Every Last Beat

by Nicole S. Goodin

  I want it all. Her family, her friends, but most importantly, I want her.

  It would have been so easy to stay… to fall asleep with her in my arms, but I had to leave.

  I know she’s beginning to trust me, I can see it in her eyes. Just the fact that she invited me into her home, let alone her bed tells me that.

  But she hasn’t found the time to tell me about her heart yet – which means she doesn’t trust me entirely.

  I’m more than aware it’s up to me to earn that trust from her.

  Nothing comes free in this world and having faith in a person is probably the biggest testament to that.

  She needs to understand I’m in this for a long time, not just a good time, and until she does, I’ll be kissing her goodnight at her front door and not between her sheets.

  The fact that I was able to do it – that I found it within me to walk away from her when I so effortlessly could have stayed, has given me the strength to do something that I haven’t done in a long time.

  I know it’s kind of creepy to visit a cemetery so late at night, but it’s been far too long since I was here, and I have a feeling I won’t be able to sleep a wink until I’ve done this.

  I need to talk to my sister, and even though I live in the house she once called home, this is the only place that I seem to be able to feel close to her anymore.

  It probably makes me appear crazy – coming to a ghost for advice, but I don’t have anywhere else to go.

  My father’s been gone a long, long time. My mother doesn’t even recognise me anymore, and I don’t have a lot of friends left.

  You spend three years drowning in grief, throwing yourself into your work and pushing people away, and eventually they stay there.

  I learnt that the hard way.

  There’s only so much you can do for someone that doesn’t want to help themselves, and while, on the outside, I might have appeared to be together and whole – I’ve actually been anything but.

  Daisy was my rock, my sounding board and my best friend. Losing her destroyed me.

  And she might be gone, but I still need her now.

  I’d give anything to hear her voice again, even just one more time. I know that I won’t get to – that miracles like that don’t happen in real life, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing for it.

  I want to tell her about Violet so badly it hurts.

  I know she would have loved her. I don’t see how anybody couldn’t… she’s so pure, and sweet and good.

  She’s so damn easy to love.

  The realisation that I’m falling for her doesn’t scare me the way that I expected it would. My cold, black heart somehow still beats in rhythm and now it’s as though it’s beating just for her. Ever since she fell into my orbit I’ve felt a sense of purpose again.

  I smile.

  I laugh.

  I’m enjoying my life – I’m actually living it.

  No longer am I just floating through my days. I’m grounded and I’m feeling… I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before.

  I approach the spot where my sister was laid to her final rest and I whisper into the darkness.

  “I found her, Daisy… I think I’ve found the one.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Violet

  “The movies?” He guesses his approximately one hundredth wrong guess.

  “Nope.” I shake my head. “You really are terrible at this, you know that, right?”

  “You mean the aim of the game isn’t for me to get it repeatedly wrong?”

  I haven’t told him that I’m only a volunteer at the animal shelter – not a paid employee, so I would imagine that’s why he hasn’t guessed it’s where we’re headed.

  I’m really nervous about this entire day.

  I’ve decided that today is the day I’m going to tell him about my heart.

  I have to – it’s time.

  I’m starting to feel things for him – real things that seem to be boarding the train headed for love.

  I don’t know how he’s feeling about me, but if he’s even looking in the same direction as I am, then I need to tell him now before he gets in too deep.

  It’s not fair to keep him in the dark. Even though life has dealt me a whole series of unfair cards, I still try my hardest to play that hand with respect and dignity – especially where people I care about are concerned, and he’s quickly become one of the people on that list.

  “Well,” he announces. “I’m out of ideas.”

  I giggle at his perplexed expression. My eyes trace over the curve of his lips as his face breaks into a cheeky grin.

  I linger on his blue eyes, the same ones I still picture in my sleep most nights.

  My dreams have shifted slightly, where before it was only his eyes and his voice that stayed with me; they’ve now evolved to include the smile that lights up those eyes, and the warmth of his hand in mine.

  The man of my dreams has turned out to be exactly that, and I hope more than anything that he’ll still be that man after he learns the truth about me.

  “We’re here.” I grin. “Do you think you might be able to figure it out now?”

  He glances around out the window before spotting the sign and laughing – presumably at his own foolishness.

  “You’re right. I really do suck at this game.”

  I eye him carefully. “If you’d rather do something else, we can—”

  “I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do,” he cuts me off.

  I beam at him. I’m glad he feels that way, because there’s nothing I’d rather be doing either.

  ***

  “And this is Smokey, Fluffy and Socks.” I point into the enclosure housing three cats, one grey, one ginger and fluffy, and one black with white feet.

  He raises his brow at me and smirks. “Original.”

  I grin. He’s not wrong.

  “Where did they all come from?” He glances around the large room where we keep all the cats.

  I shrug. “Most of them get dumped, some are brought in hurt or unwell, some get taken from their owners… we do our best to fix them up, get them fed and healthy and then find them homes.”

  He sticks his fingers through one of the gaps and Fluffy rubs up against him.

  I can’t stop myself from smiling as I watch him scratching under the cat’s chin.

  There’s just something incredibly attractive about a man who’s kind to animals.

  “Don’t you just want to take them all away with you?”

  “I have to talk myself out of it every time I leave,” I confess.

  We stroll past a few more enclosures, heading out towards where they keep the dogs.

  There’s someone special I want him to meet out there.

  “Have you ever given in and taken one home?” He takes my hand in his and swings them between us as he asks.

  “Once. I’ve got a cat, but he hates everyone.” I giggle.

  He frowns at me. “Why’d you take him then?”

  “I dunno. He’s just a real grumpy old thing. He hisses if you go near him… he would have been in here forever, and that just made me sad. All he does is sleep all the time, and he eats more than he should, but at least he has a home.”

  I catch his eye and he’s looking at me like I’m something amazing.

  I can feel the blush creeping onto my cheeks – it never fails to make an appearance whenever he’s around.

  I glance over his shoulder and see Avery approaching, and even though I know she’s bound to say something that will embarrass me further, I’m so happy that she’s here today and she’ll get to meet Rylan.

  “Hey!” she calls out as she rushes over to us.

  I get a half wave and Rylan gets an extended hand. “Hi, I’m Avery, you must be Violet’s boyfriend.”

  The blush I had before is nothing compared to the way my face is flaming now.

  “This is Rylan. Rylan, this is my friend Avery,” I reply quickly. “Avery is one of the fu
ll-time vet nurses here.”

  I’m hoping to save him from the embarrassment of having to clarify that he’s not actually my boyfriend by offering him a piece of information to cling onto.

  “I’m Rylan,” he confirms as he takes her hand in his. “But between you and me, I like the sound of Violet’s boyfriend better.”

  He winks at me and I’m at a loss for words.

  The buzzer in Avery’s pocket lets out a shrill tone and I’m literally saved by the bell from what was bound to be an awkward interrogation for all involved.

  “Gotta go, Violet’s boyfriend Rylan.” She grins at him and much to my surprise, he grins right back. “It was nice to meet you.”

  “It was nice to meet you too, Violet’s friend Avery.”

  I don’t know precisely what just happened here, but it’s making my heart race.

  “What?” he questions the perplexed expression I have on my face as I watch her jog off to help out with a new arrival.

  “Nothing…” I shake my head.

  He looks so happy and carefree; it’s a real transformation from the man I met such a short time ago. He’s relaxed somewhat and he’s more comfortable with me now – he’s still got the potential to be intense and smouldering at the drop of a hat, but I like that about him. I actually like it a lot. Being the sole focus of that intensity makes me feel interesting and attractive, and I welcome that feeling.

  “She seems nice.”

  His obvious cheerfulness makes me feel even guiltier for the secrets I’m keeping from him.

  I want to be able to call him my boyfriend so badly it almost hurts, but I’m not willing to discuss that label again until he knows what he’s getting himself into.

  “She is,” I agree. “Now come on.” I tug on his hand before he can say anything more. “Come say hi to Bear.”

  Bear is my favourite animal in the whole shelter, and as much as I want him to find a home with people that will love him, I can’t imagine this place without him.

  “Let me guess, he’s big and cuddly?” Rylan drawls.

  I don’t need to answer, because the dog in question spots me then and comes bounding toward us, all one hundred kilograms of him.

  “Bear!” I call to him.

  He’s so excited to see me, his tail is wagging like crazy as I crouch down to pat and cuddle him.

  “When I said big and fluffy, I wasn’t imagining it quite to this extreme.”

  I laugh as Rylan squats down next to me and gets a lick on the face from my best canine friend.

  “I think he likes you.”

  “I like you too, bud, but preferably without your tongue down my throat, huh?” he teases as he scratches the huge St. Bernard on his belly.

  “What do you do with him?”

  “I normally take him for a walk down to the river…”

  I’m not sure how much of his day Rylan was planning to spend in this place with me, but as I watch him with Bear, he certainly doesn’t seem in a hurry to get out of here.

  “You walk him, or he walks you?” He raises one of his brows at me.

  I laugh again, because it’s true. I weigh about half of what this big boy does, and if it weren’t for the fact that he’s decided he’s happy to listen to what I say, there’s no way I’d be able to make him do anything he didn’t want to do.

  “It’s a bit of both.” I giggle.

  “How about you pick on someone your own size.” He grins at the big dog like they’re already best friends.

  If I wasn’t already falling for this man, I know I would be now.

  “Let’s go then. Where’s his lead, gorgeous?” he asks me over his shoulder.

  I don’t know if I’m more thrilled that he wants to come with us, or that he called me gorgeous, but either way, I don’t speak, I just smile and point.

  ***

  “Urgh, Bear!” I cry as he shakes the water out of his long coat right in front of where Rylan and I are seated as we throw sticks into the river for him to fetch.

  “Get it, boy.” Rylan sends another stick flying into the cool river and Bear bounds off after it.

  I smile as I watch him leap in with a splash.

  “I’ve gotta ask… why don’t you adopt him? It’s obvious you love him.”

  I’ve been waiting for this question from him ever since I introduced him to Bear.

  There are a few reasons, but I still haven’t found the nerve to tell him about my heart, so for now I decide to start with the easiest excuse to explain.

  “My place isn’t fenced, it’d be no good for him.”

  I realise just how lame it sounds the moment I say it out loud.

  “So build a fence?”

  “I’m not exactly known for my construction skills.”

  He raises a brow at me as though he knows I’m full of crap.

  He’s right too. If that was all there was to it I would have had the section fenced the moment Bear got brought in to us.

  I’d love a dog to keep me company in the big house I call home, but I know I can’t take care of him the way he deserves. He’d need walking every day, and if it’s too cold for me to go out, or too wet, then Bear would be stuck at home with me instead of getting the exercise he needs.

  Then there’s my life expectancy, I’m more confident these days, but I’ve lived with fear in the back of my mind for the past three years that my body would reject my new heart and I’d drop dead.

  Bear is only two years old, he’s still got a lot of life ahead of him and it wouldn’t be fair of me to take him on when I’m not sure I could outlive him.

  I try to live my life to the fullest and make the most of the second chance I’ve been given, and a huge part of me wants to take him home for that very reason alone, but it wouldn’t be fair of me – and I can’t imagine making such a selfish choice.

  I don’t realise that I’ve fallen silent as I watch Bear swimming out towards the stick.

  When I look up, Rylan’s eyes are watching me intensely, seeing things I’m not sure how to find the courage to explain.

  “What’s the real problem, Violet?” He asks the question in a soft voice, but there’s a hoarse edge to his tone, like he’s sensed that bad news is coming his way.

  This is it. This is my make or break moment.

  I know what I need to do, this is as good of a time as any and I have to do this now. I’ve just got to, as Lucy so diplomatically puts it, ‘find my lady balls’.

  “There’s something I haven’t told you.” I whisper the words, but he hears me, I know he does.

  His eyes never leave mine as he gives me a look that indicates I should carry on.

  “I know I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t know what this was…” I indicate between the two of us. “I promise I was never trying to deceive you.” My voice is louder now, but I’m almost shaking with nerves.

  “Violet,” he murmurs as he takes my hand in his. “Just take a deep breath and say what you need to say.”

  “It’s a long story,” I warn.

  “I’ve got nowhere else to be.”

  I search his eyes for a hint that he’ll run – that what I’m about to tell him might scare him off, but I find nothing to confirm my fears, all I see looking back at me is a tender gaze.

  “Tell me,” he whispers, his voice sounding like gravel.

  So I do.

  I tell him about the condition I was born with. I tell him about the surgeries and all the hospital stays. I tell him about my heart transplant and the medication that I take each morning. I tell him why I can’t take Bear home with me and what I live with every single day.

  I tell him everything except for the part where I nearly didn’t make it – I don’t tell him about seeing his eyes or hearing his voice. I’m not ready to share that with him yet. If he sticks around after this, which I can’t possibly imagine he will, then maybe one day I’ll find the courage to confide in him about that too.

  When I finally finish spewing out my life story, I
’m out of breath. I don’t know how long I’ve been talking for, but Bear is out of the river now and has lay down in the sun to dry… and Rylan, he’s still staring at me with the same tender expression he was when I started speaking.

  There’s no pity in his eyes, there’s no anger, resentment or disappointment there either. In fact, if anything, he looks relieved, and I have to wonder if he’s known all along that there’s something I’ve been keeping from him.

  He’s an incredibly insightful man, and it’s a possibility I can’t discount.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I just wanted to feel… normal, I guess... I wanted to be the woman falling in love with the man for just a little while longer before my heart got in the way.”

  He’s doesn’t say a word, just reaches out with his free hand and tentatively places his palm against the spot where my heart beats.

  I thought he’d have questions, accusations perhaps… but he’s silent. I don’t know what this means, but I allow myself to enjoy the moment of what feels a lot like wordless acceptance.

  “I can feel it beating.”

  I don’t recall closing my eyes, but upon hearing his whispered voice, my lids flutter open again.

  I don’t reply, I’m waiting for something, anything more from him.

  I need him to respond – to tell me that I shouldn’t have kept this from him… to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with the girl with the broken heart.

  He slowly pulls away his hand, and I watch the movement with a fierce intensity.

  He’s bound to talk now, he has to. There’s got to be something he wants to say to me.

  I’m waiting for it, so when he does finally speak I don’t anticipate being taken by surprise by the words he chooses.

  “You’re falling for me?”

  It’s the last thing I expect him to say. In fact, it’s not until he asks the question that I realise I said those words aloud to him. I was so caught up in my story, in my heart… that I didn’t even acknowledge what I was admitting.

  I consider denying it, but I don’t know what the point would be in that. I’ve laid out almost all my cards and there’s no reason I can think of that I should hide the truth from him.