Offbeat

by S. Moose

  “Stay,” her hushed voice tells me, “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “This is where I want to be on my last night. I know we had a little fight today and I’m sorry for pushing all my emotions on you. I’m selfish and scared.”

  “I know, me too. Our feelings are strong. I need you to understand, all I need is time.”

  “I understand.” She clenches me tighter and I can finally breathe easier. Her gaze drifts to me and her eyes are my undoing. Those eyes that make me weak and hard in a matter of seconds. My eyes roam her face and stare at her plump lips. It’s taking everything in me to not feel her lips on mine. My heart thuds against my chest when I see her lips curve into a smile. I need to change the topic and say something, “Knock knock.”

  “Ah, who’s there?”

  “You.”

  “You who?”

  I throw my hands in the air and make her look at me. “Yooohoo big summer blowout.”

  Immediately we laugh and she tells me I’m an idiot for telling her the joke. For a moment, she’s back to herself- carefree and full of laughter.

  “You’re so corny. Plus Frozen is your favorite Disney movie. Not mine.”

  “Na,” I reposition myself, “I like Beauty and the Beast. Even though he’s a monster, she finds a way to love him with her whole heart, which breaks the spell. And guess what?”

  “What?” She heavily breathes as I lean in closer.

  “I’ll break the spell one day.”

  My lips brush over hers. It’s a simple kiss, but it ignites my body and I want more. I touch her face and press another kiss to her cheek, making my way to her lips.

  “Tell me to stop.” She doesn’t say anything. Instead her eyes flutter and close and she’s leaning into me, begging for more. My hand slides along her shoulders to the nape of her neck, bringing her closer to me. Our lips connect again and when she opens her mouth, I slide my tongue in, feeling hers against mine. The taste and feel of her mouth is blowing up my insides. I can’t get enough of this moment. All I want to do is freeze time so we can stay like this. The breathy noise she’s making and the grip she has on my shirt, pulling me down to her. My body hovers over hers and the weight is on my forearm. God, I love this girl.

  Groaning, I slide my hand down her body, resting on her hip. My lips leave hers and I kiss her cheek, shoulder and neck, tasting her body and savoring each moment. Her hand touches my chest and pulls off my shirt. Her lips kiss my chest and up my neck, back to my lips. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what she wants. I’m scared to talk and ruin this moment so I slide my hand under her shirt, cupping her breast, looking at the expression she makes. Her eyes close and she pushes her chest up towards me.

  Her lips part as I massage her breast, moving to the other. She sits up and grips the hems of her shirt, lifting it off. Our bare chests connect and our lips meet again.

  “I love you so much,” I tell her and grind my erection into her. “Fuck,” I groan when I feel her nails gripping my back. I’m so turned on and the heat from her is making me crazy.

  I don’t know what to think right now. Honestly, I don’t care. This is what I’ve been waiting for and this is what I want. I kiss her again, hungry and fast, like a beast ready to take what’s his. My fingers entwine with hers as I take my other hand to her boxer shorts and pull them down, needing more. Tossing them on the floor, my hand rests back on her hips and I look to her for the okay. Her hazy eyes look into mine and that smirk comes back. Feeling her wetness on my fingers, I slide my fingers in and nearly explode. I control myself and curse in my head. I’m twenty fucking three years old, not fifteen anymore.

  “Do you want me to keep going?”

  “Please,” she tells me and I listen. Feeling her body relax underneath me, I play with her clit and massage her until she comes and the noise leaving her lips is killing me. The throb in my cock is screaming to be released and into her.

  “I want you so bad,” I kiss her again, “so bad.”

  I turn her over and kiss her back, my hands exploring her all over. The softness of her skin is against my hand and I kiss the path down her back.

  “Stop,” she screams and pushes me away, “stop.”

  “Bayleigh, I’m sorry,” I rush to tell her, “I’m sorry.” I get off her bed and hand her clothes. No. Please fucking no. My heart literally stops beating when I see the tears in her eyes. She’s covering herself up and shaking her head.

  “I can’t do this with you. Don’t you see how fucked up I am?”

  “Baby stop, you’re not fucked up. You’re perfect.”

  “No!” She screams again and pushes me away. “I need you to leave right now.” She pulls the covers up and wipes her tears. “Tyler, leave!”

  An ache forms in my chest and my muscles tighten. I want to stand here and fight with her, explain that what we did isn’t wrong and I don’t want to leave. A moment passes and she still has her eyes on me. The need to wipe away her tears grows and I’m about to walk toward her when she whispers for me to leave and go home.

  “Please,” she tells me, “just go.”

  My stomach sinks deep into a pit. “Talk to me, Bay.”

  “Leave! Tyler, just fucking leave!”

  Everything is screaming at me to stay and talk to her. When I look into her eyes, she’s not there. The wild and scared Bayleigh I remember is back and she’s not budging. I walk to the door and hang my head. Turning back, I look at her again and she’s not facing me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say before walking out of her bedroom. Making my way down the hall I see her mom Carrie walking toward me. “Sorry I’m here so late,” I look down, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes.

  “It’s okay,” she whispers, touching my arm. “What happened?” I shrug and see the sympathetic pity smile on her face. “Give her time, Tyler.”

  Time . . . that’s all I hear when it comes to us. How long do we have to be apart for her to realize we’re meant to be together?

  I haven’t slept since he left. I’m an idiot. When he turned me on my stomach, flashes of Tony came back and I had to make him leave. I wanted it so much and yet here I go, ruining it again. Pulling off the covers, I put on sweatpants and a tee shirt. I feel like shit for what I’ve done. There are no more tears to cry and my heart is breaking because I can’t stand the thought of him being close to me. I don’t want to face him today. I’ve been so stupid and I ruin everything. We’ve been good and last night should have been a good night. I’m a mess and I can’t expect him to be okay with this.

  My eyes burn from the sob fest I attended. The look on his face when he got off my bed and walked to the door. I can’t stand to look at him when he’s looking like that. That broken look was on his face and I wanted it to be someone else, anyone else, not my Tyler. Now that look will be imprinted in my head and soon it’ll turn into disappointment, then pity and finally regret. He’ll let go and wonder why he wasted his time with someone fucked up like me.

  And I couldn’t bring myself to do that, so I won’t say goodbye. I told him to leave last night and he did. We said everything we wanted to say to one another.

  There’s a knock on my door and panic sets in. When the door opens, I see my mom walking in with a smile on her face. She sits down and pats my knee. “Go to him, sweetie.”

  “I can’t Mom,” I tell her what happened last night and she listens. I love my mom. She’s been there for me since day one and doesn’t look at me with pity in her eyes. No, she looks at me like a woman who needs time to find her place in this world and to accept what’s happened. She looks at me with strength and she gives me the courage I need to go on with my life.

  “Yes you can, Bayleigh. I didn’t raise a coward,” she winks and gets up. “Go.”

  Getting the courage I need, I walk outside and watch him pack. He’s called me several times and I’ve ignored all his calls. I don’t want to watch him leave and tell me he loves me. I want us to work on our relationship and see him every day.
Having him near me makes me feel better.

  “Hi,” I whisper, walking to him, not able to look into his eyes because I know I’ll beg him to stay. Those blue eyes will plead with mine and I’ll cave. I’ll grab his suitcases and slam them on the ground, telling him he can’t leave. I’ll throw my arms around his neck and we’ll be okay. I’ll feel his lips on me and we’ll be together again.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” I lie, “sorry about last night. Just,” I want to explain and I can’t. He doesn’t need to know that when he touched me I thought of my rapist, “it was a lot and I’m sorry.”

  I watch Tyler put the last suitcase in the rental car and shut it. His back is facing me and neither of us is saying anything. I wish I were a writer so I could come up with something, anything, to make this better. The words are stuck in my throat, and instead of saying what I want to say, I wrap my arms around his waist and place my cheek against his back. Closing my eyes I whisper, “I know this is hard for you. I wish I could be better. But I think this will be good, Ty.”

  “You can say whatever you want, Bay. I’m going to love you forever, with every breath I have, and we’ll be together again. You don’t scare me. What happened last night doesn’t scare me. If you let me in, I promise we’ll take it slow. Like I told you before, from now on I’ll go at your pace. No more pushing or giving you long drawn out explanations of my feelings. The ball’s in your court. Just remember, I’ll cross the oceans to see that smile again. You are it for me and one day you’ll see I’m the guy for you. I love you forever.”

  I wipe the tears on his shirt because I’m so afraid to let go. We’ve been spending time together over the past few days and it’s been nice. Having Tyler around means no nightmares or being scared. He’s my safe place. I see the tears in his eyes. I hate this. I hate saying goodbye to him again.

  “Thank you for understanding and giving me what I need. You have to understand that last night was incredible and I don’t regret it at all.” The look on his face is a punch to my stomach. His eyes are telling me another story. He doesn’t want this and he doesn’t want to understand. It’s the best and only way for us to be better, as individuals and as a couple. “I am going to love you until I take my final breath, Ty.” Touching his heart with my hand, he places his hand on top of mine. “I wish I could be the girl for you.”

  “You are the girl for me.”

  I cry and soon I’m back in his arms, smelling his scent, and remembering the times we shared. I don’t want him to go. I know if I ask him to stay, he will.

  “Do you promise to call me if you need me?”

  “I promise.”

  I rest my cheek against his chest, letting him rub my back up and down. I’m reeling inside from his touch. I want more. I want so much more. This is so hard to do. I want Tyler to change his mind and tell me he’s going to stay. God, I want to tell him how I feel and tell him I want him as mine again. He was supposed to be my forever, and then darkness won.

  “I love you.” Before I know it, his soft lips are touching mine. There’s nothing rushed about this kiss and I don’t pull away. I wrap my arms around his neck and welcome him. It’s been so long since I the fire inside me. This kiss means the world to me. I know that sounds cliché, but I don’t give a shit. Nothing can take me away from this moment. It’s us. Just us.

  We pull away from each other at the same time. He rests his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes. “I love you, too.”

  I’m not sure how long we’re in this embrace, but soon he has to leave and I watch him open the driver door as he gets in. He closes the door and I step back, watching him reverse out of the driveway. He stops and looks at me one last time. Neither of us says anything, so he puts his head down and continues to reverse his car out of the driveway. I watch him leave and wave before his car disappears. My phone vibrates and I reach into my shorts to get it.

  Ty: No matter what, I’m going to love you forever. There’s no one else and I hope you know that. You are my home and the one place I want to forever be. I’ll do what you want, but you will not push me away. I promise I’ll be back.

  Me: <3

  Ty: That kiss meant the world to me and I’ll cherish it forever.

  Me: Have a safe flight. I’ll see you soon

  That’s all I’m able to text back before rushing back into my house, back to my room and crying tears I’ve been holding in. It hurts watching him drive away and it hurts knowing he won’t move on. I don’t know what I need to do, but something is going to happen and I will make Tyler move on. I know I won’t ever be okay. I go back to my room, locking myself inside, and cry myself to sleep.

  I open the door and see Tyler coming out of his car. He has a smile on his face and I’m so excited to see him. Before I make it off my porch, I see a beautiful girl with long brown hair and a perfect body. She touches Tyler’s cheek and I see him laughing. Who the hell is this girl and why is she touching Tyler?

  I’m frozen.

  Soon, Tyler makes his way over to me. I look and see the girl smiling and waving. I lift my hand and wave, but I don’t smile.

  “Hey Bay!” he says, and gives me a quick hug. “Come meet Angie. She’s my girlfriend.”

  Sweat surrounds my body. I’m submerged in my own tears and I have to catch my breath. I look around and realize it was a bad dream and it’s still Sunday. Time didn’t speed and Tyler just left. I’m okay. I grab my phone and scroll through my pictures until I find one of me and Tyler taken a few days ago. He’s holding me from behind and I’m taking the picture of us. We’re both smiling and I’m staring into his deep blue eyes. I can get lost in them. Looking into his eyes is like looking at the ocean. There’s freedom and spirit. Each crash shows his vulnerable side and the currents remind me of his strength. His eyes always seem to know how to make me feel better and it’s because of his love that I push myself to be okay.

  My phone vibrates and it’s a text from Mandy.

  Mandy: Hey! So I’m going to be back soon! I’m telling you we need a girl’s trip to CABO SAN LUCAS BABY! I’m meeting the HOTTEST guys with the HOTTEST bodies. Seriously, I think I became pregnant like ten times. Legit girl, you’re coming next time! I seriously cannot wait to see you. .I miss you girl! How are you?

  Me: Hardly breathing . . . Ty left today and I had to say goodbye . . . He kissed me though

  Mandy: Say what? Are you two back together?

  Me: No =( We said I love you though and we’ve been spending time together. So there’s that . . . I hate that I’m stringing him along . . .

  Mandy: Oh friend . . . You know he would go anywhere for you . . . No worries . . . I know it’s hard to see, but you two are going to get back together <3

  Me: One can hope . . .

  Mandy: So listen, when I come home you and me are gonna spend a lot of time together! Be ready okay?

  Me: Sure =)

  Mandy: I miss you Bayleigh and I know everything will be okay

  Me: Yeah . . .

  Right now, I need her more than ever.

  I get to California without any issues and check into the hotel I’ll be staying in during my time here. Taking the elevator to the sixth floor, I look at my phone and see a message from Bayleigh.

  Bay: Hope you had a good flight and you’ve landed. Text me when you can

  Me: I’m here and I’m okay . . . About to check in and let my team know I’m here. How are you doing?

  Bay: Okay I guess . . . My mom is taking me to the spa today to relax so I’m waiting for her to get ready

  Me: That sounds like fun. Have a good time with your mom and we’ll talk tonight

  Bay: K =)

  Me: =)

  My heart physically hurts from her messages. She’s trying to have a good time, I know this, well I hope she is, and with being so far away, I don’t know if she’ll be okay. Who’ll be there for her when the nightmares come back?

  The ding to the elevator alerts me to the fact that I have reached my fl
oor and I exit, walking down the quiet hall to my room. Sliding in the card, I hear the door unlock. Walking in, I look around and decide to shower. Stripping out of my clothes, I get in and let the water relax my muscles. The plane ride was a little bumpy, but the drinks from the attendant helped. After four Titos and club soda, I relaxed and closed my eyes, thinking about her and that smile I love.

  Seeing her face in my head causes my dick to go from half-mast to instantly hard. I stroke him, pretending she’s with me, pretending I hear her soft moans. I’m fighting like hell to hold on and enjoy this moment. I slow down and imagine her taking off her clothes, one piece at a time, her eyes burning with desire, waiting for me to slide my dick into her waiting pussy. Fuck. I grip my shaft harder and stroke faster. I can feel the tingling in my balls and know I’m almost there. I groan loudly as I lose control and watch my cum explode out across the tile wall and then wash away from the spray of the water. I lean my head against the shower wall.

  She is holding all the cards when it comes to our future. I won’t allow her to push me away. Nothing she does will stop me from taking back what’s mine. With her, everything makes sense. With her, I come apart and all my doubts and insecurities cease to matter because she makes me a better man. And I meant what I said about sex not being a big thing. Of course I miss being deep inside her, hearing her scream my name and feeling her desire, but I can let that go if it means having her back. I want her, all of her, and that’ll never change. She knows I can play dirty and I will if I have to.

  Needing sleep, I get under the covers of my bed and feel the coolness of the sheets on my naked body. Grabbing a pillow, I hug it to my body, pretending it’s Bayleigh. Shit, I’m a fucking pussy. But I don’t care. This who I am and how I feel.

  Tossing and turning for the next hour I finally get up, put on clothes and walk to the built-in bar in my room. I love being in Newport Beach. When I’m here, it feels like home. Walking outside on the balcony, facing the ocean, I lean against the railing and listen to the waves crashing against the shore, soothing my nerves and helping me stay calm. Being near the water helps me put things in perspective and gives me a chance to really think.