Shady Oaks

by Jerry Boyd

  “Recreation facilities for the residents. Get them up and stirring around.”

  “That sounds nice. I may have to reserve a spot there for when I retire.”

  “Thanks for your help.”

  “All part of the service. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye.”

  John said, “You make things look so easy.”

  “Straightforward, anyway. Step one, acquire ginormous amounts of cash. Step two, hire experts. Step three, admire results.”

  “When you explain it like that, it does sound simple. Glad we got help with step one.”

  “Me too. Speaking of step two, how’s Jane coming at talking her crew into trying the ‘new treatment’ for their dependents?”

  “She’s talking with them, I haven’t heard how much progress she’s made yet.”

  “You should have a meeting with her. Tell her how much you appreciate her efforts.”

  “Matchmaker Bob? Another new action figure? Can I collect the whole set?”

  “Now who’s the asshole?”

  “You, of course. Isn’t that a saying even? Bob’s your asshole.”

  “Uncle, dipshit, uncle. Bob’s your uncle.”

  “No, that doesn’t make any sense. You’re an only child.”

  “Oy! What do you need me to do today, anyway?”

  “I thought you could help the boys.”

  “Bad idea, John. I only slow them down.”

  “Joking. Nikki and you need to take Mr. Bailey to the pound. After that I’m not sure.”

  “I don’t know if she’s here yet or not. She went by to see Joanna’s car. Let me out, and I’ll go see.”

  “Later, Bob.”

  He let me out. I went to the desk, and asked if Mrs. Wilson had arrived. “She’s in a meeting with Mrs. Sloan.”

  The tone strongly implied they were not to be disturbed. “When she gets finished, please tell her I’m outside.”

  “Of course, sir.”

  I joined the Frisbee circle. Snitz brought me the disc with a pleading look on his face. I picked a spot between two people that had a long stretch of yard. I sailed it for all I was worth, and Snitz took off like a rocket. Fixodent got a workout as jaws dropped. Snitz jumped for it, just before he ran out of yard. Caught it while airborne, and landed running. He brought it back to one of the old folks, and they went back to their game. I realized I was disruptive, and went to find a place to sit. Nikki caught me before I sat down. “Caveman, Dee said we can take Mr. Bailey to the pound.”

  “Do you really think he’ll get adopted? I’d hate to see him get put down.”

  “Caveman, get serious!”

  “It’s still summer. The World Serious isn’t till fall.”

  “What?” She fiddled with her watch. It’s the World Series, and that’s totally irrelephant to what I was talking about.”

  “Good, but you need the cigar and the eyebrows. Like this. I’ll never forget the morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.”

  Apparently, we had gained an audience, because there was a chorus of, “We tried for half a day to get the tusks out of that elephant. Of course, in Alabama, the tusks are loosa.”

  I spoke up. “Marx brothers movie night, you say?”

  “Yes!”

  “Do you know the password?”

  “Swordfish!”

  “I’ll talk to Mrs. Sloan.”

  “Thanks, Bob!”

  “You are all individuals.”

  We had a few dropouts, but still a good number came back with, “We are all individuals.”

  I didn’t know quite where to go from there, so I tried the first thing that came to mind. “Welease Wodewick!”

  Sure enough, they came back with, “He’s a wobber and a wapist”.

  I was saved by Rena coming out to call everyone in for lunch.

  Dee met us on the way in. “You organizing an insurrection out there, Mr. Wilson?”

  “No, Your magnificence. I have however been deputized to bring you a request from your humble subjects.”

  “A request, you say? What might that be, Mr. Wilson?”

  “Marx Brothers movie night!”

  “Bob Wilson, corrupting the innocent wherever he goes. I think that can be arranged. No bubble gum cigars, however. Too hard on dentures.”

  “Pretzel sticks?”

  “That’s a crummy idea, Bob. Rena will get her revenge, you know.”

  “Hello, I must be going.”

  Ms. Vonn looked like someone had hit her pause button. I think the conversation had passed her by. She asked Dee, “Where will you be, Mrs. Sloan?”

  “Having lunch with these two idiots. I have my cell if anything is urgent.”

  “Yes Ma’am”

  I spoke up. “She gets away with it? Whassammata, no back pockets?”

  “The dignity comes with the job.”

  “Yes Ma’am.”

  “You’ll pay, Bob Wilson, you’ll pay.”

  “Better stop by the bank and get some singles.”

  “Jump in any time, Nikki.”

  “You expect me to keep up with you two? Crap in the other one, see which one fills up first.”

  The cafeteria was busy, but John had saved a table for us. He and Jane were going over something. All I caught was the fact a lot of medical words were flying back and forth. Jane said, “Oh, hi. I was just testing John’s medical knowledge. He knows as much as most P.A.s. Shame his military training doesn’t count towards civilian credentials.

  John replied, “I just fell in a gap where we didn’t get dual credit.”

  Dee said, “It’s too bad you don’t know a hacker or somebody like that. They could monkey with your records and get you certified.”

  John replied, “If the truth ever came out, the hacker and I would be in deep doo-doo.”

  Dee said, “It would be difficult, living with something like that hanging over you.”

  Jane said, “I always get the feeling you folks are talking on three levels at once. It’s scary sometimes.”

  I spoke up, “Nothing scary about us. Except on chili night. Then you better bring your gas mask.”

  Nikki said, “Oh Lord yes! Green clouds oozing out of the covers, looking for nose hairs to curl.”

  Jane replied, “TMI, TMI, WTFTMI!”

  I looked at Nikki, “Sounds like she’s asking for your terms for her surrender, General.”

  “Let’s see, I think a promise to appear next Sunday for appropriate punishment would be adequate.”

  Jane asked, “Did I just get invited to the dreaded paintball Sunday?”

  I said, “Sounds that way. I bet Greg is sneaky. I want him on my team.”

  Dingus spoke up, “No dibs. We choose fair and square.”

  Jane said, “You guys are arguing over who gets Greg on their team? You are loonies.”

  Dee said, “He’s small enough to ride Taz. Talk about your sniper nest.”

  I said, “We’ll have to get him some kind of harness, wouldn’t want him to fall.”

  Jane said, “You guys are serious?”

  John said, “Almost never, but it’s a fun ride.”

  Jane replied, “It is, isn’t it.”

  After we finished lunch, Nikki and I went to find Mr. Bailey. He was sitting in the lounge with a glass of tea. “Hey there, you two, how you doing today?”

  Nikki said, “We’re doing pretty well, how about yourself?”

  “Wore myself out playing Frisbee, needed a break.”

  I spoke up. “Too tired to go for a ride, then?”

  “You talking about a jailbreak, boy? Ain’t never too tired for a jailbreak.”

  “Get your hat, don’t wanna be blinding nobody with that bald head of yours.”

  “Anybody ever mention you’re an asshole, son?”

  “Now that you mention it, I believe I have heard that a time or two.”

  “You’re alright, Mr. Wilson.”

  “Call me Bob.”<
br />
  Mr. Bailey found his hat, I went to the desk to sign him out. Ms. Vonn was not amused. “You’re not his family, you can’t sign him out.”

  “Director’s representative, on a day trip authorized by the director. How much more legit can it be?”

  Dee saw us at the counter, and wandered over to see what was happening. “Is there a problem, Ms. Vonn?”

  “This, this, ruffian, wants to sign out Mr. Bailey.”

  Mr. Bailey looked at me. “I do believe you’re coming up in the world, son. Ruffian, that’s got to beat asshole all to pieces, don’t it?”

  “I think it would, sir. Just wait till she gets to know me better. Then all will be right with the world.”

  “How is it your eyes ain’t brown, boy?”

  I pointed at Dee. “This one swears I wear blue contacts.”

  “That would explain it.”

  Dee said, “Instead of Typhoid Mary, I get Idiocy Bob. Spreads the loony wherever he goes.”

  I replied, “It’s so nice to be appreciated.”

  Dee turned to Ms. Vonn. “Did he explain to you this trip was authorized by me?”

  “He didn’t show me any paperwork to prove his wild claims.”

  Dee walked in her office to get her purse. She set it on the counter, and got out her wallet. “Ms. Vonn, we agreed on fifteen dollars an hour, didn’t we?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve been with us three days?”

  “More like two, I started very late the first day.”

  “And two weeks severance makes twelve days. What does that come to, Bob?”

  “Eight hour days?”

  “Yes.”

  “Hundred and twenty a day, twelve days, fourteen hundred and forty, Ma’am.”

  “It’s your lucky day, Ms. Vonn. I’m rounding up.” She counted fifteen Benjamins out on the counter. “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.” I thought I knew what flustered looked like. I was wrong.

  As soon as she was gone, Dee stepped around the desk. She got on the intercom. “Rena Jackson, please report to the front desk at your earliest convenience. Rena Jackson, front desk please.”

  She looked at me and said, “Sign the paper, Bob.”

  I signed it and asked, “What did I do to get on her bad side?”

  “Near as I could tell, it was because you were male. She couldn’t even get along with Dingus.”

  Rena walked up. “Yes Ma’am?”

  “You’ve got the desk again. If you can find somebody for your spot in housekeeping, you can keep it.”

  “Thank you, Ma’am.”

  “My name is Dee. If I let you get away with ma’am, then I have to put up with it from Bobby Apples over there.”

  “Okay, Dee. Anything special I need to worry about?”

  “Call Joanna Michaels, ask her to come by when she has time. If you’re going to be a receptionist, we need to bump your pay.”

  “Thanks Dee.”

  “Just don’t make me send you on down the road like that last girl.”

  “Do my best, Dee.”

  The show was over, so we went on out to Nikki’s rig. Snitz needed pets again, of course, but he went back to his Frisbee game. Mr. Bailey called, “Shotgun!”

  I got in behind him. I asked, “You seem like you get around okay, Lord knows your mind’s still sharp, what are you doing in this joint in the first place?”

  “My stepson wanted my construction business. Bought a shrink to say I wasn’t with it anymore. Then he took my stuff, and put me here.”

  “Seems to be some of that going around. Let me make a call.”

  He asked Nikki, “What can he do? It’s a legal document, I can’t even hire a lawyer.”

  “Hide and watch. My man gets things done.”

  I called John. “Hey, John, you’re not busy are you?”

  “No more than anybody else who’s ass-deep in alligators, what do you need, Bob?”

  “You know that project we’ve got going to get court rulings overturned?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can you add Mr. Bailey to the list?”

  “No, I can’t, Bob.”

  “Why not?”

  “I put him on myself, yesterday.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Hey, Bob, is Nikki with you?”

  “She is. What do you need?”

  “Can she give Dingus permission to fly that saucer she came in on?”

  “I don’t see why not. What’s up?”

  “My turn to have a secret project, Bob.”

  “Be that way. Talk to you later.”

  “Later.”

  “Nikki, honey, John needs you to let Mr. Sloan drive your old ride. Is that okay?”

  “I guess, why?”

  “He wouldn’t say. Secret project was all I got.”

  “I’ll take care of it as soon as I’m not driving.”

  “Cool. Mr. Bailey, John was already working on getting your competency hearing overturned.”

  “How’s he gonna do that?”

  “Careful application of large amounts of spendolium.”

  “Even If you do get it reversed, I won’t be able to pay him back.”

  “We figured to work it out of you. Seems like we’ve always got construction going on these days, sure could use a foreman.”

  “You fellas play for keeps, don’t ya?”

  “Just hate to see talent go to waste.”

  We passed the bowling alley. Mr. Bailey said, “Shame we don’t have time for a game or two.”

  I replied, “Don’t know about Nikki, but I wouldn’t be much competition, I’m afraid. Maybe we need to see about getting a bowling night set up. Got to be more bowlers than just you.”

  “Bob, you and John sure are changing things around that place. All that costs money, don’t it? Are the prices going up?”

  “Nope. Both of us came into some money lately. We’re just trying to do some good with it.”

  “How did you manage to come into so much money, then?”

  “I had an uncle I never met who decided to leave me a wad of cash. I think John had some stock he had forgotten about, and the company discovered some new technology.”

  “You sure your eyes ain’t brown? You don’t have to tell, but, that story is weak.”

  “You’d have to take a test, before I could tell you the real story.”

  “What kind of test?”

  “Sit around for ten or fifteen minutes with a silly looking cap on.”

  “You got me curious, now. How soon could I do that?”

  “We’ve got time this afternoon. We could run by the house and take care of it on the way back.”

  “Things move fast when you’re around, Bob.”

  “No use waiting, if a thing needs doing.”

  We got to the shelter. I asked, “Got any idea what you want?”

  “I’ll know when I see the right one.”

  They let us back to walk around. Mr. Bailey had a pet and a few words for all the dogs, but he didn’t seem to be settling on any of them. Then we saw a tired looking female. She was fuzzy, and yellow. Pure mutt, as far as I could tell. She looked up at him, but didn’t bother getting up. “Here girl.” He held out a piece of ham left over from lunch. She sniffed, and decided maybe this was worth getting up. She came over, got the ham, and stayed for pets. Mr. Bailey said, “She needs me as much as I need her. We’ll do fine.” He opened the cage and said, “Come on, Molly, we’ve got places to be.”

  She followed him like she been doing it for years. The lady at the desk said she was already fixed, but they weren’t sure about her shots. I paid the fee, and we took off. Mr. Bailey knew a vet he trusted, so we took her there to get checked over. They agreed to let us leave her and pick her up after we ran some errands. We went by the farm store and got all the things she would need. Then we headed out to our place. Mr. Bailey said, “Wait a minute, ain’t this place supposed to be haunted?”

  “Not anymore. We took care
of that when we first moved in.”

  “Okay, Bob, whatever you say.”

  We went in. Nikki asked, “Anybody need something to drink?”

  I said, “I’d like a glass of tea, please.”

  Mr. Bailey said, “I’d like one, too, please.”

  I told him, “Have a seat, I’ll be right back.” I went and got the acceptable contact machine. “You ready?”

  “Ready as I’m gonna get. Does it hurt?”

  “Not anymore. Nikki and I fixed it so it doesn’t.”

  “You two are strange.”

  I hooked him up. He passed. I asked, “Feel okay?”

  “A little light headed, but it’s clearing up fast.”

  “Why don’t we start with this place being haunted. Nikki’s not from around here. Her Grandpa got here a long time ago, broke his saucer and couldn’t get home. He waited a long time, but nobody came, so he went to sleep for a long time. His chamber failing was what made this place so spooky. It was making all kinds of noise you can’t hear, but makes you want to run away. We found it, and got him out. Turned off the noise, so now the house doesn’t scare the crap out of people anymore.”

  “That’s a fine story, Bob. You even seem to believe it, but I need some proof.”

  Nikki came in with Grandpa’s key. She said, “Come on then.”

  We went to the cellar. He said, “He stored all this for when he woke up?”

  “Yep. He had a friend that was supposed to wake him up, but he died before he could.”

  “You said something about a saucer?”

  “Come on out to the barn.”

  We locked up the cellar, and went to the barn. I pulled out my comm, and had the bots open the door for us. “Neat trick, Bob.”

  “Dingus figured that one out.”

  “You mean Mr. Sloan?”

  “Yep. He’s the feller from the cellar.”

  “What’s this floor? It’s not regular concrete.”

  Nikki said, “It’s a lot like what you call epoxy granite.”

  He looked up. “Them are saucers, all right. Do they really fly?”

  Nikki climbed aboard the one I had used this morning. She said, “Watch this.” She fired it up and turned on stealth. “Where did it go, Bob?”

  “Feel for it. It’s still there.”

  He stuck his hand out and slowly walked forward. He made contact. “It is! That’s how they keep from getting caught, huh?”

  “Yep.”

  Nikki opened the door. “Wanna ride?”