by Becky Norman
**********
It was a closed casket. Lori didn’t have the nerve to ask why. She stood in front of it – in front of Cody – before the public visitation began and looked at her own distorted reflection coming back to her in the highly-polished cherry wood. She was having a hard time coming to grips with the reality of things. He wasn’t really in there – surely not. He was still in California, attending the horse auction. He’d be home soon and they’d have a good laugh about all this fuss. He’d want to know who showed up for this, to bid him farewell. He’d tease her about picking out flowers – flowers? – for him. She hoped he liked blue iris and yellow gladioli and roses. She’d never thought to ask. They reminded her of his eyes and hair, though, and it was the only thing she could think of to commemorate him.
She reached out a hand, wanting to touch the wood, but couldn’t bear it. At the last moment, she shakily withdrew and sighed deeply. Her eyes seemed to always be burning these days. There were hands caressing her shoulders and waist now; without looking at them, she knew it was her parents. They led her quietly away and she went without resistance. What was the point, after all? Fighting them wouldn’t bring him back. And there was nothing to see there. Just gleaming wood and flowers.
She saw Jesse and Anne leading Cody’s mother forward and was dimly aware of Mrs. Pate’s heart-wrenching wail as she neared the casket. They had to support her or she would have collapsed there. Lori watched, numbly. Cody’s mother was dressed from head to toe in black; she had even donned a black hat with black net covering for the face. For some reason, Lori was distressed by that. Perhaps she wasn’t dressed as a widow ought to be. Cody’s mother would know how to dress; she had done this once before. Lori ran a tentative hand down her own wool dress, a blend of muted greys, blacks and creams in a feminine design. Who had picked this out for her, anyway? It had been on the bed when she came back from tending the horses this morning. Probably her sister. She always had a flair for fashion.
Lori’s dad went to get her a glass of water and returned with brows drawn down in concern. “Here you go, honey. How are you doing?”
She nodded quietly as she took the cup. “I’m ok.”
He rubbed his rough hand up and down her back in support, his calloused fingers lightly sticking to the material of the dress, a small crackling sound being made like that of gauze being pulled off a wound. “There’s a lot of people lined up outside. Looks like the whole province is here to pay their respects. It’s going to be a long day. You just tell me when you need a break, ok? I’ll try to find you a stool to sit on near the casket.”
Lori looked at him, mildly shocked. “No, Dad. That’s not necessary. I’ll want to move around and stuff.”
“Well, even so. You let me know if you need anything today. I’ll be right nearby.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
It was a long day, but it didn’t feel like one until it was over and the family was able to gather in the parlour on their own with the minister from Cody’s and Lori’s church, letting him guide their way through grief with prayer. Lori’s calves ached – she wasn’t used to being in high heels for so long – and her ears were ringing from all the conversations she’d been a part of that day. She was proud of herself: she hadn’t cried once. Everyone else was so sad as they came up to pay their final respects that she felt an obligation to remain stoic for them. It had helped, actually. She was going to get through this.
As the minister said goodnight and the family were gathering up purses and coats, Lori made her way over to where Cody’s mother was sitting, dabbing at her eyes under her veil. Lori knelt down by her chair and put her hand on the black-clad knee.
“Mrs. Pate? I just wanted to let you know that I...well, that I loved your son very much.” Lori paused and clamped her lips together. She blinked hard and went on with a rush, “And I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to get to know each other very well yet, but...you’ll always be my mother-in-law and I hope we can still be close.” Lori faltered as the tears brimmed to the surface again, but she squeezed Mrs. Pate’s knee with her hand, holding on in supplication.
Cody’s mother stared down at her with cold, red-rimmed eyes then began sobbing again with such ferocity Lori began to rise and back away. She looked for help and found it in the form of Jesse, who was coming towards them with his mother’s coat on his arm. Mrs. Pate looked up at him, too, and made some inarticulate sound of distress as she stood and leaned against him.
“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Pate gasped as she grabbed his lapels and wept against his chest. Lori was unsure if she was talking to Jesse or her. “I can’t,” she cried, as the tremors racked her body. “I just can’t. Please don’t...don’t...”
Jesse gave Lori a look eloquent with helplessness and apology and Lori turned away, feeling the sting of the rebuff to her core. Her own mother held out her arms and took her in, offering the solace she needed.
“Let’s go home, sweet.”
**********
The next day was worse. Lori’s veneer began to crack and she realized just how thin it was. The agony of another, brief visitation before the funeral had to be endured and Lori felt vulnerably on display as she walked into the church, all eyes turning to her as she followed the casket to the altar. Wedged between her mother and father as she walked down the aisle, she felt as though she were re-enacting a sick parody of her wedding day, where she had taken the same route only months before.
People who were strong enough to come to the front said beautiful words in eulogy and a few tears slid down Lori’s cheeks as they sang Cody’s favourite hymns. But it was as they turned to follow the casket back out that Lori saw all the familiar faces focusing in on her in sympathy (and perhaps a morbid sense of curiosity to see if she would break). Her eyes swung around bewildered, looking for comfort and she found Shannon, seated directly behind her. There was such a profound look of misery and pity on the older woman’s face that Lori felt the crack become a steady crumbling and her chin began to quiver in earnest. Suddenly the tears were welling up faster than she could choke them back down and she turned to her father. He gathered her in and she would always remember the soft comfort of his suit as she buried her face against his chest and cried into the wool. It bothered her immensely that such an intimate moment was being viewed by so many people – even if they were family and friends – but there was no hope for it. She could not have stopped the mourning process at that point if she had forced herself.
Cody was buried in a plot near his father. The cold, open mouth of the grave raised all the hairs on the back of Lori’s neck as they approached from the cemetery driveway and she moved even closer to her father. She couldn’t stop staring at it and imagining her husband being lowered into its depths. This can’t be happening! her inner voice raged, but she did nothing but stand and shake as close family and friends assembled.
The temperature was mild and the sky was partly sunny, a few clouds scudding by in the gentle June breeze. The ground was still damp, though, from the rain they had gotten last week, and Lori’s heels sank down into the turf with crisp popping noises. She moved closer to the grave against her will, taking one of the seats provided at the site. Her father stood behind her, her mother sat next to her, and the rest of the people became another blur in this week of blurs.
Her last clear image at the cemetery was Cody’s mother, kneeling between the graves of husband and son, heedless of the wet grass on her black dress. “This is so hard” she was crying, over and over again, almost in accusation.
**********
Lori was so dull to the pain by the time they returned to the reception hall that nobody could penetrate the grey fog around her. She answered questions and said farewell to the guests like an automaton, only desperately, silently praying it would be over soon. She was exhausted. She needed to sleep. And she needed to be alone. Thankfully, Cody’s family were all going back to
their respective homes now. All of them had jobs or farms that required attention and they had already expressed their regrets at not being able to stay longer. Likewise with her own family, other than her parents. They had talked her siblings into minding their own place while they stayed with her and she felt both grateful and confident that two extra people in the house would be just enough.
It seemed like an eternity, but Lori and her mom and dad finally pulled into the yard about 5:00 and Lori let out a long, shaky breath. The public spectacle was over. Now she could start the ritual of grieving in private.
Her dad steered her towards the stairs to the bedrooms, murmuring, “Go have a nap – your mother and I will take care of the horses” and she stumbled her way up.
Unfortunately, her dreams were filled with Cody. Cody alive and laughing, showing up at the house and announcing he and Sam had found a beautiful young stallion. Cody giving her a sun-filled hug and whispering his love into her ear. When she woke up, the sun had set and she had to experience his death again, fresh and new.
There was a cloud of smoke around her mother as she sat at the kitchen table, under the muted light of the chandelier, poring over bits of paper. Lori bumped her way down the stairs, still in a fog from sleep, and pulled up a chair next to her mother.
“What are you doing?” she asked with half-hearted interest.
Lori’s mom looked up and her face softened as she reached out a hand and gently caressed her daughter’s face. “Just going over your bank statements, sweet.” She picked up her cigarette and took another drag, keeping it between her fingers as she flipped a few more pages, scanning the figures.
“Did you know Cody had purchased life insurance as part of his travel insurance before he went to California?”
Lori shook her head as the smoke swirled around the two of them, muting everything in the same haziness with which she saw the world since Cody had died.
“It’s a pretty substantial policy – it’ll be ample to cover the funeral, plus give you a bit of a cushion before you have to make a decision about this place.” Lori’s mother gestured with the cigarette, taking in the house and property.
“What do you mean?” Lori said with alarm. “What do you mean – ‘make a decision?’”
Lori’s mom reached over and stubbed out her cigarette, eyeing her daughter as she did. “Well, honey, you owe an awful lot on this place yet. I don’t know if what you’re making from training will be enough to support you here. And a farm is a lot of work for one person.”
Lori pushed back slightly from the table, putting some distance between herself and her mother. “You think I don’t know that? I run this place alone every time Cody goes away!” Lori bit down hard on her lip and amended herself, “every time he went away.”
She shook her head belligerently. “I’ll figure out a way. I’m not leaving.”
Her raised voice attracted her father’s attention and he came over to stand behind her, laying a firm hand on the back of her neck. “Lori, think a little bit here. You can’t take this on alone. It’s not safe – a 21-year-old girl living here alone? – plus you’re not going to be able to afford it. We’re going to help you sell this place and then you’re going to come home with us.” His voice was firm and brooked no opposition, but Lori fought him, anyway.
“No, Dad!” She swallowed away another bout of tears that were sloshing around in her throat. “No! I’ve been getting some wealthy clients lately...and Cody—“ her voice cracked on his name, but she carried on, “Cody had people lined up to buy the four extra horses we’ve got on the property now. That’ll be some more income – I can call them tomorrow and get the sales finalized.”
She looked at her mother, eyes pleading with the parent she knew might take her side. “You said yourself that there’s money from this insurance policy – at least let me see what I can do. If I can’t make it work, then I’ll have to do something else, but at least let me try.” She reached out a hand and her mother took it with a small nod.
“It doesn’t have to be decided tonight. Let me look the papers over some more and figure out how serious things are, ok?” Lori nodded, satisfied, and let some of the tension out of her shoulders as she sat back. Doing so brought her up against her dad’s hip and she looked up at him over her shoulder.
He shook his head, just as stubborn as she, and squeezed the nape of her neck slightly with his rough hands. “I don’t want you here alone, baby. You need someone to take care of you.”
“Oh, Tom, for Heaven’s sake,” Lori’s mother interrupted, “let her try! She’s not your little girl anymore – she’s an adult – and she’s been handling things on and off without Cody already.”
She gave Lori a comforting smile and then looked up at her husband again. “It’s not like we’re thousands of miles away – if she runs into trouble, we can be here within a couple of hours.”
Lori’s dad snorted in doubt. “Like that’s enough time,” he muttered, but let the subject drop.
**********
A widow from their church had told Lori during the visitation that the first couple of weeks weren’t the hardest. She had warned Lori that the most difficult time would come when the rest of her family and friends returned to their own lives and she was left to adjust to the silence. The widow was right.
Lori’s parents had stayed for two weeks, ensuring all of the details that could be managed had been. They left with regret, clinging to her hands, returning again and again to the front porch for kisses and hugs, turning to wave good-bye several times on the short walk to their car. By the time they actually turned onto the road, she was almost – but not quite – exasperated with them. She was also bereft. She turned back towards the house, looked at the building which suddenly seemed so terribly imposing, and walked around it to the backyard and the pastures.
Everything had already been done with the horses for the day. Lori had even given all the tack a thorough cleaning and disinfected all the water tanks on the property, just to keep busy since the funeral. She looked around for something to do, though, knowing on a 10-acre property she would find a whole host of tasks that needed accomplishing.
Impulsively, she walked to the wooden stairs leading up to the loft above the barn. She craned her neck up to look at the top of the stairs and an idea came to her. Cody had suggested they put the loft on – not for storing hay, since they didn’t like the potential fire hazard – but rather for eventually making a small apartment up there. He thought they might one day want a barn manager who could live on-site and help with the daily upkeep of the place while they were busy with their own careers. Lori shook her head ruefully at that. They certainly had big dreams, now all lying in ruins like the pieces of his airplane. Still, she had nothing better to do but to go up there and tidy the place.
Lori kept herself busy there for several hours, rearranging the few pieces of furniture, dusting off counters and sweeping floors. She even checked out the running water in the sink and shower stall and ensured that the electric still worked for lights and appliances. It really was quite cozy, she thought as she went to the door and took a final glance around. Maybe she could rent it out to someone as another source of income.
**********
Shannon was really the one who got her back on track and into some form of routine. She started phoning Lori on a daily basis to ask how the training was coming and also to set up another demonstration of Lori working with Renny a couple of weeks after Lori’s parents left. Lori felt it was all too soon at first, but the more days that went by where the silence in the house hung over her like a malicious black bat, the more grateful she was for the jobs.
At first, Lori was able to pretend that Cody was still alive and had just been forced to stay away longer on this trip than previous ones. But as the days stretched on and there were no phone calls, no text messages, no contact with him anymore, reality finally started to take effect. That’
s when the darkness started to settle in and it took all the will Lori possessed to get out of bed in the mornings and go feed the horses. Her training of all of them started to slide and she found more and more excuses to avoid the barn except for the necessity of feeding.
Instead, she started to lie around on the couch and just let herself weep. She knew that Kübler-Ross had theorized there were seven stages of grieving, but couldn’t say what they were beyond denial, anger and acceptance. Well, she’d done the denial – she could check that one off her list. She didn’t feel particularly angry, so she assumed that one was still ahead of her and she was definitely not ready for acceptance. Instead, she wanted nothing more than to imagine how it felt to have Cody’s arms around her and then dig deep into the pain of having lost that feeling. She wrapped her arms around herself as best she could and roared with crying, twisting the knife of memory deep into her core, wanting to hurt.
She would do that for hours until her face was swollen and burned from the tears, her stomach was heaving, and she was physically worn out. There was no one to stop her – at least, not until Shannon started calling – and she almost relished her allotted mourning time every day. That is, until one day with her arms wrapped around herself and her body doubled up in a chair, she felt a sharp, stabbing pain in her heart. That rattled her. She had to straighten up quickly and rub hard on her chest to get the pressure to ease. She thought she was too young to have a heart attack and she had always been in perfect health – she had to be causing this herself by all of this dramatic carrying on. When that thought was followed by the realization that if anything happened to her out here, there would be no one to help her now, she sobered up quickly. The time had come to stop feeling sorry for herself and get on with it. This type of grieving wasn’t going to bring Cody back, either, and it was only going to harm her.