by Ami Weaver
* * *
“You’re moving out today?” Lori asked. She arched a brow. “Hmm. What happened?”
“Nothing,” Callie said. The lie was ash on her tongue. “It’s just time. I’d like to get it done before he comes home.” She’d managed to avoid him this morning—or rather, he’d avoided her. He’d been gone before she’d gotten up. She’d heard him, but decided not to face him.
Call her a coward. She would fully own up to that.
Lori examined her. “The house is ready? I thought the roof and attic still needed work?”
Callie examined her station, rearranging things that were perfectly fine where they were. “Turns out I can live with that.”
Lori made a little noise and Callie met her eyes, finally. “It’s just time, Lori.” When her friend stayed quiet, she added, “We disagree over some very key things.” The memory made her heart hurt. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to have him around the boys.”
“What?” Lori drew back. “Why not?”
She wondered how to explain this. Straightforward seemed the best option. “He takes unnecessary chances.”
“Okay,” her friend said carefully. “Define unnecessary.”
Callie frowned. She shouldn’t have to. It was clear to her. “Look at him, Lori. The bikes, where his friend got hurt. The white-water rafting. He let Eli climb a tree. He does all these things that are dangerous, and that’s a bad example for the boys.”
Understanding lit Lori’s eyes. “Does he ignore the safety precautions?”
Callie drew back. Lori was supposed to be on her side. “I—well, no. Not that I know of. But the point is those things aren’t entirely safe.” Why was this clear only to her?
“Neither is driving your van every day,” Lori pointed out. “But you buckle those boys in their seats and take them anyway, right? What about your house? The tree fell on it and you could all have been inside. The point is, everything, every day, carries risk. You can’t hide from it.” Her voice softened. “And I know how hard you’ve tried, honey.”
Tears pricked Callie’s eyes. “Wanting my kids to be safe isn’t hiding,” she pointed out, feeling a little betrayed by Lori’s words. “It’s being responsible.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “It is. And you are very responsible. But you are also so wrapped up in fear that you’ve taken it way too far. You won’t let anyone in, and you won’t let the kids out. What happened to Jason was awful,” she said, her voice softer. “No one blames you for being gun-shy. No one. But you’ve got to move past the fear. Jason wouldn’t want this. He loved his job and wouldn’t have changed it, even knowing what might happen. He’d want you guys to live your lives to the fullest. That may or may not include having another man in your life, Callie—only time will tell. But sheltering your boys like you do only hurts them in the long run. Not to mention, to the kids, it makes anything you define as risky behavior even more attractive.”
Callie stood perfectly still. Lori’s words echoed Matt’s, and as it had then, the truth of them unwittingly worked its way in. “I don’t know how anymore.” The admission was wrenching. She didn’t. She hadn’t meant to lock them up in a tower away from the world. She’d only meant to be sure they were safe, and as time went on, and she’d focused so much on the risks Jason had taken, on the risks of his profession, she’d simply lost sight of the bigger picture.
But there were more risks in life than just the physical kind. The emotional ones were just as daunting. She wasn’t sure she could open up like that, and take those chances again, if the outcome might be devastation.
Then again, what if it wasn’t? There was no way to know. And living in fear wasn’t honoring the memory of her incredibly brave husband.
“You’re not wearing your rings,” Lori said suddenly. She lifted her eyes, and Callie saw the emotion in her friend’s gaze. “Callie. You took them off.”
Callie looked down at her bare hand, still feeling the loss. She’d gotten so used to them, not wearing them felt weird, but not wrong. “I decided it was time.” She stood behind that decision, even though things hadn’t worked out with Matt.
“Oh, honey.” Lori shook her head. “Does Matt know you are in love with him?”
Callie sucked in a breath as the words pinged around in her head. In. Love. With. Matt. “I’m not.” Could she be? After so long without Jason, thinking there was nothing more for her, had she gone and fallen in love with Matt?
Of course not. He was all wrong for her.
She lifted her eyes to Lori’s and saw understanding there. “You’ve got some things to figure out,” her friend said quietly. “But running away won’t change any of it.”
* * *
Callie packed up their stuff quickly and efficiently, trying not to hear Lori’s words over and over on a loop in her brain. In love with Matt. Not possible.
She forced her attention back to the task at hand. It was going to take a couple trips—the pans were unwieldy—but she’d get it all out of here in less than an hour. She was tempted to leave the key on the table, but that was the ultimate cowardly move, and while she was definitely a coward, she at least owed him the face-to-face key return after he’d put them up for so long.
She turned up the heat at her place, vacuumed up the construction dust and set up the boys’ bedroom. The tidying kept her busy and her mind off the hard kernel of pain in her chest that seemed to expand every time she thought of Matt.
Which happened with every other breath.
She hauled all her stuff home and dumped it in the newly cleaned living room. She had to head back to work, so there was no time to unpack anything, but she’d get to it when she got home after work.
The kids wouldn’t be happy, but this was for their own good, she reminded herself as she drove to the salon. Not that Matt would ever hurt them, but he wasn’t a good role model. They’d see him reveling in dangerous activities and would want to do the same. She couldn’t have that. They had to come first.
But the thoughts were hollow. Somehow, she wasn’t convinced anymore. Her plan had been so simple—keep them safe and sheltered, and keep her own heart safe and sheltered, too. Just navigate as a small family through their childhoods, until they were old enough to take care of themselves. It seemed simple enough.
Well, except life wasn’t simple, and if anyone knew that, it was Callie. She’d clung to her plan—still did, to some extent—because it let her think she had some control over things she really didn’t.
Such as her kids’ hearts. And, apparently, her own.
Tears stung her eyes. It didn’t really matter now. She’d made her choice to go it alone, and she’d make it work, but with the understanding that she’d been too simplistic. Her eyes were open now.
But something was missing. Something that had been within her grasp. Not what she’d had with Jason—not exactly. No, this was different. Something had been growing, and it’d been cut off the last couple of days when she’d realized she couldn’t take Matt as he was.
And she couldn’t change him. She wouldn’t ask; it wasn’t fair. That wasn’t how it worked.
* * *
“Wait, Mom, why are we going here?” Eli asked that evening, suspicion lacing his voice as they walked up the steps to their house. Liam dragged his feet so hard Callie had to pick him up and carry him.
“Because there’s no reason to stay over at Matt’s anymore,” she said, forcing cheer into her voice. “Ours is almost ready and our house misses us. Don’t you guys miss your room? Your own beds and all your toys?” She was playing the bribe card, no doubt about it. Sad to say, she wasn’t above it if it would smooth the transition.
“Yeah,” Eli said. “But I wanna go to Matt’s. Why can’t we take all our stuff there?”
Callie’s heart froze. She should have known they’d get attached
to him. Now they were getting hurt. Just as she’d known they would.
“Because this is our house,” she said firmly. “We live here. You can visit Matt and Aldo.” She hoped. “If they’re not too busy,” she added.
Liam started to cry, and Eli wasn’t far behind. Callie wanted to weep right with them, but it wasn’t an option. “Okay, guys, come here.” She tried to hug them, but Eli wouldn’t let her.
“You made him mad,” he accused. “You made us leave.” His voice spiraled up. “I love Matt. And I hate you!” he shouted, and ran down the hall to his room. She could hear him sobbing and wailing, and she shut her eyes. His words ripped at her heart. She wasn’t sure what was more upsetting—him loving Matt or saying he hated her.
The hate was temporary. But the love was another matter altogether. She couldn’t have that.
When she opened her eyes, Liam was looking from her to the direction of Eli’s noise in dismay. She tried to smile, but from the expression on her baby’s face she knew she’d failed miserably.
“It will be okay,” she said. Liam didn’t appear convinced, and frankly, neither was she. Standing up to go talk to Eli, she saw Matt pull in across the street. Her van was in her own driveway; the lights were on. His own house was dark. He looked from his place to hers and she figured he’d realized what had happened. Guilt and something more pooled in her stomach, turning it sour.
She kissed Liam on the head. “I’ve got to give something to Mr. Matt. I’ll be right back. Do you want to stand on the porch so you can see me?”
Liam nodded, so they both went outside.
Matt saw her and waited, but his face was a mask as she hurried up to him. Her whole body trembled, almost as if she was cold. His eyes were completely unreadable and her stomach sank. What had she expected?
“I’ve got your key,” she said, then realized she was gripping it so tightly it was biting into her skin. He held his hand out and she dropped it in his palm, her fingers shaking slightly. “Thank you for letting us stay. I—” She looked up and met his gaze, and just for a second saw the pain there, before the mask dropped back into place.
She cleared her throat and continued, her voice a little rough. “I just think it’s best we’re back home and out of your hair.”
He pocketed the key. “You’re welcome.” His voice was completely devoid of emotion and it made her wince inside. “But running away doesn’t solve anything, Callie.”
She stiffened. “I’m not running. I’m getting us out of your way.”
He just looked at her. “Sure you are.”
It started to rain then, and Callie stood there in the driveway, barely feeling the cold drops mix with the hot tears she couldn’t hold back any longer as Matt walked away from her, not looking back. She tried to ignore the feeling that she was making a horrible mistake.
* * *
She got Eli calmed down and the kids settled in. She made microwave popcorn, which was a treat, and sat with them to watch a short show on the TV she’d moved out from her bedroom. Both boys were subdued, but Eli no longer seemed angry with her. It was a start, and given how emotionally exhausted she was at the moment, she’d take it. If there were more tears tonight she thought she’d just curl up in the corner and cry herself into a little husk of misery.
Or eat a gallon of ice cream.
After tucking them into bed she sat in her own living room and just felt—sad. Empty. There was none of the relief and lightness she’d hoped to experience. Just the heavy feeling something was terribly wrong. The rain fell outside, a steady thrum on the roof and against the new window. She curled up on the couch and didn’t really see what was on the TV. She would put away their stuff tomorrow. Right now she was too exhausted even to move down the hall to her own bed.
She was afraid Eli had been right—they all were in love with Matt. And if so, she’d walked right into the trap she’d been trying so hard to avoid, and landed smack in the morass of pain she’d vowed she’d never feel again.
* * *
Matt stared out the window at Callie’s house, peering through the rain. Aldo kept padding down the hall to the empty spare bedroom and coming back out, sitting down and frowning at him as if asking, What the hell did you do?
It was a valid question, even from a dog, who was clearly smarter than he was. Matt knew exactly what he’d done. He’d scared Callie away. He’d let himself believe—just for a few days—that he could have a place in their lives, even as a friend.
Now he knew better. She was so shut down, she didn’t know which way was up, or how to get out of it if she wanted to.
He wasn’t sure she even wanted to.
He wasn’t the guy to show her, with his crazy lifestyle. He didn’t know anything else. But he did know it wasn’t good enough. Would she let him see the boys? Or had she decided he was too much of a danger to be around them at all?
His thoughts just circled and made him feel worse.
Her TV was on, but the rest of the house was dark. Was she having trouble sleeping, too? Or was she secure in her own truth that she’d done the right thing?
He thought of her stricken face when he’d turned away from her today. No, she wasn’t. But it gave him no pleasure to know it.
He yanked his curtains closed and flopped onto the couch. Tonight would no doubt be a sleepless one. But he wasn’t going to spend it thinking about her and what had gone wrong. Nope, he was done with that. He popped open another beer and turned on a basketball game he didn’t remotely care about. Aldo made another circuit down the hall and back, then lay on the floor near him with a sigh and rolled his sad gaze up to Matt.
He knew what the old boy was feeling. He lifted the beer and toasted the dog. “It’s you and me now, boy.”
Aldo just shut his eyes.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CALLIE MANAGED TO AVOID any sight of Matt for a few days. When she told Maureen she’d moved back in her house, even with the roof and attic not quite finished—and it had taken a lot more effort than it should have to convey it as a good thing—there was the oddest of pauses.
“Why?” her mother-in-law finally asked.
Caught off guard more by her tone than the actual question, Callie scrambled for an answer. “Well, because it was time. There’s no reason not to be back here,” she stated, echoing what she’d already said. Maybe if she repeated it enough she’d believe it herself. “We needed more space.” Not just physical. Emotional. She wasn’t getting that, even with Matt across the street. She seemed to feel his presence, or lack of it, all too keenly.
So were the boys.
“There’s nothing...nothing between you and Matt?” Again with the careful tone, with the note of—what? Callie wasn’t sure. Maureen didn’t sound disapproving, but she couldn’t possibly be disappointed, could she? That didn’t make sense.
Even though she couldn’t see her, Callie shook her head vigorously. “Oh, no. Of course not,” she assured her mother-in-law, but she tasted the lie on her tongue. The real answer was yes. But since it—whatever it was—was over before it had even gotten off the ground, so to speak, she saw no reason in going there.
Maureen’s sigh was audible over the connection. “That’s too bad.”
Callie nearly dropped the phone. Whatever she’d expected to hear from her, it wasn’t that. “What? It is? Why?” Maybe she’d heard wrong.
“I can’t think of anyone who’d take better care of you and those precious boys than Matt Bowden,” Maureen said firmly. “He’s a wonderful man, and frankly, Callie, I think Jason would have approved.”
Callie stared out the window. “I—I don’t know what to say,” she admitted finally. She would never have thought that Maureen and Joe would be okay with her getting involved with another man, much less a friend of their son’s. They didn’t see it as a betrayal of his memory
?
“You don’t have to say anything, Callie. We wish—” her voice caught, then picked up speed “—we wish with all our hearts that our son was here. But he’s not. You are, and the boys are. You deserve a full and happy life. I can’t help but think—of all the places in the world Matt could have moved, it was across the street from you. I don’t think that was coincidence. I think this is Jason’s way of saying you should finally move on.”
Tears streamed down Callie’s face. She couldn’t have held them back if she’d wanted to. She heard them in Maureen’s voice, too. “Maureen. I’m just not sure.” She tipped her head up and swiped at her eyes with her free hand, to no avail. “He’s not safe. He’s such a risk taker.”
“Like Jason,” Maureen finished, and the understanding in her tone had Callie sinking in a chair.
“No. Yes.” Callie squeezed her eyes shut. “He let Eli climb a tree. He went for a bike ride and his friend got hurt, despite all their talk about not running unnecessary risks. I can’t take the chance.”
“Of what?”
“Going through this again,” Callie whispered. Was that wrong? To not want to feel that soul-sucking pain again?
“Oh, honey, there are no guarantees in life. Ever. He could be an accountant who works at home, with no contact with people whatsoever, and then fall down the stairs on his way to do laundry. Tell me this. Would you trade any of the time you had with Jason? Even if you’d known how it would end?”
“Of course not.” She wouldn’t trade one second of any of it.
“Then I have to ask, why are you fighting it with Matt? Why run the risk—and it is a big one you are taking, Callie—of being alone, with no one, for the sake of not getting hurt? Is being lonely worth it? I can’t tell you what to do. Maybe it wouldn’t work out anyway, but I saw how he looked at you. And,” she added softly, “I saw how you looked at him. Are you in love with him, Callie?”
Callie pressed her hand to her mouth, the tears starting afresh. She knew it was true. Knew it was foolish to deny it anymore.