Because of You

by E. L. Todd

  “I can’t imagine that…”

  “It’s a big lifestyle change. I understand why you’re scared.”

  “So, when I’m with you, what does that mean?”

  “I’m just an means to an end,” she said. “Physical stimulation is still stimulation. When the lights are off, what does it matter who’s sharing the bed with you?”

  “You’re being awfully understanding about this…”

  “Because I care about you, Roland. You’re my friend.”

  I squeezed her hand. “You’re my friend too.”

  “And you liking men doesn’t change my value as a woman. It wasn’t like I was the person who made you realize you wanted something else. It was Heath, not me.”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “If I tell him, then he’ll want something serious with me. I’m not sure if I could ever tell my friends and family about this. How would I even explain it?”

  “It’s your personal life so it’s really none of their business.”

  “But they’ll wonder why I haven’t brought any girls around…or even mentioned them.”

  “Then just tell them,” she said simply.

  I laughed. “Yeah right. My dad is the most masculine man I’ve ever known. I could never tell him…that I’m into another guy. He would hate me.”

  “Are we talking about the same person?” she asked incredulously.

  “I know my dad, alright? He would be disappointed in me. He’s been disappointed in me my entire life. This will just be the icing on the cake.”

  “Uh, when I met your father, he was the sweetest and most caring man I ever met. And it was pretty clear how much he loved you and Skye.”

  “Well, that can change.”

  “No, it can’t,” she said immediately. “Your father will never stop loving you, Roland. If you murdered a child and were on death row, he’d still love you with everything he had.”

  I stared at the floor.

  “What about your mom?”

  “I really have no idea how she’ll react. My parents aren’t against homosexuality, but they don’t talk about it either. I don’t think any parent dreams of having a son who’s gay…or bi…whatever the hell I am.”

  She rubbed the top of my knuckles. “Well, let’s just take it one step at a time. You should be talking to Heath right now, not me.”

  “I don’t know what to say to him…”

  “Everything you just told me. It’s okay to be scared. He’ll understand that. I’m sure he felt this way at one point in his life.”

  “I guess…”

  “I’m flattered I’m the first one you turned to, but Heath is the person you should be talking to.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t be mad. I’m not sure how.”

  “Good,” she said. “It takes a lot to make me mad. And this definitely wouldn’t qualify.” She interlocked our fingers together.

  “Thanks for being my friend. I really need that right now.”

  She rested her head against mine. “And thanks for being my friend too.”

  We sat in silence and stared at her blank TV screen. I thought about everything she said, and I tried to sort out my feelings on my own. It was still confusing, and I still didn’t know what I wanted. But I knew my life would never be the same.

  ***

  Heath acted like I didn’t exist. When he walked inside the building, he didn’t glance at my office. He never sent me emails that contained jokes only he and I would understand. He didn’t ask me to go to lunch.

  It was like nothing ever happened.

  When I went into the conference room for a meeting, Heath sat at the exact opposite corner, trying to stay as far away from me as possible. It hurt even though I couldn’t explain why.

  I led the meeting and discussed what stories we needed to cover for the next few months. Most of the writers had input. Of course, Heath didn’t. It was unfortunate because I knew how bright he was, and his mind was loaded with ideas.

  I handed out their assignments and explained what I wanted from each of them. When I came to Heath, he stared down at his paper while he listened to me. He refused to look at me.

  “I need the article by Thursday, not Friday.”

  “Slacking off?” he asked.

  The whole room became silent.

  What did he just say to me? “No. Nora wants the final layout on Saturday, not Sunday.”

  Heath nodded then flipped through the pages. “Thanks for telling us this on a Tuesday,” he said sarcastically.

  He was undermining my authority in front of every staff member. It was a slap in the face, and I was angry with him for letting our personal relationship interfere with our work environment. “Nora just gave me the orders,” I said calmly. “I had no control over it.”

  “Because you don’t have any control over anything you do, right?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. Was he drunk? “Heath, I’ll fire you if I have to.” It wasn’t an idle threat. If he kept this up, I wouldn’t have a choice. I couldn’t handle him making jabs at me left and right like this.

  “Maybe you should,” he snapped. “Then it’ll really be like I don’t exist.” He stood up and left the conference room.

  The rest of the staff stared at me with awkward looks.

  I cleared my throat and kept going.

  ***

  I waited a few hours for the office to return to calm before I called Heath into my office. I was dreading this conversation, but I couldn’t let him talk to me like that. Maybe he was having a bad day, or maybe he was drunk. I wasn’t sure.

  He stepped inside my office with an angry look on his face. His jaw was clenched tight, and his eyes burned in angry menace. He sat down in the chair facing my desk, and he finally looked at me. “You’re going to fire me? Then get it over with. The less time I have to look at your cowardice face, the better off I’ll be.”

  I tried to remain calm. It hurt that he was acting like this. And I knew he was only behaving this way because I hurt him as much as I had. I was to blame for all of it. “Heath,” I said calmly. “We need to keep our personal relationship out of our professional relationship.”

  “What personal relationship?” he snapped. “Last time I checked, you spent a night with me then dropped me a second later. You went off and had sex with some chick, not giving a damn how that would hurt me. So Roland, what personal relationship?”

  “Why are you acting like this?” I demanded.

  “Why?” He released a sarcastic laugh. “Because I gave you everything and you broke my heart. That’s why.” A light coating of moisture came into his eyes and he looked down and blinked it away. “Just fire me, alright? I don’t want to see you every day anyway. It’s too fucking hard.”

  I felt like shit. I’d never felt this low. Even when I slept with that married woman and my dad screamed at me, I didn’t feel like this. I really hurt someone I cared about, someone I loved, and now I saw the destruction of my foolishness. “I’m not going to fire you. You’re too good to let go.”

  “Then you should leave,” he said angrily. “Or transfer to another department.”

  His words hurt me. “You hate me that much?” I whispered.

  He stood up then looked at me before he walked out. “I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life.”

  ***

  I couldn’t stop thinking about his final words to me. It really hurt—bad. I pushed him so far that he couldn’t stand me. Anytime he was near me, he drowned in misery. I treated him so poorly after everything he did for me, and I felt worthless and pathetic.

  We didn’t speak at work, and Heath avoided me whenever he could. He always took the stairs when he left so he wouldn’t be stuck with me in the elevator. Seeing him run from me like I was a monster hurt most of all.

  And I missed him. I missed our friendship as well as…our other relationship. It was like a piece of me was missing. I hadn’t st
opped thinking about that kiss since we had it. I missed his smell, his smile, and everything that made Heath such an incredible man.

  I was staring out my window when I decided I couldn’t stay away from him anymore. I needed to talk to him. I’d had enough space to figure everything out. Now I just needed to talk to him. But judging the way he was so vicious to me, he didn’t want to talk to me. And that was my biggest fear.

  I knocked on his door and waited for an answer. He would probably spot me through the peephole and ignore me. It would be more than what I deserved.

  But surprisingly, the door opened.

  Heath stared at me with a hard expression, like the fact I was still alive was displeasing to him. His eyes looked gray rather than blue, and his shoulders were tenser than I’d ever seen them. His chest rose and fell quicker than normal, so I knew my presence wasn’t welcomed. “What do you want?”

  “Can we talk?”

  “I won’t snap at work again. I’ll be professional. Can we move on now?”

  “No…that’s not what I want to talk about.”

  “There’s nothing more to say that hasn’t already been said. Just leave me the hell alone, Roland.”

  “Please,” I whispered. “Can I…just come in?”

  “Roland, I couldn’t care less about what you have to say.” He started to close the door.

  “Wait.” I grabbed the door and tried to keep it open. “I’m sorry about everything. Just hear me out—”

  The door shut and locked.

  I pounded my fists on the door. “Heath, come on!”

  He didn’t open it.

  I was growing desperate. “I love you!” The words left my mouth without premeditation. It was all I could think of. If it were too late for me to make this right, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

  Heath opened the door. When he looked at me, he had a different expression on his face. “What did you say?” His eyes searched mine, looking for reassurance.

  I put my hands in my pockets. “I love you…” I swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling awkward saying it in the middle of the hallway. “Can I come in now?”

  He stared at me for a moment before he opened the door wider.

  I stepped inside, and the familiar smell of his apartment came into my nose. It looked exactly as I remembered it. I walked until I reached the windows. Then I turned around.

  Heath stood in front of me with his arms across his chest. “Is that it?”

  “No…”

  He waited for more.

  “I’m sorry I took off after that night. I just…I was so confused and I didn’t know what was going on. I’ve liked women my whole life and I’ve never looked at men in that way…and then I was kissing you. I just…it scared the shit out of me, frankly.”

  Heath’s full focus was on me.

  “I’ve been trying to understand what’s happening. I don’t want to be gay. I’ve never wanted to be gay. I like women. I kept telling myself that I just had a weird incident or it was a fluke. I slept with Jasmine to prove that I was straight. I just want to be normal, like everyone else.

  “But…I’m not normal. It’s different with you. I’ve never been attracted to a guy before. It makes me wonder if it’s genuine or a fluke.”

  “It’s genuine,” he said quietly.

  I shifted my weight and wouldn’t look at him. “I don’t understand what’s going on. How can I like women my whole life, but feel differently toward you? What does that mean?”

  He kept his voice low. “You and I have a unique connection. I felt it the moment we met. I knew there was something more than friendship from the beginning.”

  “Even from me?” I asked.

  He nodded. “I didn’t want to say anything because I knew you needed to figure it out on your own. If I said something, it would have scared you off.”

  “Well, I’m scared anyway.”

  “Roland, I understand you’re scared and confused. But you shouldn’t have run from me like that. You should have told me what you were thinking and feeling. I could have talked it out with you and helped you. Instead, you really hurt me…”

  “I know…I’m sorry.”

  It didn’t seem like he accepted my apology. “What now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What do you want, Roland?”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  His eyes showed his disappointment.

  “I just wish I understood myself better.”

  “You want to know what I think?”

  I nodded.

  “I think sexuality is something that doesn’t just happen between a man and a woman. Sexuality is just something that exists. Different things excite different people, just like people prefer different foods. Every person is unique, and just because they liked one thing for a very long time doesn’t mean they won’t change their mine one day and decide they want something else. Don’t label yourself. That’s what’s making it complicated.

  “Did you know that an individual experiences more orgasms when they have sex with someone of the same sex? Do you know why?”

  I shook my head.

  “Since they are of that sex, they understand what they like. So, I’m a man and I know how to please another man because I understand what feels good.”

  “I guess that makes sense.”

  “I think you feel something for me that you’ve never felt for anyone else, even a girl, and instead of telling yourself you only like women, open up your mind to the fact that you might enjoy men too.”

  “But you don’t like women,” I said immediately.

  “No, I don’t. I never have. But that’s me, Roland, not you. Perhaps if you explore your sexuality more, you’ll realize you like only men. You need to pursue these feelings and see where they go. If not, you might be denied the greatest sense of joy you’ve ever known. What’s holding you back?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck. “I guess…I wouldn’t want anyone to know.”

  “You’re ashamed?” he asked.

  “Not ashamed…I just don’t want to figure this out while everyone knows about it. What if this is a fluke and I realize I don’t like men at all? Then everyone will label me for the rest of my life. It could ruin my reputation.”

  “It’s not a fluke, Roland. What did you feel when you kissed me?”

  I shrugged.

  “I know you liked it. I was there. You can’t lie to me.”

  “Maybe I liked it at the time but who knows if I’ll like it again.”

  “Why don’t we find out?” he asked.

  Was it wrong that the hair on the back of my neck stood up?

  “Let’s just try, Roland. Let’s be together and see where it goes.”

  I put my hands in my pockets.

  “Is that what you want?”

  It was. I nodded.

  “I didn’t hear you.”

  “Yes,” I blurted.

  “Okay, then I have a rule.”

  “Okay…”

  “You can’t run away from me when things get rough. I couldn’t stand it if you hurt me like that again.”

  “I understand,” I whispered.

  “Any doubt or concern you have, just tell me. I’m your friend and I can help you. Of anyone you know, I’m the best person to confide in.”

  “I want it to be a secret. You can’t tell anyone.”

  He sighed in annoyance. “Okay. But I will only do that temporarily. If this becomes serious, I’m not going to hide. And I’m certainly not going to let you hide either.”

  “That sounds fair.”

  “Okay, I guess we have an agreement.” He stared at me without looking away.

  I met his gaze, suddenly feeling the tension in the room. Heat started to rise, and I felt warm everywhere.

  Heath came close to me and stopped when we were an inch apart. “I love you.” He said it with more emotion than I’d ever heard him say. His eyes burned with desire and heat. The longing was evident.

&n
bsp; “I love you too,” I whispered.

  He took a deep breath then pulled me into a hug. His arms moved around me and he held me close. I returned the embrace, feeling good for the first time in weeks.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Clementine

  I tried not to think about Ward while he was gone. It was difficult to resist texting him or calling him. We hadn’t known each other very long, but it seemed like I’d known him for a long time. Even though I wanted to talk to him, I didn’t think it was wise to reach out to him. If our relationship was casual, I had to keep it that way. He would be out of my life shortly so there was no point in getting too involved.

  When I was home one evening, I was painting my nails blood red. I liked the way they looked when I played my violin. They stood out and gave me some personality since I was forced to wear all black for my performances. And they fit right in at the strip club.

  I was sitting at the kitchen table when my phone rang. My left hand was dry, so I grabbed it and glanced at the screen.

  It was Ward.

  My heart pumped fast while I stared at his name. Then I cleared my throat and answered it. “Hello?”

  “Hello, darling. It’s nice to hear your voice.”

  Just hearing him made me melt. I loved his accent, and the way he spoke to me. He made me feel special even though he spoke to everyone in the same way. “It’s nice to hear yours too.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Painting my nails. What are you doing?”

  “Laying in bed.”

  It was three in the afternoon in New York. I forgot about the time difference between us. “Did you have a good day?”

  “Work was a bore but it usually is. How was yours?”

  “It was fine.”

  “Did you work?”

  Whenever he asked that, he always meant the strip club. “Late last night. I actually woke up not that long ago.”

  “I see.” He always sounded slightly annoyed whenever I mentioned my Fantasia alias. “Did anyone give you any trouble?”

  “No one ever gives me trouble,” I said casually.

  “Let me know if they do,” he said seriously. “I’ll fly over there and knock all their teeth out.”