by S. Moose
Feeling his hand on my back, feeling the slight push he gives me, I spread out my legs and bend them back when I’m swinging backwards. It’s peaceful out here with him. We aren’t talking about the breakup or when we’ll get back together. No. We’re simply enjoying each other’s company and living in this moment.
“I can’t believe it’s already August,” I say, sipping on my coffee and bringing the rose to my nose. That’s Tyler’s thing. He brings me a rose at random times. I never know when I’ll get one. When we were dating the roses were red, and now I get yellow roses. “Only like five more weeks of summer.” Stopping myself from swinging, I turn around and face him. I can’t read the expression on his face or see his eyes behind the sunglasses.
“Yeah, it’s crazy how we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together,” he mumbles.
Needing to change the topic, I get up and reach my hand out for his. “Still up for breakfast?”
“Sure. Whatever you want,” he answers, and takes my hand. It’s a perfect fit and if things were different, we’d be together.
Holding her, feeling her, comforting her, is what’s keeping me here. It’s been too long since I’ve seen her. When I got back home from California a few weeks ago, I wasn’t ready to see her right away. I took a vacation to New York City with my mom, to get away and refocus. Since our breakup, we only talk here and there.
When she sent me the breakup letter, I went home that weekend to make her see the mistake she had made. I left the next day, feeling emptier. I worked my ass off and refused to come home. My mom came to California to visit. She understood and asked me to come home for Christmas. I did and instantly regretted it. After that argument, I decided visiting home wasn’t smart, so I stayed away. As hard as it was to be away from her, it gave me a better insight. If I keep pushing her, making her be the same Bayleigh that she was before, I’ll lose her.
The thing about being friends is, the more time I spend with her, the more I fall deeper in love. I’ve been back for three days and this is the first time I’ve seen her since our falling out. It’s hard to forget the way her looks make me feel or how her lips curve into an innocent smile. The way she smells attacks my senses and her skin is creamy and soft like I remember. Her body is more toned and her legs, damn her legs, are still long, tanned and shapely. She’s always been a fitness junkie, but after that night, she put her focus into kickboxing and lifting instead of strict cardio. She looks great and I can’t help myself thinking about her and having her again. But it’s the way she looks at me with her big, hazel eyes, that gets me every time.
When she finishes her coffee, we head to my Jeep and I drive the short distance to Simply Crepes.
”Are you still a health freak?” I tease her, opening the menu and wanting to devour everything in sight.
She laughs and I enjoy that feeling of putting the smile on her face and the laugh in her chest. It’s the best feeling in the world, better than making love, because she’s happy and when she’s happy, that means she’s that much closer to being mine again.
“Cheat day,” she winks, licking her lips, “I want everything.”
We put in our orders and talk about California and New York City. When I mention Serena randomly during our conversation, her eyes tilt and I know that resting bitch face look. I use Serena as leverage to get a rise out of her. I’m not trying to be a douchebag or an asshole. Serena knows this, but Bayleigh doesn’t. So I continue to drop her name hoping it will cause a spark of jealousy and bring her back to me.
“Yeah, Serena and I went hiking before I left and tried out this new club with a few friends. It was actually a lot of fun. She wants to come out and visit. What do you think?”
“Whatever you want. She sounds like a lovely girl.” Bayleigh smiles and adverts her eyes to the paper in front of her. She takes a blue crayon and doodles. I sit back and watch her, like I’ve done so many times before. Sometimes we don’t need words. Just sitting here with her, watching what she loves to do, is simple and meaningful.
After we’re done eating, I drive back home. Part of me wants to spend more time with her and the other part wants distance. It’s still not easy being her friend.
“Thanks again for today,” she smiles and unbuckles her seatbelt.
“Yeah no problem.” I do the same and follow her from my house to hers.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Walk me back to my house,” she says without looking at me, “it’s not that far of a walk. I’ll be fine.” I hear a hint of annoyance in her tone. I don’t get it. We were fine today and laughing. Why is it a big deal? She doesn’t look at me and it stings a little too much.
“Fine,” I walk backwards, “have a good day.”
And just like that, my decision to go back to California for work is easier.
Me: Looks like I’ll be back in Cali. I’ll text Brian in a few
Serena: Sounds good. Can’t wait to see you again . . . Things turn out bad with her?
Me: Of course . . . That’s how it is between us. Shit will never change
Serena: It’ll be okay . . . Just give it more time. You can’t expect her to come crawling back to you even though that’s what you want. Everything happens for a reason
Me: Yeah I guess
Sitting at home, I’m randomly flipping through channels, trying to get my mind off today, and decide nothing’s working. Not wanting to sit around the house, I grab my keys and head downtown to meet the guys. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with them and a night out is what I need to rid my mind of Bayleigh.
Walking in, my friends see me and cheer.
“Tyler fucking Scott,” my best friend Joe shouts coming over, handing me a beer and giving me a man hug. “Bro, I’m surprised you’re out now. It’s been a while.”
“Yeah,” I agree, “just got back from NYC with my mom. About to head back to Cali soon.”
“Living the dream. So what’s up?”
We talk for a little and I catch him up about work, doing my best to avoid any mention of Bayleigh.
“Have you heard from Ryan?” Antonio, another good friend of mine, asks.
I ball my fists and finish my beer, following three shots of tequila. Shaking my head I look up and answer. “Na, and I don’t fucking plan on it. That loser is dead to me.”
“Still got bad blood between the two of you?”
“The hate isn’t going away,” I tell the guys. “You don’t pull the shit he does and expect to be forgiven.”
“Man, I don’t know how you can hold a grudge against him,” Joe states. “I get it. He fucked up and all, but sometimes you got to let it go.”
“Not happening.” Ryan will never be forgiven. That asshole is the reason that Bayleigh’s messed up. Not only do I blame Tony, but I blame Ryan. He had one thing to do that night and he couldn’t do it.
I order another round for us and the night goes on. After drinks at Murphy’s Law, we head down the street to a club called ONE. It’s pretty busy tonight and we see a few more friends from high school.
Ordering another round of drinks, I feel soft hands stroking my back. I turn around and see Cherie smiling at me.
“Well, well, looks who’s out to play.”
I smile back and give her a hug. “What’s up girl? What’s new?”
“Nothing. In town visiting my parents. You?”
“Same.” I hand her a drink and tell the bartender to keep my tab open, “I’m heading back to Cali soon though.”
“Nice. Looks like you’re doing bigger and better things.”
“You too. I saw your status about traveling to Italy for a fashion show.”
She blushes and looks away. Back in high school we were all pretty good friends, then college came and we tried keeping in touch. If it wasn’t for Facebook or Instagram, I’d have no idea what my friends were doing.
“Thanks. I’m excited and scared. Hey, how’s Bayleigh? You know I tried reaching out
to her and never heard anything back.”
“Yeah,” I rub the back of my head, “she’s hanging in there. She doesn’t really talk to anyone. Shit, she barely talks to me.”
“Fuck, I thought the both of you would be married or something by now. I remember the two of you in high school. Class couple, Prom King and Queen. The perfect couple.”
I wince and turn back to order a shot. I needed more to get the memories out of my head. The bartender hands me my shot and I drink it fast.
“Yeah, shit happens,” I answer.
“I’m sorry, Tyler. If you ever need to talk, let me know,” she says, rubbing my arm.
“I smell skanks all over,” a familiar voice makes me look up and I shake my head, slowly pulling away. “Get out of here slutbag,” Mandy orders and Cherie rolls her eyes.
“Talk to you soon,” she winks at me and walks away.
“You’re back and already the skanks are cornering you, I see.”
“Hello to you too, beautiful.” I give Mandy a hug and we walk to an empty table in the corner. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“Yeah well, here I am. The girls wanted to go out before our Cabo trip, which by the way, the lovely Bayleigh decided against.” She groans, “We had dinner the other night. She looks good, Ty.”
“She did and then apparently walking her to the fucking door is offensive and she lost her shit. Today was great, and then she copped an attitude with me,” I explain. “So I’m heading back to Cali. I might as well move there, since almost every time she sees me, it’s bad.”
“Tyler, is that the best thing?” I nod. “You sure?” I nod again.
I can’t keep playing this cat and mouse game with her. She knows how I feel and I know how I feel. There’s no one else for me. The way she looks at me is something I’ve never been able to explain. Seeing her today, and that fucking smile, and that fucking body. I went home and jerked off. Images of her lips on me, and whispering my name, fucks with my head. I remember the way she felt when I was inside her. The warmth around my cock and her little moans. My girl wasn’t quiet and she loved hearing me tell her what I wanted. When we were together, I was in control and she gave me everything I desired. Whenever I see her, that’s all I can see and feel. The sexual desire I have for her and wanting her to be mine again. Her lips. Her eyes. That ass of hers. Everything is mine, even if she doesn’t see it that way.
“She’s not ready for me to be back and that’s fine. I’m good. Trust me. I’ve been without her for a year, what’s a little more time or forever?” I laugh, “It’s not like I haven’t tried to move on.”
“Have you?”
“Yeah and every time I take a girl out, I see Bayleigh. She’s in my head and I can’t shake her.”
“You know what they say,” Mandy pauses, “if you can’t shake the one you love, then maybe you’re not supposed to.”
She’s right, but then on the other hand, there are days I can’t stand to think about her. The only thing harder than moving on is letting go. I know it’s not going to happen overnight and it’s not like I’m pining away for her every day. There’s no excuse for her childish behavior and pushing me away. I’ve tried and I don’t know how much more I can try. So that’s why moving back is the best thing to do.
Not wanting to continue the conversation, we finish our drinks and head to the dance floor.
By the time I’m home, it’s almost three in the morning. Luckily, Mandy wasn’t drunk and could drive. Everything is spinning and I can’t get my keys in my door.
The door opens and I see Bayleigh looking at me. “Tyler?”
“What are you doing in my house?” My words slur and she gives me a funny look. “Wait, is this my house?” Nope. I step back and look around, noticing our swing, memories coming flooding back. “Do you remember when we made love on this swing?” I walk to it, touching the chains down to the arm rest, “I’ll never forget that night.”
“Why that one night?” she whispers. I feel her behind me and I can’t turn around to look at her.
“I remember every moment with you. But that moment, I felt the world understood our love and nothing would tear us apart.”
“Come on.” She loops her arm through mine and pulls me inside. “Mandy gave me a heads up that she was dropping you off.”
“Oh, Mandy. She’s a good friend,” I laugh and follow her upstairs. “Are we going to share a bed?”
“Yes, Tyler. It’s late and you’re wasted.”
“Can I hold you?” She doesn’t answer. I follow her inside her bedroom and plop down on her bed. Bayleigh takes off my shoes and pushes me back to lay down, covering me with a blanket.
“What are you doing, Tyler?”
“I don’t know,” I answer, “I have no idea. I just fucking love you and miss you.”
“I know,” she strokes my face and kisses my forehead. “Sleep, okay?”
Closing my eyes, I feel her touch to my skin and it burns with ache and desire. All I want is her.
Waking up the next morning in his arms makes me feel safe and like nothing will hurt me. The arms I love, protecting me from the evil in the world, settles my heart from beating out of my chest. There’s no panic when we’re innocently lying like this, even though it’s the most intimate we’ve been in quite a while.
His protective arms hold me tight and when I turn my head to look at him, I see a slight smile on his face. When I’m in bed with Tyler, I don’t overthink or feel like someone’s going to come into my room and hurt me. It’s just the two of us and we’re in our own world.
I don’t want to open my eyes and get on with the day. I want to spend all of our time in bed and talking. No arguing or talking about why we’re not together; just talking about what we want from life, like a career, traveling or doing something adventurous.
Making circles around his hand, I watch the peaceful look on his face and memorize every line and every expression.
“I like the smile on your face,” he tells me in his deep, sleepy voice.
“Morning. Do you want me to make you breakfast?”
He nods, “Mmm that sounds good. I’m thinking chocolate chip pancakes with fruit,” he kisses my neck and cheek. My body freezes and I tell myself this isn’t Tony. This is Tyler.
Tyler. Tyler. Tyler.
“Hey I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I nod my head, “If this is too much please let me know. I don’t want you to feel panic of pain.”
“No this is okay. I feel safe with you. That night he invaded me and took a piece of me I’ll never get back. With you, it’s different. I want you here.”
Kissing my forehead he nods and helps me out of bed. We walk downstairs together and he watches me as I make breakfast and the kitchen is quiet. It gives me time to think and focus on what’s going to happen in a few days. I could get used to having him sleeping next to me, waking up in his arms, and sleeping without nightmares. So what am I supposed to do when he’s gone?
We sit at the table and my parents come down and look at us and then leave the kitchen. I see my mom turn her head and smile before going to my dad’s office.
“Thanks by the way,” he tells me.
“No problem.”
“Beach today?”
“Sure,” I smile and tell him to go before my dad kills him. I watch Tyler walk to his house and run back upstairs to send Mandy a death threat.
Me: Way to drop off a very drunk Tyler at my house . . . Asshole
Mandy: Hey you two needed to talk. Did anything happen?! Did he make your body squirm or cum a few times wink wink
Me: You know the answer to that. You know I can’t . . . But whatever you’re an asshole and I hate you
Mandy: I love you too . . . Missing you! We’re at the airport now. I’ll see your beautiful face in 7 days!
Me: Have fun!
Mandy: Oh I intend to *kissy face emoji*
I laugh at her text and put down my phone. It’s too early to be up, but I can’t fall asleep again. I didn’t
have nightmares last night and I don’t want to admit that it’s because of Tyler. Having him in my life as my friend is the only thing I can do. We have our good and bad memories, and all I can do is hope he’ll decide to stay in my life. Just thinking about the possibility of him dropping me as a friend makes me nervous and anxious.
A few hours pass and I’m standing in the middle of my room getting ready for the day when I look out the window and see Tyler standing outside. He’s looking down and I know that look. He’s thinking. Last night is still on my mind and I’m not sure I should bring it up. There’s not much to talk about. He got drunk and spent the night. We cuddled and I woke up feeling better than I ever have. I’ll admit, being in his arms again felt good and waking up to a smile isn’t bad.
Pacing my room to try and find the right words to say, I figure I can’t stay up here forever. I walk out of my bedroom and slowly head downstairs. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I hesitate walking outside. An internal war is brewing. I love him, but I need him to find someone who isn’t broken or dirty.
Reaching for the doorknob and slowly twisting it, I make sure there’s a smile on my face so I don’t make him feel bad.
When the door opens, I walk out to find Tyler sitting on the porch swing, the same swing we’d sit on for hours and talk about everything, and sometimes even nothing. This swing represents Tyler and me. It’ll be here forever on the porch, but one day, maybe, it’ll hold us again. Looking at the swing, I smile. Sometimes we’d talk. Sometimes we’d sit in silence, enjoying each other’s company. I miss those days. I miss when things were simple and I wasn’t scared of my own shadow.
“Hey,” he smiles, getting up and walking towards me. At first he’s hesitant and then he leans in to kiss my cheek, his hand resting on my arm. My body heightens from his touch and I relish in the warmth of his hand. I feel my chest tighten when I look into his blue eyes. His eyes are my favorite part of who he is. He has the kind of eyes that make you feel safe and warm. When you look at him, and he’s looking back, everything makes sense. My whole world stops and my walls break down. I’m not scared anymore.