Words Left Unsaid

by Missy Johnson

  “Okay.” She’s right. The last thing I need is for Tilly to be jumping to the wrong conclusions. “So where do we go from here?”

  “Now, I'll organize the mediation with Heather's lawyer. I’ll try to make that for as soon as possible so we can sort this out. Don't expect much from that, though. That way if there is a good outcome, it’s a bonus that you're not counting on it.”

  I nod. That sounds reasonable.

  We stand up.

  “Thanks so much for seeing me. I really appreciate it,” I say, shaking her hand.

  “I’m happy to help—and just so you know, I'm very competitive. I hate losing.” She gives me a wink as she shows us the door. We thank her again and walk outside and over to the elevator.

  “How do you feel now?” Max asks as we step out into the fresh air of the street.

  I wrap my arms around my waist and shrug. “Better then when I went in there, I think,” I say with a smile. All things considered, I'm feeling pretty good. “Her confidence about their lack of a case makes me confident, if that makes sense.”

  “Of course it does,” he says with a wink. “Can I tempt you into dinner? Just as friends, of course,” he adds quickly

  “I would love to, but I have a little girl waiting for me who I haven't seen since yesterday morning, and I miss her terribly. I think I need some mommy and daughter time,” I say with a grin.

  “And that's why you’re such a wonderful mother,” he teases.

  I roll my eyes and give him a little shove. Was that a compliment?

  “You can come over after she's in bed if you like,” I suggest. My face heats as the words fly out of my mouth. Sometimes I wish I had more filter.

  His eyes light up and he nods, making it clear it’s too late for me to retract my offer. “Sounds like a plan. Text me when the coast is clear.”

  After I leave Max, I go over to Ellie’s to pick up Tilly. It's almost six by the time I get there. Ellie answers the door and ushers me inside.

  “Till’s just finished her dinner. Have you eaten?” she asks.

  “No.” I blush. “Max asked me out to dinner, but I felt bad that I haven't seen Tilly in so long. Speaking of which…Tilly,” I call out. I sink into one of the seats surrounding the dining table as my little girl bounds in, throwing her arms around me.

  “Mommy!” she squeals. “We ate L‘sunga for dinner and I’m teaching Cassie how to play my Dora game.”

  “You’re such a good girl,” I say, ruffling her hair. Her mispronunciation of words is so cute. “Go and play for a few more minutes and then I’ll take you home, okay?”

  She nods and gives me a kiss before sprinting out of the room.

  “So how did it go?” Ellie cuts in.

  I turn my attention back to her. “Okay, I guess.” I shrug. I wish I knew what to think. “The lawyer was really nice and she thinks that Heather doesn't stand a chance. I guess that's a good thing.”

  “And Max went with you?” she says, her eyes glistening and a little hint of a smile on her lips.

  “Yes, he went with me. You knew he was going with me,” I remind her, my voice dry.

  “Hmm,” she says, lifting her eyebrows.

  I ignore whatever it is she is insinuating.

  “You were there for a while?”

  “A few hours. She wanted to know everything. Pretty much the last few years of my life we went over in fine detail,” I say. I sigh, realizing how exhausted I am as she sets a plate of the lasagna and a bowl of salad in front of me. I don’t even have the energy to eat.

  “Eat,” she orders.

  I oblige, placing a forkful of lasagna in my mouth and forcing myself to chew.

  “I really want to go and visit Aidan,” I say out for nowhere. I take another mouthful of lasagna and place in my mouth.

  Ellie sits opposite me, her brow furrowed. “What's stopping you?”

  “What do you think?” I snort. “Heather. I don't trust myself seeing her. I know I'll say something I’ll regret.”

  “Maybe she needs to hear that,” Ellie says, her tone serious. “Kee, you need to do what you need to do for you. Forget about Heather. Forget everyone else and do what's best for you. If going to see Aiden’s going to make you feel better, then just do it.”

  Easier said than done. I frown into my food and roll the fork around my plate until Ellie snaps it out of my hand. Sighing, I look up at her.

  “I wish it were that easy.” I push the plate away from me and run my hands through my hair. “It's just complicated. I don't even know what to say to Aidan anymore when I visit him. It's like every time I go there it's the same thing. Does it make me a bad person that going there to see him depresses me? I’m at the point where I hate it.” I bury my face in my hands, not quite believing I’m actually saying these words.

  “Of course it doesn't. It’s natural. Of course you’re going to feel like that. He’s not the same man that you fell in love with, and you need to stop putting yourself down.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Have you spoken to the doctors?”

  “Not recently. I know nothing's changed.”

  Ellie nods. “Yeah, but maybe they can give some insight into how this move by Heather is going to affect his condition? Might help your case and the way you’re feeling.”

  “That's a good point. Maybe I’ll go there tomorrow,” I mutter.

  Standing up, I go in to check on Tilly. She’s curled up asleep on the couch. A wave of guilt hits me. This was supposed to be about us spending some time together. I pick her up and cradle her in my arms, an overwhelming sense of love hitting me.

  Everything I do is for this tiny little person right here.

  She's my whole world, and I’ll do whatever I need to do in order to protect her.

  After saying goodbye to Ellie, I carry Tilly out to the car and secure her into her seat. She stirs, but doesn't wake up. We arrive home and I carefully lift her out of her seat and carry her to bed, tucking her in. For thirty minutes I just sit there and watch her sleep, taking everything in: the way she smiles, the way her face scrunches up when she reaches up to scratch her little nose. I lean over and kiss her gently on the forehead.

  “I love you,” I whisper softly.

  She mumbles something incoherent and rolls over.

  I could sit here all night and watch her, and in fact I've done it before. After Aidan's accident I spent many nights not sleeping, where I would just sit in here with Tilly as she slept. In a way it was the only thing that could comfort me. Seeing things were still so innocent and sweet for her gave me something to cling to.

  It gave me hope.

  Eventually, I leave her room and wander back out into the kitchen. I pour myself a wine and text Max. It's nearing ten o'clock, probably too late for him to come over, but part of me really wants to see him. I'm too exhausted to try and analyze what it means when he replies right away, saying he's on his way.

  Less than twenty minutes later, he's on my doorstep holding a bottle of wine and wearing a cocky grin. I laugh at him and gesture for him to come inside. He throws me a look and my heart starts racing as I take in his lopsided smile.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “It took you…” I look at my watch and then back up at him, “…seventeen minutes to get here. What, were you just sitting by your phone waiting for me to text?” I tease, losing myself in his sparkling eyes.

  He rolls his eyes. “I happened to be ready when you called so I was able to leave right away. I didn't realize that was such a big deal.”

  He smirks as I lead him into the living room, where he throws his jacket down on the sofa.

  “Do you have some wine glasses?” he asks, holding up the bottle.

  I nod and point toward the kitchen. “The top cupboard above the sink.”

  He disappears in there, and returns a few moments later carrying two wineglasses.

  “Just half a glass for me,” I say as he pours the sparkling emerald liquid into the glasses. “And aren’t y
ou working tomorrow?” I ask, cocking an eyebrow.

  He chuckles and sits down on the couch next to me. I smile, my heart pounding out of control with his close proximity. Is being around him ever going to get easier? I have no idea why this feels so awkward all of a sudden—wait, yes I do. It probably has something to do with the fact that he came over here at ten p.m., after spending most of the day with me. I'm sick of trying to figure out what we are. As if reading my mind, he flashes me a grin.

  “So, this is nice and comfortable,” he jokes.

  “What did you think about Kaitlin?” I ask, desperate to steer the conversation away from where it’s headed.

  He shrugs. “She seems nice. She knows what she's doing—that's always a bonus. And the fact that Jim recommended her…I think you've got nothing to worry about.” His eyes penetrate me as he studies my face. “Surely you'd rather talk about something other than the case after the day you’ve had,” he adds, amused.

  He’s right—the last thing I want to do is go over everything again. I’d do anything to get my mind off this whole mess for even just a few seconds.

  “Why not let yourself be distracted for a while?” he asks.

  My eyes widen as I give him a look. My face heats as his mouth turns into a wide grin. I can’t believe my mind just went there.

  “Whatever you’re thinking, that's not what I meant,” he chuckles. “Tell me something about you. Something I don't know.”

  “Like what?” I ask, my tone clueless.

  “I don't know. What was the last thing you did that was spontaneous and crazy and totally out of your comfort zone?” he presses.

  “Invite a strange guy over my house at ten in the evening?” I say, biting my lip. “Or going on a blind date I had no idea I was on?”

  He laughs. “If that's the best you can do, then we have a serious problem.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?” I protest, laughing. “Are you calling me boring, Max?”

  “No. Far from it.” His expression softens. “I'm not making fun of you. I’m just trying to point out that you’re still so young. Your life should be full of mistakes and situations you’ve learned from.”

  “Two things: First, I have a five-year-old child. When was the last time you tried to do anything with a kid?” I raise my eyebrows at him, but don’t wait for an answer. “Second, you don’t think most of my life has been situations I’ve had to learn and adapt to?”

  “There’s a difference between surviving and living life for fun,” he points out. “Okay, so not including anything to do with me, what were the last three things you did for yourself?” He pauses for a moment. “Or more to the point, how long ago were they?”

  I think about this question for much longer than I need to, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of being right.

  They all involved Aidan. Shit. Has it been that long since I’ve done something for me? He gives me a knowing smile. I hate that I don't even have to say the answer for him to know what I'm thinking.

  “I'm not suggesting you go skydiving tomorrow. I’m just trying push you to do something for you each day.”

  “And what about you, Mr. Motivational Speaker? When was the last time you did something totally out of the comfort zone?”

  “You mean apart from moving halfway across the country? Or maybe it was taking the principal's job at my age, knowing how much flak I would get for it? Look, I'm not saying I'm perfect. Hell, there’s plenty of things wrong with me, and if you haven't figured that out already I’m sure you will.”

  It’s late when Max finally leaves, and I’m wrecked. Apart from my catnap in the afternoon, I’ve been awake for about twenty-eight hours. I’m too old for this all-nighter shit. My body can’t handle it.

  I send Ellie a text to thank her for looking after Tilly, accidentally letting it slip that Max was here. Seconds later my phone rings.

  “I want all the details,” she demands. I laugh and sink down onto the sofa. “Come-on, Kee, don’t hold out on me.”

  “There’s nothing to tell,” I protest. “He came over and we had a good night. I like him, El. I’m just taking it one day at a time.”

  “I’m so proud of you,” Ellie gushes. “Just the fact that you’re giving this a chance…it makes me all warm and bubbly inside.”

  I laugh. Typical Ellie has gone all mushy on me.

  “Don’t get carried away, we’re just…I don’t know what we are,” I admit. “But thank you. I guess without your pushy little attitude I wouldn’t have gotten this far.”

  “Ha, I’ll remind you of that next time you accuse me of butting into your life,” she says triumphantly.

  “I’m sure you will,” I giggle.

  We chat for a few more minutes until I’m nearly falling asleep.

  After ending the call, I take another shower, this time hoping the hot water will relax me. Afterward, I climb into bed and snuggle underneath the covers. I lie there in the darkness and think about Max. My heart races whenever a picture of him appears in my mind. There are so many things about the guy that I like, and nothing that I would change. The more time I spend with him, the more I want to. My thoughts drift to Aiden and I sigh, regret tugging at my heart.

  Will I ever stop feeling guilty?

  For so long I wished things could be back the way they were. I’ve spent most of my life looking behind me and never forward. For the first time in forever I can see a future without Aiden, and I’m scared.

  Because once I take this step I can’t go back.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Max

  “Jesus, Max, what is it about this woman that gets to you?” Kelly says, glaring at me. “Her first day on the job and she can’t make it? How is that in any way acceptable? Mr. Mattich—”

  “Kelly, I appreciate your feedback, but unless you have the full story I’d rather you not comment. Kiara informed me the day she accepted the position that she was unable start until tomorrow, Thursday.”

  Kelly’s mouth drops open, but she doesn’t say anything.

  That wasn’t entirely true. The first I learned that she couldn’t come in was late last night when she texted me. Apparently Kaitlin needed to meet with her urgently.

  “Still,” Kelly mutters, her face red. She flips her long, blond hair over her shoulder and pouts at me. “It is a little unprofessional.”

  Maybe it is, but what Kiara is going through at the moment is more important than any job.

  As soon as the door is closed behind her, I’m on the phone with Kiara, keen to see what the latest is. She answers right away, sounding stressed.

  “Is everything okay?” I ask, concerned, knowing it isn’t.

  “Hey, I'm fine. Just tired. I’ve been here all day and it feels like we're going over the same things. I know it's for the best and it’s what needs to be done, but it still…” Her voice trails off and she laughs. “I’ll be glad when it’s all over.”

  “So what's the plan of attack?” I ask, knowing that if this goes on to court it could drag on for years.

  “A mediation session next Tuesday, and from there if it can't be settled, it will probably end up in court.” She lets out a bitter laugh. “How can it be resolved if Heather won’t come to her fucking senses?”

  “Give it a chance. You don't know. This might be just a way to get your attention. Maybe she’ll come around,” I say.

  “Yeah, well, if she wants my attention, she's got it.” She lets out a sigh. “Anyway, how are you? Still at work?”

  “Yeah, I’m just finishing up a few things here and now and then heading home. What about you? Plans for the evening?”

  “Does collapsing into bed count?” she says. “But seriously, I want to spend some time with Tilly and maybe get some cleaning done if I can be bothered. If you want to come over, Tilly should be in bed by eight.”

  “Great,” I say, a warm buzz moving through my body. These late nights are making it hard for me to get up in the morning, but hell—if she asked me to com
e over at three in the morning, I probably would.

  When I get home, the first thing I do is walk Lance, who is standing at the door holding his leash in his mouth. I can take a hint. We go for a jog around the block and then walk down to the park, where he catches the balls I throw for him and brings them back with ease.

  After about half an hour, we had back home. I'm exhausted and on the verge of collapsing, but I know Lance has barely even started. I sit down on the couch and he bounds into my lap, almost in my face, demanding attention. He rolls onto his back as I scratch his stomach as Mr. Scruffy sits on the arm of the chair opposite, glaring at me.

  “Nice to see you too,” I say.

  He sticks his nose in the air and turns around to face the window. Ungrateful cat.

  Getting to my feet, I notice my phone is flashing with a message. It’s from Mom, asking me to call her. I wince, realizing how long it’s been since I’ve called her. I try and remember every week, but life just gets in the way. God, it has to be about a month since we last spoke.

  As I dial her number, I sit back down on the sofa. She answers right away.

  “I was wondering if I’d hear back from you,” she scolds. “I’ve been trying to get onto you for weeks. How are you?”

  “I’m fine, Mom. Sorry, things have been hectic,” I mumble, running a hand through my hair. “How are you guys?”

  “We’re good. You’re Dad works too hard and I just busy myself with shopping,” Mom laughs. “I spoke to Will. He told me you called him?” I roll my eyes at how pleased she sounds.

  “Yeah, I’m going to try and get up there to visit him over summer.”

  “Good,” she says. She hesitates before adding, “What bought that on? You two have never been that close. Not since…” Her voice trails off but I know what she was going to say. Since Tommy died.

  “Yeah, well I’m trying to fix that,” I mumble. “I gotta go, Mom. But I’ll call you soon, okay? I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she replies.

  I hang up feeling guilty. Will’s not the only person I need to make more of an effort with. I need to put the past in the past and fix things with Mom and Dad too. God, it’s been years since I had a real conversation with my father. I wouldn’t even know where to start.