by Lindsey Hart
“I did, I guess,” Lexi moaned. “It wasn’t supposed to happen, but- I- I have these feelings for him.”
“Sexy feelings?”
“Like other feelings too!” She glanced at the test in her hand and fresh tears welled up. “I can’t be pregnant. This will ruin everything.”
“Why?” Sam frowned. “You guys are exclusive, aren’t you? It’s early, but you’ve known each other for forever. I’m sure he’ll get used to the idea.”
“No, you don’t get it! He hates kids. Like hates them! He doesn’t want them. He never did. Never will. He’ll think I tricked him about being on the pill. He’ll think that I wasn’t or that I stopped taking it to try and get pregnant. He’ll think that I just want to use him for his money, pop out a brat so that I’m set up for life.”
“That’s a terrible thing to say,” Sam snarled. “I mean, not you. Him. Would he really think that? Would he really say it?”
Lexi hung her head. The test felt like a lead weight in her hand. A baby. She had a freaking baby inside of her. A little boy or a little girl. Along with the panic and terror, something else filled up her chest. It was a slow trickle at first, but then it flooded every crevice and cavity. Love. She felt it. The warmth flowed through her, giving her enough courage to raise her head and look her best friend in the eye.
“I don’t know. I- no. I do know. Even if he didn’t think that of me, he wouldn’t want it. He doesn’t want kids. He’s always been very vocal and clear about that. It’s not his fault. Some people just don’t. They don’t like them, and they don’t want them. We never talked about it. We were too new. I knew it could never go anywhere. That we wouldn’t last. We were too different. We want different things. Vital things. Important things. I want to be a mother. I always knew that is how it would end. I- well- not like this- but- that it would end. That it would end over the kids thing or something else. That’s the real reason I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to have to explain to everyone after, what happened, why it didn’t work out. I knew it was going to hurt when it ended, and I wanted it to hurt as little as possible. I didn’t want my mom asking me if I was okay or my dad trying to see how I was doing. I didn’t even want Andy to try and bring me fast food or you to give me cupcakes and hard love or whatever.”
Sam laughed softly. “That’s exactly what I would have done. But- but now- even if it ends, wouldn’t you be really lonely? Going through a heartbreak all by yourself?”
Lexi hung her head. “It was stupid of me to even start it. Once I did, though, I just- it was hard to imagine breaking it off. I tried, like, a hundred times. I had the words on the tip of my tongue all the time, but they just wouldn’t come out. And- and now… I have to do this. I have to break up with him.”
“He might change his mind. When he knows there’s a real baby inside of you. A life. A life that is half him.”
“He won’t. He’ll hate me for it. I know it.”
Sam closed the distance between them and tugged Lexi in for another hug. “You don’t know that.”
“This,” Lexi sighed from Sam’s shoulder. “I do know. Without a doubt. Beyond anything. I know it. This isn’t his fault. He shouldn’t have to ever be in this position.”
“Well…” Sam hesitated. The silence dragged on and Lexi had to pull back. She stared at her friend almost afraid of the churning wheels going on. Sam was a little wild and her ideas usually followed suit. Lexi loved her best friend, but honestly, some of her better ideas had still been pretty horrifying over the years. “You don’t have to tell him.”
“What?” Lexi gaped at her. “Clearly, I do! We work together. We’re- we’re basically seeing each other. I- I have feelings for him. I wasn’t supposed to, but I do. I can’t just- not tell him. I think he’d notice eventually,” she tacked on dryly.
Fresh tears threatened and her heart, even if it was swelling with the strange new love that bloomed after the initial shock for that tiny little miracle inside of her, still hurt. She knew she’d have to break it off with Curtis. She knew that they were doomed from the start, but she’d let herself be lulled into a false sense of security. They’d had their own little world, a bubble that was blissfully just them, for two entire months. It was barely a blink, but it felt like an eternity too. That bubble just burst in the most abrupt way and Lexi was left stunned. Her heart felt stomped all over, shattered, tattered, and worn.
“You could just- leave,” Sam said. She winced as Lexi recoiled. “I mean, don’t tell him. Just quit your job. I’ll help you find something else. Make sure you don’t run into him again. He doesn’t have to know. Ever. Just go and break up with him. Make it final. Tell him that it’s too hard for you to work for him or with him because you’re so hurt.”
“That’s pretty close to the truth,” Lexi sniffed. The tears prickling her eyes flooded her cheeks in red hot trails. She sniffled loudly and Sam’s face caved in at the sight of them. “I don’t think I can do it. I can’t break up with him. I- it won’t be convincing. He’d- he’d get me to change my mind. I know it. I- I- I like him, Sam. I like him a lot. I liked him for years. I just couldn’t admit it. And now… I can’t do it. I can’t break up with him.”
“Then, if you don’t want him to know about the baby, you’re going to have to disappear. Just leave. Get rid of the apartment. Move somewhere else. Change your number. Disappear. Drop off the face of his earth. He’ll be okay. He’ll move on.”
“What about me?” Lexi wailed. “I- I never should have slept with him!”
“Honey,” Sam shook her head sadly. “You were a goner way before then. I’m sorry I told you to just get it over with, but I was tired of watching you walk around, completely moonstruck and not even realizing it. You’ve been in love with him for years.”
“You’re not helping things!” Lexi gripped the test harder, bringing it up in front of her face. Sam leaned in too. They both got a good look at that blue plus sign. Lexi blinked. Sam blinked too.
“I’ll be there for you,” Sam promised. “We all will. I know your family. They’ll support you in whatever you want. Mine will too. My parents love you like a daughter. You have lots of friends. Lots of good friends who love you. You have a degree. You’ll be able to find another job. You can even move in with me until you find somewhere else to go. Or tell him. Take a chance on it. Or dump him. I don’t know. You’ll just have to decide what you want to do. The only thing I know for sure is that you’re going to be a great mom. The best mom!”
As if the moment wasn’t hard enough, her pregnancy hormones were in full force. Another round of tears gathered behind her eyes and she didn’t even attempt to stop them. They leaked out in fat droplets, raining down her cheeks and dribbling off her chin.
Sam went in for another hug and even though Lexi wasn’t exactly the hugging type, she melted into her best friend. She inhaled Sam’s floral scent, which was slightly nauseating now that she knew why her sense of smell had been so off. She still breathed it in just the same.
A baby. She really had a baby inside of her. No matter what, she’d take a part of Curtis with her. It was the only thing that stopped her heart from shattering completely. She’d done this. Jumped into it with both feet knowing full well their story had no happily ever after. It didn’t even have a mediocre ever after. It had a shitty ever after with a side of broken-hearted disaster and a heaping spoonful of tear filled regret. Curtis wasn’t hers. He was never hers. She’d borrowed him for a few blissful, unforgettable weeks.
She always knew that their ending was just around the corner. They were more than living on borrowed time. Stolen moments. That’s what they were. Curtis never told her explicitly that he loved her.
She was probably just a distraction for him. He’d said he wanted her, but that wasn’t more than physical, she was sure. He had a good family too. Even a few really good friends. He actually wasn’t the asshole she thought he was, and if she just disappeared, he’d be upset, but he’d be okay. He had good people
to lean on. He’d get over her. Probably with another model worthy woman. Maybe if she got the heck out of his picture, he’d actually be free to find the person he was meant to be with, since she’d always known that wasn’t her.
It hurt.
It really hurt.
She wanted to say goodbye, but maybe Sam was right, and it would just complicate things. This way, Curtis could just be free. He wouldn’t know about a child he didn’t want. He wouldn’t have to feel obligated to be in his son's or daughter’s life when he didn’t want to be. His child would never know the sting of realizing that its own father hadn’t and didn’t want it.
Even if they hadn’t been destined for failure, even if she’d only found out she was pregnant, that child growing inside of her was now her number one priority. She had to do what was best for her baby, even long before it was born. If that meant sparing him or her from future hurts, hurts that would resound for a lifetime, then she had to do it.
Even if it was hard. Even if it was messy. Even if it hurt like hell.
Lexi sniffled and leaned back into her bestie. She could do this. She could freaking do this. If not for herself, then for her baby. Sam was right. She wouldn’t be alone.
Maybe in time, her heart would even learn how to heal.
CHAPTER 20
Curtis
When Lexi called in sick, he was worried. She didn’t answer any of his texts. He told himself he’d give her a day since he knew she was fiercely independent and probably just wanted to be left alone. When the first day stretched to two, he texted her, asking if he could come over. She responded that she had a stomach bug and was contagious and didn’t want him to get it. She promised him in a few days she’d feel better and be back at work.
He gave her another three days before he blew her phone up. Or at least, he’d tried. His worried texts pinged back at him as undelivered. Confused, he’d picked up his phone and dialed her number. Only to find it wasn’t in service.
He knew. From the second that toneless operator’s voice flooded his ear, that she was gone.
It was a sinking feeling, a sickening sensation that spread through him like a real virus. The truth sucked, and he knew it straight down to his marrow and the bottom of his aching heart, that Lexi was gone. She wouldn’t be coming back to work. She’d changed her number so he couldn’t contact her. He’d always felt that she was slipping through his fingers, even when he was right there. He didn’t know what to do or say to keep her with him. To keep her his.
And now she was gone.
Without a word. Without a goodbye. Without any snarky sass or a big blow out. Without so much as an email or a note or even a text.
It was so very like Lexi to just disappear and try and spare his feelings, spare him the awkwardness, spare him having to explain or listen to her explanation, spare him all the shit she thought he wasn’t good at. She probably thought that she’d done this for the best. That he’d thank her for it. That in the long run, it would be the less hurtful route.
They were never supposed to happen.
They were the stars everyone always talked about that shone the brightest and burned themselves out.
He was in love with her and in classic Lexi fashion, when she realized it, or maybe even felt it too, she ran. He’d always chased. Always.
Maybe she didn’t want to be chased. Lexi was a good person. She had a tender heart despite the coldness she’d always tried to show him. He’d learned a lot about her in the three years they’d worked together. He’d learned even more in the two months they were together. They didn’t meet each other’s families or friends. They didn’t do the normal couple things, but they did share. They shared each other’s lives and opened up their hearts. He thought it could be enough. That maybe, when he broached the subject of putting a name and a title to what they were doing, to telling people, to making it official, that maybe she’d be up for it. That maybe, just maybe she’d learned to hate him a little less. That maybe she’d learned to love him a little.
Love didn’t have anything to do with it.
Curtis slammed his phone down on his desk. He was at work, of all places. The worst place to go fuck full on tornado and wreck everything like he wanted to. He didn’t, and not because there were people there to witness it. He didn’t give a shit about that. He didn’t, because the stuff in the office belonged to his grandfather and there was no way he’d wreck it.
Thinking about his grandfather made him think about the cabin, which made him think about Lexi and what they’d done there. They might have been falling in lust with each other for three years, maybe a little more, but they’d made it official that weekend. They’d never said they felt anything close to the big L or even a little l, but god. Every single touch. Every glance. Every taste. Every kiss and caress and tender glance spoke volumes.
Something had happened.
Lexi hadn’t just disappeared without a reason. He hadn’t given her one that he knew of.
Not a good enough one to just vanish.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that it wasn’t like Lexi at all. She didn’t run from her problems. She faced them head on. She’d never actually been running from him. She was just trying to spare them both the pain that she probably thought would come of starting anything she wasn’t quite sure that they could finish in a way that wouldn’t shatter both of them.
He’d pressed. He’d pressed and pressed until she couldn’t resist anymore.
Something was wrong. It didn’t make sense. Lexi just leaving, lying to him, disconnecting her number, vanishing… it wasn’t her. It wasn’t… it didn’t add up and he was excellent at math.
Curtis picked up his phone again. He hesitated for just a second before his fingers flew over the screen.
He might not know where Lexi was, but that didn’t change the fact that she was still out there. He was going to find her. Even if it cost him every single cent, he’d find her. And then he’d do everything he could to convince her that she wanted to be found.
CHAPTER 21
Lexi
“Don’t worry, babe. You’ve got this.”
Lexi flashed Sam a watery smile. Sam whirled, popped her slices of toast out of the toaster, and proceeded to hum and dance as she slathered peanut butter and raspberry jam all over them. Lexi’s stomach lurched but she didn’t say anything. It was pretty freaking bad when even the smell of toast made you want to throw up. Mornings were just like that. Sometimes afternoons, evenings, and all night too.
“It will be a miracle if I don’t barf all over my new desk,” Lexi moaned. “God. Do you think if someone hears me puking in the bathroom I’ll get fired?”
“Considering you chose to disclose that you’re pregnant at the interview and it’s a six-month term, I’d say no.” Sam grinned at her before taking a huge bite out of the gooey toast. Saliva flooded Lexi’s mouth and she tried not to gag.
“I know I just…” She trailed off since there was nothing that she could say that they hadn’t already discussed. Nothing she could say out loud.
Time didn’t heal all things, but it was a good starter. In just over a month she’d moved in with Sam, with the help of her family, who were all behind her. Sam was right. She was loved. Very loved. Loved by her family and all her friends. They’d all pitched in to help out how they could. Her brother and sister packed up her entire apartment. Her parents paid for movers to come and move what was left after Lexi sold off the furniture. Sam pulled some strings and helped get Lexi an interview with an accounting firm that she had a few friends working at. It wasn’t Lexi’s dream job and it was just basic frontline reception, but the temp term suited her just fine. After six months, she’d be ready to pop, so it was the perfect arrangement.
She’d settled in with Sam, taking the small second bedroom in the apartment. It was more of a storage closet, but that was just fine with Lexi. She was going to move back in with her parents after her temp term ended. Her mom and dad were shocked about the
pregnancy, but in the next breath, they were assuring her she could move back home. They were going to get the basement cleaned up and her dad was going to put in the suite he’d always been talking about. He said it was the perfect kick in the pants he needed. He’d renovate and she could live there until the baby was old enough to go to daycare or whatever she decided, and if she wanted to move out after, her parents would rent out the suite.
Lexi knew she should have been thankful for the way that all the pieces fell into place so quickly. She was thankful. She truly was. She hardly even cried herself to sleep at night anymore. Hardly. Ever. She didn’t spend every spare moment of the day thinking about the one missing piece in her puzzle. The one that would never fall in. Never could fall in.
Because she’d left it.
She’d left it and there was no going back.
Just as she was reaching for her car keys and her purse, her nerves churning her stomach worse than any other morning, the apartment buzzer went off, crackling through the kitchen. Sam jumped so hard that her toast flew out of her hand landed facedown with a peanut buttery, jammy, gooey smack on the kitchen floor.
“Assholes and buttholes,” Sam muttered under her breath. “Who the heck is ringing the buzzer at seven in the morning? Must be the wrong place. I swear, if anyone else drunk buzzes this apartment in the wee hours of the morning on any day, I’m going to go down there and rip them a new butthole.”
Lexi bit down on her lip to stifle a smile. Sam’s favorite curses always involved something about a butt. It was quite endearing and drunk buzzing or not, she could use a little humor in her life.
Lexi slid her purse strap over her shoulder while Sam bent with a wad of paper towel in her hand to tackle the toast disaster. “Okay, I’m going now. I’ll text you at lunch to let you know how it’s going.”