You Were My Crush: Till You Said You Love Me!

by Durjoy Datta

  ‘It wasn’t a mistake. I had never been surer about anything. And I didn’t even know about Manoj. You didn’t think it was important for me to know?’

  ‘I didn’t want to. And it was a mistake telling you anything. I did not want this. He forgave me once; he will not do that again. I really need to go.’ Her voice was calm, frosty.

  ‘What if this is meant to be and not what you have with Manoj?’

  ‘You hardly know me, Benoy. Manoj and I have known each other for five years now. We are in love. He is right for me. Moreover, my parents are involved now. It’s too late for everything.’

  I looked for signs that might tell me that she was lying. She looked straight at me with those big, brown eyes, and no matter how hard I stared, I didn’t see compassion or empathy for what I was going through.

  ‘I don’t want to lose him,’ she declared.

  ‘So you regret whatever happened between us?’ I asked her.

  ‘Yes, I do. I wish nothing had happened. I wish I could undo everything. I need to go, Benoy,’ she said, looking nervously at her phone.

  ‘You can’t just go like that,’ I begged, now desperate.

  ‘I don’t have to answer everything. And please, I don’t want to hear from you ever again.’

  She got up from her seat and picked up her handbag to leave.

  ‘Shaina,’ I said, ‘at all the times I said to you that I loved you, I had been truer than I had ever been in my entire life.’

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said and left, running out of the door of the cafe, on to the street and into an autorickshaw. I thought I saw her crying.

  I kept sitting in the cafe and waited for Diya. I felt stupid. I was twenty and I was crying my heart out for a girl when most guys looked for an easy lay, someone good in bed, someone easy to bed.

  Diya and I sat there and she said everything that could have made me feel better, but nothing worked.

  ‘There is no point in this, Benoy,’ Diya said. ‘I wish I could do something for you. You will find many nice girls, Benoy. Just—’

  ‘I am not looking for anyone else. And I don’t care about what she said or what she did, I still love her. I will be okay, Diya.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say. But I think my sister missed out on the best guy ever. I can’t believe I couldn’t help you out,’ she said apologetically.

  ‘Don’t be hard on yourself,’ I said and she hugged me.

  I dropped her home, and after half an hour of absentminded driving, I reached Dad’s office. The entire office was empty and the only lights on were in his cabin at the corner of the floor. It was Saturday night after all. He had nowhere to go to and neither did I.

  ‘Still working?’ I said as I got inside. ‘Hmm. The whole office is empty.’

  ‘Oh, not really!’ he said and flipped the laptop down.

  ‘I have nothing to do. Everyone out there has someone to go back home to. This is home for me,’ he said. ‘So, what happened today?’

  ‘Shaina made it very clear that she wanted to be with him. And she doesn’t want to be around me.’

  ‘And what did you say?’

  ‘I had nothing to say! What could I have? I literally had to beg her to talk to me. As much as I love her, it was really, you know, humiliating.’

  ‘Benoy? Did your mom ever tell you how I got her?’

  ‘We never really talked about the two of you,’ I said.

  ‘Hmm. I guessed that,’ he said and started to narrate. ‘I saw her at the community Durga Puja. My grandparents approached your mother’s parents with the proposal and they rejected it outright. I was into business and no one appreciated that. Everyone wanted an engineer or a government servant.

  ‘I wasn’t even a graduate while your mother was already teaching in a college. I started stalking your mom and she even complained to my parents but I was obstinate. I really wanted her. Slowly, my business grew and her parents relented. But even before they agreed, I knew she was in love with me.’

  ‘That’s quite a story,’ I said.

  ‘But, it didn’t work out as I wanted it to. Work had become such an obsession for me. I worked day and night even after I married your mom. I thought I was doing all this for the two of you,’ he said and added after a pregnant pause, ‘but I was just doing it for myself.’

  ‘Mom told me that.’

  ‘I have rued everything that I have ever done since. Except your mother’s fading days. I tried convincing her to let me talk to you, but she never agreed. She never wanted me near you. She said I had made you cry enough already.’

  ‘I don’t remember,’ I said.

  ‘You were small then, and you never used to see me for months on end. I was like a total stranger to you. You used to be fonder of Deb’s dad than me,’ he said. ‘Anyway, what do you know about this guy Manoj? I am not too convinced about him!’

  ‘As in? I know nothing about him,’ I said. ‘What do you plan to do? Please don’t screw it up more than it already is!’

  ‘Give me a few days, I will find out everything there is to know about him—where he works, his vices, loans, anything. Let’s have him followed for a few days and find something wrong about him. We make conditions so bad for him that he breaks up with her. Whatever works,’ Dad said.

  ‘You’re scaring me now. How often have you done this?’

  ‘Not very often.’ He laughed. He looked wicked with his salt-and-pepper slick hair, his black suit and tie, the British accent and that evil grin on his face.

  ‘I don’t think we should do it. She told me that she loves him. Why deprive her of that?’

  ‘What if that guy is not good? There is no harm in getting to know him better. Okay, Benoy, we will do nothing, just pull some information about him and see what comes out,’ he assured me. ‘If you love Shaina that much, don’t you want to know about the guy she will spend her life with?’

  It seemed like he already knew that something was wrong with her guy. Then, I thought, What the hell, let me go through with this. I crossed my fingers and wished Manoj had a murky history. Old beaten girlfriends, drug abuse, sex offences, anything!

  Dad and I went to dinner that night. It was nice, actually. We talked about Mom, and about the times that we were a family. Despite his screw-ups on the family front, he was pretty darn awesome. He had amazing stories to tell and I could see why Mom fell for him. He was charming and suddenly I missed him for not being around all these years. It would have been nice to have a cool dad.

  Maybe I would have been a better guy had my dad been around.

  ‘I loved your mom,’ he said. ‘I would change everything if I had to live my life again. I would give up everything to be with you and your mother. That is all that matters to me. And now, you are all that matters to me.’

  I choked on my tears but I just smiled. It is great to have a family. I felt sorry for my dad that he could no longer tell my mother that he loved her. He still missed her. I missed her, too.

  I slept soundly that night.

  I wished Manoj was a serial killer. A sex offender would work fine too.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  ‘Incredible!’ Eshaan said.

  He looked around with his mouth wide open enough for an elephant to pass through; Diya clutched at his hand. Eshaan had asked Diya out, but she had promptly turned him down, telling him that she needed to get to LSE first, relationships could come later; they were good friends though.

  ‘I said the same thing when I saw this place for the first time,’ I said, referring to Dad’s house.

  I had shifted there. Over the last few weeks, Dad’s driver would pick up and drop me home. Slowly, I began staying at Dad’s place for a few nights in a row because we worked late. It had started being fun so I had decided to move in with Dad. It was an incredible house after all! At the last count, the mansion had five floors, uncountable bedrooms, a dozen conference rooms, two mini theatres and five gaming consoles. It seemed like he was planning to lure me into his h
ouse. And it worked.

  I had started to find peace in his company. He used to talk about all the things he had done and achieved in the course of his life, and all the places he had been to, all the people he had met with … it was all quite inspiring. The past few days brought me closer to Dad. I felt a connection. He was always there when I needed someone, he listened to me when I complained, and he never judged me. I had genuinely started liking him.

  ‘So are you going to live here?’ Diya asked.

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘But why?’ Eshaan said, ‘I thought you always liked to live alone.’

  ‘Not any more it seems.’

  ‘It seems so long since we have sat and talked,’ Diya said as Eshaan went ahead and explored the house more.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Have you been avoiding me?’

  ‘No, Diya! Why would I avoid you?’

  ‘Maybe, I remind you of her.’

  ‘You do. But you also remind me of college and our shitty professors. And, really, I do not mind even if you do remind me of her. I only smile when I think of her.’

  ‘You know how cheesy you sound when you say these things, right? If you were saying this for someone else other than my sister, I am sure I would have puked,’ she jested.

  ‘I can’t help it, Diya. Even if she is not with me, I feel her around. And that’s what keeps me happy.’

  ‘I really had never thought that I would see someone so much in love. I used to hear stories like this, but I never thought it would happen so close to me. And I feel so sorry to have misjudged you. You have no idea how bad I feel,’ she said.

  ‘I have told you before and I am telling you now. Stop blaming yourself,’ I scolded her.

  ‘I am so angry at my sister! I don’t know why she just doesn’t stand up to Dad and say she loves you!’ she said, exasperated. ‘Manoj isn’t half as good as you are. He doesn’t even know how to talk. He sits amongst us and stays shut. I don’t know what my sister sees in him!’

  ‘I am sure he keeps her happy,’ I said.

  ‘I have just seen her cry. He doesn’t even let her meet her friends. It’s so frustrating.’

  ‘That’s expected. She cheated on him; it’s okay to be a little possessive,’ I said.

  ‘A little? He doesn’t even let her meet her female friends! A few days back, she had put up a picture of hers in a skirt and he called her a prostitute! Imagine that! Who does that? They are not even engaged yet.’

  ‘Did she tell you that? He actually called her that?’ I asked.

  ‘I read their messages,’ she said. ‘He apologized, but he made her delete all the pictures! And blocked every guy friend of hers.’

  ‘Is he a caveman?’ If I were dating Shaina, I would have wanted to show off to the world that I was dating the cutest girl ever. Why would I ever block people?

  ‘So what does Shaina say about this?’ I asked and she shook her head. ‘But why? Today he’s blocking people, tomorrow he will be hitting her.’

  ‘She’s a little too deep into this. I don’t think she has the strength to fight Dad any more. And the day she came back after meeting you, she cried the entire night,’ she said. ‘I am so worried about her.’

  Eshaan came back all excited, and narrated an inventory of items the house had, most of which I had no idea about.

  ‘You can shift in with me,’ I offered Eshaan.

  ‘Are you crazy? I would never leave this house!’ he shot back.

  Manoj had proved to be squeaky clean as per my dad, but then these were things that could not be verified. If Shaina chose to be with someone who was crazy possessive about her, then who was I to stop her?

  I was just glad that college was reopening the next day and I hoped Diya would put me on an unrelenting schedule of studies and assignments and fuck-boring classes. I looked forward to the busy life. And hoped it would cure me a little. However, I had figured that would never happen.

  I had lost all hope.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  ‘C’mon, Benoy, that girl is hot,’ Diya said.

  She pointed out someone in our Career Launcher class. I had noticed her, too. Yes, she was cute. However, my definition of being cute had changed since I met Shaina. For me, she was the only cute person in the world and she defined the word for me, and she defined a lot of other words like love and forever and happiness and heartbreak and what not.

  ‘We’re just on the third question! Let’s concentrate,’ I said.

  We had attended three classes and all she could do was point out girls I could possibly hit on. This was the English class, so I could still tolerate her, but she was even doing it in the mathematics class, and it was irritating.

  ‘No, Diya, I liked no one!’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes, I am sure! And stop worrying about me so much. You can see that I am fine now. I am over her.’

  ‘Okay, I am getting late. I should go now,’ she said. Manoj’s parents were coming over to her place that day; it was a pre-engagement ritual and Diya was already late for it. I was sure that by that time Shaina would have already got ready in some elegant-looking ethnic wear. Diya told me Shaina had decided on a bright red sari.

  ‘Do you want me to drop you?’

  ‘No, I will be fine. Will you be okay?’ she asked.

  ‘I will be fine. Now go! Or you will be late. I can’t believe she’s getting engaged today. Wish her luck.’

  ‘She’s not getting engaged today. We are just calling pandits over and they will choose an auspicious date within the next month,’ she clarified.

  ‘Same thing,’ I answered.

  I hugged her and saw her off.

  This function was just the beginning of it; in a few days she would get engaged, and then maybe get married after a year or two; I was screwed. Diya had tried convincing her parents against getting Shaina engaged so soon, but her parents did not budge. They felt their daughter had disgraced them and they wanted to arrive at an engagement date sooner than soon. They came from a very conservative community and the news of a girl’s affair travelled far and wide in a matter of days. A roka, or a formal union like an engagement, was the only way they could have stopped people from talking dirty about their daughter. Shaina had not said anything.

  I drove my way back home, knowing well that Dad must have made an elaborate plan to straighten out my mood. Dad, too, had made some major changes. He had sold off some of his businesses so that he had more time to spend with me. A little late in the day, but I guessed he did not want to screw up the second time around.

  We had started drinking together, and what is better to soothe broken relationships than a couple of beers every day? We drank like tankers that day. Usually Dad stopped me after a few beers, but that day, he just let me drink till I knocked myself out.

  Till the time I hadn’t passed out, I had to try hard to keep back my tears every time I imagined Shaina in her bright red, exquisite ethnic wear, in a ceremony with someone else.

  I knew the pain would never go.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  The next day, my head hurt; I found myself tucked inside a blanket on the couch where I must have passed out the night before. My phone had a few missed calls and I looked around to see if my dad was there. He was not. He is probably sleeping, I thought. I got up groggily and brushed my teeth. I came back and picked up my cell phone.

  Within ten seconds, I was wide awake and staring at the screen; it was like someone had punched me in the stomach. There were thirteen missed calls from Shaina and two texts asking me to call her as soon as possible.

  My heart raced, and I daydreamed that she had called it off and had run away from her home, or maybe she had managed to convince her parents. My hands trembled as I made that call, hoping to find a frantic and apologetic Shaina on the other side, dying to get back with me. Blood rushed through my veins, my face flushed and felt warm as I could not hold back my excitement. I paced around the room and hoped for good n
ews on the other side of the phone. I was hopeful.

  The first call. No answer. Probably Shaina is busy explaining to everybody why she wants to call it off.

  The second call. No answer. Probably Diya is telling her how right she is in her decision.

  The third call. No answer. Probably they are discussing how to tackle me and how to tell me that they are sorry.

  The fourth call. She cut the call. And then my phone beeped. It was a text from Shaina. I read the text. Once aloud, and once in my head, just to make sure …

  Reach AIIMS hospital as soon as possible.

  My heart beat faster than it already was, but I was scared now. I took a few deep breaths and leaned against the door. Hospital?

  On my way to the hospital I wondered if Dad had got Manoj beaten up, and that was why they had called me. But he wouldn’t do that without asking me. Even if he did get Manoj beaten up, I didn’t feel sorry for him.

  I checked for a familiar name or a surname in the admissions register. The nurse noticed me losing it, and helped me out; she checked the registers herself and told me Ms Gupta was admitted in the ICU. It wasn’t Manoj who was hurt.

  Shaina Gupta? Diya Gupta? Or their mom?

  I walked briskly towards the stairs, struggling to stay in control. The corridors were crowded with people and doctors ambling around. A few men were sleeping on the floor, some waited outside closed doors, crying and sobbing. I tried to think the best I could. Once I reached the second floor, I ran uncontrollably towards the operation theatre. I spotted Shaina in a bright red sari, her face buried in her palms, crying softly; I was relieved to see she was all right. I looked for Diya and her mom but couldn’t find either one of them.

  ‘What happened?’ I asked as I went up to Shaina. I resisted an urge to hug her. Seeing her cry was just wrong.

  ‘Diya …’ she said. Her voice trailed off. I saw other people standing at a distance. A woman was crying uncontrollably in a corner with two women who tried to console her while they cried too. A couple of men were talking animatedly in the corner.