Paper Dolls

by Hanna Peach

  “I love you. I’m not letting you go. I’m not letting her take you away from me.”

  “I can’t let her leave me behind.” Not again. Not again. I can’t be left behind again.

  “She won’t leave if you don’t. Salem needs help. You’ve even admitted it yourself. But you need help to help her. You need to be here, with Flick, with your job, with your life, with me… If you go with her, you’ll lose yourself. Then you’ll never be able to help her.”

  “I can’t be so selfish. I can’t just think of myself.”

  “You’re not being selfish. You can’t possibley help her if you don’t have these things for yourself.” He grabbed my hands. “You can’t make someone better by loving them.” He formed our hands into a cup. “You need to fill yourself up first, before you can let who you are spill out onto others. You can only help if they want help. I know…” he trailed off.

  I stared at the cup of my hands, his hands around them. I saw water filling up into my palms, spilling over and over until it made a lake. Watch me, watch me. Suddenly I was a little girl again sitting on the banks crouched in a shivering ball waiting for Salem to emerge from the surface.

  Don’t spend your life watching from the edge, Aria. Life starts in the deep end. Then I was leaping into the water to join Clay, flying through the air like a bird.

  And I realised…

  With Salem I could never go in the water. With Salem I was stuck on the edge, just watching her. With Salem I became…less so she could always be…more.

  But I had jumped in when I was with Clay. I chose that. He made me braver. He made me…more.

  I didn’t want to go back to the way things were. I liked who I was becoming. I liked who I was with Clay.

  He threaded his fingers in between mine and the water of the lake faded away. “Salem won’t leave if you don’t. She’s the one who needs you. She needs to stop running. You both need to stop and deal with it. We can deal with it together.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “I know a therapist. She can help you. She can help you help Salem. That’s what you really want, don’t you? To help her?”

  “She’d never go to therapy.”

  “You have to make her. For her own good.”

  “I can’t…you don’t know Salem.”

  “You haven’t even tried.” His hands came up around my face. “Try…for me.”

  For him. I’d do anything for him. In the last few months Clay had become my best friend and my lifeline. I couldn’t be without him. But I couldn’t be without Salem. I could only hope that he was right and that Salem wouldn’t leave without me. “She’ll hate me.”

  “She’ll never be able to hate you. She loves you more than anything. That’s why she protected you. That’s why she’s still trying to protect you.”

  This was true. Whatever Salem did, it was to protect me. She hated Clay because she was protective of me. All this, he just seemed to understand.

  “I love you. I’ll never stop.” Clay’s hands gripped the sides of my face. “If you tell me you don’t feel the same, I’ll let you go.”

  “Clay−”

  “Do you love me?” He peered at me. “I asked you once before but then I changed my mind and I told you I didn’t want an answer. Today, I want that answer.”

  I licked my lips, which had gone dry. I loved him. Say it.

  “Aria?”

  Say it.

  “Aria, I’m not letting you out of this car until−”

  “I love you,” tumbled out. I took a deep breath and I said it again, this time making sure that every word was clear.

  A grin stretched across his lips, his dimple appearing on his cheek. He looked almost triumphant.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I told you I’d get you to admit how much you wanted me.”

  I rolled my eyes and tried to shove him away.

  He pulled me in close and his face became serious again. “You tell Salem that if she ever takes you away from me, I’ll come for you. I’ll find you. No matter where you go, I’ll find you.”

  Before I could say anything more he crushed his lips against mine and I let go of my jumble of thoughts. His lips were firm, his tongue possessive, claiming my mouth. My hands found his hair and his neck as I clawed at him to get closer, his hands shifting down my side and to my thigh. Then I was moving, being lifted, up and over and across the gearstick and God knows how he managed it but he pulled me across his lap so my knees were on either side, my skirt pushing partway up my thighs, our mouths still locked. My ass hit the steering wheel, causing a sharp beep to sound.

  One part of my brain screamed at me that we were in public, that people would see, that the loud beep would cause all the street residents to push aside the curtains or venetian blinds and check out the source of the noise. But the larger part of me − the part that had lain dormant for far too long − just didn’t give a damn. There was fire coursing through my veins from his lips, from his tongue, from his thick hardness pressed up against the very sensitive part of me, separated only by my underwear and his jeans. All I wanted was to press as much of my body against his naked skin.

  I reached down for the hem of his shirt and grabbed it, my knuckles dragging against his hard abdominals. He groaned underneath me and a feeling of power seared through my body. I felt larger, more powerful, and sexier than I had ever felt in my life. This feeling was addicting. I wanted more. I wanted him. All of him. Now.

  Before I could pull his shirt all the way up his hands came down on mine. He broke his mouth away from mine. “Wait,” his breath heaved in and around my mouth.

  I searched his eyes. What was wrong? “What is it?”

  “We’re in a car in the middle of the street, and it’s still daylight.”

  “So?” I lunged for him, desperate for the taste of his lips again.

  He laughed as he turned his head, keeping his mouth from mine. “What happened to the Aria who didn’t even want to dance in public?”

  I sat back on his thighs and considered this. What happened to that Aria? She got sick of being invisible. Because of you, she wants to be more, to have more. “You corrupted her. This is your fault. Accept the responsibility and deal with the consequences.” I leaned down to him again. Before I could catch his lips, he slipped his fingers in between us so our mouths were stuck on either side of these fleshy bars.

  He chuckled. “You’re adorable. Come on. Let me take you home.”

  Home? My jaw stung. Didn’t he want to take things further? Shouldn’t he be trying? I mean all men wanted…more, didn’t they?

  “Why don’t you take me to yours instead?”

  “It’s not a good time right now.”

  I pulled back and stared at him. His eyes found mine but they looked away, then looked down. There was a crease between his eyebrows, just enough to know that there was something he was worried about. What could he be worried about?

  “Do you have webbed feet?” I blurted out.

  He flinched, then stared at me before laughing. “No. Why would you ask that?”

  I frowned. No webbed feet. “Are you one of those guys who likes to…beat their girlfriend during sex?”

  Now he just looked horrified. “God no. Aria, what the hell are these questions?”

  “I’m just trying to figure out why you stopped. I mean, we were kissing and you,” I made a motion down to the bulge in his pants, “and I…” my hand flailed at myself and I flushed. “I’m…you know.”

  He raised an eyebrow, a smirk beginning to pull at his handsome features. “No, Aria. I don’t know.”

  “Don’t make me say it.”

  “Why, Aria, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  I almost rolled my eyes. He was going to make me say it.

  “I’m…” I leaned in and whispered something.

  “I can’t hear you.” I could hear the amusement in his voice.

  For goodness sakes. “I’m wet, dammit.”
<
br />   Before I could move I felt Clay’s hand travelling up my skirt to the top of my thigh. His fingers traced the edge of my panties before his thumb took a long slow brush right across the centre of me. All breath left my lungs. Stars twinkled before my eyes like I’d been hit in the head. Hard.

  He hummed in my ear. I realised, sometime in the last few seconds, I’d fallen against him. “Appears that you are…wet.” He pulled his hand out from my skirt and it settled on my hip.

  I let out a whimper. “Why would you stop?”

  He didn’t answer.

  A startling cold realisation settled in my belly, dousing the fire inside me. “It’s me.”

  “It’s not you,” he said quickly. A little too quickly.

  “It is me,” I whispered, feeling like he had cut out a hole in my chest.

  “It’s not you…”

  “Is it because I’m a virgin?”

  “No…well, yes, a little.”

  “You don’t think I’ll be any good?”

  His mouth dropped open. “Jesus, no. Aria, being with you that way would be the most amazing thing in the world.”

  “But you don’t want to do it?” I squeaked out.

  “Of course I do.” He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his erection, tugging me towards him with his other arm so that my hand was trapped between us. At my touch he grew even harder. “Do I need to explain what that is?”

  “I know what that is. I want you. You want me. Why won’t you want to take me to yours?”

  “It’s better if we wait.”

  “Wait for what?”

  “I want to do this right for once. I want to take it slow. I want to make every moment for you perfect.”

  “It already is.”

  He kissed my forehead and pulled my hand off him. “Come on, let me take you home. Salem will be waiting for you. And you need to tell her that you’re not leaving.”

  I sighed. He was right. Salem was at home waiting for me. I said I would only be thirty minutes. How long had it been now? Probably longer than that. “Fine. But this,” I motioned between our bodies, “isn’t over, Clay Jagger.”

  The lascivious look that he gave me almost had me changing my mind about going home. “Not by a long shot.”

  8

  I walked from Clay’s car like I was being led to a firing range. When I entered the apartment, Salem was waiting for me in the living room, her arms crossed over her chest. “I know where you’ve been,” she said before I could say anything. She scowled at me, her eyes hardened steel. “I saw you.”

  “You followed me?”

  “You lied to me. You said you were just going to Flick’s.”

  I inhaled and exhaled. This conversation wasn’t going well already. I needed to focus on what was important for me to say. “I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye to Clay. I know how it feels when someone you love just disappears without a word. He deserved more than that.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “So that’s it then, huh? You’re siding with him?”

  I licked my lips. “It’s not about sides.”

  “It is about sides. It’s about him or me, and you chose him. What happened to choosing me? Choosing us?”

  “It’s not about choosing sides,” I said firmly, and I shifted my feet a little wider on the carpet as if it might anchor me to the ground.

  I heard Clay’s voice. You refuse to bend. You push back. You find another way. You take that gun off him and put it back in his face. But you do not give in to demands.

  “He is hiding things from you.”

  “Jesus Christ, Salem. Stop saying that. You have no proof of−”

  “Did he tell you he’s seeing a shrink?”

  “I know a therapist. She can help you. She can help you help Salem.” Clay didn’t tell me he was seeing this shrink. What for? “How do you know that?”

  “I saw him going into his appointment. I just happened to be driving past.”

  “You have a car?”

  “I was in your car.”

  “You took my car without asking?”

  She made a face. “Since when do I have to ask to borrow your things? Anyway, I saw him when I drove past. I parked. Waited for him to come out, then I went to see for myself. He’s been visiting someone called Dr Bing.”

  “So?” I thought about the darkness that sometimes seemed to drape around Clay’s shoulders. “Lots of people see therapists these days.”

  “Only psychopaths need shrinks. He’s dangerous.”

  I swallowed, shoving away her implications. “Salem, you’re being ridiculous. Clay isn’t a psychopath. And he isn’t dangerous.”

  “How do you know?”

  “You’re just making wild accusations about him to try and get me to leave with you.”

  She began to pace, her movements twitchy and agitated, her voice trembling. “How could you do this to me?”

  “I’m not doing anything to you. I’m giving you a choice. You can leave. Or you can stay here with me. I hope you stay. I want you to stay.”

  She halted, glaring at me. “You selfish little bitch. You know I can’t leave without you.”

  Her words stung but I tried to ignore them. “Salem, please, stay here with me. Let’s make a life for ourselves here.”

  “You might have a life here. But I don’t.”

  “And what do you hope to gain if we left? I’m tired of running, Salem. I’m so tired of running. We can’t outrun this.”

  “You promised me. You owe me.”

  Guilt lashed my insides. I did owe her. But giving her exactly what she wanted was not the way to help her. I owed it to her to try and get help for her. “Salem, I want to help you. I can help you if you let me. We can get you help. Clay knows someone who can help you. I’ll go with you. We can face this together.”

  “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t know anything.” The hurt in her voice as she screamed at me was enough to shatter my heart for her.

  But I had to stay strong. I had to stay strong for us. This was the best thing for us.

  Her shaking finger came up to point at me. “You’ll regret this. You’ll regret all if it.” She rammed my shoulder as she shoved past me.

  “Salem!”

  The front door slammed behind me and she was gone.

  I fought the urge to run after her. She just needed some time to calm down. She wouldn’t leave. All of her stuff was here. She’d have to come back. She’d always come back to me. Right?

  * * *

  It was a few days later when I opened the door to my apartment that I saw her sitting on the couch. My body flooded with relief. And yet my muscles were all tense, ready for the next round of our fight. We had never fought like this before. Only because I always used to give in to her.

  I knew instinctively this would be a long battle, both of us tearing pieces off each other before one of us gave in. I would not give in this time.

  I forced myself to step inside the apartment even though a large part of me wanted to run.

  She sat up straighter when she saw me. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I replied, cautiously.

  “You look like shit.”

  “I’ve barely slept.”

  “How was work?”

  I stared at Salem from my doorway for a second. I kicked the door closed behind me and dropped my bag and keys on the kitchen counter. My arms cross over my chest like a shield. “Really?”

  “What?” she asked, her eyes going wide with feigned innocence.

  “You’re going to just pretend that nothing happened? You’re going to act like you didn’t just blow out of here days ago leaving me to worry sick about where the hell you went.”

  She stood up and her arms crossed over her chest as she mirrored me. “Thought you wouldn’t care where I went. You were perfectly happy to give me up for some guy.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my eyes. Every night I had slept alone in that cold bed, staying up, willing to hear her key in
the lock, signalling that she was home. Now that she was here…

  A vein throbbed in my temple. I needed an aspirin.

  I heard her walk towards me. When I opened my eyes she stopped, metres from me.

  “Shit,” she muttered. For once in her life, Salem actually looked…uncertain. “I didn’t come back to start another fight.”

  “Well done. You managed it anyway.”

  “I came back to say sorry. You were right. I…I shouldn’t have run out without telling you where I’ve been.”

  Well, I’ll be damned. I think this might be the first time Salem actually admitted that she was wrong. “Don’t do it again.”

  “I won’t.”

  “FYI, you suck at apologies.”

  “I know. I’m not used to giving them. Just like…just like I’m just not used to sharing you. That’s something I guess I’m going to have to learn now that loverb−, I mean, Clay is here to stay.”

  My stomach panged with sympathy. This wouldn’t be easy on Salem. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I had found her and she had someone else as important to her in her life. I stepped across the divide between us and pulled her into a hug, squeezing her to me. “I’m glad you’re home,” I whispered in her ear.

  She squeezed me back.

  When we pulled apart she shot me a hopeful smile. “Have you got plans this afternoon?”

  “No. Clay has a deadline so he’s busy working.”

  Salem nodded her head, slowly. “So we can do something, you and I?”

  Maybe things would start to get better for Salem and Clay and me? Maybe the three of us could finally learn to coexist? “Sure. What do you want to do?”

  A slow smile began to creep across Salem’s face. “Let’s go for a drive.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked Salem as she directed me off the highway and into the nearby town of Noosa Heads.

  She lounged in the passenger seat, her black Doc Martens on the dashboard. “You’ll see.”

  She gave me more directions. We drove farther into the town until we ended up driving through a leafy residential suburb, built up of modern-looking townhouses and low-level apartments, all with large balconies and decks to take advantage of the great weather and sea air.