Morgan, Nicole - Love Knows No Boundaries (Siren Publishing Allure)

by Love Knows No Boundaries (lit)

  Although it was strange, Sean truly hadn’t thought of it that way. He suddenly felt calmer. Jake was right. Izzy was still with him. She just needed more time. As long as they were together, he would and could be patient with her. How could he not have seen it? As long as she was at home waiting for him they stood a chance. That was a chance he was definitely not going to let slip through his fingers.

  * * * *

  Izzy froze at the sound of the front door closing. He was home. She had been dreading this moment for the past three hours, ever since her mother had left. But she had been right. She needed to be honest with Sean. She owed him at least that.

  “Izzy. Are you awake? I brought home your favorite,” she heard him yell from downstairs. Her favorite. Chinese. She could already smell it. Oh, she wished there was someone there to help her with what she was about to do. She walked toward the stairs and then descended them. One at a time, step after step, she replayed in her mind everything she was going to say to him. Finally, after the sixty-second walk to the kitchen, there he was, standing there, looking at her with love in his eyes. Love that she knew she couldn’t return.

  “Hi. Did you have a good day today?” Did he sound pleasant enough? The quiet tension that been looming between them needed to be exorcised.

  “Um, yeah. I met with Clarice this morning.” The sweet older lady who had been her rape counselor for the past two weeks had truly been a godsend. Isabelle hardly cried anymore and she was beginning to make sense of some of her conflicting emotions.

  “Good. Listen, sit down. I’ll get some plates and then I would like to talk to you.”

  Without waiting, he turned to reach for the plates in the cupboard and brought them to the table.

  He reached over and took her hand.

  “Izzy, I wanted to—.”

  “Sean, I want to move back home.” Oh God. She had rehearsed the heartfelt speech she had intended to give him for the past three hours and now she just blurts it out like an insensitive shrew.

  Stunned, Sean dropped Izzy’s hand from his.

  “What?”

  “Oh, Sean, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to say it like that. I was just so nervous and it slipped out.”

  Sean swallowed the uncomfortable lump of distress that had lodged in his throat.

  “You want to leave?” Please say no. Say I misunderstood.

  Nodding, she reached for his hand, which was quickly jerked away.

  “I’m sorry, Sean.” She choked on a bitter laugh. “It’s funny, isn’t it? I have been apologizing to you for one thing or another ever since—well, I’m sorry. I plan to move out tomorrow.”

  His lungs burned. He couldn’t breathe. And he was fairly certain that his heart had stopped beating. She was leaving. The one ray of hope that he had was dim as all hell.

  “No!” Sean got up from his chair, which effectively slammed it against the wall. “I won’t let you go!”

  “Sean, please. I’m sorry. I know you’re upset, I wish I could change the way—.”

  “You can! Right now you can change it. Just say you didn’t mean it.” Kneeling in front of her he took her hands. “Please, Izzy. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave.”

  Not able to handle the anguish she saw in his eyes, she looked away.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t live with you anymore, Sean.”

  “Why? Baby, I love you. I know it’s been hard. I know I haven’t done everything right. I’ll change though. I’ll fix things. I’ll do whatever it takes. Just say you’ll stay.”

  Still refusing to meet his eyes, she shook her head and felt the tears escape.

  “No. I have to leave, Sean. Please say you understand. Please. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I thought you were angry with me.”

  Sean took his hands to her face, forcing her to look at him.

  “I will, though. If you leave I will be so angry with you.”

  Although the words were painful to hear they lost their effectiveness with the sorrow in his voice.

  “Don’t do that to me. Please don’t do that. I can’t stay here anymore. It’s too painful.”

  He was sincerely shocked by her statement.

  “It’s painful to be here? With me?”

  She had been afraid of this.

  “It’s not you, Sean. It’s me. Well, really it’s us. It’s what we once were. What we no longer are.”

  He was shaking his head.

  “No. No, you were hurt and it was horrible but it’s over and with time you’ll see that—.”

  “It won’t work. I’ve tried, I swear I have. But we can’t be together anymore.”

  “Wait a minute. Before you just said you were moving out. Now you’re ending things? Permanently?” For the love of God please say no. Tell me that isn’t what you’re saying.

  “Ending what, Sean?” She exhaled a big breath, angry with herself for her sarcastic tone. “I’m sorry. It’s just that—don’t you see? Ever since that night we have really been nothing more than roommates and it’s only gotten more tense between us with every day that passes.”

  “But I thought that was what you needed. I was trying to give you space. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “I know. Sean, you have been so completely wonderful. You have been compassionate and patient. But that’s just the problem; no amount of patience can handle what your future with me could hold.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve thought about it, Sean. I have analyzed it and struggled over it. I’ve talked to Clarice and my mom.” Tell him. Explain it to him. You owe it to him. “Sean, you deserve a woman, a complete and whole woman who can give you the things that you need and deserve. I can’t give you those things.”

  “No, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re the only one who can give me what I need. You are what I need.” He would not lose her.

  Needing to be away from him she rose from her chair. She started to walk away from him but he grabbed her and spun her around.

  “Listen to me. You can’t leave our home. I love you. I will do whatever it takes to make things okay again. Let me help you.”

  His grip on her arms was intensifying.

  “Sean, you’re hurting me.”

  He loosened his fingers but refused to let go.

  “I love you. Do you understand that? I hate what happened to you, but it doesn’t change who you are or what you are. You are my Izzy.” He began to cry as he framed her face and brought his mouth close to hers. “My sweet Izzy. Baby, please. Please don’t this.”

  It had been so long and he ached so severely. He had to; he couldn’t have stopped himself if his life depended on it. He placed his lips against hers and kissed her. He kissed her with everything that he was, to show her, so she would see where she belonged.

  The feel of his mouth against hers felt so wonderful, so perfect. But she knew she had to stop it. She knew it couldn’t continue; it wasn’t fair to him. She pulled away.

  “Stop.”

  “Don’t you see, baby? I know you felt it too. That’s how good we are together. We can have that again. That and so much more. Just don’t go.”

  “That’s just it, Sean. That’s it period, that’s all we can ever have. Can you really honestly tell me that you would be satisfied with a life of kisses and nothing more?” There, she’d told him. Well, not exactly, but she was getting there.

  Not fully understanding his brows bunched together in confusion.

  “I don’t understand. Izzy, if you’re worried that I would rush you I wouldn’t. I swear. I would never do anything that you weren’t ready for.”

  He still didn’t understand.

  “Would you wait forever, Sean? Because that’s how long it would be.” She jerked out of his arms. He didn’t get it. He just couldn’t see what she was saying. “I don’t want it, Sean. Ever. I can’t explain it, but I know, as sure as I stand here in front of you I know I never want to—.”

  “Izzy, we have time. It doesn’t matt
er to me if it is two days, two weeks, two months, it just doesn’t matter.” He wondered how she could actually believe he would care about the sex, after everything they had been through.

  “No. God, why can’t you hear what I’m telling you?” Frustrated with him but mostly with herself, she began to pace. After several silent moments she turned to face him.

  “Sean. Listen to me, because I don’t think I’ll be able to say it more than once.”

  He nodded in agreement.

  “Okay.”

  “The idea of sex disgusts me. I know that it is a normal response for my mind and body after the rape. That’s what all the articles say, that’s even what Clarice says. But I know, I know for certain that it won’t change. I love you. God, Sean, I love you more than I could ever begin to explain.”

  “Oh, Izzy.” He had waited over a month to hear those words. His heart squeezed unbearably tight every time she didn’t return his endearments.

  “Sean, you promised you’d listen.” She waited for him to be silent. “It’s because I love you that I can’t be with you anymore. The best way I can think of to describe it is that of a young girl in puppy love. I know, it may seem strange but it’s true. I want your kisses and I want you to hold me. But that’s where it stops. I don’t want anything more. And I know for certain that it would break my heart to see the pain in your eyes when my body tensed up under your touch.”

  “Then I won’t touch you. I’ll just kiss you and—.”

  “Damn it, Sean! Listen to me!” Trying to calm her already frazzled nerves, she took a slow and steadying breath as she prayed for the strength to continue. “I don’t want you to touch me like that, ever! Never, Sean. Something in me changed that night. I have tried to deal with it, but I can’t. There is no way that I ever want to feel my body being touched intimately again. I’m sorry.”

  Seeing the look in his eyes, knowing that there was also anger there, she chose to walk away. It was the only option. She could never give him what he needed. Yes, he would be patient. She believed that. But it’s only patience if you’re waiting for something to happen. He would be waiting forever. He would be miserable, unhappy and he would never have children. No, that was not an option, so she was doing the right thing. She was sure of it.

  “Don’t you dare walk out that door, Izzy.” Sean’s voice had an edge to it.

  She threw her head back and closed her eyes.

  “Sean, I’m trying to do what’s right.”

  “What’s right?” He grabbed her wrist and spun her around. “How can leaving the man you claim to love be what’s right? Damn it, Izzy. Look at me, look in my eyes. I don’t care about the damn sex! I love you. I disagree with you. I think that in time, even if it’s ten years from now, you might change your mind. But that doesn’t matter. You seem convinced that you never will. So who cares? I sure as hell don’t.” He grabbed her and kissed her. Just like he had before. Proving to her how much she wanted to stay.

  She wanted to fight him. Desperately she wanted to push him away. Oh, but she couldn’t, the way he kissed her was so sweet. She wasn’t as sad when he kissed her like this.

  Sean broke the kiss first.

  “See, we don’t need anything else, Izzy. I love you. And you love me. That earns us a second chance. Please let us have it.” Frustrated from the situation, he pulled away this time. When he got to the kitchen sink he turned to face her. “You say no sex. Fine. No sex. All right. Now, we’re going to sit down and eat our dinner and we’re going to forget this whole ridiculous argument ever happened, because you’re staying.”

  She wanted to. She wished she could believe that any man would be okay with never making love to the woman he loved, but she knew it was a fallacy. No way would he be happy with kisses alone. And she knew from the disgust she felt at the idea of being touched that she would never, ever change her mind.

  “No, I’m not staying Sean. I wanted this to be easier. I wanted you to understand. I’m sorry.” She walked from the room, but not before reaching for her keys.

  Panic clawed at him.

  “Izzy, where are you going?” He followed her in the living room and panic turned to hysteria as she headed for the door with her purse in hand. If she left now she wouldn’t be back. He couldn’t let her go. “Izzy, wait.”

  A sad memory washed over her at the sound of his words as she reached for the door handle. That night before she first left for college he had said those exact words to her.

  “Sean.” She turned to face him. “There’s nothing left to say that–”

  He was desperate, he dropped to his knees and grabbed onto her.

  “Don’t.” His emotions were choking the words before they were able to come out.

  “Sean?” She couldn’t understand what he was trying to say.

  He looked up at her.

  “Izzy, please. I am on my knees begging you. Don’t leave, don’t leave me. I will die without you.”

  If it was possible for a heart to combust, shatter, disintegrate and harden all at the same time, it had just happened to her. The look in his eyes—until the day she died she would never forget that look.

  “Sean I can’t give you what—”

  “Yes you can. I told you.” His cries were gut wrenching. “You’re all I need. Just you. Just my beautiful and sweet Izzy.” Squeezing her tighter, he planted a small kiss to her stomach. “You’re everything to me, baby. Look what happened to me when we weren’t together. I was lost. Please don’t let me get lost again. I need you. I need you to breathe, to live, I need you to survive.”

  Framing his tear soaked face in her hands, she couldn’t form the words she needed to say. She hated herself for hurting him.

  “Izzy, what can I say? What can I do? God, you’re my soul, can’t you see that?” She couldn’t leave. She couldn’t leave.

  “Sean, if you love me, truly love me, then please let me go.” Her voice, calm and determined, didn’t waver.

  Sean stared at her, not believing what he was hearing. How could this be happening?

  “Izzy.”

  “No, enough. It is over, Sean. Please let me go.”

  Her eyes. They suddenly seemed so detached. There wasn’t even pain in them. She was just so resolved in her decision. She meant it. It was over. She was leaving him. Nothing he said or did would change that.

  He released his hold on her, the shock in his face painting a gruesome picture that she would have to carry with her the rest of her life. ‘Stay strong,’ she told herself. She walked toward the door and reached for the handle. She turned it, opened the door and was about to tell him goodbye but stopped herself. If she said just one more word to him, spoke to him in any way, she would stay. And he deserved better than that.

  Sean stayed kneeling on the floor. He watched her with horror-filled eyes as she walked out the door and closed it. He heard her car start, listened to it while it drove away. She was gone. Izzy was gone. It was over. Less than two months ago they had finally found a way to be together. Just weeks after that, their world was destroyed. She had been raped and their lives had shattered.

  Collapsing back on the floor, Sean stared at the ceiling. There were no more tears as he lay there in shock. No feeling, no pain, no ache of any kind. There was absolutely nothing. He felt nothing. His life was over. Surely when you died you were void of any feeling, any pain, any aches as you were left with nothing.

  Izzy was gone and his words had come true. His life truly was over. The sunshine that brightened his day, the reason for everything that he did was gone. He let out a guttural scream. Who was he kidding? He was filled with so much damn pain he simply wanted to die.

  “Izzy! Damn it, Izzy! Come back! Just come back!” Sean shouted into the empty house.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Izzy watched Terrance as he told Sean once again that she couldn’t come to the phone. She had heard him yell. She knew it was killing him, but she also knew that it would be easier this way. It had only been two days. On
ce he got used to not having her around, he would be able to start moving on with his life. It was for the best.

  “How long are you going to keep this up, Izzy?” Terrance had had just about enough of this whole situation. He understood her confusion and her pain. But damn it, to push Sean away like this was just plain wrong.

  “Terrance, I know that you’re upset with me. Whether you believe it or not, I am doing this for Sean. I don’t feel comfortable discussing it with you, but suffice it to say that in the long run Sean will be better off with out me.” Oh, how she wished he would understand. She truly hated how everyone was hurting.

  “Really? Hmm, interesting.” Terrance walked away from her and headed toward his study.

  She needed him to understand. She needed someone, anyone to understand. She walked into his study and stood before him at his desk.

  “What’s interesting?”

  “Your theory. The one that states that Sean would be better off without you. I think it makes you a bit of a hypocrite, wouldn’t you say?” He was angry. He knew she had been raped and he felt badly for her, he honestly did. But she was making such a horrible mistake. He knew what it was like to love someone and have them taken away from you with no warning. And here they had a chance to start over, to work together and make a life and she was just throwing it away, relying solely on her fears and indecision.

  “I hardly see how my wanting to do what’s best for Sean makes me a hypocrite. I would think, what with him being your son and all, that you would be glad that I love him enough to let him go.”

  “Glad?” He laughed at her words. “You think I should be glad? You have destroyed him!” Shouting now, Terrance no longer cared. “He would do anything in this world to help you through this. He would walk on broken glass with bare feet through an inferno if he thought it would take away even a minute amount of your pain. And you just—damn it, Izzy. You just throw that away.”

  When her mouth opened to defend her actions she found no words would come.

  “See. You can’t even say anything. You know it’s wrong. You fought tooth and nail to get Sean. You pursued him and loved him for years. Now that you have him you’re just going to throw it away because of what a selfish man did. Oh, I know you’re hurting and I know you believe that you are doing what’s best for him. But you’re not. Think about his career, his life. He’s a cop, Izzy. He’s torn apart. How can he stay focused if he consumed with heartache?”