Always on My Mind

by Susan May Warren

  “First thing we do when I get the Rothe check is pave the lot,” Casper said.

  Raina expected protest out of Darek at the idea of taking the money from the finder’s fee Casper offered, his pride maybe getting in the way, but he simply nodded. “We could put a new roof on the lodge too. We still have some cinder damage.”

  She could still reel in disbelief at the reward distribution from Aggie’s bonds. One million nearly a century ago had multiplied to $20 million today, and 10 percent still made for a hefty, generous addition to the Evergreen purse and Casper’s own checkbook.

  Better, however, was listening to Casper regale his family with the story, every step of the mystery, and watching their faces as they realized Casper’s brilliance. Which, of course, she’d known all along.

  Casper, in his generosity, even set up an account for Raina and Layla, although she planned on keeping her job at the antique shop, at least part-time.

  And sure, Monte had shown up, tried to claim the bonds as his, but Penny Townsend shut him down so fast it would have made her grandmother cheer from the grave.

  Monte vanished from Deep Haven then, and Raina hadn’t seen him since.

  Darek kissed his sleeping wife on the forehead, then went over to Eden.

  The doorbell chimed, deep and resonant, and Casper took Raina’s hand.

  “I’ll get it,” Grace said, heading to the door. Raina couldn’t help but start to follow.

  She stopped as Dori came in, holding a baby carrier. The social worker handed it to Grace. “Sorry. The drive took longer than I thought.”

  But Raina had forgotten her, watching as Grace brought in her daughter. Layla lay asleep, strapped in and dressed in pink, her head covered by a bunny hat with fuzzy white ears.

  Grace set the carrier down, and Raina knelt before it, began to undo the straps.

  Layla woke, yawned, her perfect little mouth sideways. She stretched, her back arching as Raina took her out and held her to her shoulder.

  “She’ll probably be hungry soon,” Dori said, handing Grace a baby bag. “There’s some formula in there, along with fresh diapers.”

  Layla began to fuss, wriggling in Raina’s arms, tiny snorts and hiccups of unhappiness coming from her body. Suddenly she lit out in a howl.

  “Oh!” Raina held her as she struggled, Layla’s body writhing as she worked herself into a lather.

  On the sofa, Ivy stirred, and from across the room, Joy began to mimic Layla.

  Raina glanced at Casper. See? What was she thinking—?

  Suddenly Ingrid’s hand landed on her shoulder. “Just tuck her in close and bounce her a little. Babies like that.” She kissed Layla on the forehead even as Raina tried not to give in to the urge to pass her off. “I’ll fix her bottle.”

  Raina turned Layla in her arms, swaying her body back and forth, walking to the window. Please, don’t cry. Don’t cry.

  She could hear Dori behind her, talking to Casper and the family, discovering Raina’s plans. How she might move into cabin one to be close to the family and child care, but separate, at least until Casper returned from finding Owen.

  He left that last part out when talking to Dori, but she knew that as soon as she and Layla felt ready, he planned on leaving.

  She refused to think about it. But yes, she agreed that Owen deserved to know about his daughter, and Casper wanted to be the one to tell him. And as he put it, ask permission to marry the mother of Owen’s child.

  Layla had stopped howling, but she whimpered in Raina’s arms, gearing up for another outburst.

  “Here you go,” Ingrid said, handing Raina a warm bottle. “Sit over here.” She pointed to a rocking chair that faced the deck. “It’s where I fed all my babies.”

  The rocking chair held a knit blanket that Ingrid settled over Raina’s lap as she sat, propped up Layla, and gave her the bottle. Her daughter slurped it down as if ravenous.

  “See, you’re a natural,” Ingrid said to Raina. Then she leaned over the baby. “And you are precious.” She tweaked Layla’s little foot. Layla met her eyes and smiled around the nipple of the bottle. Blue eyes. She had the rich blue eyes of the Christiansen clan.

  But the black hair belonged to Raina.

  Layla reached up, curled her hand around Raina’s thumb.

  Raina’s eyes filled, and she began to rock, a song filling her chest. Something sweet she couldn’t yet name. “Hush, little baby . . .”

  Casper knelt beside her, met her eyes. “She’s beautiful, Raina.”

  Yes. A dark beauty.

  “I think you’re all set here, Raina,” Dori said.

  Casper got up and shook Dori’s hand as if he were making a deal, a little flummoxed.

  Yeah, well, life had them all off-kilter with joy.

  Raina finished feeding Layla, burping her on her shoulder.

  “Can I hold her?” Casper asked, and she handed over her package, caught in the sweetness of his expression as he cradled the baby.

  Yes, this was a moment with no regrets. Large. Light.

  “Oh no, Dori left her scarf,” Eden said, picking up the orange knit scarf from the entryway. She set it on the counter.

  Amelia came down the stairs, wearing a dress, leggings, tall black boots. She stopped at the landing, her expression bright as her gaze landed on Layla. “Wow, really? I missed it?”

  “That’s what you get for primping. What happened to sweatshirts and yoga pants?” Grace said as Amelia walked over to Layla, held out her finger for the baby to grasp.

  “I’m trying to class up the joint,” Amelia said.

  “She has a hot date,” Eden said from the kitchen, where she was now mashing the potatoes. Jace, her husband, walked from the other room, gave Amelia a low whistle, then eased the masher from Eden’s hand.

  “No good, pal,” Max said. “Let the master work.” He retrieved cream cheese and milk from the fridge and bumped Jace out of the way.

  “I don’t have a hot date. It’s just me and Seth hanging out. He’s home for spring break and wanted to get together. Don’t set me a place—we’re going out for burgers.”

  “I think he’s still carrying a torch for you, honey.” This from Ingrid, who carried plates to the table.

  “I always thought you two would end up together,” Grace said. “You were so cute when you dated in high school.”

  “Maybe someday, but I’m not ready for another relationship. Not yet.” She left the rest unsaid, but Raina caught Amelia’s exchange of glances with Casper. Amelia dumped her purse on the counter, ran back upstairs.

  John got up and walked over to look at Layla. “She has Christiansen eyes,” he said. He winked at Raina, his expression tender.

  The doorbell rang and Grace went to answer it. “Probably Dori.”

  Ingrid added silverware to the table. But as she looked up at Grace, she stilled.

  Grace was backing into the room, still holding the orange scarf. Behind her followed a man about Casper’s age, although taller, with curly dark hair, a two-day layer of whiskers, and piercing blue eyes. He wore a white oxford, a suit coat over faded jeans.

  And then he opened his mouth. “I’m looking for Miss Amelia Christiansen.” Crisp British vowels, sharpened to an aristocratic point.

  Clearly not from the hamlet of Deep Haven. The entire family stared at him.

  Amelia appeared at the top of the stairs, her hand gripping the railing. “Roark.” Her voice emerged as a thin wisp.

  Casper handed Raina back the baby. She glanced at him—something had his burr up.

  Amelia came down the stairs, a little white. “What are you doing here?”

  No one moved as Roark turned to her. “Amelia, darling, I’m so sorry for the way I bumbled everything. But I believe I have it sorted now and . . .”

  Casper took a step closer, stood next to his father. Raina had the eerie sense that redcoat Roark might have just walked into the heavily armed camp of revolutionary patriots.

  But he apparently paid t
hem no mind as he moved to the bottom of the stairs. “I’ve come to ask for your forgiveness.”

  Amelia took another step down the stairs. “What are you doing here?”

  Raina ducked the crazy urge to wave him off.

  Then stopped as he reached into his suit coat and pulled out a small box. “Just a token, darling, but I came to say that I can’t get you off my mind. I love you terribly. Please, won’t you give us another chance?”

  A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  WHAT DO YOU do when you love someone who seems bent on self-destruction? Worse, when they seem incapable of listening to reason?

  Pray. Hope. Love anyway.

  I came upon this story idea after hearing about a woman who had inadvertently walked into an abusive relationship. She didn’t exactly know how she got there—just that one day she opened her eyes to the truth. But she’d told herself so many lies that tracing her path toward this abuser seemed almost natural. She accepted abuse because of her inability to believe she was worthy of anything else.

  Those outside the horror warned her. Wanted—tried—to wave her off. And watched with torn hearts as she entwined herself in a situation that nearly cost her and her children their lives.

  Eventually the abuser hurt someone else—someone less afraid, less intimidated, less willing to believe lies—and was imprisoned. Justice finally.

  So often, believers are like this woman: we stand in our mistakes, our sins, our regrets, and determine that we don’t deserve love. So we accept less—even abuse—because we can’t lift our eyes off ourselves and onto truth.

  Jesus stands outside the lies, waving at us to stop our self-destruction, to believe Him for freedom, to reach out for His love, to trust His justice. And He asks us, as Christians, to stand in the darkened pathways and shed light.

  I wanted to write a story about a man who couldn’t escape the pull of love God had for the broken, the lost—and yet depict the agony of seeing them run away into destruction. Just as God must feel when we push Him away and stubbornly head into darkness. Casper seemed exactly the right person to shoulder this task . . . even though it could have cost him so much.

  That kind of love cost Jesus even more . . . cost Him everything.

  But Jesus, like Casper, is a treasure hunter who has come to seek and save the lost. I love the fact that He believes we are worth the search.

  And Raina—who lived always looking behind her—had to learn to look ahead, outside her comfort zone, into faith. I love the message that when we look at ourselves, we get afraid. After all, it’s true: how can such a wretch be redeemed? We can’t if we depend on ourselves. But if we depend on God . . .

  Well, as John Christiansen says, “What does love do? Forgives. Comforts. Protects. Saves. Renews. Loves.”

  Friends, look forward, your face to the wind, and live large in God’s love. Jesus says you are worth the search, worth His outrageous, unwavering love for you, despite the cost.

  Thank you for reading Raina and Casper’s story. With Casper off to find Owen . . . well, it’s time for Amelia to come up with an answer, don’t you think? Can she forgive the man who broke her heart? More, will she choose her high school sweetheart, Seth, or this European blue blood? Which would you choose?

  In His grace,

  Susan May Warren

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  SUSAN MAY WARREN is the bestselling, Christy and RITA Award–winning author of more than forty novels whose compelling plots and unforgettable characters have won acclaim with readers and reviewers alike. She served with her husband and four children as a missionary in Russia for eight years before she and her family returned home to the States. She now writes full-time as her husband runs a resort on Lake Superior in northern Minnesota, where many of her books are set.

  Susan holds a BA in mass communications from the University of Minnesota. Several of her critically acclaimed novels have been ECPA and CBA bestsellers, were chosen as Top Picks by Romantic Times, and have won the RWA’s Inspirational Reader’s Choice contest and the American Christian Fiction Writers’ prestigious Carol Award. Her novels You Don’t Know Me and Take a Chance on Me were Christy Award winners, and five of her other books have also been finalists. In addition to her writing, Susan loves to teach and speak at women’s events about God’s amazing grace in our lives.

  For exciting updates on her new releases, previous books, and more, visit her website at www.susanmaywarren.com.

  DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

  Ingrid describes Casper, a middle child, as “the one who is neither the oldest—the responsible legacy bearer—nor the youngest, pampered and cherished just because he is the last.” How does his role as the middle son affect how Casper sees himself? Where do you fall in your family’s birth order? How might that define your role?

  Though Casper feels like a failure in comparison to his siblings, each Christiansen struggles with his or her own inadequacies and failures. Why does Casper set such high and perhaps unrealistic standards for himself? Do you ever find yourself comparing your strengths and weaknesses to those of your siblings, friends, coworkers, etc.? Is it more often helpful or damaging?

  As her due date grows closer and even after her baby is born, Raina agonizes over whether to keep her daughter or give her up for adoption. Do you think she ultimately makes the right decision? What would you have said if she’d come to you for advice?

  Darek faces enormous pressure to keep Evergreen Resort afloat and maintain the Christiansen legacy. How does this affect his relationships with Ivy and Tiger? When faced with a big responsibility, do you ask for help or shoulder the burden yourself?

  When Casper suggests that Raina turn to God for help, she argues, “God doesn’t love everybody, despite what Sunday school says. . . . He doesn’t love me.” What brought her to this conclusion? Have you ever questioned whether God loves everyone—or whether He loves you?

  Even though Raina tried to keep her baby a secret from the Christiansens, several family members eventually find out. Did they deserve to know from the beginning? Did the siblings do the right thing in keeping the news from John and Ingrid for so long? Have you been asked to keep a secret when you weren’t sure it was right? What did you do?

  Casper and Raina are both intrigued by “undiscovered treasures,” whether found on an archaeological dig, among the historical society’s donations, or in Aggie Wilder’s abandoned home. Do you share their love for antiques or relics from the past? What are some of your “treasures”—whether family heirlooms or just great finds?

  Once she finds Aggie Wilder’s diary, Raina gets caught up in her story. Why does it hold such fascination for her? In what ways does Raina relate to Aggie, even without realizing it?

  Darek challenges Casper on his relationship with Raina, saying, “The fact is, when God brings Christians into the lives of the hurting, it’s because He intends to use us to be truth and light to them. Not fix their problems but point them to the One who can.” How does this change Casper’s perspective on Raina? When someone in your life is hurting, do you find yourself wanting to fix their problems? How could you bring truth and light to those situations?

  Raina continues dating Monte despite some twinges of doubt along the way. What red flags did you see in Monte’s behavior? Why do you think Raina stayed blind to them for so long? Have you ever continued a relationship you knew was unhealthy? What was the result?

  In her journal, Aggie records Thor’s belief that “a small life is lived by staring inward, but a large one is lived by diving into God’s love.” How did Aggie “live large” once she believed this to be true?

  When Casper questions how he can continue loving Raina, John answers, “How do you keep loving someone who doesn’t love you back? Like Jesus did, Son. Faithfully praying, faithfully abiding, faithfully loving anyway.” Has God called you to love someone this way? Where does that relationship stand now?

  As the resort continues to struggle, Darek seizes an opportunity to rejoin his hotshot firef
ighting team. Did you agree with his decision? When have you been tempted to run away—literally or figuratively—from a stressful situation? What did you do?

  Near the end of the story, Casper and Raina bring their secrets into the light and arrive at a plan for their future. If you were a member of the Christiansen family, how would you have responded? What do you think the future holds for Casper and Raina? For Owen?

  Do parents’ roles change as their children reach adulthood? If so, what life events typically signal that transition, and how should children and parents go about establishing new boundaries? Do you think John and Ingrid have managed this transition well?

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