Lawless Love

by Rosanne Bittner

  He came closer again. He knelt down beside the bed.

  “All right. I’ll do anything you want, just so you don’t cry, Mandy. I can’t stand to see you cry.” He reached out and touched the bruised face, now so very hot from her sickness. “Let me hold you, Mandy. You need somebody to hold you. And I’m so damned glad I’ve found you. God, Mandy, don’t be afraid of me. This is Moses Tucker, remember? Please let me hold you.”

  “Rand Barker…said you…were just like him,” she moaned, the sobs still coming. His eyes teared more.

  “Do you believe that?”

  Their eyes held a long time, and then she slowly shook her head. “No,” she whispered. “But I’m so scared, Moss. You don’t know! You don’t know!”

  “Yes, I do, honey,” he said quietly. “But it don’t change you. Nothin’ can change the beautiful person inside of you.”

  She put her face down to the mattress and wept. Moss stood up and gently lifted her into his arms. She felt like a little child to him. She hung limp and weak and unresisting. He carried her close to the fire and sat down, holding her on his lap and keeping the blankets and his coat wrapped tightly around her. The hair that was once combed neatly into a bun at her neck now hung loose and long. She rested her head against his chest, and he caressed her hair as she sat shivering and crying. It took him a few moments to find his voice again.

  “There’s some men with me,” he told her. He felt her immediately tense up again. “It’s all right, Mandy. They’re good men, all of them. They’ve ridden with me day and night, wantin’ to find you just as much as I did. I reckon they’ll be along any minute, and we’ll decide what to do with you. We’ll sit here by the fire and wait. There’s not much I can do till they get here.” He sighed and kissed her hair.

  How strange it felt to be held so gently by this man who had minutes ago killed a man ruthlessly and without feeling. And even more strange that it should seem so comforting to rest her head against the broad chest and feel comforted by his arms, when minutes earlier the thought of a man touching her brought on nausea. How could there be such a difference in men? Wasn’t Moses Tucker also an outlaw? There was so much about him that she didn’t know. Perhaps she never would. As the pain in her chest increased and her breathing became more labored, she didn’t doubt that she would die in the next day or two.

  She heard horses coming, men’s voice. She gripped the front of his buckskin shirt.

  “It’s all right, Mandy. It’s just the men who are helpin’ me. Nobody’s gonna hurt you again, honey.”

  His voice sounded distant. Again her mind began to float in a world removed from the present. The door opened, and she shrunk closer to Moses Tucker as men’s voices were now nearby.

  “Looks like somebody out there run into Moss Tucker,” somebody was saying. “You want us to leave him or bury him, Moss?”

  “Leave him,” came the cold reply.

  “You found the woman then,” an older man’s voice said. It was very close, and someone brushed the hair back from her face. “Looks like they used her for a punching bag.”

  “Looks like that’s not all they used her for,” came the reply, a voice strained and cracked. It was Moss.

  “Sorry, Moss,” someone else spoke up. “What do you want to do with her?”

  “She’s sick,” came the voice of the man who held her. “Bad sick. She begged me to take her out of here, and I promised her I would. Is there anyplace nearby we could take her?”

  “Slim Taggart’s, about five miles east of here,” someone spoke up. “He’s settled now. Has a ranch and a good woman—married Willie Tanner. Puts us up sometimes. He’d take her, and Willie would be glad to help. You know Willie, Moss. She’s a good-hearted woman. Fact is, I expect the little lady there wouldn’t mind seein’ another woman anyway. I reckon she’s kind of tired of lookin’ at men.”

  “I reckon,” Moss replied. “Fix up a travois, and bring me all the blankets you can. We’ll wrap her up good, slit open the mattress there, put her right inside it, and strap that to the travois. The feathers around all them blankets ought to keep her good and warm until we get her to Taggart’s. I just hope she makes it that far.”

  “She’ll make it, Moss. Didn’t I tell you she was a strong one?” Lonnie replied.

  Moss’s arms tightened around her. “We’d best move quick. She needs help.”

  “Sure, Moss. What about Barker?”

  “Barker won’t see many more sunrises,” came the cold reply. “And he’s still got that cross. Soon as she’s out of danger, we’re goin’ on. I’m gonna blow Barker’s guts out, and Sollit Weber’s! And I’m gonna get that cross back for her if I die doin’ it!”

  “We’re all with you, Moss. Let’s go fix up that travois, boys.”

  “Sorry, Moss,” somebody else said. “At least you found her alive.”

  “I’m obliged to all of you for comin’ along to help like you have. I can’t pay you back.”

  “No need to. Not in a case like this.”

  Someone went out and the door closed. The older man nearby spoke up.

  “She’s a pretty lady, Moss. Even with them bruises and all, real pretty. I hope it all works out.”

  “Thanks, Pappy,” came the choked voice. “The main thing now is to keep her alive. She don’t sound like she’s breathin’ good. I don’t know what I’ll do if she goes and dies on me.”

  “You keep her warm. I’ll go get some water. With that fever she ought to drink a lot of water quick. She’ll dehydrate.”

  “Yeah, Pappy. Go get some water.”

  More footsteps. The door opened and closed again.

  “Don’t you go and die on me, Mandy,” came the whispered voice near her ear. “Not now. Not now that I’ve found you.”

  “I knew you’d come,” she wanted to say. But the words wouldn’t come. It was too hard just to breathe.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Amanda opened her eyes to see a fire softly burning in a nearby stone fireplace. The wood made little crackling sounds, and it was warm and comforting. Moss sat nearby, unaware that she was watching him. She made no sound at first, wanting to gather her thoughts. Her memories were vague. She closed her eyes again and felt a black coldness sweep through her at the cloudy recollection of Rand Barker. Perhaps it was good that she had been too sick to remember it all clearly. And then there had been the terrible cold and hunger, and the pain from the rape and beating, and from her own illness. And then Duke Sage! She made a little whimpering sound at the thought of that horrible man standing in the doorway, and Moss immediately turned to look at her.

  “Mandy!” he said softly, standing up and coming to her bedside. He sat down cautiously on the bed and reached out to touch her forehead. “You finally back in the real world?” he asked with a gentle smile. “Your fever seems to be gone.”

  She just stared at him a moment. Moss had come! Yes. Moss had come and killed Duke Sage before…

  “You’re alive!” she whispered.

  He smiled and took her hand. “Takes a hell of a lot to put down an old cuss like me, honey. That bullet went clean through and nicked a rib, but that’s all. As far as my head, it’s hard as a stone, although I’ve had some headaches the last few days that made me think maybe I’d be better off dead. But the thought of havin’ to find you, that helped keep my mind off myself. The question now is you. How do you feel, Mandy? You had me mighty scared.”

  “I’m…not sure,” she replied in a weak voice. She tried to move and groaned with pain, her body still sore from Rand Barker’s beating. She lay still again and realized she was in a large, soft, fourposter bed. She felt clean, and she could smell a lovely, lilac scent that seemed to be coming from her. She took her arms out from under the quilts and touched the long sleeves of a soft, flannel nightgown that did not belong to her. She looked at Moss curiously.

  “Oh, that belongs to Willie. Wilena Taggart. Her and Slim Taggart own this place. That’s their bed you’re in. Me and Willie have b
een watchin’ over you, forcin’ food down your throat when you didn’t even know what was goin’ on.”

  She began to redden and her eyes filled with tears, and he knew what was going through her mind.

  “You were a real sick girl, Mandy. And hurt bad besides. And I care about you. When a man cares about somebody, he don’t think about anything but helpin’ that person. That’s all that matters. Do you think I’d have got out of bed before I was supposed to, and rode night and day—hardly eatin’ or sleepin’, searchin’ like I did—if I didn’t care?”

  Her body jerked in a sob, and she put a hand over her face.

  “God, Mandy, don’t do that,” he said softly, squeezing her hand. “You remember what I told you once about the different ways a man looks at a woman? Willie needed help with you, so I helped. That’s all. I helped her ’cause—’cause I care so much for you, Mandy. And I was so scared you was gonna die on me. And the worst part was it was all my fault. I’ll never live down lettin’ a man get the better of me like Sollit Weber did. Never. I’m so sorry, Mandy. So damned sorry! I reckon I hate myself more than you ever will.”

  “No, no,” she choked out. “I don’t hate you, Moss. I was…so afraid he’d…killed you. You were so…kind to watch after me in the first place. You…hardly know me.”

  “A man don’t need to know a woman like you very long to care about her. I wish you wouldn’t cry, Mandy.”

  “I can’t…help it! They were so…ugly! So mean and ugly!” Her sobbing heightened and he frowned with concern. “They…touched me!”

  He stood up and leaned over her.

  “You gotta calm down and not think about it, honey. It’s over now.”

  “No! No! Not in my mind! They…took my clothes. I was so…cold! Rand Barker was…angry with me. All of them…so cruel and ugly—”

  “Mandy, don’t.”

  Her body was shaking violently now. He reached down and scooped her up in his arms, blankets and all. He pulled her onto his lap and held her tightly; and he was somehow very different from the men who had given her the awful memories. His arms were hard and strong, yet they held her as gently as though she were china. How secure and safe they made her feel!

  “Rand Barker…took me to that…cabin—”

  “Be still, Mandy,” he told her, gently stroking the hair that hung long and thick down her back. His arms tightened around her, and with her head against his chest, she could not see the tears in his eyes, but his voice was choked with compassion.

  “He never touched you, Amanda Boone. You understand me? A woman can’t be touched unless she’s willin’ to be touched. And she can’t give nothin’ away unless she’s willin’ to give it away. And till that happens, then it still belongs to her. Everything: her body, her soul, her heart. It belongs to just her. And that God of yours, he’d never hold you liable, nor would any man.”

  “I don’t…have a God any more,” she whimpered.

  “Aw, Mandy, don’t you talk like that. Not you.”

  The door to the room opened a crack.

  “I thought I heard voices. Is she all right, Moss?” a woman’s voice asked.

  “I think her fever’s gone,” he spoke up. “You think you could fix up some soup or somethin’ for her?”

  “Sure. I’ll be right back.”

  Amanda’s tears subsided somewhat, but Moss continued to hold her.

  “Time will heal everything for you, Mandy,” he told her. “You’re too special, too sweet and lovely and too full of love, to let this change you. Don’t let that happen, honey. ’Cause if you do, then Rand Barker will have won. Even when he dies by my hands, he’ll have won. ’Cause he’ll have beat you down and turned you away from your God and all that love that’s inside of you.”

  She turned her face to look up into his. How gentle his eyes were. How handsome his face was. And how strange to be held in the arms of this man who had killed Duke Sage so savagely. Her mind raced with confusion. How different he was from the others. How could men be so different? And how could this man have killed Duke Sage and then turned around and handled her so gently, his eyes so full of softness and love. Yes, love. It was there, written all over his face. How sad to see that love. For she could never return it, not now.

  “What do you mean…when he dies?” she asked in a near whisper.

  He reached over to the dresser for a handkerchief that lay on top of it. He gently wiped the tears from her eyes, himself frowning.

  “This deal’s not over yet,” he told her, the eyes suddenly turning colder. “There’s vengeance to be had, and they’ve still got the crucifix. Me and the boys that are along with me, we’ve all just been waitin’ to see if you’d make it. Now that you’re better, I’ll be leavin’ out soon, Mandy. Rand Barker and Sollit Weber have to die by my hands, else I’d go crazy with a need for revenge.”

  “No!” she whimpered, grasping the front of his shirt. “That’s what he wants you to do! That’s why he—why he…”

  She dropped her eyes, and began to shake again. She put her head against his chest again.

  “That boy Dean Taylor…he accused Barker…of being afraid of you,” she choked out. “So Barker called him out…and shot him…and then he—he wanted to prove to the others he wasn’t afraid of you or what you’d do if he…hurt me. That’s why he—”

  “No more, Mandy. Don’t you be thinkin’ on it no more. He’s gonna die, and I’ll get the crucifix back, and I’ll get you to that mission in California. And by God, nobody will ever hurt you again ever! Not ever!”

  “But…he’ll kill you! He’s so…fast, Moss! So fast!”

  “Well, I’m faster. I’ve already beat him once, only my bullet didn’t kill him. That’s too bad. This time I aim to make sure he don’t ever hurt somebody again like he hurt you. And that pink-faced, smilin’ Sollit Weber won’t be smilin’ when Moss Tucker gets done with him, neither.”

  His mention of having shot it out with Rand Barker once before reminded her that the man who held her now had once been an outlaw himself. Perhaps he even still was. And Barker had told her Moss was just like the others. But how could that be? Not Moses Tucker. Yet the thought of his mysterious past now frightened her, and he felt her stiffen in his arms. She looked up at him again, and he put a big hand to the side of her face.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you with my talk, Mandy.”

  Their eyes held.

  “Tell me,” she whispered.

  “Tell you what?”

  “Tell me you—you were never like them.”

  He frowned and did not reply right away. His eyes filled with remorse, and he suddenly looked like a little boy who had done something wrong and was very sorry.

  “No, Mandy,” he said quietly. “I was never like that. But I came close. And before I head out after Barker I—I want to tell you somethin’ about myself, about why I was goin’ to California. Because if I don’t come back, there’s somethin’ I want you to do for me. I don’t have anybody else I can ask, and maybe that’s why your God led you and me together. Maybe it was supposed to be this way. Now you understand evil and I have somebody that maybe can help me, and both of us—we’ve had a crazy kind of friendship, haven’t we?”

  He smiled softly, but his eyes were full of fear that perhaps she would turn against him. It was much the same look he’d given her back at the restaurant when someone had recognized him.

  “I love you, Mandy,” he told her, not knowing himself why he had suddenly blurted it out. It was as though someone else had made him say it. But she looked so small and helpless there in his arms. How he wished he could make love to her and show her how sweet and good it could be. She reddened and closed her eyes.

  “Don’t say that,” she whispered. “I can’t love you. Not now.”

  “You’re no different than you were a week ago,” he told her. “No different. But even without that, I’d not expect you to love me back, ’cause you’re one fine lady. Me—I’m nothing, and probably never will be. I only
ask one thing in return, Mandy. Just one.”

  She opened her eyes and looked at him curiously.

  “I—I have a little girl in California,” he told her quietly. For a brief moment she forgot all her other problems. She was amazed that this man had a child!

  “She’s—she’s got no ma now. I was goin’ out there to get her settled someplace. I just want your promise that if I don’t come back, you’ll go on out there when you’re well and see she gets to that mission where you was going. I already wrote a letter givin’ my permission, and I have an address where you can find her. Will you do that, Mandy?”

  “Of course,” she replied without hesitation. “But you’ve got to explain, Moss.”

  “I will.” He stood up and laid her on the bed, tucking the blankets in around her. She studied him. He wore the buckskins she’d imagined him in when she first met him, and he looked every bit the mountain man, just like the men of the West she’d read about.

  “First I want you to get some more rest. Willie will be in here soon. I’ll feed you and you can sleep a while again. Then we’ll talk and I’ll introduce you to the men who are gonna help me find Barker.”

  “Were they all…there…when you found me?” she asked, turning scarlet and her eyes tearing again. She vaguely remembered her filthy and unclothed condition when Moss had barged in just as Duke Sage was preparing to give her the same horrible, humiliating pain that Rand Barker had given her.

  “No. Not right away.” He bent closer and stroked the hair back from her face. “They’re a damned good bunch, Mandy. I don’t know how to explain it to somebody like you. These men, most of them are outlaws, and so was I. But even outlaws have a sort of code among themselves, Mandy. And the first rule out here is a man don’t hurt and humiliate a good woman. He don’t use his strength against her. That’s cowardly, yellow, unmanly. It’s damned wrong, and what Rand Barker did—that only got him in deeper, ’cause now he’s got his own kind against him. I’m not worried about findin’ him, ’cause there’ll be more men like the ones with me who’ll be waitin’ for him down by Robber’s Roost. He can’t even ride in outlaw territory and be safe now. This kind of news travels fast. They’ll all keep Barker trapped and runnin’ in all directions till I can come for him. They all know they’d best save him for me.”