by S. Moose
Yet I keep pushing him away.
“Hi,” I finally let out, “how are you feeling?”
“Better,” he whispers, stepping closer to me, pushing my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. His touch is soft and cautious. Without thinking, I throw my arms around him and rest my head against his chest. We stand like this for a while. I lose count for how long. I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he smells and I miss him. He lets me go and places his lips on my forehead.
“Are you ready to go?” I nod and he reaches for my hand. “Let’s go then. You look beautiful today,” he tells me, and walks me to his Jeep.
When we get to the beach, I smile and walk next to him. I look at the people around us laughing and smiling. There are couples all over, lying out on their towels, playing games and having a great time. I look up at Tyler through my sunglasses and see hurt on his face. Then realization hits me. He’s going to be here with his new girlfriend one day again. She’ll be the best thing that’s happened to him. She’ll get the man he is today and all I’ll have are the memories of the boy with shaggy dark brown hair who was inexperienced and learned with me.
This place holds so many memories for us. I’m holding onto those moments forever and trying to remember all of the happier times so the nightmare doesn’t win.
We walk along the shore, side by side, neither of us saying anything. I look down and see his hand. I want so badly to hold it and feel his touch again. But I pull away and stop myself. It feels nice being here with Tyler. There’s no arguing or talking about the whys of our lives. It’s just us, surrounded by the beauty of nature, and we’re soaking in every moment.
“Let’s put our feet in the water! I bet it’s nice and warm.” I tug his arm to the water and splash his face. This puts a big smile on his face and we run around the water, laughing and smiling. He lifts me up and twirls me around. For the first time in a while, I’m letting myself be happy.
“Tyler!” I squeal and hold onto his strong forearms. “Don’t let me go!”
“I’ll never let you go,” he whispers in my ear, still twirling me around.
We spend the rest of the day on the beach. I can tell there’s something weighing on his mind. I don’t push him to talk about it. I know when he’s ready, he’ll tell me what’s going on.
“Do you remember when we first moved into our apartment?”
I laugh a little, “Yeah. It was a mess. We had boxes everywhere and it took like three days to get our place tidy.”
“Yeah. I remember one night you couldn’t sleep, so you took out a sketch pad and started doodling. There was music playing in the background. I think you were listening to Backstreet Boys or something,” he laughs, an easy smile forming on his face. “I watched you sketching that night for hours. You never knew I was watching you.”
“Oh yeah? What was I drawing?”
“The beach.” His hand lies on his lap while the other rests on the steering wheel. His breathing is steady and there’s an overall calm between us. “The sun was setting and the colors you used, orange, red, pink and purple, showed the brightness in the sky. You used blues and greens to paint the water and yellow and orange for the sand.”
“You remember that?”
He nods. I suck in a quick breath and my body stiffens. Leaning in, I press a soft kiss to his cheek.
“How?”
“Anything that deals with you I remember. Whether it’s something small or big. It doesn’t matter. Everything you do plays in my head. I know it sounds fucked up as hell, but that’s what you do to me.”
Right here, at this very second, is my vision of perfection. Just two people who’ve known each other their entire lives, in a car, driving back after one of the best days. Even though we aren’t together, nothing can take away this day and the feelings in our hearts.
Tyler parks his car and opens the door for me.
“Do you want to stay over tonight? We can watch movies and eat popcorn.”
“Sure.”
Heading inside, we say hi to my parents and go to my bedroom. I pull out movies and he picks Sinister. I raise a brow and see him get comfortable on my bed.
“I hate you,” I seethe. I’m not a fan of scary movies. “You knew this was here. Why didn’t you take it home?” He puts his hands behind his head and gives me a playful grin. This is the Tyler I love and miss. We’re being silly and carefree. When we aren’t talking about getting back together and the past, we’re actually really good friends. Maybe that’s what needs to happen again. We need to build our friendship and learn how to love each other again. Learning how to love someone again doesn’t mean just loving them. It means learning their ticks and pet peeves. It means knowing what they’re thinking and knowing what they’re going to say. Love is more than a feeling. It’s knowing someone inside and out. We’ve both changed over the years and who knows if we’re still the same people.
I know I’m not.
After the movie and nearly dying from a heart attack, it’s my turn to pick a movie. I grab PS I Love You and see him shaking his head.
“Before you start the movie. Can we talk?” he asks, looking at me, waiting for an answer.
“Sure.”
He joins me on my bedroom floor, sitting across from me. “I’ve been offered a promotion at the firm. I have to leave Friday and I’ll be gone three weeks for training. After that I’ll be back, but it requires me to go to California one week a month,” he explains, stroking my arm. “I’m going to take the position and go. It’ll be good for my career and this is what I’ve been working for.”
A hollowness in my chest forms. The tears in my eyes build up. I tell myself to be strong and it’ll be okay. This is his moment and what I’ve wanted for him. I can’t ask him to stay and be with me. If I hold him back then nothing has been accomplished. “Congrats. I’m so proud of you, Ty.”
“Thank you. Your support means a lot to me. I guess I’m scared to go. I’ve been thinking about us and what we can do to find our way.” I sit and listen, trying so hard not to interrupt him. “We’re changing every day and I know I’m not the same man from before. I’m sure you’re not the same either.” I nod in agreement. “I do want us to be friends again. Like before. Do you think that’s possible?”
“Of course I do,” I smile. Finally we agree on something.
“I don’t want you to think that because I’m agreeing to be just friends for now means that I will give up on the idea of us as a couple.” He shoots me a playful wink. “I won’t give up until I’m back in your heart where I belong.” He takes my hand and presses it against his chest. “Because you’re in my heart where you belong. You’re my first and last love, Bay.”
Hearing him say these words breaks me into pieces. I’m a mess and here I am begging him with my eyes to never leave me. Completely broken and shocked. How can he still feel this way after all this time? I knew he still loved me, but I never thought his love ran so deep and was still this strong.
Removing myself from his space, I get up and walk around my room. His eyes follow me. I can’t look at him. He’s pouring his heart out to me and I’m at a loss for words. This is every girl’s dream come true. Yet for me, this is my nightmare. No matter what I do or say, he’ll stay and wait for me.
“I think that’s exactly what we need. Thank you for doing this. I know it’s hard on you.”
“I’ll admit it is and I’m trying to respect your wishes.”
That’s all I want from him. Hearing him tell me that he understands and wants to give me what I need is more than I can ask for. Part of me is hurt when I hear him tell me this. I want him to keep fighting on one hand, and on the other I want us to stay friends and be there for each other. The best type of relationships start out as friends.
“Movie time!” I grab the remote and get comfortable in his arms. “You sure you want to sit here with me?”
“Anywhere with you is perfect.” He kisses the top of my head and I press play on the remo
te.
I’m not sure when I fall asleep. Waking up, I feel his arms around me. Knowing he’s going to leave soon is burning a hole deep in my soul. If I ask him to stay, he’ll stay and what if he ends up regretting it and blames me for trapping him here?
It’s so hard to breathe. I want to cry and tell him that I want him back. I’m running short of breath and he’s holding the oxygen I need, but these demons and my fears makes it hard to love.
“Go back to sleep, Bay,” he whispers. “It’s late.”
“I know.” Sitting back in his arms, I let out a breath and close my eyes. Another night with Tyler. Another night without nightmares.
“Why can’t you see I’m not going anywhere?” My hand touches her shoulder, down her arm. I miss the way she feels against me. I miss her.
I touch her wrist and play with the bracelet holding the anchor, wishing she would believe that she can be happy again. I’ve made some mistakes with Bayleigh and I don’t want make those mistakes again. Leaving her causes an indescribable pain in my chest. I often wonder where we’d be right now if I hadn’t left her that night. My fists ball up. I’m not a violent guy and I never lose my cool, but right now all I want is to slam my fists into his face. She’s been through hell and back. No matter what I do or say, she retreats to her safe place. The weight on my chest feels like someone is standing on it. I clench my hands again and close my eyes.
“Remember you are an anchor. You’re strong and this will remind you that the tides will never hurt you. The strength you have inside your heart will never waver, same with my love.” I whisper, leaning down to kiss her head.
When I hear her softly breathing and her chest rising and falling, I get up from the bed and sit against the wall. I watch her sleep and imagine a life with the only girl who has my heart and soul.
I’ve loved Bayleigh Murphy my whole life. She’s everything to me and people think I’m stupid for only loving her and never experiencing anyone else. That’s the thing. When you find love, you hold onto to it and never let go.
Life was great. We were both at the same college and had the best time. Then the night before our anniversary, some asshole stole her from me. He stole her body and her soul. He stole everything.
She was already at the hospital when I got the call from Carrie Murphy. I rushed to Strong Memorial and they wouldn’t let me in until a family member was notified. I paced around the waiting room and when her parents came in, they allowed us to see her. As soon as I stepped into her room, I ran to her side and took her hand in mine. The nurse said she was unconscious due to blunt force trauma to her head. I sat with her for a while before leaving to run to the store and buy her flowers, teddy bears and anything else I could think of to make the room feel alive.
It was our anniversary and I wanted it to be special. I held the ring in my hand and wanted so badly to put it on her finger.
When I got back to the room, her parents, Carrie and Craig, were sitting with her. I decorated the room and watched to see if she would wake up.
She didn’t wake up for three days. When she came to, I heard the scariest blood curdling scream and rushed to her side. She punched me and slapped me, screaming for help. I didn’t know what was going on. Carrie was crying in the corner and Craig couldn’t get her to calm down. Doctors rushed in and sedated her. I cried. I cried for her and what she’d realize when she woke up again.
She left to go back home and I was left packing our apartment and driving the U-Haul alone. We didn’t talk much and she avoided me every chance she had. I tried seeing her and doing anything I could to hold her hand. She refused to see anyone. I didn’t know if we were still together or if she was going to be okay. I had to leave for work and we didn’t say goodbye.
Resting my head against the wall, I look at her and cry, knowing there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and look at the text message staring at me.
Brian: Hey Tyler. I heard the good news and I’m happy to have you here with us. Listen, if you can confirm everything with Paula tomorrow that’ll be great. We leave on Friday for California.
I stare at the message and close my eyes. I have to be in California for three weeks for training and then I come home and start my new position. Opening my eyes, I find my girl again. I wonder if I’m the only one still in love. She says one thing and acts another way. Actions speak louder than words. I think about the times we spent together and it’s hard to think that she could be over me.
My fingers graze the buttons and it’s fucking killing me. This is one of the best companies in Rochester and if I accept this position, I’ll make enough money to take care of me and Bay. We’ll be set for life and she’ll never have to worry. I’ll pay to get her the best doctors and make sure she’s okay. I’ll do anything for her.
I get up from the floor and look around her room. There’s a collage of our pictures on her wall. My smiling Bay was the happiest girl. She was full of life and had this light about her. Nothing ever got her down.
I kick myself for not being with her that night. I had a dinner meeting with my professor. It was an important dinner and I needed it. She told me to go and I told Ryan to watch her and not let her out of his sight. It was a party we’d gone to plenty of times. She made that walk back to the dorms almost every night. Why would Tony pick that night? Why would he pick her? It makes me sick what he did to her. Slowly she’s getting better, but I know it’s going to be a long road.
I sit down on the bed next to her and watch her wincing. She’s having a nightmare. Quickly, I look around her room for my guitar. Opening her closet door, I see it on the floor. Grabbing it, I sit against the wall and strum her favorite song, Photograph by Ed Sheeran. Softly, I sing and watch her breathe. She’s calming down. I play the song a few more times. It has meaning and the lyrics help me hold on. That’s one of the things we used to do. We’d lie on the floor and listen to music, labeling each song that plays a different part of our lives.
“Tyler,” she mutters and slowly wakes up. “Hi.”
“Hi baby.” I get up and sit on the bed, leaning down and kissing her forehead.
“Can you sing again?”
“I’ll sing to you forever, Bay.”
Bayleigh looks at the ceiling as I play the guitar and sing softly to her. I strum the guitar and feel the music through my fingers. Looking up, I see the worried expression on her face and the tears streaming from her eyes.
“All I can think about sometimes is what if I lost you? I don’t think I would be able to live if you were completely out of my life.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “I know us not being together is causing you so much pain. I love you, Ty,” she pauses again, “It scares me. I never meant to hurt you. I don’t deserve you, and please believe me, I’ll hold you in my heart forever.”
“I know, Bay. You don’t have to tell me. I know I’m vulnerable and it’s hard. I never wanted to push you so far. You still do things to me and you always will. It scares me too.”
“So what happens now?”
“I think that we’ll stay friends forever and one day we’ll be together again. I’m not going to give up on you.”
She doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are on the ceiling. I wish she would say something, anything, to make me believe her words. The thing about Bayleigh is that she’s a people pleaser. She puts people above herself. I don’t want to believe she’s telling me this to make me feel better. Those words need to be her own.
“I like that plan,” her deep hazel eyes look at me. She turns on her side and reaches out her hand for mine.
We stay like this, holding hands, her simple touch keeping me calm. I know she can’t give me more and this is a lot for her to tell me. I’m proud of her. Keeping her emotions locked up won’t help her or anyone else. That’s why I keep reminding her about being an anchor and the reason I got it for her. As soon as I saw the bracelet in the store, I knew it had to be hers.
“Don’t forg
et,” I whisper, “you’re an anchor and you’ll be okay. The waves may toss you around, but you’ll find your way again.”
Waking up in the morning next to her feels good. I’m going to miss seeing her face and holding her. Even though she’s not mine, for a moment while she’s sleeping in my arms I can pretend we’re back together and we’re happy.
Then there’s the flip side. I’m getting addicted to her touch and spending every waking moment with her. I don’t think I can quit. I’m trying to see her as my friend, my best friend, but I’m dying without feeling her. I feel better with her around me. She keeps me steady and I catch her whenever she feels like falling.
“Wake up, beautiful.” She stirs in her sleep, mumbling about wanting a few more minutes. I tuck strands of her blonde hair behind her ear. “You need to get up.”
Groaning, she punches my side and rolls over, away from me. Yeah, my girl isn’t a morning person. Actually, she’s scary and if she’s woken up too soon, it’s best to stay away.
“I’m hungry,” I tell her.
“So,” she mumbles again, “you know where the kitchen is and you know my parents have food in the fridge. Go make yourself useful and leave me alone. It’s too early,” she whines and tries to push me away.
I lean in, whispering in her ear, “Get. Up. Now.”
Her body tenses at our closeness and slowly she gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom. There’s a little sway to her walk and it’s killing me. My dick wakes up and senses her ass, wanting to play, and it’s taking everything in me to stay still and calm the fuck down.
My phone rings, thank god, and it’s Joe asking if I’m going out tonight. I look at the text and think maybe I should ask her.
Me: Not sure. .What’s going on tonight?
Joe: Get together . . . Bring Bayleigh too. The girls want to see her
Me: Can’t make any promises
Joe: Use that Scott charm