yasmine’s grandma?”

  Ryan smoothed his son’s hair, so blond like his mother’s and sister’s. “Yeah.”

  “I wanna see her.” Joel’s request came out part hope, part whine.

  And I could tell by the quick shutting of Ryan’s eyes that he was about to break. But, instead, he remained calm and steady with his answer. “Can’t. I’m sorry. We can look at her photos and videos if you want, and you can talk to her in your heart.”

  I liked his explanation until Joel added, “And video chat.”

  “No. Oh ... no. She passed away.” Ryan sighed, and I wondered if I should help him. But, in reality, I didn’t know what else I could offer.

  “She’s dead, Joel,” Sallie said in the corrective tone she often used with her younger brother when he didn’t understand something.

  Usually, it necessitated Ryan warning his daughter, but that time he let it go. Even though the word “dead” sounded harsh, it was the truth and maybe the only way a five-year-old boy could start to understand. Kari wasn’t lost. She was gone. She died ... dead.

  “I know this is a lot for you two to understand. We’re going back to California. We’re going to see GiGi and Grandpa, Uncle Maks, and some of Mommy’s friends, and they’ll help us. What you need to remember is, we all love you guys so, so very much. We love you and are here to help you and talk with you.”

  “What about Bethany?”

  “Of course Bethany,” Ryan answered his son. “She loves you, too.”

  “She’s our family,” he said, and I instantly felt my eyes water.

  “Even before the wedding,” Sallie added, as if to outdo her brother by one, I’m sure.

  “Yeah, that’s something else we have to talk about. But right now ... anything more? Anything about how you’re feeling?”

  “I love Mommy.”

  “I know, Joe-Joe. She knew, too.” And there it was—past tense ... geez. He pulled them both a little tighter onto his sides. “What do you say we just lay here and try to sleep?”

  ***

  When I heard the door click softly shut, I turned from the window, which was darkened by the overcast, nighttime sky. Ryan didn’t move from the doorway. He stood there—feet away from where his kids were hopefully able to find some peaceful sleep. He looked stunned ... shell-shocked. Seeing him so distraught made my heart ache and eyes instantly tear up.

  “I blew apart their world. I changed their lives forever.”

  I couldn’t deny that, as I swiped at my eyes. “Yeah.”

  “I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I don’t know that they get it.”

  “Probably not completely.” Again, it wasn’t necessarily what he wanted me to say, but it was the truth.

  He took a deep breath and managed a few steps toward me and I him. “I think they need to actually see her.”

  “I know. That’s a toughie.” I felt like we were speaking in spurts. And it seemed so quiet—like the aftermath of a destructive bomb where everything is powered down unexpectedly and we were the only two left standing, stunned in miles of silence and rubble. “You’re doing good, Ry,” I finally offered. “No matter what, they know they have you. You will get them through this.”

  “We both will. You were listening, right? Did you hear them include you?”

  “I did,” I admitted with a soft smile. I touched his face with the back of my hand before I continued. “What you said ... how you answered them ... I don’t know how you found the words.”

  “Your dad gave me pointers.”

  “Like I said, he would know. You can call and talk with him any time. He’ll help.”

  Ryan’s royal blue eyes were not leaving my brown-hued ones. “Right now, I need his daughter.”

  I melded onto him, holding on fiercely, as if I could squeeze out the pain encompassing every part of his being. His chest rose and fell beneath my cheek a few times before he used his hand to tilt my chin and head so my eyes could meet his once more. His lips gently touched mine three times.

  “I love you.” It was all I could think to say, and I hoped those words soothed and warmed him just as they did whenever he said them to me.

  “Be with me,” he whispered, using the same words as the first time we were ever together.

  I kissed him and tried a touch of humor. “I don’t think that is what my dad had in mind when he said to stay and give you comfort.”

  Ryan let out a short chuckle before saying, “I love you, Lenay. For real.”

  “For real,” I repeated our personalized words of love.

  I started with soft kisses on his mouth and then slowly began to undress him. Still in our wedding shower outfits, I knew we would have taken gorgeous photos together had the day turned out differently. In a way, it felt good to shed ourselves of those reminders, though. There was no denying we weren’t the same couple we were that morning, but our love was not scathed. Ryan, reciprocating my kisses, stopped momentarily as I removed my dress. Normally, we helped each other and were in much more of a hurry to connect. But the mood and circumstances warranted me taking the lead ... slowly and with great care. In the same manner, I played with his dark brown hair and watched as he stretched out on the bed. There were still no words, besides his appreciative moan, when I positioned my body on top of his, and we rocked together as if we were a lost boat trying to find a safe shore.

  Chapter Three

  Leaving Carolina the next day was excruciating. Everything was sinking in ... even more so. We had woken and realized it hadn’t just been a horrific nightmare. All of it wa
s true.

  The kids seemed, more than anything, tired—and the time change didn’t help. It was going to be a process for them to come to terms with what happened to their mother. Ryan looked as though he had been through twelve rounds of boxing, only to be knocked out. And I’m sure I did, too. After all, neither of us had slept well ... tossing and turning throughout the entire night.

  We stopped by my parents’ home on our way to the airport. For one thing, I wanted to drop off Sallie’s white dress, which was a simpler mini version of the gown I had been set to wear that Saturday—a sleeveless V-neck, both front and back, beading only on the sides, and a full bottom encircled with ribbons. There was no need to transfer either of our dresses back to California because, as Ryan had said, there would be a wedding ... eventually. When it would actually be ... we would have to discuss later. The kids had to be our number one concern.

  But more than that, we went to see my family because I needed to. I needed the extra hug and in-person support before leaving. I had been expecting to be celebrating with them for four days. What I got instead was an overnight filled with mostly tears.

  Right before we boarded the plane, Ryan handed me his tablet, wanting me to read his press release before sending it out. Thanks to everyone for your kind words and condolences. Although I am shocked and saddened over Kari’s sudden passing, I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, as it gave us the precious gifts of Sallie and Joel. Please allow my children, fiancée, and myself some privacy during this difficult time.

  When I did a one-shoulder shrug and handed it back to Ryan, he immediately picked up on my uncertainty. “What?”

  I hesitated to say anything because I knew he was already a bit ticked off about writing one in the first place. But, with the onslaught of messages and notifications he had been getting both personally and via his office, he knew he should put something out. Walking the line of exactly what to say was the difficult part. And I thought he handled it well, except for one minor thing.