First Down

by Paula Mabbel

  Mary Kay could tell that her voice was trembling, and she hoped her sister didn’t catch on. She did. Meredith looked up at her sister with a touch of triumph in her eyes.

  “Are you sure he even wants kids, Mary? Or is this something that you pushed on him as well. You live life in your own little world, thinking that everyone and everything just believes what you do and wants what you want. Maybe this is something you should talk about.”

  Mary Kay’s eyes filled with tears. She tried not to show her sister, but she knew Meredith felt triumphant in what she was doing.

  “Oh,” Meredith said, with a touch of forced surprise in her voice, “did you need to go?”

  Mary Kay didn’t say anything. She just got up and hurried out the door, slamming it behind her.

  *****

  Mary Kay didn’t stop at her house. She was going to see Connor, and she didn’t want to stop until she talked to him. She didn’t know if he was home, or what he was doing, but she knew she could find him if she looked hard enough, and his house was the best place to start.

  She found Connor in his barn, stacking hay against the wall. She called for him when she first walked in, but she couldn’t find him, even though he answered her.

  “Where are you?!” she fairly shouted, partly out of frustration, and partly because she was crying.

  “My dear! What’s wrong?” Connor jumped from the top of the hay stack on which he was standing and hurried over to his bride-to-be. He put his arms around her and again asked her what she was upset about.

  “Oh, it’s nothing, just my sister being her normal difficult self.” She wiped her eyes off with the back of her hand and looked Connor in the eye.

  “Well, you know that is nothing to get all worked up about. She is always difficult, and it is likely she is always going to be difficult. Is that why you came all the way out here to find me?”

  There was relief in his voice, and he was almost teasing her.

  “No, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “I’m all ears. Tell me what’s on your mind.” There was something about the way he spoke that just put her at ease. His whole manner made her feel like everything was going to be okay, and part of her wanted to forget the whole thing.

  “I don’t suppose it’s a big deal, but I just wondered if you want kids. But of course you do. Why wouldn’t you? I mean, we have talked about kids before. I have said how many I wanted and you did say you thought I would make a great mother.”

  Mary Kay was speaking so quickly that Connor didn’t have time to get a word in. He had been holding her in his arms, but he loosened his grip the more she spoke, and by the time she finished, he had let go of her altogether and stood with his back to her, looking out of the large barn doors.

  She tried to slow down, to keep her voice steady, but the more she said, the more upset she got. She started crying once more and felt like a fool.

  Connor said nothing. He just kept his back to her and gazed out the doors. Mary Kay felt uneasy, as though she didn’t know him at all. In the few seconds of silence, she tried to wrack her brain for answers.

  Was it possible she had imagined it? She was certain she had brought it up several times before, so it seemed shocking to her this was all coming to light right now.

  “Connor?” she prompted.

  “Mary Kay…I want kids…” he started.

  Her face lit up, and she interrupted him, clapping her hands together with joy.

  “See? I knew it had to be so! There’s no way it couldn’t have been so! We were meant to be together, and we were meant to have the greatest family that ever was!”

  “Mary Kay, you didn’t let me finish,” Connor interjected, and Mary Kay’s face changed.

  “I want kids, and I do think you would be a great mother, but…you see…I…I can’t. I can’t have any.” Connor fought his way through his confession, never once making eye contact with Mary Kay.

  “You what?” she asked in disbelief, not sure if she had even heard him correctly.

  “I said I can’t have any. I’m barren, Mary Kay, so no matter how badly I want kids or how great of a mother I know you would be, I can’t have kids.” His eyes filled with tears, and he turned away from her in frustration.

  Mary Kay had tears running down her own face. She didn’t know whether to hug him or to turn and run away. She felt angry, used, and betrayed.

  “I would still love it if you would be my wife. You are the woman of my dreams, and I would love the opportunity to make you happy. I could make you happy, Mary Kay. I know I could. I—”

  “I have to go,” Mary Kay interrupted.

  She didn’t care what he had to say. She wasn’t going to stand here and talk it out now.

  He tried to catch her in his arms as she walked by, but she pulled away.

  “Good day, Mr. Riley.” She ignored his protests and headed toward the door.

  “Mary Kay! Wait! Just let me—” Connor was crying and fighting to get the words out.

  “I said ‘good day’!” she shouted back, and with that, she was gone.

  *****

  Mary Kay thrashed her way through the brush. She was walking along the creek heading back to town, but she wanted to stay off of the main road in case Connor tried to come find her.

  She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want to see him. She couldn’t believe he had done that to her, and talking about it was the last thing she wanted to do.

  How could he live with himself? He knew how badly she wanted kids. He knew she lived for the day when she could have a child of her own. He had even told her he thought she would be a good mother!

  So how could he now come out and tell her he couldn’t have children? She would have supposed that would be one of the first things she would have mentioned to him if the situation had been reversed.

  He just seemed so smug! The joke’s on me, I guess. Ha. Ha. Ha. Won’t Meredith be proud? Not only was she able to pick a husband from the flock of young men who surrounded her, but she also has two children to show for it!

  I am humiliated. What am I going to tell everyone? I can’t get married because he left out some major detail in the beginning?

  She stopped and put her hands on her waist, looking down at the rushing water.

  What was she thinking? Calling off the wedding? Had it really come to that? Well, in a way it had. She couldn’t have children with Connor, so she wouldn’t be happy with him. She wanted kids more than she wanted anything in life, and he couldn’t give that to her, so she was better off finding someone who could.

  But the news is going to crush him. He is very kind to me, and he did build up this house for me. I think most of what he did out there was just to make me happy.

  Oh! What am I to do?

  Mary Kay slumped down to the grass and buried her face in her hands. She cried for a long time, letting it all out. This had all come at once, but somehow she had known it was coming for a while. There was just something off about the way he acted when she talked about children.

  I should have asked sooner. I always just assumed it was what he also had in mind, but I guess I never really got that far with him.

  Mary Kay leaned back on the grass and looked up at the blue sky that shone down to her through the orange and yellow fall leaves.

  I don’t have to make this decision right now. I can’t go back there and tell him I can’t marry him right after that conversation. I’ll give it a few days, and when I see him again I’ll tell him I don’t think it’s going to work out.

  It’s not like this is all my fault. He knew from the beginning he couldn’t have children, and he knew I wanted them. If he didn’t want this to happen, he should have told me before we made all of these plans together!

  With a heavy heart, Mary Kay stood up to go home. She was filled with resolve to end it with Connor. She didn’t see any other way it could work out between them, and she thought it was only going to be worse if she let it all f
all apart later on down the road.

  She was going to take the next few days and let this all simmer down, and when she saw Connor again, she would tell him her decision. It was going to hurt for a while, and she didn’t know how she was going to make it through, but she was determined.

  Life would just have to go back to normal, as it always had.

  Over a week had gone by since Mary Kay had seen Connor. She knew he wanted to talk to her. He had sent her flowers with notes more than once asking her to come visit him or to allow him to take her to dinner, but she had ignored all of them.

  She was dreading the conversation she had to have with him, and while she wanted to have it over and done with, she also wanted to put it off.

  If I haven’t told him yet, it’s almost like this isn’t happening. Like it was before I knew. It’s almost like we’re happy again.

  She thought denial would be a safe place for her to stay, but part of her also knew this wasn’t healthy, and if she was going to break if off with Connor she had to do it soon.

  Finally, after a long deliberation in her heart, she put on her best dress and headed out the door. She didn’t know what she was going to say, or how she was going to say it, but she knew she had to say something. She had to get it all out in the open and let him know how she felt.

  From the moment Mary Kay stepped out of her house, she knew what she was about to do was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done, but she also knew there was no way out of it now.

  What was done was done, and they had to move on. If she ever wanted to feel whole again, she knew she had to break it off now.

  Mary Kay didn’t find Connor in his usual place. She looked all over his property, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. She walked back into town and looked in the few places she thought he would be, but again, she didn’t find him.

  Finally, Mary Kay decided the best thing to do would be to sit and wait for him to get back from wherever he was, so she walked back to the old farmhouse and sat down on the steps to the porch.

  She sat there for what felt like hours, though it couldn’t have been more than one, and looked around the farm yard. She saw the henhouse they had built together and the garden that was just waiting to be planted. She looked at the house they had fixed up and at the porch she was sitting on.

  She could see the bench swing he had built especially for her, and she felt bad.

  I guess he’ll get used to sitting there without me, she thought.

  Then, she suddenly sat up, her heart thudding in her chest, feeling tight within her.

  Unless he finds someone else!

  The thought horrified her. She looked around the place once more. She thought of another woman there, feeding the chickens they had planned to get together. She thought of another woman planting the garden they were going to plant.

  She thought of another woman in the swing he had built for her.

  With jealousy filling her, she turned and looked behind her into the house, imagining another woman in her kitchen. Cooking for Connor.

  I guess it wouldn’t be your kitchen anymore. It would be her kitchen!

  Mary Kay’s heart raced.

  She didn’t understand it. She thought she wanted children more than anything, but the thought of another woman in her place with her Connor made her feel angrier than she ever thought she could feel.

  It was at that moment she decided she didn’t want to call it off. Children or no children, she wanted Connor, and that was the end of that.

  Her mind snapped back to reality when she heard the gate unlatch. She looked off the porch to see Connor. He looked up at her uncertainly, and she smiled.

  *****

  They stood in silence for a moment, then they both started talking at the same time.

  “Mary Kay, I should have told you sooner,” Connor was saying.

  “Connor, I have something to tell you,” Mary Kay said at the exact same time.

  They both chuckled, then insisted that the other go first.

  Finally, Mary Kay held up her hand.

  “Connor, I have something to tell you. I am sorry for how I acted. It’s true, I want children, and I wish that I could have one someday, but the greater truth is that I want you, Connor. I want you to be my husband, and I want to be together always, children or no children.

  You are the man I fell in love with, and you are the man I want to marry…if you will still have me, that is.”

  Connor looked at her in surprise, and Mary Kay could see that twinkle slowly come back into his eyes. He had a slight smile as he walked to the bottom of the three steps, and Mary Kay stepped down to the second step so she could look him directly in the eye.

  He put both of his hands on her arms and looked deeply into her eyes.

  “You have no idea how long I have waited to hear you say that. I know I should have told you earlier, but I didn’t want to lose you. I know how badly you want a child, and I desperately wanted to be able to give that to you. I guess I never found the right time to say anything, and I am sorry.”

  Mary Kay’s eyes filled with tears, and she leaned in to kiss him.

  As their lips met, she felt complete. It felt as though that void that was inside of her was filled for the first time, and she didn’t think she would ever need anything else.

  This was love, and this was all she ever needed.

  The church room was filled to overflowing with people. Mary Kay had meant to only invite a few people, but she didn’t want anyone to feel left out, and by the time all of the invitations were sent, she had invited nearly the entire town.

  It looked like the rest of the town had shown up anyway, and they all had their eyes fixed on her and Connor at the front of the room.

  Mary Kay felt nervous. She had always dreamed of being a mother, but never of her wedding day. Now that she was standing here, marrying this man, she felt vulnerable and exposed. Yet, for the first time in her life, she didn’t compare herself to her sister in the same situation.

  The preacher guided them through their vows, and they kissed tenderly in front of the crowd.

  Mary Kay was no longer a Robinson. She was now Mary Kay Riley, and she loved it. Now she didn’t feel like she needed a child to be complete. She felt complete with Connor. She felt like she belonged, and she felt happy.

  On the way home, Connor suddenly turned the buggy to the side of the general store.

  “Connor? What are we doing?” Mary Kay asked in confusion.

  “Come on, you’ll see!” Connor laughed as he helped her down out of the buggy and they stood on the porch of the general store.

  The stage coach was just rumbling into town, and the driver pulled the reins of the horses hard to keep them from running right on through.

  The door opened, and a man with a young boy appeared. Mary Kay still stood in confusion, but a broad smile broke across the young boy’s face when he saw Connor. He jumped off the stage onto the ground and raced up the steps.

  “Papa! Papa! I’m here at last!” he shouted as he bounded up to them. Then he stopped and looked at Mary Kay.

  “Gee whiz! Is this my mama? Golly, your purdy!” he exclaimed.

  “Connor! What on Earth is going on?” Mary Kay demanded.

  “Well, it’s like this. After we had that discussion, I was so scared I was going to lose you, I knew I just had to get you a child. If I couldn’t give you one myself, I was going to find another way.

  “There is an orphanage in Saint Paul, and this little fellow here—Jackson’s his name—happened to be looking for a mother. I thought you two ought to meet.” Connor laughed as he told the story, and Mary Kay’s eyes filled with tears.

  She got down on her knees and looked little Jackson in the eye.

  “Yes, I am your mother, and I am so very glad that I am,” she whispered.

  The boy threw his arms around her neck and she picked him up.

  Connor laughed again and put his hand on Mary Kay’s back.

  “Co
me on now,” he said. “We’re a family. Let’s all go home and get some dinner!”

  *****

  THE END

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  Two Dukes One Scandal

  Louisa ran her hand down the soft, green velvet of her dress. It was pulled in at the waist by the tight boned corset in a slightly brighter green than the rest of the dress, so that it stuck out and attracted the eye to her tiny waist and delicately curved hips. She looked more like a woman every day and less like the child she had grown to recognize in the mirror, and that scared her. She felt as though her childhood was being stolen from her before she’d had any real time to enjoy it, and the idea of becoming a woman wasn’t as appealing as it should have been for a girl in her position.

  Louisa’s father had been a well-respected general in the army. He had countless medals for acts of bravery, and his name was often something that was looked up to when it came to new arrivals trying to make an impression. He’d retired from the army some years ago, but that wasn’t the end of his services to the country. He still regularly opened his home to those officers who were passing through, and he was always willing to give advice should anybody ask him.

  Louisa had a lot of respect for her father. She knew that he was a great man, and she knew that his heart was brave, but that didn’t help the little girl who she had once been, when she had been missing her father. She knew, though, that it wasn’t his fault. She knew that he’d served his country so that she would remain protected. She tried to remember that whenever bitter thoughts passed her mind in the idle way that they sometimes did.