Because of You

by E. L. Todd

  It was odd seeing Silke’s parents there. Secretly, I hoped Silke would appear beside them. I missed her so much. Being apart from her just made me realize how much of an idiot I’d been through our entire relationship. I had something beautiful and perfect and I threw it away. Just when we got close, I pushed her away. She was the only good thing that ever happened to me, the light of my life, and I took it for granted.

  Being in prison opened my eyes in a way it never had before. I remembered the nights I slept with Silke. She’d be in my arms until morning. She never turned around and disappeared. And she put up with my bullshit every day when I didn’t deserve her patience.

  And she loved me.

  How did I let this happen? I should have stopped selling weed when she told me to. I should have gotten my shit together instead of bitching and moaning the entire time. I should have been a real man for her. If I wanted a future with her, I should have secured it. Instead, I wasted precious time. I’d be my biggest regret for as long as I lived.

  Ryan was always there for me. Every week since I’d been behind bars, he’s come. We talked about sports, food, and of course, Silke. She got a job working at a museum. I was happy for her. I knew it’s what she wanted. When her father said she wasn’t seeing anyone I was relieved. I knew it would happen eventually, but that didn’t make it less painful. I told her to forget about me and move on. She finally lost faith in me and realized we could never be together. It’s what I wanted at the time, but now I wasn’t so sure.

  If I got out of here, what if I got my shit together? What if I finished high school, reconnected with my daughter, got a good job and started over? What if I changed for her? What if I became someone worthy of her? Would she take me back? Was that possible?

  All these thoughts took place in a heartbeat. “Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.”

  “Of course, Arsen.” Janice rubbed my back in a motherly way.

  Ryan kept his hand on my free shoulder.

  For the first time, it felt like I had two parents. I had people who loved me for no reason at all, just because. They hadn’t abandoned me even though I wasn’t good enough for their daughter. Sometimes I wondered if God sent Silke to me on purpose.

  A few other people came into the row. I recognize the man in the suit. He had dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. I met him at Christmas. His wife was behind him.

  He extended his hand to me. “Nice to see you again.”

  I took it awkwardly with my handcuffs. “Hi, Sean. Thanks for coming.” I wasn’t sure why he was there, but I was still grateful for his presence.

  “You remember my wife, Scarlet?” he asked.

  “Of course.” I tried to extend my hand to shake hers but she hugged me instead. Her arms wrapped around me and she gave me a spurt of warmth. I didn’t know what to do. They already welcomed me into their home for Christmas and fed me even though I was a total stranger. How much could these people give? Did they really not care that I was a loser who sold weed? I was in handcuffs, for the love of god.

  Mike and his wife joined the row. We greeted each other and then they sat down.

  I leaned toward Ryan. “Why are they here?” I whispered.

  “To support you,” he said back. “And testify.”

  “Testify?” I asked incredulously. “Why?”

  “Sean is a bit of a celebrity. He’s one of the most successful men in the country. A good word from him will help.”

  “He hardly knows me.”

  “He knows enough. I talk about you all the time.” He patted my shoulder again.

  I breathed hard, feeling the emotion escape when I didn’t want it to. Was this what it was like to have a dad?

  “We’re going to get you out of here or reduce your sentence. One or the other.”

  “I don’t know…I fucked up a lot,” I said.

  “There are worse criminals that need to be in prison. I’m sure they’re eager to get rid of you.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat, not wanting to believe it because it would kill me if it didn’t come to pass. Prison was horrific. I had to act tough and fearless all the time just to survive. There were psychopaths in there. The only reason I was left alone was because the inmates thought I murdered ten people in cold blood. “Whether anything good comes from this, I really appreciate it…”

  He rubbed the top of my head. “I know, kid.”

  ***

  The trial proceeded. I said nothing, letting my lawyer do all the talking. My good behavior was discussed and evaluated. They talked about the rest of my record, and they asked if I’d learned anything from my time in prison.

  “I hate it there. I want to get out and change my life.” That was all I said. It was the truth, and I think the judge believed my sincerity. I definitely wasn’t in the same line as axe murderers and rapists.

  When Sean testified, the judge hung onto every word he said. Somehow, Sean commanded the room even in his silence. His suit was tailored to him perfectly, and the muscles of his shoulders and chest made him formidable. He had a serious look in his eyes, like it was impossible for him to tell a lie. He told the judge I was a good person and I should be released into society. As an owner of a corporation, he would have no problem giving me employment. That was how much he believed in me.

  Ryan was right. He did seem to carry a lot of weight.

  Then Mike took the stand and said similar things. I was surprised when Janice spoke on my behalf and said so many nice things. No one had ever been so pleasant to me before. Now a room full of people I wasn’t even related to were fighting for me. Were they just doing this for Silke? Or were they doing it for me?

  The judge took a short break to make a decision. During the intermission my lawyer turned to me. “You’re lucky you know the Prestons.”

  “Yeah…”

  “You know they paid for me, right?”

  I assumed he was given to me by the state. I hadn’t realized he’d been hired. “No…”

  “Make sure you thank them,” he said. “Because I’m pretty sure you’re going to get off.”

  “But I’ve only been in prison for eight months.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” he said. “You got an impressive defense and the best people in the world to vouch for you—literally. You’re damn lucky.”

  I drank a glass of water as I processed all of this.

  “Need anything, man?” Ryan asked me.

  “I’m okay,” I said. “Thanks anyway.”

  He kept his hand on my shoulder.

  I didn’t want him to drop it.

  When the judge returned, he flipped through his papers then announced his decision. “You’re released on probation.”

  What?

  What did he say?

  I was free?

  I got to leave?

  I didn’t have to go back to prison?

  Ryan and everyone else cheered behind me.

  I was frozen on the spot, unable to process it.

  My lawyer leaned toward. “Landing back in prison would be a horrible way to repay your friends…just some friendly advice.”

  I didn’t speak.

  The bailiff approached me then unlocked my handcuffs.

  When they fell from my wrists, I felt my bruised skin. I stared at my hands, realizing I was free. I didn’t think this would happen for another year.

  “Smile, kid.” My lawyer stood up and closed his briefcase.

  I was still trying to understand everything.

  Everyone circled me and congratulated me. I nodded in response, unable to speak.

  Ryan gripped my shoulders and shook me. “Come on, you should be excited.”

  “I am…”

  “You’d do a piss of a job showing it,” he said with a laugh.

  “I…I just don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t say anything at all.”

  I looked at him then pulled him in for a hug. I hugged him tightly and felt my chest hurt. My eyes started to bubble with
tears, and I felt weak everywhere. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but it was something profound. “Thank you so much…”

  Ryan returned the embrace and held me. “You’re welcome, Arsen.”

  Unable to control it, tears fell out of my eyes. “Thank you,” I repeated. I didn’t know what else to say.

  He patted the back of my head. “I’ve always believed in you, Arsen. Remember what I said? Not everyone is born in palaces. Some of us are born in trenches. But that doesn’t mean we have to end up there.”

  I nodded in response. “You’ve been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a dad…” I sniffed then forced myself to stop crying because I felt pathetic.

  He pulled away and gave me an affectionate look. “I can be your dad. Slade doesn’t want me so I have an opening.” He gave me a teasing smile.

  I chuckled lightly then wiped my tears away.

  “And I’m pretty good,” Ryan said. “ I got a few references.”

  “I’ll take your word for it.”

  He put his arm around my shoulder. “What are you going to do now that you’re a free man?”

  “I don’t know…” I hadn’t thought about it.

  “Going to sell weed again?” he asked.

  “No,” I said immediately. “No.”

  “Good.” He patted my shoulder. “Otherwise, I’d kick your ass.”

  “I’d deserve it.”

  When Janice realized our moment was over, she came to me and hugged me tightly. “I’m glad you’re out of there. Ryan and I were so worried.”

  “Thank you so much.” I hugged her back. “You guys are such wonderful people.”

  Everyone else showered me with warmth, making me feel wanted for the first time in my life. Was this what it was like to have parents? Was this what a birthday party was like? Did kids get this treatment everyday? It was nice…

  Scarlet stood next to Ryan and gave him a special look.

  He returned her look with a slight smile.

  She nudged him in the side. “I’m proud of you.”

  “You know, I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said that.”

  “Is not.” She nudged him again playfully. “Dad would be proud of you.”

  He gave her a significant look. “Yeah…” He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “But he’d be disappointed in you. Two brats and a stupid husband…” He shook his head. “Failure.”

  She nudged him harder. “Shut up.”

  “You know I’m kidding, sis.” He laughed then dropped the embrace.

  I watched them, feeling honored that I got to be a part of this special, extraordinary, and unusual family.

  Chapter Three

  Silke

  The museum was the most awesome place on earth. And when I was the only one in it after hours, it was the coolest. I got to linger and look at all the pieces while beating the crowds. When new sections opened, I got to be the first one to look. And I even got to touch some of the ancient relics. I even held a painting that was five hundred years old in my bare hands.

  I could actually smell the passage of time.

  Learning about the different pieces was my favorite. Seeing slides of showcases wasn’t the same as being in the same room with abstract recordings of history. And when I went to the gallery on the top floor, I got to see the most celebrated paintings as long as I wanted. Starry Night by Van Gogh was always packed with ancient crowds but I got to stand there in the evening and just stare at it.

  I’d never been so inspired in my life.

  The thing I loved about the MET was the fact it contained modern pieces of art. It incorporated the new with the old, so any time you visited the museum it was never the same as the last. It was truly an honor to work there.

  Artists brought their pieces in, and only those approved got to show their word. Tilda Swinton even came in and slept in a glass box. It was an extreme form of abstract art, but it was still amazing.

  And the fact I got to be apart of it was awe-inspiring. They didn’t have to pay me. I would do this for free.

  One evening, I was working when the building was closed. There was an Ancient Mesopotamia gallery we were creating, and I’d be working all night to set it up. Most of the time when I left the museum, the sun was rising. But I was never tired. When you loved what you did, it really wasn’t work.

  I sat on the floor and tried to decide how I would set up the figures. It was important that everything was easily visible but was untouchable. It was understood that the public shouldn’t press their pudgy fingers on such important pieces, but of course, people did it anyway. It was my job to make sure that didn’t happen.

  I didn’t think about Arsen as much as I used to. Eight months without seeing him or talking to him helped me see our relationship objectively. When I was helplessly in love with him I was blind to everything he put me through. He was impossible to love. That wasn’t his fault. He’d been through more than any person should, but I couldn’t keep hoping I would be the person to change him.

  I’d given up.

  He would stay in prison for another year, and when he got out he would go back to his old ways. He’d shack up with random women and not think twice about me. He probably didn’t think about me anymore as it was. I was just a distant memory.

  My friends were right about him. He wasn’t good for me. I never thought I was better than him. We had the same potential. But now I’d come to accept the fact that he would always waste any ability he possessed. He was doomed to fail, over and over.

  Someday, I wanted to get married. And I wanted to have kids. Arsen could never give me that. And if he could give me kids, he probably wouldn’t be a good father. He wouldn’t understand how to treat them since his own mother was so horrible to him. I felt terrible for thinking these things, but I knew it was true. I once believed he could change and become the man I thought he was capable of.

  But I’d been wrong.

  Now I was starting over with a clean slate. I was getting up every day with a smile on my face. I was jogging again. I would go out with the girls and be excited to get dressed up. Arsen didn’t hang over my mind like a storm of clouds. He didn’t bring me down anymore.

  I never thought I would be over him, but I thought I might be. I still dreamt of him, and of course, I still missed him. I hoped he was doing okay. I hoped prison wasn’t as bad as I feared. But I couldn’t deny his last words to me. He and I could never be together. Now he was just a memory from my reckless days. He was my first love, the man I gave my virginity to, but he never loved me the way I loved him. They were different kinds of love.

  When I thought back to how we met, I wasn’t sure what attracted me to him so much. It was like a bolt of lightning hit me the moment I laid eyes on him. Without a doubt, I knew he was someone I wanted to talk to. He was sitting at the bar talking to two pretty girls. He wore that usual cocky smirk I’d come to grow fond of.

  When he glanced at the door to see who walked inside, his eyes narrowed on me. It was like he felt the exact same thing I felt. The cute girls in front of him were forgotten. I seemed to be the only one in the room who had his attention.

  And then he walked over to me. The rest was history.

  What really happened that night? For me, it was love at first sight. For me, I knew I wanted him and not just for a night. For him…what was it? He’d been faithful to me, something he’d never done before, but that didn’t really mean anything. Just because he kept it in his pants didn’t mean he ever gave me his heart. He never trusted me even though I gave him every reason to.

  I was tired of waiting for it to happen.

  I stared at my completed arrangement, thinking about the endless memories I shared with Arsen. I would always love him even if he didn’t deserve it, but I was ready to move on. I wanted to find someone who wasn’t emotionally stunted, who wasn’t complicated, and someone who wouldn’t hurt me the way he did.

  ***

  I walked into my dad’
s shop and watched the chaos. There was a long line of people waiting, the artists were all working, and Slade was taking care of customers at the register. I assumed my dad was in the back.

  As I walked behind the counter, Slade glanced at me. He wanted to make a smartass comment but couldn’t because he was talking to someone. I gave him a smug look then headed to my dad’s office.

  Dad was talking on the phone and ordering supplies. He was playing with his phone at the same time like he was bored. Then he hung up the landline and turned to me. “Hey, kid. What brings you to the hottest place in the city?”

  “Just wanted to stop by.”

  “What do you want?” he asked plainly. “You saw how busy it was. I don’t have much time today, sweetheart.”

  “Well, there’s this art show tonight in So-Ho and I really want to go.”

  He stood up from this chair then stuffed his phone into his pocket. “Okay…”

  “I can’t find anyone to go with me. Would you be interested?” My dad appreciated art like I did. Not to the same extent, but he still enjoyed it.

  “So, I’m the last resort?” he asked with a laugh.

  “I just know you’d rather stay home and drink beer and watch the game.”

  He rubbed his chin. “That is my favorite hobby in the world…”

  “So, are you down?”

  “Sure, it’ll be fun.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  He came to the door and stood beside me. “You haven’t made any friends at the museum?”

  “Not really,” I said sadly. “Everyone is pretty snooty there. And I usually work at night when no one is there.”

  “Well, give it time. I’m sure you’ll click with someone.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. Well, I’ll see you later.”

  “Bye, sweetheart.”

  ***

  Slade teased me mercilessly for having no friends to take to the art show. He said having to bring your dad was the definition of being the biggest loser of all time. I just ignored him. Slade saw Dad every single day, but I didn’t interact with him as much. I didn’t like sports, which seemed to be his favorite hobby, and I didn’t care for tattoos, so we really didn’t have anything in common. But we both appreciated art.