Crazy Madly Deeply

by Lily White

  Apologize? For what? Defending my sister? I’d apologize the day Hell froze over. “I’m not apologizing.”

  My dad swung again, knocking my mom aside so he could get to me. Dodging the blow, I laughed when he stumbled. He may have thought he was big and bad, but he wasn’t. Losing his balance, my dad fell to the floor, his face twisted in rage as he screamed, “Get out! You can take your freakshow ass on the road and sleep in your car for all I care! Get out of my house!”

  He didn’t have to tell me twice.

  Snatching my keys from the table, I stepped around him and headed for the front door. My mother was kneeling down beside him, my sister standing at the end of the hall watching the entire fight with tears in her eyes. I hated that I couldn’t comfort her, but if I didn’t leave now, this would only get worse.

  I winked at Deli before walking outside, a quick gesture between siblings, a silent promise that I would be fine. Her worry saturated the air around me, making life feel heavier, this moment more significant than it should have been. I didn’t understand it at that moment, but Delilah must have known this would be the end of what had been our normal. She must have intuited that what we had known and what we’d loved would be turned upside down so fast that we both would be left drowning beneath the surface of circumstances and tragedy.

  Anger has a way of blinding you to intuition, to what’s important, to what has been and what could have been.

  Slamming the door, I marched to my junker of a car, climbed into the driver’s seat and peeled out of my parent’s driveway. Fishtailing as I took the turn off our street a touch too fast, I ignored the ice on the road, the slickness beneath my tires, the danger of winter’s wrath. All I cared about was getting away, getting far, and getting there as fast as the car could carry me.

  I should have known escape could never be that easy.

  I was on the main road through town, traveling over the train tracks toward the school. The twenty-four hour diner passed by, a blur of lights that were dim and drab compared to the holiday decorations tied to lampposts and strung through trees. Hitting a slick patch of ice, I almost lost control, my car spinning, my headlights flashing against the buildings and shops that were closed for the night. But it wasn’t the spin that stopped me. That mistake was easy enough to correct. It was the sputtering of my engine that locked me in place, the smoke billowing out like an omen from beneath the hood.

  My car wasn’t something I would ever call reliable.

  Pulling to the side, I threw the car in park, cussing and raging as I climbed out of the driver’s seat to kick the tires several times. The least this piece of junk could do was get me outside of Tranquil Falls far enough to hitchhike down the main highway. It was like a force field had gone up, trapping me in this town, in this life, in this miserable existence.

  Rounding the front end, I opened the hood, fanned my hands to drive the hot smoke away, and looked down at an engine that should have been replaced when I first bought this clunker.

  I didn’t know that fate was heading toward me at a speed not safe for icy roads.

  I should have looked up in time to see the headlights heading straight for me.

  I should have made a lot of different decisions that day - decisions that wouldn’t have permanently altered the entire course of my young life.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Michaela

  It’s anybody’s guess how my night ended up this way. Perhaps the decision had been taken out of my hands, the sympathy I felt for Jack’s pain and broken nose making me weaker than I should have been. I always hated the servants’ quarters, hated the streets stretched out with dark, empty houses where any type of monster could be waiting inside.

  This part of town wasn’t so bad when you first crossed over the tracks. There were still a few houses down the first street to the left where normal families lived. Delilah lived in one of those houses...and Holden.

  A sigh blew out of me, the breath a plume of white in the cold night air. Jack hadn’t taken a left down the road where the families lived after crossing the tracks. He’d kept going until reaching the parts where the neighborhood turned dark, taking a right on some other road where the houses were full of vagrants, drug dealers and squatters. He claimed he needed help because the pain of his nose was unbearable, but I knew differently. We always came here before one of his big parties, always stocked up so Clive and the rest of the team could have their fun.

  I didn’t see it as fun, but not many people care about what I have to say.

  Normally, Jack took care of this part of the evening before picking me up from my house. He knew these streets scared me, always teased that I was too much of a spoiled snob to give his friends a chance. But I didn’t think they were healthy friends to have. Their clothes always stank and their hair was always greasy. Half of them were passed out on old couches and the floor by the time we arrived here on the nights I was forced to tag along. And the ones who were still awake, who weren’t too zoned out to notice that we’d walked inside, they always stared a bit too long, their eyes reaching for places that sent chills down my spine and forced bile up my throat.

  Jack would never let them touch me, he was too possessive for that. I was his alone. His girl. His toy. His warm body that kept him entertained while the team went off into their separate bedrooms with whatever girl they’d chosen for the night.

  None of this was normal, but I wasn’t going to be the only person who spoke up. I didn’t want to be an outcast. Didn’t want to be labeled a freak. Just like they’d done to Holden.

  While sitting on a dirty couch with my arms wrapped around my abdomen and my breath beating out of me on white, puffy plumes of hot air colliding with the cold, I watched as Jack bumped fists with Jimmy Parker, a known dealer who was twenty-seven, but looked like he was in his forties. I guess that’s what drugs do to you after a while, age you as if someone had pushed the fast forward button on your life. It leaves pock marks on your face, and turns the light off behind your eyes until you’re walking death just waiting for the day your heart stops beating and your lungs can’t draw in another breath of air.

  Jimmy slid his eyes my direction, smiled to show me his brown, broken teeth. I almost gagged just to look at him. Turning my face away, I hid behind my hair, my thoughts drifting back to the fight that happened today in the cafeteria. I wanted to be mad at Holden for starting it, for pissing off the entire team and making Delilah even more of a target, but I also understood why he was angry, why he struck out at Clive.

  Delilah was a beautiful girl, both inside and out. She was just a little too sweet for the sharks that circled our school, a little too naive to keep from falling down on her ass every time someone took advantage of her. That’s why I took her under my wing as soon as she joined the dance team - to keep the other girls away from her, to keep her spirit from being crushed beneath the pressure of having to be a certain type of person to fit in. I really liked Delilah...and Holden, if I were to be honest. There was something about him that drew my attention, but it was his reputation that kept me from being his friend.

  “Hey, Michaela, I’m going to go in back with Jimmy real quick. Will you be okay out here alone?”

  Glancing around at the two drugged out losers asleep on the other couches, I shrugged in response. Jack didn’t even wait for my answer before walking off with Jimmy to leave me alone. The anger that flashed through me was nearly as forceful as the pain radiating up from my hip. He’d told me that knocking me down during the fight had been an accident, but I didn’t believe him. Jack had a habit of being a bit too forceful, just like everybody else in my life.

  A sigh blew out of me. I should have had my hip looked at while I’d been at the hospital with Jack for his nose. A dance competition was coming up in four weeks and I needed to be in shape for it. If this pain didn’t stop in time for practice next week, I’d have to make up a lie to give my mom about what happened to me. Not that the truth would cause her to do anything about it. She�
��d simply roll her eyes and tell me I’d done something wrong.

  I wanted out of this life, but I knew it would never happen. I was the princess of Tranquil Falls, the Homecoming Queen, the Prom Queen, the pretty doll my parents could dress up to flaunt in front of their perfect friends. All the girls at school wanted to be me, and all the guys wanted to be with me. It’s too bad none of them realized my entire life was a lie.

  Holden didn’t have to lie.

  I respected him for it.

  “Thanks, man! I’m sure I’ll be feeling all better in no time.” Laughter chased after Jack’s rushed voice, he and Jimmy stepping out from the dark hallway. Jack’s nose was taped up and bandaged, both his eyes swollen and dark, but it wouldn’t stop him from partying tonight. Not Jack Thorne. Never.

  “Just take it easy on the road tonight. Shit’s slippery and I don’t need you doing something stupid and getting caught with those. The last thing I need is the cops asking too many questions.”

  Jack smiled at Jimmy’s warning like it meant nothing. “I don’t fuck up, man. You know that. I’ll see you around.”

  They bumped fists and Jack inclined his head toward the front door, his silent instruction for me to follow him. I resented being bossed around, but I jumped up anyway. Following after him meant I could get away from the crusty couch.

  “You have a good night, Michaela.” Jimmy’s voice slithered behind me and when I turned to look at him from over my shoulder, he smiled again to reveal all his rotten teeth. Bile flavored the back of my tongue in response.

  “Damn, it’s cold,” Jack grumbled as soon as we were outside and exposed to the wind. “Hurry to the car.”

  Slipping on the icy concrete, I collided with the door of his car, my bruised hip screaming in pain again. Like a shot straight up my nerve endings, the pain flared then radiated out, a spreading explosion along the right side of my body. Gritting my teeth, I opened my door to climb in the passenger seat of Jack’s ridiculously priced two-seater sports car. He scared the crap out of me behind the wheel of this thing, but I had enough to worry about tonight without adding my fear of his driving on top of it.

  By the time I was shutting my door, Jack was already nestled and warm in the driver’s seat, his brown hair messy around his face and his green eyes bloodshot from whatever he’d done in the back room with Jimmy. Even with those bloodshot eyes, he was gorgeous, the most desirable senior in Tranquil Falls High. Sometimes it made my heart flutter to think that out of all of the girls, he was with me - and other times it made me want to cry. Being Jack’s girlfriend wasn’t easy.

  Reaching for my seatbelt, I tugged it down just before he grabbed my wrist to stop me. Turning to look at him in question, I saw mischief sparkle behind his eyes. He leaned over the center console to cup my cheek with his hand and kiss me, his tongue slipping inside my mouth in a rushed bid for control.

  Pulling away, I smiled, “Slow down, Jack. We have all night to make out.”

  His smile matched mine, but it was a touch too wide, his white teeth a hair too big. “I can’t wait that long. I need you to do me a favor.”

  A groan escaped my throat. Needing a favor was Jack’s way of saying he wanted me to go down on him. “Not here, Jack.” I glanced around at the dark houses, knowing that in each one there was one, if not several, shady people lingering about. “This place gives me the creeps.”

  He cupped my cheek again. “You know I won’t let anybody hurt you, baby. But I need this so bad. It’ll only take a second. I can’t help myself when I’m around you. I’m in pain when I can’t feel those lips,” his eyes dipped down to my crotch and back up to my mouth, “or those ones wrapped around me. You do this to me, so you could at least help me out. Especially after I fought and got a broken nose for you.”

  “For me?” My eyebrows shot up, my eyes narrowing on him in disbelief. “You didn’t get in that fight for me. You were sticking up for Clive.”

  Yanking his hand away from my face, his fingers curled into his palm. Not knowing what the hell he’d taken with Jimmy, I backed up to the window as much as I could, just in case the drugs made him violent. It wasn’t anywhere near far enough to be out of reach.

  “Is that what you think? Clive can take care of himself. I jumped into that fight to help your charity case of a friend. Who knows what that freak of a brother does to her? Holden was a little too pissed off about seeing Clive touch her. Especially since Clive wasn’t doing anything she didn’t want him to do. Don’t you think it’s creepy how Holden always has his eye on her like she’s his property or something? Poor girl probably has to lock her door at night just to keep that crazy son of a bitch off her.”

  His explanation was bullshit and we both knew it, but there was no point arguing. Jack was getting angrier by the second and it would only get worse if I didn’t do him the favor he needed. My stomach rolled with anger, but I smiled anyway. The last thing I needed was for Jack to do something cruel to me at school just to teach me a lesson.

  “Fine,” I breathed out, rolling my eyes at the grin that stretched across his face. I used to love that grin, but now it rubbed me all the wrong ways. From birth, it feels like, it had been decided that Jack and I would get married. Our parents were best friends and practically owned Tranquil Falls. If I were to leave him and set out on my own path, the fallout would be enormous. I wouldn’t be surprised if my parents disowned me for breaking up with him. We were even destined for the same college after graduation.

  Jack unbuttoned his pants, and poured absolutely zero romance into grabbing my head and shoving my face into his lap. My hair flung forward and wrapped over my mouth from the quick movement. Shoving it out of the way, I ignored the welling of tears in my eyes. He wasn’t like this at first. Jack actually waited a full year before trying to have sex with me, but now that three years had passed, I was a means to an end, a plaything and nothing more.

  But, still I played. Only because it was expected of me.

  Jack was a quick blow, the throaty groan of his release filtering over my head as I sat up to wipe my lips over the sleeve of my jacket and finger brush my hair back into place. He didn’t even bother with a thank you before starting the car, the loud roar of the engine echoing through the nearly abandoned streets, the purr of the engine growing louder as he picked up speed down the main road that led through the small stretch of woods between the train tracks and the servants’ quarters.

  I breathed easier when we crossed the tracks back into the center of town, the brightly lit holiday decorations catching my eye like shooting stars as we flew past. Several times, Jack’s car swerved over a slick patch on the road, but he maneuvered over them without losing control, and I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to distract him while he drove.

  It was too bad the silence didn’t stretch longer.

  “Why aren’t you more appreciative that I stuck up for your friend?”

  Jack’s eyes darted my direction, his voice low and throaty. I pulled my gaze from the outside landscape rolling past the car to see his knuckles had turned white where he clenched the wheel, tension rising up his arms and over his shoulders. I hated it when he did drugs with Jimmy. It was always a crapshoot on whether he took uppers or downers, sometimes both. Tonight looked like an uppers night, which meant Jack could turn violent with one wrong word.

  “I don’t know what you mean?”

  Deflection. Ignorance. Confusion. They were the only weapons I had in my arsenal when Jack was becoming enraged. I should have let out a brainless giggle and twirled my hair, it might have saved me from those glossed-over eyes that narrowed in aggravation and rage.

  “You don’t know what I mean? How about when you jumped in front of me to try and stop me from knocking that thug freak out? Do you have a secret thing for Holden? Do you want to explore what it’s like being with a crazy fuck?”

  The volume of his voice ratcheted higher, his accusations becoming more disgusting and pronounced. No I didn’t have a thing for Holden...except for jea
lousy maybe, respect, or even approval. Holden may have been a freak among the students of Tranquil Falls, but he was the only person among us who genuinely didn’t care. I often wondered what it felt like to not want to fit in, wondered if the freedom that came with it was worth the stupid taunts and contemptuous pranks.

  Although the guys hated Holden, wanted to hurt him and chase him out of town, I knew the girls secretly watched him. If he weren’t so different, he would have been the hottest guy in school. Especially with those blue eyes of his, the kind of eyes that were like neon bulbs blazing out from beneath his dark hair and in contrast to his tan skin. He had the shoulders of a linebacker and the arrogant stride of a man who owned whatever space he occupied. He never cowered beneath another person’s stare, never allowed the judgment of a crowd to bend his will. But it wasn’t just his strength, both mental and physical, that made him unique. Beneath his bored expression and hypnotic stare, Holden was different in other ways.

  Lead dust always stained the side of his hand since we were kids. He sketched all the time, his pad of paper always tucked beneath his arm while a pencil was tucked behind his ear. I’d never seen any of his work, but Delilah had snapped a few pictures on her phone when I’d expressed interest. She showed me the shots in dance practice one day and I gasped aloud to see the beauty of his work.

  It wasn’t just sketches; Holden painted as well. Why he never let the public see his gift with pencils and paint was beyond my understanding. He belonged in some artsy hub of New York or another big city, not here in Tranquil Falls where he was labeled the town freak.

  As if that weren’t enough to make Holden stand out in a crowd, Delilah had also secretly recorded one other talent - Holden played guitar and could sing.

  She told me at the time that he would kill her if he found out she’d taken the video on her phone, but while I remember her saying the words, I had been too entranced by his voice to absorb what she’d said. Deep and gritty, he sang low and soft, as if his soul wanted to burst from his throat to fill a room, but he was too shy to let it.