Myth 18 - MythChief

by Asprin, Robert

  “Somehow you found out that Marmilda hired us to protect her and the family inheritance,” she continued, looking hurt. “Don't you think we could do it? We were all around for years before you came on the scene, remember? Or did you just want to show that you could do it better? You just have to let us know you're taking a case, Skeeve. You don't have to poach.” Her eyes brightened as if she was going to cry.

  “Poach?” I protested, clambering to my feet. “Wait a minute! I'm not poaching. Marmilda didn't hire me. Her brother did.”

  Tananda's eyes widened. “Her brother? Marmel?” “Me,” Marmel said, hesitantly, holding up a tentative forefinger from his hiding place behind the

  headboard. “I just want my inheritance. I didn't know about Narwick-​ius.”

  “Oh, Skeeve!” Tananda exclaimed. She rushed me like an oncoming dragon and wrapped herself around me. She planted her mouth on mine and gave me such a thorough kiss that it robbed me of breath all over again. “Forgive me. I am so sorry for ever doubting you. I was surprised to see you, and ... I didn't think. Marmilda came to us with this case only a couple hours ago. She sneaked into the Bazaar after dark. She is very frightened. She said she only has until morning before the problems really start. Then, to find you here made me assume that she decided we just weren't going to be able to do the job and got you in on it, too.”

  I shook my head. I was hurt by the thought she might even think I would muscle in on their business, but that had to wait. As she said, there wasn't much time before things got rolling.

  “You're not the only one on this case, are you?” I asked. “Where's Chumley?”

  “Chumley and Guido are both coming before dawn. They sent me on ahead to find the Hoho Jug or the father's will,” Tananda said. “We didn't want to wake Marmel.” She grinned, and dimples dented both her cheeks. “I sup-​pose the silence spell was to keep from disturbing Mar-​milda.”

  “Right,” I said. “I didn't know she had gone for help on her own while we were working in here. I guess the silence cut both ways.”

  “It happens,” Tananda said, then paused. I took a deep breath. “Well, as long as we're both here, why don't we work together?” “It's fine with me,” she said, 'but I'm not the only one who has to agree. I have .. . partners."

  “Fine,” I said, hastily, trying to ignore the pang the word awoke in me. “Then let's make a tentative agreement until the others get here. I figure we have looked through maybe a third of the hiding places in this room. I'm con-​centrating on the ones that give off a magikal aura ”

  Tananda didn't waste any time. “I'll take that side of the room,” she said.

  Marmel went to find Marmilda. She wasn't asleep; she only pretended to be until Marmel told her what had hap-​pened.

  “I was just doing it to save us both, baby brother,” she said. “I know, big sister,” Marmel said, sheepishly. “Me, too.”

  The two of them helped us by pointing out those hiding places their father used that they knew of, but there were dozens I turned up that surprised them. I found hidey-​holes in the back of paintings, underneath throw rugs, in the false heels of shoes. All of them were chock-​full of junk.

  “I think there's more extradimensional space in here than in our tent.” I said to Tananda, then corrected myself. “I mean, your tent.”

  Tananda stopped pulling stuffed rabbits out of a woolly hat and gave me a wry smile. “Skeeve . ..” BAMF! At the blast of outrushing air, I went on guard, magik at the ready. “Hey, Tanda, any luck?”

  I lowered my defenses. The new arrivals while consid-​erably crowding the minuscule available space in the room, were friends.

  “Hi, guys,” I said.

  “I say, Skeeve!” Chumley exclaimed, then observed we were not alone. “Klahd!” he said, in a coarse voice. “You here?”

  In private, the purple Troll was erudite and articulate. In mixed company, that was to say, when some of the people present were not close friends, he reverted to a monosyllabic form of speech he used in his public persona as Big Crunch, a not-​too-​bright enforcer for hire.

  “That's right, er, Big Crunch,” I said. “Hiya, Guido.”

  “Hey dere, Skeeve.” Guido held out his hand for a shake. I noticed the bulge in the breast of his big-​shouldered, pin-​striped suit. He seldom went out without his pocket crossbow, a weapon with which he could pick the eye out of a pinbug at fifty paces. He was ready for business. “Gotta admit, I'm a little surprised to see you here.”

  “It's a coincidence, Guido,” I assured him. “Uh-​huh, and since when do you believe in coinci-​dences?” he asked, narrowing an eye.

  “Conference, guys!” Tananda announced, taking both huge males by the arms and dragging them into a corner. “Marmilda and Marmel, could we have privacy for a while, please?”

  “Certainly,” Marmilda said, taking Marmel by the arm. “Come downstairs. You can help me wash dishes. Let the people do their job. Call us if you need anything.” The two Imps retreated from the room.

  My former associates huddled. Tananda spoke in a low voice, eliciting muffled exclamations from Chumley and Guido. I couldn't tell if they were upset or not. I waited nervously. What if they didn't want me in on this project? What would I do? I had a client, too. Then they broke into laughter.

  Guido turned to me. “You got the jump on Tanda?” he said, slapping me heartily on the back. I slipped on a pile of multicolored teddy bears and sat down on a heap of shoes. “Dat's more than I can say I ever got.”

  “Dumb luck.” I said modestly, picking myself up. In-​side. I was slumping with relief. “No, it wasn't,” Tananda said, smiling at inc. “You've gotten a lot better at magik.” “So have you,” I insisted.

  “Not me,'” Tananda said, with a chuckle. She held out her hand and displayed a gaudy knuckle-​duster with a huge green stone in the center. “I borrowed this ring from Massha. We knew we were going up against Narwickius. Couldn't take the chance that he had left one of his bully-​boys on the premises. You've improved a lot without hav-​ing to rely on gadgets.”

  “Practice,” I said, modestly. “I'm doing what I can with what I've got.”

  “Never denigrate yourself, tiger,” she said, leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek. “It would rake most people years to make the progress you have in months ”

  “Awright, awright, awright,” Guido said, holding up his hands. "Enough with the mutual admiration society. Tananda said youse agreed to a temporary cooperative venture. We ain't got much time until

  zero hour, so all in favor?“ Chumley put up his hand. ”Aye.“ Tananda followed suit. ”Aye."

  “'Aye,” Guido added, making it three. “Okay, dat's unanimous. I mean, it's just a formality, Boss... I mean, Skeeve. We hadda decide in a democratic and fair fashion. That's the way we've been doin' things since you been gone.”

  “Is everyone upset with me?” I asked. I knew I sounded plaintive, hut I couldn't help it.

  “No! We thought you were upset with us.'” Tananda ad-​mitted. “You haven't come around once since the time you dropped in. You didn't invite any of us to see your new of-​fice.”

  I hung my head. “It's not much. I thought you wouldn't really want to see it. I felt pretty awkward. I guess I didn't think about what would happen in the future if I came back.”

  “Neither did we, what?” Chumley said.

  “D'you mind?” Guido said, cutting short the conversa-​tion. “We can have a real powwow later. We got a high roller comin' around in about three hours. We gotta work out a plan to deal with him.”

  “And find the will,” I said. “But that can wait until we get rid of the problem. What do you have on Narwickius?”

  “Nasty,” Chumley said He plucked a pair of pince-​nez glasses from within a tuft of fur on his purple chest and placed them on his nose. He unfurled a scroll and spread it out for me to read. “Pray skip the police blotter. I assure you it is as complete as I could make it.”

  I whist
led as I skimmed down the long parchment, over Incidents Precipitated and Alleged Misdeeds. “I admire your research, Chumley,” I said, glancing up. “This guy has caused trouble in over forty dimensions.”

  “Yeah, he's tough. It's a shame that he hadda pick on a coupla harmless Imps,” Guido said. “How many people does he have working for him?”

  “I was able to discern the employment status of over 250 different mugs, thieves, grifters, shysters, penny-​ante crooks, leg breakers and other miscreants who have been used for jobs small and large,” Chumley said. “He has a permanent staff of eleven. Two are powerful mages, a Vipe and a Pervert.”

  “You mean Pervect,” I said automatically. “I say, not this one,” Chumley corrected me. “Read sub-​section three, if you would be so good.”

  I scanned the details in the paragraph, and I felt the blood leave my face. “Can you DO that with a camel?”

  “I believe there were at least four witnesses,” Chumley said. “The survivors said that the deed was at Narwickius's personal behest.”

  “Nasty indeed,” I concurred. “Well, what do we know we can use as leverage?” “Not a lot. Titans move fast, and they carry a lotta fire-​power,” Guido said. "Not to mention their natural

  physical shape. You don't wanna get in a clinch with one."

  “People who move too fast often make mistakes,” I said thoughtfully, scanning the document again. “Do you think we could bluff him?”

  “I would greatly favor it to brute strength,” Chumley said. “He who throws the first punch has lost the war of wits, what? Yet I have heard that nothing deters him.”

  “What he said,” opined Guido. “Not that we won't be ready for him. I gotta few things with me that could take out a charging whaleosaurus.” He patted his side pockets. The “things” must have been fairly flat, because nothing distended the perfect cut of his pin-​striped suit coat.

  “We don't know how many of his hooligans he might have with him,” Chumley said. “His gang acts as backup, but all decisions I can document were made by him. Most often, his successes have required nothing more than his implication that violence might follow a lack of coopera-​tion. In the ninety percent of the cases where the situation has gone beyond parley, he has acted alone. Seldom have his employees been required to step in. He can inflict con-​siderable damage without outside assistance. He has a rep-​utation as, er, a control freak.”

  I nodded.

  “Good. Then, it's essentially a one-​on-​one situation. We can use that. If I know his reputation without having met him, then he might know mine. I can meet him and try to persuade him he doesn't want to go through me to get to Marmilda and Marmel. If he's heard of the Great Skeeve, he'll have some idea about what I'm capable of. That's not to say that you don't have formidable reputations, too,” I said quickly.

  “It's all right, handsome,” Tananda said, with a wink.

  “'You were the top name on the letterhead. We can make use of that. Just slip into something formidable, and we'll take it from there.”

  Illusionary disguises are easy for even a beginning wiz-​ard. I had learned the skill from Aahz, and it had served me well for years. All I needed to do was concentrate on the face I wanted to present to the world and superimpose it over my own features. Size wouldn't impress a Titan like Narwickius. As Tananda said, I was looking for a mien that would give the impression of unlimited power. People always said I looked too young to be a great wizard (and they were right), so I went for disguises that made me look at least fifty. In this case, I thought I had better look as though I had been around a lot longer than my opponent. I chose a gaunt, almost skull-​like face, seamed with wrin-​kles. A thin, pointed beard and drooping mustache of steel gray framed lips that had never smiled or showed mercy. Sharp, dark eyes lurked under deep brownridges like mon-​sters in a cave. A curved beak of a nose, a widow's peak of silver hair, .aid pale, bloodless skin completed the image. I considered the whole image for a moment, then transferred it to myself.

  “How do I look?” I said, turning to Tananda. Unfortu-​nately, one of the problems with casting an illusion on yourself is that you can't see it. When you look in a mirror, all you see is yourself.

  “You'd never get a date,” she said, with a grin. I grinned back. “Perfect. Now, we wait.”

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  EIGHT

  Waiting is the hard part."

  S. LUCCI

  With the Imps' help, we set the scene. I arranged myself at the very center of the family showroom in a gaudily gilded, thronelike chair borrowed from the old man's bedroom. When impatient fists pounded the doors, I used a handful of magik to throw it open with a bang. Marmilda and Marmel rushed in to serve me the best wine and food in the house from the finest of their silver-​and-​chrome dishes. I accepted a goblet from Marmilda, who dipped in a curtsy. I bent my head to take a sip and rolled it around my mouth with an expression of distaste. Narwickius rushed in and stood glaring at me. Under my eyebrows, I peered at the new arrival. The Titan was a big creature. I had never seen one before, but Aahz had insisted I learn as many of the dimension-​traveling races as possible. He stood a good eight feet tall. His shock of silver hair nearly brushed the ceiling. His skin was a pale, metallic blue, and his eyes were charcoal gray. He wore a tunic of thick leather sewn with metal plates and a belt of braided strands that looked

  like hair. All kinds of hair. Like Klahd, Troll, Kobold, Whelf, and Faery.

  “Well?” he demanded. He glowered at all of us. I felt, rather than saw, Guido put his hand inside his coat to touch the butt of his crossbow. Chumley merely crossed his arms. I deigned to notice the newcomer.

  “Ah,” I said, delicately placing the wine cup on the Imp woman's outstretched tray. “I believe you are Master Nar-​wickius. I am pleased to see you here at last.”

  “Dispense with the chatter,” the Titan said. “What the Netherhells are you?”

  “I am . . . Skeeve the Magnificent,” I said, with just the right pause to ensure drama. Narwickius let out a loud snort.

  “A Klahd? I'm supposed to be impressed by a Klahd in a chair. What do you think, men?” He turned to the hulk-​ing brutes behind him. They laughed nastily. With Guido and Chumley behind me and Tananda lurking overhead in the attic, I was not worried about the muscle, but I did sense strong magik coming from the Vipe female at his elbow. Vipes, of sinuous body and narrow, black-​eyed face, possessed deadly magikal talents. I didn't like the idea of tangling with one myself, but I was more concerned with the well-​being of my host and hostess. Imps had no special protection against poison. This was magician number one. I hoped number two wasn't waiting in the wings. I was de-​termined not to let the matter escalate. I rested my elbows on the chair arms and tented my fingers.

  “I know why you have come,” I said, in my most im-​pressive voice. “Oh, you do, do you?” “Little is hidden from Skeeve the Magnificent,” I de-​clared. “Such as your impending death?” Narwickius de-​manded.

  “My death is far in the future,” I said, nodding as if bored. “I do not fear you. You should fear me. My minions occupy this place, and it is protected by my magik. I have .. .”

  “I've got an army out there!” Narwickius roared, inter-​rupting me. “I know about your minions. You've got one Klahd, one Troll, and those two pathetic Imps. They can-​not stand against my army!”

  So he hadn't detected Tananda yet. Her skills as a trained thief and, regrettably, occasional assassin gave her the ability to hide herself. I was concerned that if the Vipe wizardess started probing by magik, Tanda might be found. I meant to have Narwickius expend as little energy on us as possible.

  “You do not know what powers we wield,” I said. “But no matter. Why are you here?” “I'm here for the Hoho lug,” Narwickius said. “But why do you want such a small thing?” I asked, gently. “Because it's... I don't have to explain myself to you!”

  “But I stand between you and your goal.”

&
nbsp; “Do I have to tear you apart to get what I came for? Move aside! I have no time to waste on you!”

  The size of the force he had brought along meant that we stood little chance of just persuading him to go away. Besides, an idea was beginning to form in my mind. I had to hope that Guido and Chumley would just go with me on it.

  “I am not here to impede your desire,” I said, spreading out my hands. “Stop wasting my time!” Narwickius bellowed. He blinked. “What? Explain yourself, now! Hurry up!”

  I smiled. My play was going to work. His impatience was better than any other weapon I could have used on him.

  “Since our time is also valuable I will be brief,” I said. I gestured to Marmel and Marmilda, huddled together in the corner. “The lady and gentleman here do not know where their father's legacy is. They do not want trouble, and they fear harm. I could enter into battle with you, but it could result in injury to innocents. I might not win, but I doubt that I will lose.”

  “Well?” Narwickius asked, belligerently.

  I smiled gently. I had him now.

  “I offer you a bargain: if you can find this Hoho Jug, you can have it. Do you concur?” I asked Marmel and Marmilda. I had discussed it with them. If the only way to get rid of the threat was to give up their inheritance, they had said they would do it. Marmel had not been happy, but now that he had gotten a good look at the invading army, he had to see that discretion was the better part of valor. Besides, I saw a chance to get rid of the problem and per-​haps still hold on to the Hoho Jug. If it was still there in the old man's room.

  Narwickius snorted. That appeared to be his favorite way of expressing himself. I held myself imperiously. “Okay. It's a deal. What's the catch?”

  “No catch,” I said. “You can look for it until you give up. If you find it, fine. If you don't, then it's not here, and you agree to leave these people alone for good. I will place you under no other geas.”

  With that, I spread out my hands and caused the room to go dark for a moment. A brilliant fountain of light sur-​rounded me and poured up to the ceiling in a fountain. It was cheesy magik, but it worked. Aahz always said a little pomp and pageantry went a long way. Narwickius looked dazed and impressed in spite of himself. He recovered quickly.