by Syndi Powell
“Sure.” Page returned to the chair she’d slept in and closed her eyes. The image of the baby’s perfect face floated before her. Tears burned her eyes and she opened them to find Ruby’s shoulders heaving. She crossed the room and got into bed beside the girl, pulling her into her arms. “It’s okay, Ruby.”
The girl wrapped her arms around Page’s waist. “I didn’t even want the baby, so why does it hurt so bad?”
Page ran a hand through Ruby’s hair. “Because she was a part of you for seven months. And the loss of her life is still painful. It means something. She meant something.”
“It’s not fair.”
“You’re right. It’s not.”
Ruby tried to push herself to sit up, but she moaned and clutched her belly. “It hurts.”
“I know.”
“I’m afraid that you hate me.”
Page sat stunned. “How can you say that? I love you more than you know.”
“But it’s my fault.”
Page refused to believe that. “It wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes there are no answers. No good ones, at least. And no one is to blame for that, okay?”
“And you still want me to live with you after all of this happened?”
“Of course, I do.” Page looked Ruby in the eye. “Do you still want to stay with me?”
Ruby nodded and buried herself in Page’s arms. They held each other until their tears had stopped. Then they cried some more.
* * *
LATER THAT MORNING, April opened the door of the hospital room, bringing a wheelchair with her. “Your chariot awaits, Ruby. Dr. Achatz signed the paperwork to get you out of here.”
“Good. I’m ready to go.” Ruby glanced at Page.
April held up a bag of clothes. “I brought you something clean to wear home.”
Ruby took the bag and headed for the bathroom. “Thanks.”
April turned to Page. “How are you doing this morning?”
Page shrugged. “Every time I think I don’t have any more tears left, I start crying again.” She glanced at the closed bathroom door. “Ruby keeps saying she feels like she’s let me down, but I don’t know how else to reassure her.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Take Ruby home with me. Mateo said they’ll probably do a DNA test on the father and Ruby. That could take some time. But he doesn’t want her, even if the test proves what we already suspected.”
“And then?”
“Mateo has a line on her maternal grandmother in Oklahoma. I’m not sure about that, either. It’s the same story. Why wouldn’t she have come forward before now if she cared anything for Ruby?”
“What do you want to happen, Page?”
That was the big question she’d been mulling over since last night. She’d been so afraid for Ruby that she hadn’t thought about what would happen now. The girl still needed her, and Page didn’t want her to leave just yet.
If ever.
She’d become this girl’s champion in a world that wanted to reject her. It had felt good to do something for someone else. But it was more than that. She loved Ruby’s sense of humor. Loved the way the girl would reach out to help someone else, including her. She reminded her of herself at that age, and Page wanted to give her a better world than what she’d been given. To show her that life could be good even when you had no one. She didn’t want to let Ruby go, but she wasn’t sure if things had changed for the girl. If Ruby wanted to leave her. Would being with Page only remind her of what she’d lost? What they’d both lost? Or would Ruby be able to find comfort with Page?
April nudged her.
Page looked up at her and shook her head, unsure of how to answer just yet. The bathroom door opened, and Ruby appeared in a sundress. She placed a hand on her still-rounded belly. “I still look...” Forlorn, she stared at Page. “I thought I would look...flatter.”
Page walked over to her. “You will eventually. Day by day, things will get back to normal. Your body. Your grief. It’s going to all be okay.”
Ruby nodded, and April joined them, putting her arms around the both of them. “I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m in the mood for ice cream.”
Page narrowed her eyes at her. “Since when are you not in the mood for it?”
“When things are sad, I like ice cream, can’t help it.”
“And when things are happy?” Page asked.
April smiled. “I like ice cream even more then. But with whipped cream and sprinkles.”
Page checked to make sure they had taken everything. She found the discharge papers on the bed and grabbed them. She knew the drill—plenty of fluids and rest. No heavy lifting. Follow up with the doctor in the next few days. She’d given those instructions to enough new mothers that she could repeat them verbatim. The fact that they were leaving without a baby tinged the moment with sorrow. Page took a deep breath. It’s like she’d told Ruby. Day by day, it would get better.
* * *
MATEO LEFT ANOTHER voice mail on Page’s cell phone. He wanted to know if she wanted to see him as much as he needed to see her. She’d been on his mind from the moment he’d left the hospital, and those thoughts hadn’t let up since.
He was falling for her. And that was the one thing he couldn’t do.
Since he couldn’t get in touch with Page, he figured he’d do the next best thing. The search for Ruby’s grandmother was a little more complicated since they didn’t share the same last name. He’d been able to locate a copy of Ruby’s mother’s birth certificate to get the grandmother’s name. He rechecked the website he’d been reading and copied information onto his yellow legal pad.
Unfortunately, Sheilah Samson seemed to have disappeared shortly after the birth of her daughter. No public records mentioned her. No weddings or births or deaths in Oklahoma. She might have moved to another state. Or country. Or maybe she hadn’t done anything of note since 1971. He could hire a private investigator to see if they could dig deeper, but he wanted to do this himself.
It would be his way to make up for Thomas. If he could find the grandmother and if she wanted Ruby, then... Then what? He saw how Page acted around the girl. Protective. Nurturing. What if the grandmother took Ruby away from the one woman who really cared for her?
He rubbed his forehead, then turned off the computer. Moot point really, since he couldn’t find the grandmother. Besides, he needed to know for sure what Page wanted. If she even knew that herself.
His phone rang, and he picked it up without checking caller ID, hoping it was Page returning his call. “Mateo Lopez.”
“You’ve got to get him out of that jail.” The woman on the other end of the phone started to cry. “Scotty is in the prison infirmary.”
“What happened?”
“There was a fight, and he seemed to get caught in the middle. Got beat up before the guards could separate the inmates.” She paused, sniffling. “Why can’t you get him out of there? He’s just a boy.”
Even though Mateo knew that the boy’s own actions had led him to that spot, Mateo also knew she was right. He was too young to be stuck with the adult jail population. “I’ve tried to appeal to the judge, but because of the overcrowding situation in the juvenile detention center, there’s no room for him there.”
“Do whatever you have to do to save my boy. Please, Mr. Lopez.”
She ended the call. Mateo stared at his cell before placing it on his desk. She was right. He needed to do something.
* * *
PAGE SHUT THE door to Ruby’s bedroom and tiptoed down the hall. Ruby was finally asleep. Rest would bring more healing than anything else would right now.
April looked up from the sofa as Page entered the living room. “How are you?” her friend asked.
“She’s finally sleeping, so that’s good.”
April stood an
d approached her, put her hands on each side of Page’s face. “I asked how you were.”
“I’m fine.” She sidestepped her friend and went to the love seat, pulling the crocheted afghan over her. “Want to watch a movie?”
“No, I want to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Page reached over and grabbed the remote control from the coffee table and turned on the television. “Are you hungry? We could order pizza.”
April blocked the TV. “Page, we need to talk about this. The last twenty-four hours have been pretty eventful.”
Page sighed and tried to change channels. “I don’t need to talk, okay? You can talk all you want, but I really don’t have anything to say.”
“Fine.” April came and sat on the coffee table so that her knees touched Page’s. “I’m sorry you lost the baby.”
“I didn’t...”
“Yes, in a sense, you lost the baby, too. Sure, it was Ruby’s body that went through the trauma, but your heart was as invested in that baby.” April leaned forward and touched Page’s hand. “You’re focusing all your energy on Ruby so that you can ignore the pain and grief inside yourself.”
“Ruby needs me to be strong.”
April threaded her fingers through Page’s. “She’s not here right now. It’s just you and me. It’s okay to show your feelings.”
Page took in a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. Hot tears burned her eyes as she shook her head. “I wish you could have seen her. She was perfect. And so beautiful.”
“I know.”
“And I only got to hold her for a few minutes.”
April scooted closer and put her other hand on Page’s shoulder. “There can be other babies.”
“Maybe.” Page couldn’t stop the rage any longer. “Just once—just once, one time, I would like to win and get what I want.”
“So, you’ve had a couple of setbacks—”
“Couple?” Page laughed and stood—she could hear the hysteria in her tone. She moved away from April. The pain seemed overwhelming, and she had to get a grip on it again. Otherwise, how would she survive? How would Ruby?
In the kitchen, she grabbed a glass from the cupboard next to the sink and turned on the faucet. Drank the whole glass of water in one go, then refilled it. She leaned against the counter, pressing the cool glass against her warm cheek.
April stood in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. “Can I join this pity party or are you celebrating alone?”
“I think I deserve it. Don’t you?” She’d lost so much already, and now this? She had done nothing to bring all this upon herself, and yet it had happened. The estranged family. The divorce. The cancer. And now, Ruby losing the baby. “You’re the one who wanted to talk about this, remember? I wanted to bury it all.”
“Talk about it, yes. Not wallow in it.”
Page drank the water and put the glass in the sink. “Go home, April. I’m not good company right now.”
“No.”
“No?”
April spread her arms wide so that she filled the doorway. “You’re going to have to force me out. And frankly, I don’t think you can.”
Page shook her head at April’s antics. As she hung her head and let the tears fall, April was pulling her into her arms and rubbing her back. “It’s going to be okay, Page. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things will turn out all right.”
Page clung to April. “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you as a friend.”
“Let’s hope you never have to find out.” April waddled them over to the counter, grabbed a sheet of paper towel and handed it to Page. “You haven’t done anything to deserve these bad breaks, but you don’t need to dwell on them, either. Now wipe your tears. Pity party is over.”
Page did as her friend ordered, and she took several deep breaths. “I wish I could believe like you. That good things are coming.”
“And how do you know they’re not?”
She wanted to hold on to the hope that better days were ahead, but she couldn’t see that far. And she’d learned early to expect the worst. “I’ll tell you what. When I’m finally happy, you’ll be the first to know.”
“Deal.”
There was a knock on the front door, and April left to answer it. Page so wanted everything to be right, but still, happiness seemed to elude her.
* * *
WHEN HE HADN’T heard from Page, he drove to her house. He tried to hide his disappointment when April answered. “Did Page know you were coming over?” she asked.
“No. I’ve been calling her all day, but she hasn’t returned my calls. How is she?”
“Why don’t you come in and see for yourself?”
April opened the front door wider, and pointed toward the kitchen. He followed her direction and found Page standing at the kitchen sink, staring out at the backyard. “Hey, Page.”
She turned, and he could see the tracks of tears staining her pale cheeks. “I was supposed to call you back.”
He waved it off. “It’s okay. I understand.”
“Do you? Because I don’t.”
He held out the bouquet of flowers he’d bought in hopes of cheering her up. “Here. I thought you might like these.”
She took the blooms from him. “Thank you.” She pressed them to her nose and then set them aside. “Why did you call?”
“I wanted to see how you were doing.”
She half smiled. “Okay, I guess.”
“Do you need anything?” He was begging for a crumb from her. He’d go on any mission that she’d send him. Take any order from her if it made her feel better. Because he didn’t know what else to do.
He took a few steps forward, but the pain on her face kept him from getting too close. He didn’t do emotions well, especially grief. He’d floundered after his mother’s death, had been unable to heal himself much less help his father and sister through their own loss. Despite being book-smart and knowing the law, he couldn’t fathom the human heart and all its messy emotions. Instead, he brought up another topic. “I haven’t found the grandmother.”
Page nodded, but didn’t say what she was thinking. Her face had formed a mask of indifference. She seemed to be waiting for him to continue.
“Do you want me to find her?” he asked finally.
“Ruby deserves to be with her family.”
“What if she’s already found it here?”
Page gave a sharp bark of laughter. “Meaning me?”
“The two of you have formed a strong bond. In light of everything, she’s really flourished under your care. Don’t you want her to live here with you? Be a part of your family?”
“It doesn’t seem to matter what I want.” She looked at him with those big eyes.
“So I’ll keep searching.”
“It’s probably for the best.”
He wasn’t so sure of that. He figured the woman before him was the best option for Ruby, but if Page didn’t know that, he couldn’t force the issue. “Okay then.”
He started to leave the kitchen, then turned back to face her. “You didn’t deserve to lose the baby, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy, either.”
He left her house. The cold woman in the kitchen was a Page he didn’t know. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE TECHNICIAN PRESSED a cotton ball to Page’s arm and removed the needle. She slapped the label with her vital information on her tube of blood and added it to the basket, which had two others in it. “Dr. Frazier will have the results within a few days.”
Page knew the drill. They’d test her blood to see if the chemotherapy was working. To test the level of cancer antigens in her body. All of this to determine how long she would remain in treatment.
Slippin
g off the stool, she patted it and pointed to Ruby. “Your turn.”
The girl paled. “We really don’t have to do this. It doesn’t matter to me if he’s my father or not. He doesn’t want me.”
“Stop your worrying. They don’t take blood for this test.”
Ruby narrowed her eyes as if she didn’t believe Page, but sat on the stool and waited for the technician to verify her name and date of birth. The woman pulled out a long cotton swab. “Open your mouth.”
Page smiled at Ruby’s surprised expression. “I told you it wasn’t a blood draw.”
The technician scraped the sides of Ruby’s mouth and put the swab in a glass tube and capped it. “We’ll send the results to your lawyer. Probably by the end of the week or so.”
Ruby got off the stool, and the two of them walked out of the lab and down the hall to the waiting room, where Mateo sat, typing on his laptop. He looked up and smiled at them. “All set?”
Mateo drove them home. Page seemed glued to her seat and she watched Ruby go inside the house. Mateo spoke first. “No matter what the outcome of the test is, there’s no guarantee that she’ll go with Thomas. He seems pretty clear that he won’t take her.”
“I know.”
He sighed. “What do you want me to do, Page? I’m your lawyer, and I’m not even sure what you want. You love Ruby, but you don’t want to fight for her?”
“It wouldn’t be a fair fight, would it? Like you said, I’m dying and no judge would allow an adoption.”
“So we give up? Just like that? Where’s the woman who would stand up for what she wanted?”
“She’s gone. Maybe it was all just an act anyway. And as for giving up, why not? You have.”
“We’re not talking about me.”
“Perhaps we should. You won’t fight for what you want, just like me.”
“You don’t know what I want.”
She turned to him, her eyes blazing. “You want a perfect world where good kids don’t go to jail and mothers never die. How is that working out for you?”
“Stop.”
She opened the car door, kicking it with her foot. “Before you go lecturing me about fighting for what I want, you’d better take a good look in the mirror because you gave up a long time ago.”