Online

by Madeleine Taylor

  Syd laughs. “Brian sounds a little boring,” she jokes. “If you don’t mind me saying that.”

  “No, not at all. He really was boring during our last years together. Or maybe he was just too busy fucking his assistant to do things with me.” I pause, reflecting on our time together. “Maybe it was partially my fault too. He clearly didn’t feel satisfied in the relationship or he wouldn’t have looked for a fling elsewhere.”

  “Nonsense.” Syd kisses my temple. “There’s no excuse for bad behavior.”

  “True, but with him, I never felt how I feel with you and he must have sensed that. But we were friends and that was what hurt the most, the betrayal and the fact that he lied to me. I always admired people who could remain friends after a separation, but in our case, there was too much resentment from my side, I suppose. The cheating and the painful meetings during the divorce procedure was something I just couldn’t get over.” I shrug. “I haven’t spoken to him since and frankly; I feel no need to.”

  The waitress brings our wine, so we stall our conversation and I turn my attention back to the menu. There’s a murmur of voices as a group of men sit down at the reserved table beside us. I don’t pay much attention to them, too consumed with the thrilling feel of Syd’s body pressed against mine and her hand stroking my shoulder after the waitress has left with our order. A waft of distinct cologne penetrates my senses and I cringe at the smell. There’s something about it that I don’t like, and I need a moment to figure out why before it hits me. I’ve made the connection, the all too familiar odor making my stomach drop, and when I turn to look at our neighbors, Brian is sitting there, staring at me. His two friends are looking at us too, and although I’ve only met them once or twice and don’t remember their names, they know exactly who I am.

  “Speak of the devil,” I whisper, and smile, refusing to let him know I’m dumbfounded. Brian couldn’t have looked more stupefied himself and seeing the nervous twitch in his left eyelid makes me feel better. It’s crystal clear that Syd’s not just a friend and seeing me with a woman is the last thing he would have expected. I curse myself for coming here now, as I should have guessed he was still a regular. Not one for embracing change, Brian likes to stick to what he knows. But it is what it is and there’s no point pretending we’re strangers as that would be awkward after seventeen years together. “Hi, Brian.” I say politely and make no effort to move away from Syd. It pleases me that he’s put on some weight and he looks tired, too.

  “Hi, Valerie.” My name rolls off his tongue clumsily, as if he’s almost forgotten it already. “You remember Serge and Nathan?” The reference to his friends seems terribly irrelevant in this situation, but then again, anything we say will sound strange right now. He pulls at his collar and loosens his tie.

  “Of course.” I give them a wave. “This is Syd.”

  Syd gives them a charming smile, not in the least taken aback by the presence of my ex-husband. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too, Syd.” Brian narrows his eyes as he looks from Syd to me and back. “I don’t recall ever hearing about you. Are you a new friend of Val’s?” I can tell he’s dreading the answer and the corners of my mouth tug up as I shake my head. After the initial shock of seeing him again, I’m feeling confident to show him I’ve moved on, and our unexpected reunion isn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be when I pictured it.

  “Actually, Syd’s my girlfriend,” I say.

  “Yeah, I’m the lucky lady.” Syd gives him an innocent look as if she has no idea who he is, then places a soft kiss on my temple. Brian’s friends, whose names I’ve already forgotten again, snicker for a moment, then compose themselves, and I note that Brian’s face is turning a dark shade of red.

  “Right…” Brian clears his throat and looks to the others for help, either at a loss for words or because he’s really lost his social skills. “So, you’re dating?” he finally asks.

  “Uh-huh.” I try my best to sound casual. “That’s usually what the word ‘girlfriend’ means. Are you still seeing…?” I pretend that I don’t remember his assistant’s name, even though I used to look her up on social media daily when I first suspected something was going on between them. “Gladys, was it?”

  “Marni,” he corrects me and shakes his head. “No, she moved to New York a couple of months ago.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” I’m pretty sure he knows I couldn’t care less, but it doesn’t matter. We’re just exchanging formalities and although I’d rather not have Brian here, I won’t let him ruin my night.

  “It’s okay.” Brian doesn’t look like he’s heartbroken over Marni, but he’s definitely thrown off his game at seeing me. He fiddles with his gold watch, staring down at the dial as if hoping for it to reveal what to say next. “Well, we were just saying we’d rather sit inside. It’s a little warm out here, so you ladies have a good night,” he blurts out, ignoring his friends’ confused looks. He then stands up and waits for the other two to follow. “It was nice to see you again, Val. You look well.”

  “Likewise,” I lie, and give the group of men a cheerful wave before I turn back to Syd. “Sorry. I didn’t expect him to be here… hope it didn’t ruin our night.”

  “Not at all. So that was Brian?” Syd tilts her head and shoots me an amused smile. “I’m glad to see you’re over him so that I can have you all to myself.”

  “Oh, you can tell I’m over him, can you?” I quirk an eyebrow. “Actually, ‘over him’ is an understatement,” I say with a chuckle, and kiss her on the lips. Syd’s right; I’m so over Brian, and he must have noticed too. Maybe I was never into him that much in the first place, but one thing I know for sure: I’m very, very much into Syd. The rush I feel when I as much look at her doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever felt and telling someone else she’s mine feels wonderful. “And…” I continue, “In case you didn’t notice, I’ve just introduced you as my girlfriend for the first time.”

  “I did notice.” Syd bites her lip and grins. “Are you okay with that?”

  “Yeah, more than okay.” I can’t seem to stop myself from smiling and neither can Syd. What started as a fantasy is slowly becoming reality and I’m ready to live in the real world, with her.

  29

  “Are you sure about this?” Syd tilts her head and studies me with an amused smile. “Your co-workers are going to notice.”

  I laugh, knowing they will and that I’ll most likely be the subject of an enormous amount of gossip over the coming months. My wrist is usually covered by my blazer, yet I tend to roll up the sleeves when it gets heated in meetings. It’s just something that I do subconsciously, and I’d never be able to avoid it. “I’m sure. Just do it.” I’m thinking this is madness, yet it feels so right.

  Syd unpacks her tools and lays them out on the dining table in my apartment. She’s been here three weeks now and those three weeks have been bliss. She writes on my balcony, or on the beach while I’m at work, and we spend the evenings together; in bed, in town or simply walking along the beach and talking. My co-workers have noticed changes in me, as I’m unusually cheerful at work and often zone out, daydreaming during meetings. Although I’ve already booked my next flight to see her, I feel sad that’s she’s leaving tomorrow. She changed her flight to stay longer, but now she has to get back to her studio as her clients’ patience is starting to run out.

  Having her here has made me re-evaluate my life and I’ve even been thinking of resigning and starting my own consultancy business, which is something I can do from anywhere. If someone would have told me this six months ago, I’d have laughed in their face, but now, anything to be closer to her seems like a great idea. Syd is open to spending more time here, but I like Quebec, and although Ellen hates me for it, I know I will probably leave LA sometime in the not too distant future.

  The tattoo kit I asked her to bring looks daunting, and I shiver as I look at the needles. I hate needles with a passion, but I’ve taken some painkillers and ha
ve poured myself a glass of scotch, although Syd says I’m not allowed to touch my drink until we’re done. Unsure of how I’ll react once the needle hits my skin, I say: “Maybe you should tie me up for this one.”

  Syd shakes her head and kisses me sweetly. “I’m not going to tie you up and I’m not going to let you drink. This is a big decision and you need to be sober and one hundred percent sure. So I’m going to ask you again: Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I say. “I feel like I’m at a turning point in my life, and I want to remember it.” I smile, realizing how content I am right now. Missing pieces have fallen into place, and I’m calmer than ever before because I know who I am. I’m Valerie. I’m not my job, but I like what I do. At work, I like to be in charge, and in the bedroom, I like to submit. I’m a lesbian, in a relationship with the most wonderful and gorgeous woman on this planet. I like to read erotica, go for long walks, and lately, I even like to cook. Sometimes I find myself experimenting in the kitchen for hours, which is something I never thought I’d enjoy. I love sex, art, music and all the things that suddenly make sense when you fall in love with someone. My heart swells when I look at Syd because she’s everything to me and I know she deeply cares about me too. It sounds alien coming from me, but now seems like the right time to say the words out loud because I know they’re true. “I love you.” My voice trembles, and although I’m terrified of her reaction, I need her to know this.

  Syd looks at me with so much affection that a lump settles in my throat and several moments pass in silence as she continues to stare at me, processing my words. Then her face lights up as her lips slowly pull into a smile. “I love you too, Val.” She stops what she’s doing, pulls me onto her lap and wraps her arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck. “I really do.”

  I put an arm around her neck in return and close my eyes at the warm fuzzy feeling that settles in my core. I can hardly believe how lucky I am to have met her by chance, if there even is such a thing as chance. She knows I really want this to work; I’ve told her many times over the past few days, but I didn’t realize that what I felt for her was love, until now. It’s liberating to say it, and to hear her say it back makes me feel whole and connected. Shifting my legs over to one side, I try to wipe the sheepish grin off my face, then offer her my wrist. “Do you want me to move?”

  “No, you can stay here.” Syd takes my wrist and strokes the spot on the inside where I told her I wanted the tattoo. There’s no need for her to ask me if I trust her to do this because trust is one thing we’re not short of. While she’s been here I’ve explored my sexual boundaries, surrendered to her daring games in the bedroom, and after each time—when I’m weak and nearly broken—we make love in each other’s arms, growing closer each time. “So, I can ink you with anything I want, huh?”

  “Anything.”

  When she switches on the tattoo gun I look away and clench my jaw. “You’re quite the wuss for someone who likes to be spanked,” she jokes as I breathe in through my teeth and groan in agony. It hurts, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be and she’s fast, switching off the machine after only ten minutes. “Done.” she says, cleaning my wrist with disinfectant before coating it in a thick layer of Vaseline.

  “Can I look?”

  “Yes, you can look now.” Syd’s voice has a rare tremor to it, and I know she’s nervous.

  When I turn back to look at my wrist, my eyes well up at what I see. In black ink, and in a delicate italic font, she’s written: ‘Syd’s girl’.

  Afterword

  I hope you’ve loved reading Online as much as I’ve loved writing it. If you’ve enjoyed this book, would you consider rating it and reviewing it on www.amazon.com? Reviews are very important to authors and I’d be really grateful.

  Also by Madeleine Taylor

  The Good Girl