by Ami Weaver
Maureen continued. “Don’t say anything now. But think about it. I believe you owe it to yourself to think it through. Just so you know, Joe and I will support you whatever road you take in the future. We love you and want you to be happy. We know that could—should—involve a relationship with another man. We don’t get to pick him for you, Callie, but if we could, it’d be Matt.”
Callie hung up feeling as if she’d been run over by a semi. Twice. She hadn’t been looking for Maureen’s blessing, but felt a lightening in her heart to know that her in-laws were behind her and would honor her and her choices.
She’d been blind. In so many ways.
And yes, she was in love with Matt.
She sank onto the floor. Oh, God.
Did he love her, too? Could she put her heart on the line after how hard she’d tried to push him away? Did she have a choice?
The answer to that was easy. Of course she had a choice. There was always a choice. She could continue to hide and run, and pull her unwilling kids along in her wake, or she could stand up and face these fears and maybe get some semblance of her life back.
It’d never be the same. It wouldn’t be the life she’d planned. But to get a second chance at something like this was precious, and she needed to make sure she didn’t waste it.
Now all she had to do was convince Matt.
* * *
The next day dragged. Callie was pretty sure the clock even stopped a few times, just to aggravate her. She thought she might get whiplash from glancing at it almost constantly. She wasn’t completely sure what she was more nervous about: realizing what her feelings were, wondering how Matt felt or deciding that she needed to tell him.
It all added up to a potent brew of sheer raw nerves in her belly.
But she had so much to say to him, and knew she had to talk to him. She owed him, after her behavior earlier. Besides, she couldn’t go on in the half-life of loving him and hiding from him. And her kids needed this settled, as well, however it worked out. She and Matt were adults and could act accordingly.
It was a huge risk, putting her heart out there. But the potential rewards were sweet, and life changing for her and the boys. She already knew, even if it all fell through, that she was strong enough to survive.
She hadn’t said anything to them yet, wanting to be sure... Well, wanting to be sure. If it didn’t work out, she didn’t want them to be crushed. Maureen hadn’t sounded surprised that morning when Callie had called and asked if she and Joe could take the boys overnight. Her mother-in-law had sounded overjoyed when she’d said they’d be delighted to, even though Callie hadn’t said why she needed them to. She hadn’t been able to say the words. It was still too private. And maybe it was a way to protect herself in case it all went wrong.
Callie hoped now, several hours later, that Maureen’s optimism wasn’t unfounded.
Lori smiled at her when they were finally closing up. “Even though you keep denying it, I know you are up to something, girl. Spill. Is it Matt? Did you come to your senses?”
Her blunt assessment made Callie laugh, then just as quickly sober up again. “I don’t know. I’ve decided that I need to talk to him, because what I did and how I handled things wasn’t right. Or rational. And he didn’t deserve it. How it will go is anyone’s guess.” She tried to smile, but the butterflies were growing bigger by the minute.
Lori pulled her in for a tight hug. “So you’re going to go for it. Good for you. You deserve this, honey. Let me know how it goes.” She added a wink as she pulled back. “On Monday, after a weekend of making up with him, of course.”
Callie laughed again, but Lori’s words brought up a memory of Matt kissing her, and her body gave an unconscious little shiver. Yes, she’d like that. Very much.
She got into her van, but didn’t head right home. She’d let Colleen know she’d be a few minutes late. There was something she had to do before she went any further.
Callie pulled into the cemetery and parked. She took a deep breath and got out. The walk to Jason’s grave wasn’t far.
She paused on the windswept hill, her eyes on the granite marker in front of her. “Jason Joseph Marshall,” read the stone, with his dates inscribed as well.
“Loving son, husband, father.”
He’d been all that, and so much more. And now she needed to let part of him go. Callie stood there, head bowed against the wind, eyes damp, but feeling a slowly growing sense of peace.
She hadn’t asked any questions, but had her answer.
“Thank you,” she whispered to the wind, and kissed her fingers, pressing them to the headstone, letting them linger on the cold granite. “I’ll always love you. And our boys will know you. I promise.”
She turned and walked back to her car. The rest of her life began now.
* * *
The boys were happy to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s again. Since Maureen and Joe were going to treat them to dinner at a restaurant, Callie didn’t feed them on the way. In the parking lot, she kissed and hugged them, and then Maureen and Joe, too.
“Good luck,” Maureen whispered. “He’s a smart boy. He’ll understand.”
“I hope so,” she murmured.
The drive back home seemed to take twice as long as the trip there. By the time she arrived, she was shaking and ready to just go hide with that gallon of ice cream she kept threatening herself with.
If he turned her down, she’d go get a carton of rocky road. Tonight. And she’d eat the whole thing.
Not really heartened by that particular prospect, she pulled in her driveway. His house was still dark. She’d noticed he wasn’t coming home as early as he had when she and the boys were there, and wondered if he was trying to avoid her, too.
Of course he was. After what she’d done to him? She didn’t blame him.
She let herself into the house, turned on a couple lights. She couldn’t possibly eat, she was so nervous. She tried to do some cleaning, but kept staring out the window at Matt’s house. This was so important. What if she screwed it up?
She gave up trying to do anything, and paced around her living room, rehearsing out loud what she wanted to say. Making sure she hit all the points, that she got it right. So she’d sound smooth, not incoherent and nervous.
Which she was. Terribly.
Finally he pulled into his driveway. She slipped her shoes on and was halfway out the door when another car pulled in behind him. She faltered on the steps, ready to go back into her house. But when Matt turned, she knew he saw her standing there. Even from across the street, his pain mirrored hers, and was nearly palpable. She lifted a hand, and he said something to the occupants of the car—Marley had gotten out—and strode over to Callie. She watched him come, his long stride, his erect bearing indicating his military history, and those intense ice-blue eyes fixed on her as if she were his prey.
Oh, my. It made her joints go liquid.
She seemed to be frozen to the spot, but as he approached she managed to unstick herself enough to make it down the stairs. He stopped just out of her reach, but close enough she could catch his scent. And see the wariness in his gaze. She wanted to curl into him, tell him she was sorry.
“Everything okay?” he asked, and his voice made her nerves trip.
She could only stare at him, drink him in. God, how she loved him. He must have seen something in her face, because he moved a little closer.
“Callie?”
“No,” she blurted, all her carefully rehearsed words falling away. She couldn’t have remembered them if her life depended on it. She had to make him see, and quickly, before she lost him forever. “It’s not okay. I’m not okay.”
He caught her arms and the worry was intense on his face. “Where are the boys? Callie, what’s happened?”
She laid her hands lightly o
n his chest and felt the pounding of his heart under her palms. She was making a total mess of this. “The boys are fine. What happened is I came to my senses.” She dropped her hands and stepped back. If he didn’t want her, she was going to let him walk away. If she wasn’t touching him, she wouldn’t be tempted to hold on to him. To beg him to stay. Goodness, it seemed she had no pride.
He folded his arms across his chest and his arms brushed hers in the process. His expression was still carefully guarded. “About what?”
She peered up at him. It was now or never. She took a deep breath and plunged in. “You were right. About me, I mean. My—fears.” His expression softened just a touch, but he didn’t say anything. She swallowed and forged on. “I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. After Jason died, there was so much pain. So. Much. Pain. I couldn’t go through that again. But I kind of shut everything down. It worked for a time, while Eli was little, too. But now—” she took another breath “—now it’s not. You showed up and I realized I want—I deserve—more. My kids do, too. A chance to live my life. I want you in it. I’ve fallen in love with you,” she said, and laid it all on the line. “I didn’t mean to, but I did.” There. She’d said it all. It was up to him now.
He reached out and caught her arm. His gaze was intent on hers, but she couldn’t read it. “Say that again.”
She blinked. “Um, I didn’t mean to?”
He shook his head and moved closer. “No. The part before that.”
Before that? Oh. Hope bubbled up, just a bit. “I love you.” The words were a little soft, so she cleared her throat. “I love you,” she repeated, louder, firmly. Wanting him to believe it. Needing him to believe it, especially since she’d made things so difficult for all of them, including her poor kids.
Matt moved a little closer, still holding her gaze, and her breath caught. “Even with my risky job? Despite the possibility that I might get hurt? And you can’t control that?”
She swallowed hard but didn’t look away. She didn’t blame him for his skepticism. “Even with that, Matt.” She couldn’t help it. She reached up and touched his face, felt the rasp of his five o’clock shadow under her fingers. “I was scared. And you were right, I was—am—trying to control everything. And I can’t. I’m going to need some help with that. It won’t go away overnight. But I’m not scared of you, or what we could have. But I understand if you don’t feel it, too. I’d like you in the boys’ life either way, if we can manage it.” Her hope fizzled, fell right into a yawning pit in her stomach, when he didn’t say anything back. “Okay. Well.” She managed a little laugh. Had she misread why he’d wanted her to repeat those three little words? “I guess I’ll, um, go back inside now.” One carton of rocky road, coming up.
He had her in his arms, and his mouth on hers in a hungry, possessive kiss right there in the driveway, before she could even turn around. For a heartbeat she was startled, then she wound her arms around him, opened to him and kissed him back with every ounce of passion and emotion she had. She wanted to show him, make him feel, how much she loved him. If this was all he had for her, she’d take it.
When he pulled away, there were cheers in the background, and Callie blinked, only then remembering they had an audience. It was Marley and Brice, who were, Callie discovered when she peeked around Matt, leaning up against the trunk of their car, clearly enjoying the show. Marley gave her a double thumbs-up. Matt didn’t even turn around.
“I love you, too,” he said, his voice rough and emotion shining in his eyes. “You and those boys.”
Oh. Oh. “Really? Even though I’m a little neurotic?”
He chuckled and pressed a light kiss to her mouth. “Not without reason. But yes, even with that.” He turned serious. “I’m sorry I pushed you over Eli being in the tree. That was wrong.”
She shook her head and fisted his shirt in her hand, then smoothed it down, the hardness of his chest contrasting with the softness of the cloth. She wanted to pinch herself, make sure this was real. “I needed it. It was so hard to see what I was doing. I was just so focused on not letting anything happen I lost sight of everything else.” She wasn’t proud of it.
“I’m still sorry.” He lifted her chin with his fingers and pressed a light kiss to her mouth. “Where are the boys?”
She swallowed. “With Jason’s parents. They—you should know, they approve of this. Maureen basically told me I’d be stupid to let you go.”
Matt let out a big laugh. “Remind me to thank her when I see her next.” He pulled Callie close. “We’re getting an even bigger audience. Should we go inside?”
A glance around showed Colleen on her porch. The other woman gave a little wave and a big grin. Callie felt her cheeks heat. “Oh. Oh, no.”
“Your place or mine?” Matt’s tone was teasing, but his eyes were serious.
She hesitated, mindful of what might happen as they worked all this out. “Yours.”
From the softening in his eyes, she knew he understood.
“All right.” He swept her up into his arms and she gave a little squeak and threw her arms around his neck. He was so solid, so warm—and all hers.
“Matt! Put me down. I can walk,” she said, laughing.
“It’s faster this way,” he promised, and strode right past Brice and Marley. “Scram,” he told them, and Callie whacked him lightly on the shoulder.
“Be nice,” she scolded, but there was no heat in her tone.
“With pleasure,” Brice said, and Callie heard the laughter in his voice.
“Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do,” Marley called gleefully, and Callie caught her wicked grin before Matt walked up on the porch, nudged the door open with his foot and carried her through.
He set her on the couch, then sank down beside her. She curled her feet under her as Aldo came up, whole body wagging. She rubbed his head and thought he looked pleased. Maybe even just a little bit knowing.
Matt turned her face to his and she smiled, then her breath caught as she saw the depth of emotion in his eyes. “Callie,” he said softly, and picked up her hand. “Are you sure?”
She laid a palm on his face, feeling the slight rasp of his whiskers, drinking in the sight of him, so close. She’d been sure she’d lost him. “I am so sure. I love you.”
He turned his head and kissed her palm. “I love you, too.” He touched her ring finger. “It nearly killed me the other day when I saw you’d taken your rings off. And I was losing you and couldn’t do a damn thing about it.” His voice was a rasp.
She leaned into him. It had been hard on her, too. “It was the right time, you know? I couldn’t wear them while I felt what I did for you. I’m not ready—” she took a deep breath “—not quite ready to replace them just yet. I will be, Matt. I need a little more time.”
He pulled her against him, tucking her head under his chin. “I know that. We’ll go at your pace.” He hesitated. “You asked me a while ago about my fiancée. Trina.”
“I did,” she agreed, pleating his shirt with her fingers. The woman didn’t have any power over him now. Of that, Callie was certain.
His voice was a rumble under her cheek. “She told me I wasn’t capable of letting another person in. That I was completely fine on my own, I didn’t need a partner, and that was why I couldn’t fully commit to her. I started to think she was right. Not that I wanted to be alone, but I just wasn’t cut out for being part of a family. But then you and those cute kids of yours showed up and shot that theory full of holes.”
Callie levered up and kissed his chin. “You’re welcome.”
He laughed a little, then sobered. “But she was wrong. I just hadn’t met the right person yet. Because I need you. You and those boys of yours. I want to do right by you. And Jason.”
Callie sat back and slipped her hand in his. Matt’s words made her heart sing. �
��You will. We will. He’d want me to be happy, and I think it’d make him happy to know I’m with you.”
“Love is a risk,” Matt reminded her, but there were finally no shadows in his eyes, or in her heart.
“Bring it on,” she answered, and he laughed and leaned in to take her mouth. She wound her arms around him and held on tight, because this adventure was just beginning.
She couldn’t wait.
EPILOGUE
Four months later
“PULL IN HERE?” Matt asked as they kayaked toward a sandy, grassy patch off the river.
“Sure,” Callie said, and steered her kayak toward the shore. Liam sat in front of her, his chubby little hands gripping the sides of the bright yellow kayak. He’d been mesmerized by the brightly colored dragonflies darting around them, which had helped him not be so leery of the ride.
Eli waved from Matt’s kayak. He’d grown in confidence under Matt’s careful influence. They all had, really. Last summer Callie wouldn’t have put her kids on the water like this, even with the bright orange life jackets they wore. But he’d helped her work to overcome her fears, which meant that, actually, they were all much happier.
“Okay, Liam, sit tight. I’m going to get out and pull the kayak up on the sand, then I’ll help you out, okay?” She dropped a kiss on his downy brown hair as he nodded.
“’Kay, Mommy.”
She climbed out and hauled the boat up on the sand. Matt was doing the same thing. They helped the kids out and Callie went back to fetch the small cooler she’d packed with a very basic lunch. When she turned around, Matt and the boys were huddled together. Her lips curved at the sight. Matt, in a navy Out There Adventures T-shirt and colorful swim trunks, looked good enough to eat. He caught her eye and sent her a wink, then stood up and herded the boys over.
“I’ve got lunch,” she said, then stopped and frowned at their very serious expressions. “What? Are we out of bug spray or sunblock? Is someone sick?”
A glimmer of a smile touched Matt’s face as Eli shook his head and answered for the group. “No. We need to ask you a question.”