Offbeat

by S. Moose

  I think about Tyler and count down the days until he’s back. I miss him. I hold my phone and curse myself. This shouldn’t be this hard.

  Me: Hey sorry . . . been busy. How are you?

  I wait for a little while and still there’s nothing from Tyler. Turning off my light, I let my eyes close, thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing.

  “Tell me how good this feels,” he grips my hair and pulls. I wince and cry, not able to tell him to stop. “Tell me.”

  “Please stop,” I tell him, “this isn’t what I want. Please don’t do this anymore.”

  “No,” he screams, yanking my head back, “tell me now!”

  “It feels so good,” I cry, my voice trembling.

  Waking up in a pool of sweat, I cover my face and remember that I’m in my room. Tony isn’t here. I’m safe. I grab my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings and it goes to voicemail.

  “I had a,” I pause to regain my voice, “bad dream,” I cry. “Just wanted to talk. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.” My voice trails off and I try to go back to sleep. Only, it’s not working.

  Getting out of bed, I look at the time. Three in the morning. I’m so tired, but I’m scared to go back to sleep. Grabbing my laptop, I pull up the meeting notes for today and review the notes, highlighting the important parts and adding a few suggestions.

  Before I know it, I’m in the office and we’re in a meeting. I keep looking at my phone and still there’s nothing from Tyler or Ryan. I sigh and focus again on the meeting.

  After back-to-back meetings and a one on one with Damon, I’m back in my office. I have a few things to do for him. Settling in at my desk, I fix the Excel reports for this quarter and add a few notes for Damon to look at. It’s close to eight and my phone has been quiet. Getting up, I stretch my arms over my head and feel my body cracking. I’m still not done with what I have to finish for tomorrow.

  My phone rings just as I’m ready to look at the next report. The screen shows Ryan’s name and I smile. “Hey, what’s going on?”

  “I need you to come pick me up, please.” The anguish in his voice has me up from my seat and rushing downstairs.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m . . .” his voice trails off and I hear him crying, “hospital. Come get me, please.”

  “On my way.”

  I rush to the hospital and find Ryan sitting on the bench. I quickly park the car and run outside. Kneeling in front of him, I see the pain in his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He pulls out a bottle of tequila and downs it. Wiping his mouth he looks at me, “Bad appointment and I’m drunk. I don’t want to go back to the house and I don’t know where else to go,” he looks down and takes another drink. I grab the bottle and toss it in the bushes. “Hey! What the fuck?” he yells.

  “No! You don’t need that,” I yell back. “I’m sorry you had a bad appointment. What happened?”

  “Nothing. Just a physical. I’m fine,” he says looking at me. “You know,” he lowers his voice, “seeing you and your smile makes it worth it.”

  “Come on. You can sleep at my house.”

  He nods and gets up. I help him to my car and send a quick text to my parents letting them know about Ryan. When we get to my house and into the living room, I grab a glass of water and crackers and place them on the nightstand. The couch has blankets and pillows.

  “Lie down here,” I tell him. Easing him down, I take a seat on the other couch and watch him pull the blanket over his body. “Will you tell me what today was about?”

  “No.”

  “Well, you’ve been gone for a few days and I have to pick you up from the hospital. Are you okay? Should I be worried? Does your mom know?”

  “Just stop talking. I don’t want to talk about me.”

  Neither of us talk. I think Ryan needs the calm and quiet right now. My eyes dart around the room to see if my parents will come out and talk to us. They don’t.

  “I had a bad dream,” I tell him, “and I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m not sure how to handle these dreams. I know it’ll come and I know I have to deal with what happened. It’s just hard.” I break the silence after a few minutes.

  “Can you come here and sit next to me?”

  “Sure.” I get up and sit by his hip and his hand rests on my thigh. “Can I get you anything?”

  “Not right now,” he whispers, closing his eyes. “Just need you next to me.” He rests his hand on mine, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you had a dream. Are you okay?

  His soothing voice is making me feel a little better. “You need to know he can’t hurt you. I know it’s hard, but let that shit go and remember you only have one life to live. Don’t live in fear or else you’ll miss everything.”

  “I guess so,” I answer. “So I’m going to head upstairs. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “I need you to stay with me tonight. Please.”

  I look at him and smile. “Okay.”

  My parents are out of town for the weekend and Ryan is on his way over. Taking the cookies I’m baking out of the oven, I set the tray down and look at my phone.

  Ty: Hey. Are you okay?

  I roll my eyes. It’s been days and now he wants to text me.

  Ty: I’m sorry, I had to get a new phone and I’ve been busy with work . . . Talk to me, are you okay?

  Me: You seem pretty tight with Serena . . . Going out and having fun . . . I mean, you’re single so you can do that.

  Ty: Please don’t do this . . . I am sorry . . . Are you okay?

  Me: Yep. Fine. Ryan was over the other night and we talked . . . And yes, I am busy . . . Ryan’s coming over and we’re gonna watch movies . . .

  Ty: I’m glad you have my brother there to help you . . . I should get to the point of this text . . . I have to stay in Cali a little longer . . . I’m not sure when I’ll be home, maybe in another week or something . . . They’re having me start a project here and then once it’s been set up, I can bring it back to Rochester and finish it.

  Whatever. I really don’t care and I really shouldn’t be mad. We’re both single and he’s doing his thing in California while I’m here doing what I need to. This is my idea. This is what I wanted.

  Me: That’s awesome, Ty . . . I’m proud of you . . . Of course, I wish you were coming home sooner.

  Ty: I know . . . I miss you . . . So, what’s going on with you and my brother? The both of you seem cozy . . .

  Me: Like you and Serena? You still haven’t answered what I asked earlier

  Ty: Serena’s my friend

  Me: And Ryan’s mine

  Ty: And you don’t like him or anything?

  Guilt spills over my guts. I wish there was a time machine I could get into and reverse time. This is not what I need right now.

  Ty: You’ve never lied to me, so please don’t lie to me now.

  Me: I’m confused . . . I love you, but there’s something about Ryan . . . It’s easier with him.

  Ty: I’ve been trying to get you back and trying to get you to do things . . . Anything . . . And shit, you push me away. So wtf Bay, what am I?

  Me: You are my best friend and I’m sorry you feel this way . . . IDK what else you want me to say . . .

  Ty: Fine, whatever. I already know how this is gonna play out.

  Me: Enlighten me!

  I wait for Tyler to text back and he doesn’t. I call him and the call goes straight to voicemail. This isn’t good. We never end a conversation like this. I sit on a chair in the kitchen and rest my head in my hands. Is this possible? I mean, what exactly am I doing?

  The doorbell rings, bringing me back to the present. I get up and put my phone in my back pocket, not wanting to think about Tyler and his nonsense. Opening the door to let Ryan in, he gives me a hug and follows me into the kitchen.

  “Oh, chocolate chip cookies,” he laughs, taking one off the tray and taking a bite. “What the . . .” he runs to the sink and spits out the cookie, tur
ning on the faucet and drinking the water.

  “What?”

  “Why are these so damn salty?”

  “Huh?” I take a small bite and nearly hurl. “How’d I do that?” I go through the ingredients and realize I mixed up the sugar and salt. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I hold in my laughter.

  “Way to go. You seriously failed at making chocolate chip cookies. Who does that?”

  “Apparently me,” I laugh again.

  “New nickname. Instead of calling you silly, I’ll call you Chip so we can remember this day.”

  “Chip? Isn’t that a boy name?”

  “So? Ryan is unisex. I declare Chip a unisex name too!”

  “Whatever you say. Come on, let’s watch The Fault in Our Stars.” There’s a groan from Ryan and I laugh. I’m not going to let Tyler ruin today. He asked me a question and I’ve never lied to him, so I didn’t want to start. He needs to know the truth and what’s going on.

  So then why do I feel like my heart’s breaking and there’s a heavy weight resting on my chest?

  Taking my phone out of my pocket, I check it again and see nothing from Tyler. I have to ignore him and maybe he’s letting out steam before we talk. Who knows?

  “Go ahead and get set up, I’ll be in soon.” I nod and turn out of the kitchen to start the movie. Looking for my phone, I realize it’s in the kitchen. When I get back, Ryan’s looking through it.

  “Ahhh, hello?” I snatch the phone from him. “Seriously?”

  “Why are you and Tyler fighting?”

  “Just drop it, okay?”

  “Not until we talk about this.” He takes my hand and we sit across from each other in the living room. I don’t know what to say or where to start. As I feel his eyes on me, I close my own and think about what I want to say. Life is a mystery and we have to make it our own. I can’t bottle in my emotions all the time.

  “I’m confused about what’s going on between us. I mean, I know we’re best friends and I know you love me and the times we’ve spent together have been really fun. You do something to me and I can’t explain it.” He smiles and takes my hand. “I’m afraid to not have you.”

  Ryan puts his head down and stands up. I follow suit. “I do love you, but I think you’re misunderstanding me. We’re best friends. That’s all I can give you right now. Don’t take it the wrong way or anything. I don’t like anyone,” he laughs, holding my shoulders.

  “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

  “Don’t put me in that spot. You can’t put me on a pedestal. Like I said, we’re friends and I don’t want to make your life hard. As much as I love you and care about you, we’re meant to be friends. You’re meant to be with my brother.”

  Tears roll down my face. Standing in front of him, telling him how I feel, all I want is to feel. His fingers gently wipe away my tears and he gently kisses my forehead.

  “Don’t worry. You won’t lose me, Bayleigh.”

  “I feel like I am. You make things better. I can breathe around you.” Wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders, I lean in to kiss him, but he turns his head and my lips land on his cheek. Neither of us says anything. I’m not sure what to say. How can he change his feelings all of a sudden? What the hell is going on?

  “Let’s go and finish the movie.” He takes my hand and leads me out of the room. My head is foggy and I’m more confused than ever before.

  Since telling her I’ll be in California longer, something seems off. We haven’t talked and I don’t know where her head is at. What she said about being confused is weighing on me. I need to go back to Rochester and get answers. We can’t have this conversation over the phone because I know she’ll hide from me and tell me what I want to hear. Right now, I need the truth and I need it now. She needs to understand I’m done with these games.

  But I’m stuck in the office with Anna.

  It doesn’t take long before she realizes I’m not going to touch her or do anything with her along those lines. She’s been giving me looks all night. We’re both working late to finalize the presentation and all she’s doing is lifting her skirt higher and pushing her boobs in my face. To any other guy, sure they’d want her. She’s hot and completely fuckable.

  Not what I want.

  “If you’re not going to help me, then you can leave. Stop trying to get me. It’s not going to work.”

  “I want to take your mind off things. I’m not looking for a relationship. You know this.”

  I put up my hand, “First you want one and it’s not going to happen. We talked about this. You told me you wanted to be friends. I don’t understand how much clearer I can be. What do you want? Anna, I’m trying here. I don’t know what else I have to say to you. You are a friend, but soon you’re not going to be anything if you keep this up.”

  Anna crosses her arms and sits down on the floor, “I know and I remember everything I said to you, but you’ve been so sad lately. It’s like I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the same.”

  I roll my eyes, “I have a lot on my mind and no, I don’t want to talk about those issues with you.”

  “I know you and Bayleigh are having issues” she starts to say, “I mean, we all know you love her and want to be with her and she’s treating you like you’re nothing. So, why do you put up with it?”

  “Because that’s what you do when you’re in love. You fight and you wait. You pray that everything will be okay and she’ll come back. You never let go of love completely.”

  I stop what I’m doing and pick up the bottle of water next to my leg. Holding it in my hand I take a few gulps, look down and put the bottle back next to me. “It’s complicated. A few years ago something happened and it changed our lives. She’s trying to get her life in order and keeps pushing me away because she thinks I deserve better.”

  “Well, what do you think?”

  “I think that she needs space and that’s fine. But I need to know what else is going through her head. We don’t talk about anything anymore. I don’t want to hound her, because apparently I do. That’s the thing,” I pause, “I love her so much that it clouds my mind. Nothing makes sense without her. Everything is Bayleigh. I’m turning into a pussy.”

  “No you aren’t,” she calmly responds, “don’t be so hard on yourself. It sucks now because love is never supposed to be easy. If you want to be with her and you think your love is strong enough then take a chance. You never know what’ll happen.”

  Taking a deep breath, I finish my water and nod my head. “Thanks Anna. We need to finish this.”

  After the presentation and work, I head back to the hotel and pack my things. I’m finishing the rest of the project in Rochester and need to get shit figured out. I never should have left her or taken this promotion until she was able to come with me. Everything I do, I’m doing it for her.

  Confirming my flight, I head downstairs and get in the taxi. Going through security at LAX is surprisingly fast. I think about telling her I’m on my way home, but I don’t. I need to catch her off guard.

  The flight is fast and I don’t have time to think of a plan. Everything’s jumbled in my head. All I can focus on is seeing her and hearing her voice. Talking to her on the phone isn’t enough. If she can see me and hear me out for a few minutes, I’ll feel better.

  Pulling up to her house in the rental, I stop and look to see her sitting on the swing. She’s laughing, smiling and there’s something different about her. She seems lighter and happier. My eyes go to the person next to her.

  Ryan.

  Their eyes are on each other and she’s hanging onto his every word. Physical pain I can’t describe burns in my chest. I close my eyes, ignoring the pain inside me. As much as I want to get out of the car and beg her to listen, I know I’ll end up the loser in this game. It never occurred to me this is where we’d be; that after eighteen years of friendship and our whole lives being in love, that this is where our lives would take us. She doesn’t care anymore. I’m the only one in love when it com
es to her and me.

  I look back and see her in his arms. She’s laughing so hard I think she’s going to end up on the ground. I never could make her laugh like that or smile. Whenever we were together, it felt forced. It’s all making sense now.

  I wait a little bit longer before leaving the car to talk to her. When he leaves, I take a few breaths and walk up the porch to ring her doorbell.

  “Ryan, what’d you forget?” I hear her ask. My eyes are on the swing and all I can see is her and I, holding hands, laughing and talking about the future. Now the swing’s tainted. “Tyler?”

  I lift my head and force a smile. “Hi.”

  “What are you doing here?” she asks, opening the door to let me in. “Oh my gosh, did you just get here?”

  “Been here for a while. I ah, was in the car. Didn’t want to bother you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  So many emotions are building inside of me. I don’t know how to remain calm and not appear jealous. When I left for California, I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. Now with my brother back, something is off and I need to figure this out before I lose my shit.

  “You seemed busy. How is my brother doing?”

  “Ryan’s fine,” she eyes me, “why don’t you go talk to him?” Bayleigh busies herself in the kitchen, getting me a glass and filling it with lemonade. “I mean, we can talk later. We have a lot to talk about.”

  “Yeah, of course we do and that’s why I’m here.” I stop talking and really look at her. She’s different. There’s something light and happy about her. She’s not sad or holding walls up and all it took was for Ryan to come back. “I have to leave tomorrow night, so I hope you have time to talk to me and hang out.”

  “Of course.” She takes my hand and we head outside to her deck. I watch her sit down and cross her legs. The sun is out and it’s shining down on her. Damn, she’s so fucking beautiful. “I know this is hard for you to understand and I’m sorry I’m so confused. Both of you have been my best friends since we were little. I love you Tyler, and I love Ryan.”