You Were My Crush: Till You Said You Love Me!

by Durjoy Datta

  ‘I should have never come here. I said this was wrong, didn’t I?’

  ‘Why is this wrong? This is perfect.’

  ‘This is wrong, Benoy. I don’t do this. I don’t kiss guys I hardly know.’ Her voice was desperate now.

  ‘I didn’t mean to kiss you. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.’

  ‘I know you didn’t mean to, Benoy. It’s my fault. It’s because of me. I kissed you back,’ she said and began to leave. ‘You don’t have to apologize. I led you into believing there was something between us.’

  ‘Can we at least talk about it?’

  ‘There is nothing to talk about. Can I go?’

  I blocked her way. Her silence and her words, both affected me profoundly.

  ‘I am sorry. I didn’t mean to kiss you, but I thought—’ I said.

  ‘Yes, I wanted to kiss you as well. And that’s what’s wrong, Benoy. Now, please let me go. I can deal with this myself. Please leave me alone.’

  ‘But, Shaina, I love you. I don’t see what’s wrong in this,’ I said, feeling betrayed.

  ‘We don’t love each other, Benoy. I don’t even know what on earth I am doing here!’

  ‘No, Shaina—’ I said, but she was in no mood to listen. Fuck.

  ‘Didi was right. I should not have called you. It’s my fault, Benoy, seriously.’ She came close and talked softly. ‘You are not to blame. You are too nice, and I fell for it, even though I shouldn’t have. Who wouldn’t?’

  ‘But you and I, it seems so right, doesn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t know. I just don’t want this to go any further. I cannot do this. Please don’t make it any tougher than it already is, Benoy. Please don’t ask any questions. I don’t have any answers to give you.’

  ‘Is it Manoj?’ I don’t know why I asked that.

  ‘I said no questions, Benoy,’ she said and left the house.

  She was crying as she walked away. I knew that image of her leaving my house would haunt me for a long time to come. I went back to the couch and ran my hands over where she had sat. I could still smell her there. I felt dizzy and terrible.

  I wondered where I had gone wrong. I played the last half an hour again in my head. But, even if we kissed, what was the big deal? I loved her, and I told her that. And she only had good things to say about me. Where have I gone wrong? Do I not deserve her?

  I kept calling her, and she kept rejecting my calls. I sent across a million texts, but she did not reply. Maybe, she was dating Manoj, that old creep. If she were, why couldn’t she just tell me that.

  I had to take a few vodka shots that day to put me to sleep. As I was falling asleep, I wished I would wake up and it would all be a nasty nightmare.

  It was not a nightmare; it was happening for real. I woke up the next day, two hours too late and my head hurt. There were missed calls and unread texts from Diya. She wanted to meet. Nothing from Shaina. I called her again. There was no answer. This was real. And it hurt.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  ‘What the fuck, Benoy? It’s already three!’ Diya shouted at me as I walked up to her.

  She did not look pleased at all. I was supposed to meet Diya at one in the afternoon in Saket and shop for our internship clothes. She told me there was no one else she could go out with. She had noticed my absence from her life recently. My phone was always busy. I was always out with friends and hardly ever available. I had been avoiding her calls; talking to her made me feel guiltier.

  Just as I had left my place to meet Diya, I had received a text from Shaina.

  Benoy, I need some time alone. I need to figure things out.

  Please don’t text me or call me for the time being.

  She could take as much time as she wanted to come and fall right back in love with me. That was what I was concerned about. Shaina needs some time to think, that’s all, I reminded myself.

  ‘I am sorry, Diya! I got stuck somewhere,’ I said.

  ‘You are too busy these days. Where do we go first?’

  ‘Umm, Zara?’

  She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the outlet. As she pulled me towards the shop, I wondered if things would have been easier if I had kept Diya in the loop since the very beginning.

  ‘Isn’t this like too tight? I look like an elephant in tights.’

  ‘This is what everyone wears these days, Diya,’ I said. ‘And you look hot. Stop wearing clothes that aunties wear.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘If not for anyone else, you can dress up for Eshaan!’ I argued; both of them were doing their internship at BMR Advisors.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, after we were done overhauling her wardrobe.

  ‘What? Thank you? You’re my best friend! I can do that for you.’

  ‘Okay, listen, Benoy. I talked to someone from LinkedIn who’s studying without a scholarship at LSE. I have inboxed you his mail id. You can ask him any questions that you have,’ she told me. I had expressed interest in going to LSE with her, but I hadn’t done anything about it yet.

  ‘Diya? That’s two years away. Why would I need to talk to him now?’

  ‘I just felt that you desperately wanted to go,’ she said sadly.

  ‘Aw! I really do. Okay, you know what, I have already talked to Dad about it and he will ask people around.’

  ‘You did?’ she asked and smiled.

  ‘Yes. I did. I know you will fail your exams there without me. I know how much you need me!’ I said, and hugged her.

  Hungry and tired, we went to Khan Market to have lunch. I did not say much on the way; I was tired since I had not slept the night before. I toyed with the idea of telling her about Shaina; it seemed like the only option.

  As I parked my car, my phone beeped. It was a text from Shaina.

  Benoy, I am sorry. We can’t be in touch any more. Please don’t call or text me. Please understand. This is my last text. Take care. Best of luck in life. I am sorry.

  As we went about choosing a place, my head hurt. My hands trembled and I wanted to call her. My stomach felt strange and it seemed I was falling sick.

  ‘What happened?’ Diya asked. ‘You seem strange. Is everything okay?’

  I nodded.

  We sat down to eat and I was yet to say anything. She kept asking but I could not form the sentences in my head. I was dazed. I read Shaina’s message repeatedly. Finally, I gathered some courage and spoke up. I needed somebody I could talk to regarding Shaina.

  ‘Umm, Diya, I need to tell you something.’

  ‘Tell me?’

  ‘Promise me you won’t freak out and will first listen to everything I say.’

  ‘Sure.’

  I started to narrate everything that had happened between Shaina and me in the past few weeks. She sat motionless as I told her everything, leaving nothing out. I tried to convince her that Shaina meant the world to me and that this was not any fling, and that I was not a fling sort of a guy; her face gave nothing away, and I didn’t know if she believed me. I showed her the text Shaina had just sent me. As she finished reading it, tears rolled down her cheeks. She said nothing. She just looked away like her sister always did whenever she had to smile. Or cry.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I need some time alone.’

  ‘I can explain things, Diya.’

  ‘Just fuck off, Benoy,’ she said, got up and stormed off.

  I ran after her, trying to calm her, but she wouldn’t listen. I followed her to the metro station. She kept crying silently even as she boarded the metro.

  ‘But at least say something!’ I said, as she disappeared inside the metro.

  Twice in two days, I had seen people I loved truly cry and walk all over me and away. They will come back, I told myself. I was sure that they would be sorry some day. Diya would beg me to accompany her to LSE. And Shaina would ask me to kiss her again.

  Everything will be all right, I said to myself.

  I drove back home with nothing to look forward to. I checked my phone rep
eatedly. No texts. No missed calls. I started to call both the sisters incessantly, hoping to make them understand.

  Diya was not replying to my messages. But she finally answered my call.

  ‘At least say something, Diya,’ I said. ‘I said I’m sorry.’

  ‘There is nothing to say, Benoy.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to hide it. But you were so—’

  ‘Let it be. I don’t want any explanations,’ she grumbled.

  ‘But—’

  ‘Benoy, just don’t call me. I need to talk to my sister. I will get back to you.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Don’t call me unless I do. I don’t want you anywhere near me,’ she said and cut the line. I did not want her to fight with Shaina because of me, but clearly, it was going to happen. Hours passed by, I did not hear a single word from either of them. I was nervous and it was almost two when Diya finally called me—her voice stern, her words straightforward.

  ‘Hi, Benoy.’

  ‘Hi, Diya. Look, I am sorry … but—’

  ‘You don’t have to be. I told you I love my sister way too much and I would never let anything happen to her,’ she said.

  ‘I would—’

  ‘Just listen, Benoy. I do not know what you feel for my sister. And I really don’t know what she feels for you. I talked to her about it and she is not sure about you. It’s better that you two don’t talk,’ she said, very coldly. ‘I hope you listen this time.’ It reminded me of the day when she first talked to me—cold, heartless, ruthless.

  ‘At least let me talk to her once.’

  ‘Benoy? There is something else, too, that you need to know.’

  ‘What is it?’ I asked.

  ‘Shaina has been seeing a guy for the last two years.’

  ‘What? She is seeing someone? Who? Manoj?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But she never told me about that!’ I protested.

  ‘She never told me either, Benoy,’ she snapped. ‘She told Manoj about you and they broke up.’

  ‘So that’s good, right, Diya? I really like your sister. I really do, trust me.’

  ‘NOTHING IS RIGHT, BENOY!’ she shouted. ‘Manoj came with his parents to our place. He told my parents everything about their two-year-old relationship. Dad thrashed Shaina till she almost passed out. I was there, Mom was there. Dad even accused me of being a part of it. It was Manoj who stopped Dad and told him that he wanted to marry Shaina.’

  ‘What did your parents say?’ I asked, my heart thumping in my chest.

  ‘They like him. I told you what they are like, Benoy. They are already fixing dates for her engagement. They don’t want people to know that Shaina was in a relationship. You have no idea how my relatives will react,’ she said.

  ‘What? How can they do this? I need to talk to Shaina. Please understand, Diya. I really need to talk to her. Can I please do that?’ I begged.

  ‘Shaina is sitting right next to me and she doesn’t want to talk to you,’ Diya explained.

  Every word, every sentence felt like death, permanent and damaging. I shuddered to think what Shaina had gone through for me.

  ‘But what do I do now?’ I asked her.

  ‘I don’t know. That’s for you to handle, Benoy. Please leave us alone and go away. That’s the least you can do. Please don’t screw us up more,’ she said, her voice cracking.

  ‘Can I at least talk to her?’ I begged.

  ‘No, BENOY! You can’t!’ she growled. ‘Don’t make it worse for Shaina and me. Manoj is a nice guy and he loves her. Please leave us ALONE! And don’t ever call here again.’

  Silence.

  She had disconnected the call. All was lost. There was no silver lining; it wasn’t one of Shaina’s poems; I wasn’t getting a second chance; I wasn’t the magical puppy with broken legs, but with glittery wings. My fairy tale had hit a road block, a dead end; the fondness, the softness of her touch, the warm hugs, the stolen glances—all of it was a lie, a mirage, a trick to deceive me. I started writing, hoping to put together in words what I felt, like Shaina used to, and I wrote it down. It didn’t make me feel any better.

  I didn’t know what went wrong, what made her walk away.

  I tried to figure out, but nothing she would say,

  For my questions pestered her, my tears made her embarrassed.

  I never wanted to be a priority, but a little love was all I expected.

  I still kept giving, giving, day in and out.

  But all went in vain, when all she beheld were doubts.

  Doubts of an uncertain tomorrow, so she told me, ‘I have to go.’

  My dreams, my wishes, my love were shattered in a single blow.

  I stood by the balcony, looking into the thin air.

  I clung on to her picture, crying silently so that no one saw.

  All I begged of my fate, was a sight of her.

  Occupied with things important, she had moved on well in life.

  It was never tough for her, for I was another man by her side.

  She thought I must be over her by then; least was she aware that I died each day.

  I moved out, I had forgotten how it felt being loved.

  I sought a place to pour my heart out, I looked below and above.

  When saw no place to confine, saw no place to cry my heart out,

  I kept walking towards a dead end, against the fate I had enough fought.

  I reached the valley, stood there high, saw down the abyss and looked behind.

  When saw no one who would call me back, I let my body be taken down by the wind.

  They located my body amidst the woods, with a note in my hand clutched tight.

  And a picture of her in my hand.

  It read, ‘I will love you till I die,

  don’t let her know of my death,

  She might live life in guilt.

  Just tell her I went to a place afar,

  And though I loved her still.’

  I stood there while they laid my corpse; a kid asked me who he was

  I told him ‘a part of me’.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  My internship had started and it had been two days since I had been going to the office. Since I literally owned the place, I really had nothing to do, and I remembered the time Diya had asked me to take the internship seriously, but I had no motivation to do so now. My days were a gigantic mess, cluttered with thoughts and memories of Shaina and Diya, all of them painful.

  I sat in my seat and could not decide whether to call up Dad or Shaina, and while Shaina, I knew, would not ever pick up my call, Dad would be dying to receive my call. I called up Dad. It felt somewhat stupid to explain what had happened.

  ‘Hello?’ I said.

  ‘Hi, Benoy, everything going fine in office?’

  ‘Yes, yes. I needed to talk to you about something else.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘I was wondering if I could come to your office.’

  He said he would be in my office in another two hours or so. As I leaned back into my chair, I wondered how the conversation would go.

  ‘I know we haven’t talked in the last two decades, but I really love this girl and it’s all screwed up and I want you to straighten this out.’

  Or,

  ‘The girl I really like is kind of getting engaged, so can you please talk to her parents and ask her to cancel it because I am in love with her. The girl? Yeah, she’s not sure about me. I think she doesn’t think I’m worth ending her two-year-long relationship or fighting with her parents.’

  There was a knock on the door. It had not even been an hour and I saw Dad standing outside looking like a high-profile lawyer from a sitcom in his sharply cut suit and shiny black shoes. Not a sidekick, but the main guy. I was proud of him. The anger I had for him had slowly melted away after I had seen the contents of the envelope, and though I hadn’t talked to him about it, I was sure he knew I had forgiven him.

  ‘Hey,’ he said and pulled up a chair. ‘
How do you find your new office?’

  ‘It’s a little more than I deserve,’ I said.

  ‘So? What did you want to talk to me about?’ he asked.

  ‘Umm. There is this girl …’

  ‘Shaina?’

  ‘How do you know?’ I asked. ‘Oh right. You know everything about me. What else do you know? Did you tap my phones? Did you tap hers?’

  ‘Should I have tapped hers?’ he asked, leaning forward, a twinkle in his eyes, like he was about to snap his fingers and it would be done, no questions asked. God! He was cool.

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ I said.

  Then I started speaking, and he hung on to every word as I narrated the entire story. Dad nodded his head from time to time and asked questions about Shaina and Diya, almost like making a timeline of events in his head.

  ‘So? You want me to talk to their parents? I can do that,’ he said. ‘She doesn’t have to get engaged right now. It’s too early for her.’

  ‘But what would you say?’ I asked.

  ‘I will say whatever you want me to say,’ he answered.

  ‘I will let you know,’ I murmured. ‘All of this is so confusing. I don’t even know if Shaina wants me.’

  ‘Of course she wants you. Who wouldn’t want my son? Look at you. You’re handsome and intelligent. I don’t think she can do better than you. It will be okay,’ he assured me.

  I smiled at him. He talked to me about work and office and told me that I could take as much time as I wanted to settle down.

  ‘I have a really boring meeting with the lawyers. Can I see you later?’ he asked.

  ‘Yeah, sure. I will be right here, doing nothing,’ I said.

  ‘Cheer up, Benoy. It will be okay. She will come running after you!’ he said and winked. He left for the meeting.

  Later that evening, I lost it and broke down. The hurt was almost physical and I didn’t know what I had to do to make it all go away. My head hurt, and I felt like dying, like, literally dying. I thought of drinking myself to sleep but it would come back the next day. This loss was permanent; it was never going away. I panicked. Thinking of Manoj and Shaina made me want to kill somebody.