by Becky Norman
Thankfully, Shannon had called her the next day and told her about the demo she wanted to set up with Renny and Lori had jumped at the offer with alacrity. There were undeniably still days when she would see something that reminded her of Cody or some other trigger that would bring on another bout of tears, but after the day when it felt as though her heart was being squeezed by an iron hand, she started intervening in her own pain and never let the grieving go on too long.
The horses, too, had helped a lot. Piper had been a constant source of strength and reassurance to her and most evenings ended for Lori with her wrapping her arms around his powerful neck and shoulders, letting his quiet influence seep into her soul through osmosis. She felt, as she looked out the barn window with her horse that they were in this together and between the two of them they’d handle whatever came their way.
Even more surprising to Lori was the realization that Ebony could also be a source of reassurance. At first, the pain Lori had felt when looking at Ebony had cut her to the quick. How was she ever going to be able to endure looking at that horse again, knowing that she had belonged to Cody? How could she get past the pain of seeing all his unrecognized dreams in the mare? And yet, one afternoon after Lori had returned from church, where she had kept a stiff upper lip and pretended that she was perfectly ok, she had gone to the pasture, walked in and the tears had caught her by surprise. They had choked her as she tried to pretend she was past them and she started to panic when she realized she wasn’t anywhere near as strong as she had put on at the church. It wasn’t Piper who had came to her rescue that day – it had been Ebony, who with her massive, gentle body had come up to her and looked her in the eye. Then, to Lori’s amazement, Ebony had lifted her head and rested her muzzle against Lori’s tear-soaked cheek and then softly, calmly began to blow gentle, healing breaths across her face. Lori stood in stunned silence, her tears instantly replaced with the most profound sense of peace she had ever experienced in her life. Ebony continued to breathe gently on her face, giving her a Percheron’s strength and calm, until Lori was settled and stable once again. She felt as though God had been breathing on her directly and that ultimately, she wasn’t really alone.
**********
Another surprise had come at the beginning of July, when Jesse had phoned her on a Wednesday morning. He wanted to know if she would come with him, Anne and their three children to the Toronto Zoo. While Lori knew invitations like this were borne out of pity and a feeble gesture to make her feel included, she didn’t care. She wanted to be included in family gestures of this kind – especially since Cody’s mother still couldn’t bring herself to even speak with Lori on the phone. Lori accepted without a second thought and waited with anticipation for Saturday to arrive and Jesse’s family to pull into the yard.
His three children – two boys and a girl – were bubbling over with excitement at the prospect of a day at the zoo. To Lori, who had spent the past three weeks in utter isolation on the farm, their giddy voices and high energy level were a physical shock as she climbed into the back of the van and slid the side door shut. They had a thousand stories to tell her about the new calves that had been born this year, the problem they were having with their air disk drill, the bat that had gotten into the house and the trout they were planning to buy to stock their pond. She was awash in their conversation and sat mutely; allowing Jesse and Anne’s daughter to braid her hair from the far back seat while she stared out the window and let the voices bring her back from her solitude.
Jesse paid for everything, despite her protests. They stopped for bagels and coffee on the way but had lunch on the zoo grounds; he had also covered her admission and even bought her a t-shirt announcing she’d been there. They decided to go to the left first, since Jesse’s youngest was fairly bursting to see the rhinos, elephants and giraffes in the African Savanna display.
The kids raced ahead – keeping just within shouting distance of Jesse – and Anne fell in next to Lori as they walked along. She was a pleasant enough woman, with large, soft brown curls that draped around her oval-shaped face, but Lori had always felt she was lacking in personality. Nondescript, is how she had described Anne to Cody when he had asked Lori why she didn’t hang out with her more. Anne had always struck Lori as the dutiful housewife, never making waves or voicing her own needs, suffering from a lack of originality and enthusiasm. Her world revolved around her kids, baking and ensuring dinner was on the table when Jesse came in from the fields. They were all noble pursuits as far as Lori was concerned, but it did limit what the two women had in common.
Anne tried now to strike up a conversation but it was as awkward and stilted as their conversations always were. “How have things been, Lori?” she asked as she adjusted her purse on her arm with one hand and checked a curl with the other. “The weather seems to be cooperating today.”
Lori cast an eye to the clouds that were gradually breaking up and allowing the sunshine through and nodded. “Yes, it looks like we won’t get rained on, anyway.”
A few more strides and Anne tried again.
“You seem to be holding your own since the funeral. Have you made any decision about the farm?”
Lori knew Anne didn’t want any of the gory details. They were to keep this dialogue on the surface of her pain. “Well, I’m coping pretty well, Anne – thanks for asking. I think if I can do a few more demonstrations on the property this summer, I might be able to keep enough clients interested to establish my business.”
They brushed elbows as they walked and moved away from each other just a fraction. “That’s the horse training you’re talking about?”
Lori stepped over a melting scoop of ice cream that had fallen off someone’s cone and nodded. “Yes, I was starting to build a good customer base before Cody....”
“Right – I remember Jesse mentioning that.” Anne gave a brief shudder, though the morning was already warm. “I could never understand your and Cody’s fascination with horses. They scare me to death.”
Lori sighed inwardly and looked longingly at Jesse’s back in front of them, wishing he were closer to them to jump in with topics of interest for both. The Pate family had been around horses their entire lives, but obviously his choice of wife hadn’t necessitated that interest. He was too far ahead to help with the awkwardness, though, and Lori tried to steer their conversation out of muddy waters.
“Well, they’re certainly not for everyone – there’s always a risk with a thousand-pound animal whose first instinct is to run away when it’s scared.” She looked around at the displays set up for the public and pointed at an information board to their right. “What kinds of animals do you want to see today, Anne?”
As soon as it was possible, Lori found an excuse to slide away and spend time with the children, pointing out bits of trivia to them about the animals they were watching. She had spent many years when she was younger reading nature magazines and researching all sorts of animals out of utter fascination and she was amazed at how much information she had retained. The kids thought she was teasing them when she told them that the hippopotamus they were watching was related to the horse but they later confirmed that they knew the cheetah was the fastest land mammal.
They asked her to describe the fight she had seen between two giraffes on a documentary, where they had used their long, powerful necks to slam each other around and they stared with fascination as the towering animals’ long tongues curled around leaves as they ate from the trees. Lori explained how a giraffe has to spread its front legs out to either side when it drinks, thereby rendering itself completely vulnerable to crocodile attacks from the water. That set them off on another paroxysm of stories about gazelles and wildebeests they had seen on TV who had suffered at the reptile’s powerful jaws.
They went quickly through the Canadian Domain, since the children didn’t seem engaged by animals they saw on a regular basis at home and ate a late lunch once they’d gone through th
e Tundra Trek. Thankfully, Jesse sat next to Lori and Anne at lunch and helped come up with topics of conversation in between bites of food and reprimanding the children. At one point Anne got up and walked over to the far end of the table where her youngest boy was eating his French fries off the table. Lori watched in puzzlement as Anne forcefully grabbed his arm, pointed at the container, shook him gently, and picked up the fries and threw them away.
She looked away as Anne came back to them, but realized Jesse had been watching her confusion over the scene. He winked at her conspiratorially with a slow smile spreading across his face.
“Anne doesn’t like them to eat off public tables,” he told her as his wife sat back down next to them. “She’s apparently afraid of germs. Not that those two boys don’t consume germs by the bucket-load every day of their lives,” he chuckled.
Anne gave him a cutting look and shrugged. “Mock me all you want, Jesse, but I’ve told you – they should never dump their food on a public table. They have to keep it in the container they get from the counter.”
Lori wisely decided to stay out of the conversation, but couldn’t help smiling when Jesse added, “You know, there’s probably just as many germs hanging about those containers in a place like this as there is on the table.”
Anne looked scathingly at both of them. “Go ahead and laugh, you two. All I can say is I once saw a woman change her baby’s diaper on a table like this and I’ll never eat my food off of one again.” She made a small moue of distaste and Lori pushed her own tray away.
Everyone in the group was tired by the time they reached the Eurasia exhibit and little feet were dragging enough that Jesse gave in and picked up their youngest as they entered the final stretch. Enthusiasm had drastically decreased and Lori knew it wouldn’t be long before the day drew to a close. She also knew that Jesse had a long drive ahead of him and the entire party was anxious to get going.
She knew all of that, and yet when she stepped up to the enclosure where the Snow Leopards were kept, she couldn’t have moved if there had been an emergency evacuation. She caught the eye of one of the big cats as she was walking up and the animal came forward towards her with such a purpose that she felt as frozen as one of the ibexes that would undoubtedly have been its prey in the wild.
She was riveted to its green-grey eyes as it trotted up with lowered head, its immensely long tail floating behind. Lori heard herself give a short gasp as the hunter stood just feet away and penetrated her soul with its gaze. She had seen big cats before in zoo environments and knew of the snow leopard but she had never experienced one like this. It felt as though every nerve ending in her body was stretching toward the animal, seeking to become one with it. The hair on her arms stood up and a slight shiver passed down her spine as the cat put one huge paw up on a support of the enclosure, almost as though it were reaching towards her, as well.
They would have stayed locked in each other’s gaze, with adrenalin flooding through Lori’s system eternally, if Jesse hadn’t come back for her. He touched Lori gently on the elbow and she instinctively, unconsciously pulled away, still staring into the eyes of the grey predator. She couldn’t have explained it and would never have tried, but she was certain the cat was absorbing her essence, reading her history, burrowing into every secret place she had ever tucked away inside herself since she was a child and claiming her as its own.
“Lori?” Jesse said softly and inquisitively as he reached for her again. “Are you ok?”
The cat broke the stare by turning to look at Jesse and released Lori from its grip. Lori laughed shakily, feeling ridiculous and conscious of how she must have looked. “Yeah,” she cleared her throat. “Yeah, I’m alright. Beautiful animal, isn’t it?”
She nodded towards the eater of her soul, trying to avert her gaze so it wouldn’t draw her in again, but Jesse seemed completely oblivious to its power. “Sure – you’ve gotta love the big cats. Listen, we need to head out soon – I’ve got to get you home and get these kids into bed before they turn any more ghoulish.”
“Right.” Lori cleared her throat and averted her eyes from the power that was emanating from the enclosure next to her. “Do you want me to drive home, Jesse?”
He turned to walk away, expecting her to follow. “No, that’s alright. I’m not really that tired – but the kids are.”
Lori took a step away from the Snow Leopard, but then turned back and squatted down briefly so she and the big cat were on the same level. “Good-bye,” she whispered, as the animal sat down and lifted its head, as though acknowledging her adoration. “I won’t forget you.”
She looked up and caught the eye of a man standing nearby. He was an average-sized blond, with spiky hair and riddled with tattoos. Dressed in the coveralls that identified him as a zoo employee, Lori realized with embarrassment he had just watched her interaction with the cat. He gave her a bemused look and opened his mouth as though he were going to say something, then thought better of it.
Lori shrugged with a self-conscious smile and backed away from the zookeeper. Yet she couldn’t stop her fingers from trailing along the enclosure’s fence as she walked away; they dragged across the metal as though they weighed a thousand pounds.
**********
The van was comfortingly silent on the drive home from Toronto. The children had fallen asleep as soon as the soothing rhythm of the van’s movement and engine hum had gotten underway. Lori could hear Jesse and Anne murmuring softly to one another occasionally in the front seats but their voices, too, blended into the background noise and allowed her the peace to think about the snow leopard she’d seen.
Looking at the cat had almost given her an electric charge; afterwards, she had felt that same buzz through her body that she’d gotten when she had inadvertently touched the electric rope fencing at the farm.
Why? she wondered to herself. Why had an animal affected her like that? She closed her eyes and relived the feeling as the miles slid by, but no answer was forthcoming. And all she saw, over and over again, were the blazing eyes of the big cat.
She slipped quietly out of the van when it pulled up to the house, assuring Jesse and Anne that she would be okay to go in by herself. She didn’t want to wake the children, so protested in a whisper when Jesse insisted on accompanying her to the door.
He went with her, anyway, cupping her elbow as he followed her up the porch steps and looking through the front window to make sure everything was still in order in the house. Satisfied that she would be safe, he nodded at her and thanked her for coming along.
Lori raised her eyebrows in surprise. “It’s me who should be thanking you, Jesse. I needed this time away to get out with people again. I appreciate you thinking of me.”
He hesitated slightly for a split second, then wrapped his arms around her and gave her a gentle hug and kiss on the cheek in farewell. “It was my pleasure,” he assured her.
Lori watched him return to the van and waved good-bye at Anne. Jesse’s wife didn’t return the wave but instead gave Lori an enigmatic look, her white face almost harsh and ghostlike behind the glass of the van’s window.
Lori made a small noise of consternation at that look, but then shrugged her shoulders and headed into the house. She chastised herself for making something out of nothing and thought no more about it as the kittens came running to greet her.
**********
Noel greeted his friend at their favourite coffee shop and settled into the deep-seated plush chair with a sigh.
“What are you having?” the spiky blond asked.
“They have an organic earl grey I’m going to try,” he responded distractedly, pointing at a fresh tattoo on his friend’s arm. “When did you get that?”
The blond smiled. “Last week,” he said. “Do you like it?”
Noel slid to the edge of the chair and took the arm in his hands to inspect the work. A Celtic cat was embroidered on his friend’s skin, swallowing i
ts own tail.
“Nice,” Noel said, sliding back as he released the arm.
“I have some news for you.”
“Oh?” Noel asked, regarding the waiter as he brought the earl grey to their low table. He watched the man lay out the cup, pot, spoon, milk and sugar. “Thank you,” he murmured as the man nodded and left.
“She was at the snow leopards’ cage today.”
Noel snapped his eyes towards his friend.
“What? Are you certain?”
A smirk played across his friend’s face. “Pretty certain. Black hair, nice eyes, pretty tall?”
Noel stirred his tea. “Sounds like the one in my dream.”
“Good looking.”
“Mm.”
Noel could feel the blond’s eyes on him but gave no reaction.
“The snow leopards, you say?”
“I do. Min was quite taken with her - ran right up to the fence.”
“Interesting. Soon then, I think.”
His friend nodded. “I would think so.” He paused, cocking his head to the side. “Will you come ’round and speak with her tomorrow?”
Noel nodded in return. “I’ll be there. Is she in the same cage she was before?”
“Yeah.”
Chapter 5
The robins started early in the morning, well before the sun actually broke the line of the horizon and shed light on the day. They began their tentative singing when the black of night was just giving way to a deeper shade of grey and the earth was still cool. Some mornings Lori appreciated the wake-up call from the birds, but today it was simply maddening. She burrowed further under the covers, pulling one of Cody’s pillows over her head, disrupting the kittens that were tucked in against her. Since Cody’s death, they had begun sleeping with her on a regular basis. Today, however, they stood and stretched when they were dislodged from their sleeping place and Lori moaned softly. The robins’ incessant three notes, chirped repeatedly outside her window were enough to drag her out of sleep and tempt her to throw a shoe from the second story towards the nearest tree. Instead, she got up mumbling, rubbed a hand across her face, and then pushed her sleep-tangled hair away from her eyes. She might as well get started early and avoid the heat that was predicted to come today. She had a lot to do on this particular Saturday – all the horses but Ebony and Piper were being sold. Or at least she hoped they were.