Offbeat

by S. Moose

  I cringe, “Good morning to you too. I hate them. I’m so afraid of heights. I won’t even ride a roller coaster.”

  “Perfect.”

  I don’t respond. What’s he up to? “Why are you calling me so early?”

  “Get up now and be ready in 15.”

  “Ugh. Fine.”

  I get out of bed and quickly get ready. Putting on shorts and a zip up hoodie, I throw my hair in a ponytail and head downstairs. My parents are away this weekend in Canada. They asked if I wanted to go. Honestly, I’m exhausted from working and need a few days to lay low.

  Grabbing a quick breakfast, I hear the door open and see Ryan walking in with a smile on his face. I smile back and turn away. Part of me feels like I’m cheating. Guilt takes over and I feel a little uneasy. I want to cancel today and go back to my room.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I answer. “Just feeling a little tired.”

  “Lies,” he responds and walks to me. “Whatever it is, you’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise,” he tells me, rubbing my shoulders. “Come on.” We head out of my house and to his car.

  Ryan opens the door for me and as soon as he gets in he starts the car and drives. I still don’t know where we’re going. For some reason, I’m not uncomfortable either. I trust Ryan and trust is so hard to earn these days. He has no idea what he’s doing for me and I don’t want to tell him, either.

  His hand grazes mine, causing a bit of a shock to me. I don’t pull away. “Can you give me a hint?”

  “We’ll be there soon.” I see a hint of a smile on his face. “And by the way, you look beautiful.”

  Instantly, I blush. The only person who has ever called me beautiful is Tyler. My heart aches thinking about him. He hasn’t texted me back and I know he’s upset with me for hanging out with Ryan. Glad he’s not here to see it now. I pull out my phone and send him a text message.

  Me: Good morning!

  “Where’s your head at?” Ryan asks.

  “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Liar.” He’s not buying it.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Just then, Ryan pulls the car to the side of the road and puts the car in park. He turns to look at me. “What?” I ask.

  “I think we need to come up with a plan.”

  I sigh, “What plan?”

  “In order for this friendship to work, we need to be able to be honest with one another and not keep secrets. Don’t be like those other girls and say nothing, when you really mean something. I hate guessing. Plus, I’m a guy and the language of women is so confusing. I know when you say nothing, something is wrong.”

  “Thought you said our language is confusing.”

  “It is,” he laughs, “so let’s try again. Where. Is. Your. Head. At?”

  I roll my eyes, “Tyler and I are weird right now. I wish the both of you would talk and not let your fight get in the way of being brothers. It makes me feel guilty that I’m here hanging out with you when he’s asked me to come out to California multiple times and it doesn’t help that he comes back next week and I haven’t figured anything out.”

  “I see. Well, do you still love him?”

  I nod. “Forever. I only broke up with him because I didn’t want to hold him back. The rape changed me. I’m not the same girl that I was. I have bad nightmares. He treats me like a child, like a project that he needs to fix. I get it, but I think we needed space and time apart.”

  “What you and Tyler have is special.” Ryan whispers, “It’s not something you can always find. My brother loves you and the both of you belong together.”

  “I know he does and I love him too.”

  “Do you know how hard it is to be back here?” I shake my head and listen. “It’s one of the hardest things I have to do because I know what I need to do.” He takes my hand and places our hands on his lap. “I will always choose you. Before, I didn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s my nature to hurt people and leave a path of destruction. Tyler’s the better brother and I’m the demon spawn.”

  I glance up and see his pale face looking down. His hand is still on mine and I’m not sure what else he wants to say. I’m afraid to respond. I have no words. Ryan’s always been the different one. He’s a puzzle I can never put together. With me, he was sweet and sincere. I saw his destructive nature and how he treated people. Never me though.

  “Why did you leave me?”

  “Do you really want to do this now?”

  I breathe in a breath. “Yes.”

  “Because you deserve better.” I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head and feeling his grip get tighter. “You didn’t need me and I couldn’t stick around. The thing is,” he pauses and looks away then back to me, “I love you.”

  “What?”

  Ryan’s hand comes to my face. He gently touches it, tracing a line from my cheek to my lips. “Your lips are soft,” he whispers, “we should get going.”

  “Not until you explain what you just said.”

  “That I love you and I’ll always choose you. There’s nothing to talk about. You and my brother need to be together and you need to be happy.”

  It takes me a minute to register everything he just admitted to me. What the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Getting out of the car, I put my hands on my head and let out a groan. I hear a car door close.

  “Why did you tell me this?” I scream, not able to look at him.

  “Because I needed to and now you know.”

  “What the fuck do you want?”

  “Nothing.” I turn around and see him leaning against his car with his arms crossed, “I want nothing. Just for you to be happy.”

  “This is so wrong. I mean, you can’t just tell me you love me and you’ll always pick me and then think it’ll be okay. You’re confusing me and I don’t want to be confused. My life is supposed to be with Tyler.”

  “Then be with Tyler. It’s not hard to figure out, Bayleigh.”

  Part of me wants to tell him about the mixed feelings. Something’s stopping me and before I can talk, my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s a text message from Tyler. I can’t bring myself to open it when I’m standing here arguing with Ryan.

  “You don’t drop a bomb on someone and then expect them to be okay. How do you expect me to react?”

  “Like nothing. I told you what I told you and now you have to be okay with it. I don’t expect anything. Now can we go please? After, we can talk more about it.”

  I want to argue more and fight. There are so many questions circling my head and nothing is sitting right with me. Instead of saying anything else, I get back in the car and close the door. Ryan follows and starts the car, continuing down the road. My heart drops when we make it to the place he wants to take me. I see a helicopter and suddenly I can’t feel my feet.

  “No. Nope. No.”

  “Come on, Bayleigh. Conquer your fears.”

  “Take me to the damn zoo or through a haunted house. Hell, lock me in a closet. I am not going on that death trap. Do you want me to die?”

  “Come on, silly girl.” He gets out of the car and walks to my side. I am holding onto the door for dear life so I don’t have to go up in that thing. When Ryan opens the door, he quickly unbuckles me and pulls me out. I’m holding onto the seat, refusing to leave. “If you don’t let go, I’ll tickle you.”

  “You wouldn’t.” He cocks his brow and his hands find my sides and tickle me. Holy shit, he’s tickling me and touching me and I’m really turned on.

  “Life is about taking chances. Here’s your chance to do something you’ve never done before, Bayleigh.” Ryan lets go and holds his hand out to me. I let out a sigh and look at him. He’s right. Life is about taking chances, but I’d like to take baby steps first.

  “Are you sure we’ll be safe?”

  “Yes. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “Okay.” Getting out of the car, I place my hand in his and w
e walk to the helicopter. I say a silent prayer.

  Our pilot, Zion, helps us in and buckles us inside, while going over what he’s going to do and how safe we are up here. Yes, because being thousands of feet off the ground is so safe. I roll my eyes and feel Ryan’s hand on my knee. When I look at him, I see his eyes on me.

  “Don’t be afraid. Remember, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “Okay.”

  The corners of his mouth turn up and he stares at me when Zion gets into his seat and takes off. I like how he pushes me. It’s nice not to be coddled.

  “Are you going to stare at me the whole time?”

  “I like to look at beautiful things,” he tells me. “You look really nice today.”

  I blush, “Thank you.”

  “You know,” he starts to say, “I like making you smile.”

  “Why?”

  “Because when you smile, there’s a slight sparkle to your brown eyes. It’s like watching the sun set. The colors are beautiful, just like your eyes dancing when you’re happy. It’s nice to see that.”

  The more he talks to me, the more relaxed I am. At first I was a little nervous because I’m not sure how to act or what to say. He loves me and came back for me. What the hell am I going to do now? I look out the window and feel my heart beating out of my chest. Oh shit, we’re really high up. I can’t believe this is happening. Quickly, I shut my eyes. Then I feel Ryan’s hand run down my arm and his fingers lace through mine.

  “Breathe, Bayleigh. It’s going to be okay. Whenever you’re ready, open your eyes.” His voice is calm and soothing. I need him to keep talking.

  “Keep talking, please.”

  “Hold my hand.” I do as he says and squeeze his hand. “Good girl. Breathe in and out. You’re doing a great job. Whenever you’re ready, open your eyes and look at me.” I turn my head and slowly open my eyes. “There’s my brown eyed beauty. Are you okay?”

  “Feeling a little better,” I whisper.

  He strokes the top of my hand with his thumb. “Good. Keep looking at me and when you can, turn around and look outside. You’re missing a great view.”

  I inhale through my nose and hold my breath, slowly turning around and letting my breath go through my lips. He’s right. The view is amazing. We’re flying over the lake and it’s beyond beautiful.

  “Wow! Oh my god! Ryan I’m flying. I’m high in the air. Oh,” I sigh, “you’re right. It’s so beautiful.”

  “Yeah, so beautiful,” he mutters softly. Heat rises in my cheeks. I’m not sure if he’s talking about the view or me.

  After the helicopter ride, we head out for dinner and both of us are craving sushi. We decide on the same restaurant we went to before for lunch and are seated after waiting a few minutes. My head is still light from the ride and my adrenaline is kicking. I still can’t believe I did that. Part of me is happy and I feel better.

  When he drops me off at home and walks me to the door, I lean on my tippy toes and gently kiss his cheek. We stand in front of one another for a moment and it seems perfect. I’m still not sure how to register everything and I need to understand what’s going on.

  His hand rests on the small of my back. “What was that for?”

  “Thank you for today. I had a lot of fun.”

  “I’m glad you did.”

  We say goodnight and I watch Ryan walk home. He doesn’t look back. I don’t know why I feel a little hurt. Instead of going in, I sit on the swing, watching his house, wondering what he’s doing. The fascination I have for Ryan is driving me crazy. This shouldn’t be happening.

  But it is.

  “Honey where are you off to?”

  “Morning Mom,” I go up and kiss her cheek. “Just going to hang out with Ryan. Not sure what we’re doing today.”

  “Ryan, huh?”

  “Yes,” I tell her, “is that okay?”

  “How’s Tyler doing?”

  It’s not that she asked how he’s doing. It’s her tone. She’s giving me a look and it’s making me mad. The kink of her brow and the way her eyes are on me. The judgment she’s expressing is making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Yes, Tyler is the love of my life and yes, we’re trying to work things out. Ryan’s my best friend and I care very much about him. I admit I’m very confused about my feelings. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s around and keeping me busy and it’s strictly friends or if there’s something more. But, for now, with Tyler gone, I need to spend time with Ryan and figure it all out. The difference between the Scott brothers is that Ryan is pushing me and making me face my fears. We’re going through my bucket list and he’s peeling back the layers. He’s not afraid to hurt my feelings and when I look into his eyes, I see me. Then the other part of it is the secret he’s hiding from me. Even though we haven’t talked about it, he’s going to have to talk about it sooner or later, preferably sooner before Tyler comes home.

  “Mom, it’s Ryan. We’ve been best friends for so long. Why are you worried?”

  My mom doesn’t answer. She keeps herself busy, making my dad lunch, and doesn’t look at me anymore.

  “Mom?”

  “When I look at you I see Tyler, honey. I don’t want you to forget who he is and what he’s done for you.” I honestly don’t appreciate the emphasis on her words and it’s really starting to bother me. “When two people love each other the way you and Tyler do, a relationship shouldn’t be hard.”

  “It’s not that. Mom, it’s hard for me to be close to anyone, let alone him. Don’t you get it?” She doesn’t answer me. “Mom, I was raped.” As soon as I say it, she winces and closes her eyes. “My life will never be the same. I want to be sure I’ll be good enough for him. Please understand.”

  My mom doesn’t say anything. Instead, she stops making dad’s lunch and comes over to me. Pulling me in for a hug, I feel her tight arms around me.

  “I have to go.” She nods and kisses the top of my head before letting me go. I don’t look at her. Grabbing my purse, I head over to Ryan’s house and walk inside, up the stairs to his room. I hear music playing from his room and walk inside to see him sitting down against the wall with a frame in his hand.

  “Hey,” I say, walking in and joining him on the floor. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I haven’t felt this good in a while,” he turns and smiles at me. Putting down the picture, he takes my hand. “Let’s head out to the lake house.”

  The drive to Canandaigua is quiet. We listen to music and I notice how focused he is while driving. I wonder what he’s thinking about, if he’s thinking about anything at all. There’s a lot going through my head and I wonder if he’s feeling the same. It really shouldn’t matter because I know who I love and who I want to be with. When he comes home, I’m going to tell him I want him back. And I’m only here with Ryan because we’re friends and it’s only confusing because they’re twins and when I’m with Ryan I think of Tyler. That’s the only thing I can think that makes sense. I love Tyler. Forever.

  I notice Ryan’s not going the way that takes us to the lake house. I look around to figure out where he’s taking us.

  “Ry?”

  “Batting cages,” he simply answers and makes a right turn, then goes straight. “Remember, that’s on your list and I think it’ll be good for you and I.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I don’t know. You’ve been busy at work and I have a lot on my mind. We both need to take out our stress, don’t you agree?”

  “I guess,” I answer and look at him. “What’s going on with you?”

  His cocky smirk makes my heart race. I see his hand lift from the steering wheel and head towards my knee. My body tenses and freezes. Why am I acting like this? We’ve been best friends for so long and now he’s back so we can hang out and be like we used to be. Watching his smirk grow and the way he’s handling the car with one hand, while using his other hand to touch me, holy hell why am I feeling like this? Everything feels out of control. Does he know w
hat he’s doing to me?

  “Again, what’s going on with you? I ask, hoping this will distract me so I don’t think about his hand resting on my knee or the sexy smirk or thinking about that tongue of his.

  Tongue? No. I can’t. What the fuck is wrong with me? I love Tyler and I’m not okay with this. Yes, even though Ryan needs me, he needs me like a best friend needs their partner in crime. We’re two peas in a pod and have the best kind of friendship.

  “I’ll tell you if you can successfully hit the ball three times.”

  Bastard. He knows I can’t, but fine, challenge accepted. “Fine. Deal. Let’s do this.”

  We make it to the batting cages and I hurry out to get ready. While at the machines, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I look around and see people with helmets on and in the proper stance. Shit, I hate baseball. I’m never going to be able to hit the balls.

  Ryan makes it back over to me and hands me my gear. Putting it on, I head inside and pray I can do this. I feel his eyes on me and I’m not sure what that’s making me do. I block out his stares and focus on winning this damn bet.

  Feeling his hands on my hips causes a burning sensation in my body. I close my eyes and try to regulate my breathing so I can calm down. This is crazy. His hands gently stroke down my arm to my wrist and he moves me so I’m in the right position.

  “Like this,” he tells me, his voice husky and deep. “All you have to do is keep your eyes on the ball,” he instructs, keeping his hands on my hips. Fuck, we’re really close together. “The ball is going to come soon. Do you feel it coming?”

  “Coming? Ball? What?”

  “Focus, Bayleigh. The ball will come really fast and hard. Just keep your eyes steady and trust me. I won’t let anything hurt you.”

  “Okay.” The ball comes my way, I swing and miss. This goes on for a few minutes and I’m getting frustrated. “I can’t do this!” I scream. “Why are we here? Why do I have to hit these balls?”

  “You need to face your fears and do it.”

  I glare at him, “Well, I don’t freaking want to, so let’s go.”

  His hands are on my shoulder, his eyes are on mine, and his expression is intense. He’s gritting his teeth and there’s nothing in his eyes; just the beautiful baby blues I’ve been seeing for the past few weeks. “Get. Back. In. There.”