In a Heartbeat (Lifetime Book 2)

by Ariadne Wayne

  I blinked tears away, shifting my focus to the ceiling. Jacinda was such a clean freak, and these tattered tiles had seen better days. If she looked where I was, she’d see a long dark, streaky stain and …

  “Vanessa, I never got the chance to tell you this, but I went through what you did. Before any of the children came, I lost one.”

  Her gentle tone gave me the courage to meet her eyes. “It still hurts,” I whispered.

  “It always will. A little bit at least. You move on, but you don’t forget.” She sighed. “We’d been married such a short time, and all I wanted was to be left alone to be miserable. Thankfully, Nathan had to take a business trip. He tried to stay, but I told him he had to go. It was only for a week, but I got that time to myself.”

  I nodded. “That’s what I needed. Connor needed to coddle me. Things just exploded.”

  A moment of understanding passed between us. I never thought I’d find anyone else who had felt the way I did, to understand the depth of my pain. Ella was my closest confidante, and while she had struggled to conceive Finn, she’d never lost a child.

  “Connor’s a lot like his father. And he loves you so much.”

  I smacked my lips together, trying to form words. “Used to love me.”

  She shook her head. “No, sweetheart. He still does. He came home to me broken after everything you two went through, and he still worried about you. There was never any pity for himself. All he cared about was you getting through it all okay. He was pretty angry today at you sitting down the back. I think there’s a whole lot of love still there.”

  “You know you’re making me cry.” I sniffed. The warm look in Connor’s mother’s eyes only made things worse.

  “I still love Connor.” I dropped my gaze. “I don’t know if he’d want me anymore, though.”

  Francene squeezed my hand. “That boy of mine would walk over hot coals to get you back. I know that much. I don’t think he would have brought anyone with him if he’d known you were coming.”

  I laughed. “I did RSVP. Jacinda called me.”

  She nodded, looking toward her daughter dancing with the groom. “Jacinda didn’t tell any of us you’d accepted.”

  “Maybe she thought I’d sneak in and out without you all seeing me.” I smiled.

  Fixing her gaze back on me, Francene gave me that caring, motherly smile again. “Never. I’m so glad you’re here, Vanessa. We’ve all missed you. How are your mum and dad doing?”

  Now there was a topic that could make me smile. “They’re doing really well. My sister’s having another baby. I think they’ll need a bigger farm soon.”

  “Oh, that’s lovely. How have things been for you?”

  I shrugged. “I work, I go home. I’ve done some dumb things, but I know what I want.”

  “What’s that?” She smiled as if she already knew the answer.

  “Connor.”

  I DIDN’T KNOW where Connor had vanished to, and I sighed as I made my way out the door toward my car. My earlier drinks had long since passed from my system, and all I wanted was to get back to my motel room and sleep.

  “Vanessa,” Bryce called, just as I reached the car door.

  “Hey, Bryce.”

  “Going already?”

  I smiled. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to get some sleep before driving back tomorrow.”

  He licked his lips. “We’re going back to Mum and Dad’s place. Do you want to come?”

  “We?”

  “Connor and What’s-Her-Name, me, Mum and Dad. Kieran might come over too.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

  “What happened sucked, but you two should sort your shit out.”

  Bending my neck, I rubbed my forehead with my fingers. “I don’t know if today is a good day to do that.”

  Bryce grinned. “Go back to your motel and get your precious beauty sleep. Looks like you need it.”

  I laughed as he walked away. Nothing ever changed. Becoming part of their family had just been so natural; I’d fitted right in, and Bryce, Kieran and Jacinda had been like siblings to me. At least no matter what happened, they still cared enough about me to make an effort.

  Turning back to the car, I pressed my key fob to switch off the alarm.

  “Vanessa.”

  I turned my head. “What is it now?” I expected Bryce again. It was Connor.

  “I told you I’d come and find you.” He had that smile on his face, that gentle one that made my insides turn in on themselves.

  “I … I’ll catch up with you when we’re back in Auckland.” What were these nerves about? Even when we were first dating, I hadn’t been this on edge. Matt used to tease me about Connor following me around like a lost puppy, and that I was the confident one. Now, the roles seemed to be reversed and I was a wreck.

  “We need to talk. I have so many things I have to say to you.”

  I swallowed hard, nodding.

  “Where are you staying?”

  “I’m going home in the morning.”

  “I’ll come and see you when I get the family stuff over and done with. I’ve got to drop Danielle off at her motel, and then I’ll come and visit.”

  Her name sent shivers through me, like a nasty reminder of some parasitic disease that I had been unable to shake.

  “I’m staying at the Bay Avenue Motel.”

  He laughed. “That’s where Danielle’s staying. What room number?”

  “Forty-seven. Is this really such a good idea?”

  Connor leaned over. He smelled of spicy aftershave, the same one that he’d brought home to try out at some point and I’d dry-humped him against the wall it smelled so good.

  “I stayed away because you needed space. Because if I’d kept coming back, that would’ve been stalking. Then I tried to start my life again, but everything always comes back to you.”

  His words made me want to dry-hump him again then and there. Stay classy, Vanessa.

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  He turned and walked away, and I let out a loud breath.

  This could be one long night.

  Chapter 20

  Maybe I’d get a happy ending after all.

  I paced for a while, but after realising it could take some time for Connor to deal with whatever family obligations he might have, I curled up on the couch and flicked on the television.

  What if he didn’t come?

  That thought ran through my head too. He didn’t know what had happened while we were apart. How would he handle it? It was hard enough for me thinking of him with anyone else.

  As time ticked by, I cried a couple of times before my heavy eyes got the better of me. He’s not here.

  I ROUSED myself when there was a tap on the door. Connor.

  Racing to the door, I pulled it open, scarcely believing he was on the other side. His face lit up at the sight of me, and before I knew it, I was in his arms, his lips on mine. Nothing had ever been sweeter.

  “I got out of there as quickly as I could. I’m sorry I’m so late,” he whispered, rocking side to side as we stepped backwards into the room. With a shove, he kicked the door closed behind him.

  “I didn’t know if you were going to come.”

  He pressed his forehead to mine. “What I need, what I’ve always needed, is to be with you. All it took for me to realise that was to see you again.”

  “We need to talk about everything that happened while we were apart.”

  “That can wait.”

  He laughed as he pulled my shirt over my head, bending to kiss my breasts as he unlatched my bra. Following suit, he stripped off his shirt, pushing down his pants as I backed toward the bed.

  As I pulled at the quilt and pushed my skirt and panties down, he retrieved a condom from his wallet.

  “Come here.” He dived at the bed, beckoning me to climb on top of him.

  “Connor, I’m sorry.” I sat astride him, and he reached out, slipping his hand betw
een my legs. There were so many words to be said, so many questions, but my need for him outweighed anything else on the planet right now.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” he said, ignoring my words. I gasped as he brought me to my climax. After all this time apart, it took no time at all. I’d longed for him so much.

  “Show me how much you’ve missed me,” he whispered, and I slid down onto him and began to rock my hips.

  “Connor … we need to talk.”

  “Vanessa, for once in your life, shut the hell up and kiss me.”

  I leaned back, raising my eyebrows at the man who had never spoken to me like that before. All he did was grin, running his eyes across my face. “Being with you is more important than anything else. It doesn’t matter what happened when we weren’t together. What matters is what we do when we are.”

  I was torn between crying and my own desires. Having him inside me again was better than any other feeling in the world. Connor was what I needed, he was all I needed, and if I had my way we’d never be apart again.

  This time, his kisses were different. The sex had always been good, but it was like Connor had found a new spark, and I had too. The intensity between us was off the charts and every movement, every thrust had so much meaning behind it. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

  With our gazes locked, Connor groaned loudly as he came, pulling me down hard on him.

  When he let go, I rolled to his side, tears dripping onto the sheet. Connor wrapped his arms around me, holding tight before raising one hand, wiping the drops from my cheeks. “Don’t cry. We’re together. That’s everything.”

  “I did something …”

  He gave me a half-hearted smile. “I did something too. And regretted it. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. I’m just hoping like hell you feel the same way.”

  “I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

  Connor planted a kiss on my nose and laughed. “That’s my beautiful, cynical girl. Believe it or not, I’ve missed your acidity. I can’t deal with sweet anymore.”

  I closed my eyes and snuggled in tight against him. “I thought I’d give sweet a go for a while. Too much acid just eats everything.”

  “I think you’ve always been a nice mix. You just have to let me in from time to time.”

  “You have to learn when to back off.”

  He smiled. “We’ll adjust and move forward together.”

  “You sound so geeky when you say that.”

  “That’s why you love me.”

  We’d had our brief reunion; all I wanted now was sleep and for us to spend more time together.

  Connor reached beside the bed and flicked off the light, dimming the motel room.

  “Not up for seconds then?” I teased.

  “All I want is to curl up with you and sleep. It’s been a long day. Besides, I’m not letting go of you again, so there’s plenty of time for seconds. Maybe even thirds.”

  I laughed and snuggled up against him. It was like the other half of my heart was back—the more practical, less cynical part. How I ever thought I’d survive without this man, I’d never know. He was like an addiction I couldn’t quit. Now we were back together, I couldn’t get enough.

  In the night, the lamp had been turned on at some point, and I rolled over and found him, one elbow propped on the pillow, just watching.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Couldn’t sleep.” He looked down at the sheet. “I really thought that was it, that things were over between us. I should have given you the space you needed, Vanessa. It’s all on me.”

  I shook my head. “You were in pain too, and trying to do what you thought was right. I was wrong to push you away.”

  Connor smiled. “I think we both could have handled things better.” He leaned over, running his eyes across my face. “The only thing that matters to me is that I have you back.”

  “What about Danielle?”

  He shrugged. “I invited her as a friend. Nothing else.”

  “She didn’t seem to want to act like friends.”

  Connor ran a finger down my cheek. “That’s all it is, I swear. There’s nothing standing in our way.”

  “You’re the only one I want. I know that more than ever,” I whispered.

  “You were all I ever wanted.”

  I closed my eyes as the tears rolled down my cheeks, opening them again to see him still scrutinising my expression. “What do you see in me? I’m so awful at times.”

  Connor’s eyes lit up. “I always know where I stand with you. That’s what made those weeks after the miscarriage so hard. You hid that part of you away from me when I was so used to you being an open book. You’re straight up, Vanessa. You call a spade a spade, and you don’t tolerate bullshit.”

  Rolling onto my side, I buried my face in his chest, breathing in that spicy cologne I adored. Nothing would separate me from him again, not if I could help it. I’d learned my lesson the hard way and I never wanted to be without him. Ever.

  Connor was my past and my future, and should have been my everything in between. What had happened to us hadn’t been fair, none of it, but there was no way to erase it. All we could do was move forward. Together.

  “I didn’t know if you would want me again. Not after what I’d done,” I whispered.

  “There’s nothing you could do that would stop me wanting you.”

  He had all the right words, but some nagging part of me wondered if he would stick with that once he found out. Even if he had been with someone else too.

  “Connor, I …”

  “You really want to tell me.” He swallowed hard. “If it’s that important to you …”

  “I don’t want you finding out any other way.”

  Moments passed in silence, my stomach crawling as if something was alive in there, nerves setting in. I didn’t think my heart would be whole again, but a little time with Connor had filled it to the brim. I’d pushed him away when he was all I’d needed, and now I had a second chance to love and be loved. Would telling him the truth screw all that up?

  “Tell me,” he whispered.

  I took a deep breath. “I met someone. Got involved way too fast. My heart was so empty. I was so empty.” Planting a kiss on his chest, I closed my eyes. “I slept with him once. Only to find out he’s married with a child.”

  Connor didn’t speak, but he did pull me in tighter, stroking me lightly on the back as if he was unsure about comforting me. I guess if I’d been him, I’d be processing the words and trying to make sense, trying to work out how to act.

  When he stopped stroking my back and instead rested his hands there firmly, I didn’t have to ask. I knew him so well; this was him reassuring me that everything was okay. He still loved me.

  “Connor?” I whispered.

  “Give me a second. I need to deal with this.” His tone was neutral. Maybe I’d read him wrong.

  Panic built in me at the thought of him leaving again, and I clung tighter, resisting the urge to cry. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be honest with you. I didn’t want us to start again holding anything back.”

  He let out a long, loud sigh. “I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with the arsehole who treated you like that. Who the hell is he? Damn it, Vanessa. I’m not exactly innocent either.”

  Relief flooded through me at hearing he wasn’t pissed at me. I couldn’t lose him again, not like this, not because I’d made an error of judgement and trusted someone who wasn’t trustworthy.

  “What did you do?” I didn’t know if I was ready to hear this, but I needed to.

  “I slept with someone too. Once, like you. And then I backed away because she wasn’t you.” He let go of me. “I wanted so much to get back in touch, see if we could rekindle things, but if you were moving on, I didn’t want to make you go through all those bad memories again.”

  “There are so many more good memories than bad.”

  “But it’s the bad that come up time and time again. I realised I
had to follow that old saying. What is it? If you love someone …”

  I grinned. “If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, hunt them down and kill them?”

  Connor laughed. “You’re so morbid.”

  “Always.”

  “I’ve missed that. I’ve missed you.” He let out a sigh. “I sent you a text that night. That one saying I hoped you were okay. I was so unsure of what I was doing, and I just thought if you replied, maybe there was some hope for us.”

  That was a punch in the gut. At a bar with another man, I’d ignored his attempt at reaching out rather than cope with it. It had seemed like pressure at the time, but it was Connor reaching out to me in the gentlest way he knew how.

  “I didn’t know how to reply. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you more.”

  He shook his head, cupping my cheek with his palm. “We’re both idiots. You do know that, don’t you?”

  Turning my head, I nuzzled his palm and chuckled. “I think we are.”

  “None of it matters. As long as I get to start again with you, I’ll be happy the rest of my life.”

  My chocolate-chip muffin was back; the sweetness of his lips against mine was almost unbearable. I couldn’t leave him alone, wanting to catch up for the months we’d been apart, wanting to erase all the bad stuff in between.

  “We should get some sleep,” he whispered.

  I nodded, yawning. “Good idea. Gotta drive home tomorrow.”

  Connor linked his fingers in my own, and I snuggled in against his chest. We lay in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company. So familiar, and what we both needed.

  “Connor?”

  “Yes?”

  “The sex wasn’t that great anyway. He only really cared about himself.”

  Connor shook his head, running his eyes across my face. “Do you really think I want to hear about the sex?”

  I smiled as we snuggled down again and he turned the light back off.

  “His penis was so much smaller than yours,” I whispered, grinning smugly to myself.