Always on My Mind

by Susan May Warren

  Casper could still feel the heat in his veins an hour later as Raina poured out her statement. He’d stood at the window, staring out at her front yard, clenching and unclenching his fists at the image of Monte forcing himself on her, and listening to some abbreviated, G-rated version of their fight—he knew she’d cleaned it up for him.

  “I should have never let you date him,” he muttered under his breath as Kyle left and she shut the door.

  “What?”

  Casper drew in a breath. “Sorry. I realize how stupid that sounds. But I knew—I just knew—”

  “Stop.” She put her hand on his mouth, looking at him. Her lip was swollen.

  He reached out, rubbed his thumb over it. “That needs ice.”

  “So does your hand.” She lifted it, examining the bruising. “Why did you come back?”

  Oh. That.

  He opened his mouth, wanting to find an easy answer, discovering none. But maybe it was easy if he sorted through the clutter.

  “Because I’m still completely, utterly undone by you, Raina. And if you’ll let me, I want to be your family. I mean, I get that Owen will always be in our lives. He is my brother, after all. But I’ve seen Ivy and Tiger. I know that I could—will love Layla as if she’s my own. She’s a part of you, and that’s reason enough. But I—maybe I’m supposed to be in her life. Maybe that’s why I met you on the road that day, because God knew that she would need a . . .” He blew out a breath, suddenly weak. “A dad.”

  She looked at him, swallowed, the fear back in her expression. “I don’t—”

  “I get it. I really do. I know I’m not Owen—”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  He recoiled at her words. But she refused to let him, reaching for his sleeve.

  “I don’t want Owen. I want you, Casper. You’re the brother I’m in love with—have always been in love with. Owen was nothing to me. I gave my heart to you. And I never took it back.”

  It took him a second—two—to catch up, but when he did, he wove his hands behind her neck, his gaze soft in hers. “So that’s why you’re always on my mind.”

  She smiled then, reeled him in, and he had no choice but to taste that smile, capture it with his lips. Gently, as if kissing her for the first time.

  Raina.

  She surrendered into his arms like she belonged there.

  Finally.

  She kissed him sweetly, then met his eyes. “Casper, I don’t understand it, but when I’m with you, I feel . . . well, as if I’m alive. And . . . at peace. I don’t know what the word is—”

  “Beautiful? Precious? Amazing?”

  She smiled. “Found. That’s how I feel when you look at me. Found.”

  He tipped his forehead to hers. “What was it that Thor said to Aggie? ‘Every day I look to the Lord for peace, and I find it in your eyes.’”

  “‘You are His light to me,’” she said, quoting from the letter.

  Casper leaned back. “Wait one second.” He let her go. Pressed a hand to his forehead, turning away from her. “Oh, I’m an idiot. It’s been right there in front of me the entire time.”

  “What?”

  “The Bible.” He found it on the floor next to the fireplace.

  “I hit him with it,” Raina said as Casper picked it up.

  “Good. I think everyone needs to be hit by the Word of God.” He sat down, opening the cover. “I kept thinking the other night—the cover feels thicker than it should be, the binding rough.”

  He ran his hand over the back cover, then turned it on its side. “Do you have a knife, something thin and sharp?”

  She disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a fillet knife.

  Casper held the book open and began, very gently, to pry the endpaper up. “What did you mean by you’re a great cook?” He looked at her. “You’re an amazing cook.”

  Raina just smiled, and for a moment he forgot what he was doing. Then—

  “There’s something under there.” She knelt, held the book as he pried up the paper, folding back the parchment.

  And there, in a well dug out of the cover, sat folded US Steel bonds.

  Casper eased them out, counted them. “Five bonds. I’ll bet the front cover has five more.”

  She took them, stared at the papers, then at him. “You did it. Casper, you found the treasure of Duncan Rothe!”

  He set the Bible aside, on the sofa next to him, then reached out, pulling her into his lap. “Actually, I think Thor ended up with the treasure of Duncan Rothe. We just found the savings bonds he secreted away.”

  “But look—they’re written to Aggie. And I think Aggie did find them and hid them so that no one would ever know what Thor did—or why.”

  “She could have been rich, the heiress to the Franklin fortune. Why didn’t she spend the money?”

  Raina looped her arm around his neck. “Because she was already rich. She’d found the man who made her feel like she was priceless. She didn’t need the money.”

  “So are you saying she loved the man who had nothing?”

  “Aw, he didn’t have nothing. He had everything.” She lowered her voice, her eyes shiny. “He had her.”

  Casper smiled, his hand on her cheek. “He had her.”

  HE’D NEARLY MISSED the birth of his daughter.

  That thought pulsed inside Darek, relentless like a heartbeat, as he watched the neonatal doctor checking the Apgar score of his squalling little girl under the bili lights.

  What if he’d been halfway to Arizona by now? He wouldn’t have made it home in time to ride to the hospital with Ivy, wouldn’t have held his wife’s hand as the doctor performed the C-section.

  And what if something had happened to either of them? After a few hours of labor, Ivy’s pulse had dropped, along with the baby’s heartbeat, and the C-section happened so fast—

  “Darek, you look white. Breathe.” Ivy’s voice from the delivery table, where the obstetrician was stitching her up, shook him out of himself, back to the quiet concentration of the nursing staff cleaning the table, checking Ivy’s vitals, the team washing and swaddling the baby.

  And then, suddenly, from the doctor: “Darek, do you want to hold her?”

  Wait—

  But the doctor settled the flannel bundle in his arms. Tiny, old face, wrinkled, red. Wisps of dark hair, blue eyes fighting to open, failing. Her baby doll fingers played a silent tune as she reached for him. Her mouth opened, fragile lips forming unuttered words.

  Perfect.

  His chest was so full, he simply stood there, staring at her, drinking her in.

  He’d nearly missed this.

  This was God, right here, reaching down into his life, telling him to be still. To wonder. To embrace joy.

  Oh, God, I’m sorry I exchanged worship for worry. I let my fears overwhelm me instead of standing in awe of You every day.

  His eyes ached and he blinked, letting the moisture drip onto his cheek.

  “Let me see her,” Ivy said.

  “I’m sorry, of course.” He bent down to show the baby to Ivy. His wife wore a blue surgical cap, her body draped as the doctor finished his sutures. She reached over and touched the baby’s face, her fingers running along her tiny, perfect nose, her cheeks.

  The baby yawned.

  “What do we name her?” Darek asked.

  “I don’t know. I have a list at home, but we haven’t talked about it—”

  “We haven’t talked about much the past few months.”

  A nurse eased the baby from his arms. “We need to put her back under the bili lights, so she’ll spend some time in the nursery.”

  “My parents are probably here,” Darek said to the woman. “And my son will want to see his little sister.”

  The nurse set the baby in a bassinet. “When Ivy is moved to her room, we’ll bring the baby back.”

  Darek watched her wheel the bundle out, fighting the impulse to run after his daughter, pull her into his arms again.

&nbs
p; Ivy’s hand found his, squeezed.

  “We’re all done here,” the OB said, and they began removing the draping around Ivy. Darek ventured a look and spied the bandages before averting his eyes. Wow, he hadn’t remembered any of this from Tiger’s birth—his sweaty palms, the weakness that buckled his knees when the doctor whisked Ivy to the delivery room. The light-headed surrealism of holding his daughter in his arms.

  “Do you need a gurney too?” one of the nurses asked, and she didn’t look like she was kidding.

  He shook his head and took Ivy’s hand, holding it as an orderly wheeled her to a room and lifted her onto a bed. “I alerted the reception area to okay visitors, but I think my parents might be lost.” He kissed her on the forehead.

  “They’re here.” She pointed past him, and he turned to see his mother at the door.

  She carried her parka, wore worry in her eyes. “Can we come in?”

  “It’s a girl,” he said.

  Ingrid threw her arms around his neck. “A granddaughter.” She kissed his cheek, then let him go and moved to Ivy.

  His father came in behind her, caught Darek’s hand, then pulled him into a hug. “A girl. Oh, boy.”

  Darek laughed.

  “Dad!”

  John stepped away just as Tiger ran into the room, breaking free of Amelia’s hand. He launched into Darek’s arms, and Darek caught him. “You have a little sister, pal.”

  “Where is she?” Tiger looked around as if she might be lying on the floor like one of his toys.

  “Sleeping. She’ll be here soon.”

  Amelia pressed a kiss to Darek’s cheek. “Well done, Bro.”

  He heard laughing from down the hall, warm, rich, and by the time Grace and Eden reached the doorway, he knew his daughter’s name.

  To be born into this family—to share this love, this legacy—only one name seemed right.

  Grace came into the room first, saw Darek, and wrapped her arms around him. “I was worried.”

  He kissed the top of her head. “Where’s Max?”

  “On the road to Boston, the last stop in a ten-day trip. He’ll be back tomorrow night.”

  Which meant that Eden’s husband, Jace, was gone too.

  Eden followed with another hug. “I’m so proud of my big brother.” Beautiful and wise, Eden always had exactly the right word to cheer him on.

  “Where’s Casper?” Darek said. “Not that he has to drop everything and—”

  “We’re the drop-everything kind of family, Dare,” Grace said. “He’s on his way. He called about a half hour ago, said he had a surprise for us.”

  No one mentioned Owen, though they felt him in Ingrid’s sigh. But she took Ivy’s hand, smiling at her. “And when do I get to see my granddaughter?”

  Ivy rang for the nurse.

  Darek walked to the window. The hospital overlooked the thawing harbor and the blue-gray outline of ships, the aerial bridge twinkling against the velvet of night. The sun had long vanished, a crystal moon now hanging over the dark waters of Lake Superior.

  He heard the sweet sounds of his family meeting his new daughter as the nurse brought her in, and of course his mother scooped her up. “Oh, Darek,” she said, her blue eyes glistening. “She’s beautiful.” She smiled, so much pride in her eyes he might burst. “What’s her name?”

  Darek glanced at Ivy, and she frowned, just a twitch of confusion in her brow. Then he said, “I was thinking . . . Joy.”

  A slow, sweet smile slid over Ivy’s face. “Joy Ingrid Christiansen.”

  His mother’s eyes filled as she looked down at her granddaughter. “Joy. It’s perfect.”

  John cupped his big hand over Joy’s head, kissed his wife on her cheek.

  Ingrid set the baby in Ivy’s arms, and Ivy kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Welcome to the family, Joy.”

  Footsteps echoed down the hall. Darek looked up to see Casper standing at the door.

  “Is that a shiner, Casp?”

  His brother just grinned. Nodded, like, Yay, a shiner! And then Darek spotted Casper’s companion, the one holding his hand.

  He remembered Raina from last summer, of course—everyone did after the debacle with Owen. She looked older, perhaps, dressed in jeans, a blue jacket, her hair long and wavy, a tentative expression in her brown eyes. Yeah, he could admit she might be pretty enough for Casper’s unexplainable obsession.

  “Raina?” This from Grace, who flew at her, her arms closing around her. Raina, too, looked a little beat up, her lip swollen.

  Darek glanced at his father, who wore the expression he felt.

  Casper came into the room and headed for the baby, running his thumb across her cherub cheek.

  Okay, so whatever crimes Casper might have committed today, he had a soft, flannelly place in his heart for babies. His expression turned all tender and even a little sappy.

  “For cryin’ in the sink, Casper, you two look like you’ve been in a fight. What gives?” Amelia said.

  “It’s a long story,” Casper said. “And now’s not the time.” He turned to Ivy and the baby again.

  “Isn’t she sweet?” Ingrid said.

  “Miraculous,” Casper said, pressing a kiss to the baby’s forehead, a soft smile on his face.

  “Ivy, good job,” Casper said. “Bro, you came out lucky—she doesn’t have your crazy nose.”

  “Hey—”

  Darek broke off when Tiger climbed up on the chair, then onto Darek’s back, his arms around his neck.

  “So what’s her name?” Casper asked.

  “Joy,” Eden said. “Joy Ingrid Christiansen.”

  Casper leaned close, lowered his voice. “Listen, just a couple things about your father you should know. First, he’s all bark and no bite.”

  “Not true,” Darek started.

  “True!” said Grace and maybe even Amelia.

  “And second, I know all your daddy’s secrets, so when you turn sixteen and maybe one day happen to take the car without asking and accidentally wreck it, you call me first. I have the goods that will keep you out of trouble.”

  “Casper!”

  “Shh, you’ll frighten the baby,” Casper said, grinning. “You done good, Ivy Christiansen. My brother clearly doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Agreed,” Darek said. He lowered Tiger to the floor. “So what’s with the shiner, Bro?”

  Casper looked at Raina, took her hand. “How about if I order a couple pizzas. And then I have to tell you something.”

  Casper had spent two hours running the rough draft of his announcement through his head, and thankfully, the ordering and waiting for the pizza allowed him time to put words together. When the three large pizzas arrived, he forked over the cash and brought the food upstairs, Raina carrying the Cokes, plates, and napkins.

  “Are you sure now’s the right time?” she said. “With the baby and everything?”

  “They’re all here, and I’m not sure how long Grace and Eden are sticking around. I thought you’d like them here for support. Besides—” he leaned over and kissed her quickly—“it’s time we put the past behind us. I need to apologize for my behavior at the wedding. To Eden and Jace, yes, but also to everyone. I think today’s the day for new beginnings.”

  She nodded, but fear shadowed her smile.

  “Pizzas!” He entered the room. His mother helped him set up dinner, serving slices to the family. Eden rocked baby Joy as Darek arranged Tiger’s dinner on the bed table.

  Finally his mother sank into a chair, and as Grace slipped her hand into Raina’s, Casper knew it was time.

  “I love Raina.”

  That shouldn’t be a shock to any member of his family, but he paused there and let his words settle on them. He glanced at Raina, connected with her beautiful amber eyes. “I love her, and I knew that last summer, and . . . that’s why Owen and I had our fistfight. Because . . . I was jealous.”

  Darek looked at the floor. His mother’s expression betrayed compassion. His father darted a gla
nce at Raina.

  “Mom. Dad. Eden. Everyone . . . I’m so sorry I put such a black mark on Eden’s wedding day. Please forgive me.”

  Eden met his gaze. “It’s over, Casper.”

  “Thanks, Sis. But it’s not quite over yet. See, I had to also forgive, even though neither of them did anything against me. I harbored so much anger I thought it would devour me. It was always with me—this jealous thing. It followed me to Roatán, then back to Minneapolis, and finally home. I thought I had it licked, but when Raina showed up, it came to life again, prowling through me.”

  Baby Joy yawned, and Eden delivered her into Ivy’s arms.

  “And then Darek suggested I start praying for her, so I did, and . . . the short of it is, I think God kept her in my heart because He wanted us together. Because He knew that Raina . . . well, that . . .” Oh, wow, he wasn’t sure how he was going to say this.

  Raina touched his arm. Looked in his eyes, so much love in hers that words left him.

  Then, as usual, she rescued him. “Because God knew that I’d need him to raise my child.” She smiled. “Our child.”

  Silence. So thick it could descend, suffocate.

  “What are you telling us?” John said in a tone rife with suspicion.

  Oh, oops. “Raina’s not pregnant,” Casper said.

  “Then what is she talking about?” Darek said.

  Casper saw Amelia leaning against the wall, arms akimbo, looking at the floor.

  “Owen is a father.” This again from Raina, and she turned to Ingrid and John. “Owen and I . . . we had a night together and I got pregnant. I had his baby in January.”

  Casper wanted to wrap her in his arms for her courage, the way she blamed no one, simply stood in the truth.

  Then her gaze dropped to Ivy. “I had a girl and named her Layla.”

  “You named her?” Grace said and every eye turned to her.

  “You knew about this?” John asked.

  “Of course she did, John. Raina lived with her for months.” This from Ingrid, who’d risen and now came over to Raina. “Honey. Uh . . .” She frowned. “Is . . . ?”

  “I gave her up for adoption.”

  Ingrid’s mouth opened. Then closed, her hand going over it. She shook her head even as her eyes turned bright.