What had he done with that magic decoder ring he had gotten from a cereal box in the second grade? Because try as he might, he had absolutely no idea what she was trying to tell him. Sure, he had a small idea. But that very small idea held very big ramifications. Deciding to play it casually he said, “No, you’re right. It is normal.” He pulled her a little closer to him and snuggled her against his chest. “We’ll watch it, then.”
And so they did. For the next few minutes they cuddled close together as they watched the couple on the screen make love. And not just any love, but wild, aggressive, sweaty and animalistic love. The scene was over and Sean was suddenly very aware of how close Izzy’s hand was to his groin. As if reading his thoughts and feeling his gaze, she looked up at him.
He had been watching her and it brought a smile to her face when she looked at him.
“That was pretty intense.”
Snap out of it! Don’t just stare at her like she is a piece of raw meat and you’re a starving lion.
“Yeah, intense.” What could he say? That it looked damned awesome and they should try it themselves. That would hardly be a good idea. “Um, are you thirsty, I could—umph.” He was quickly and abruptly silenced by Izzy’s mouth crushed against his.
She wasn’t sure what had come over her. But for some reason she needed his mouth against hers, his tongue touching hers as much as she needed air. She was devouring him, she knew it. But she didn’t care. Kissing Sean was so amazing. She didn’t know what she wanted, what would happen next but—oh the hell she didn’t. She knew exactly what she wanted. Sean. It had been so long and she thought she may never feel this way again, but right now she wanted him.
“Sean.” She whispered his name against his lips.
“Oh, Izzy.” He was breathless and he grabbed onto her and took more. He didn’t want it to end. He could kiss her like this forever. And Jesus, God, he was so damn turned on right now. If she moved her hand just a few inches she would know all too well just how turned on he was. Her tongue was doing maddening things inside of his mouth. He jolted and pulled back from her. Had she? He looked down, and she most certainly had.
“Is, is this, should I stop?” She asked, biting down on her lower lip.
Should she stop? Hell, how was he supposed to answer that? Her hand was holding the evidence of his need for her and there was no way that he wanted her to stop. But should he make her? This was like deciding between whether to be shot by a .357 magnum or a .38 special. Neither one would kill you, but they were both likely to hurt like hell and cause some serious damage.
“Sean?”
Crap! Say something.
“Do you, I mean, what do you want?”
She turned her gaze downward and away from him, embarrassed for not knowing how to tell him what was on her mind.
“I guess I thought maybe, I don’t know. What do you want me to do?”
This could go on all freaking night long. One of them had to make the first move. And there was no way that Izzy would, even if she wanted to. Sean used his thumb and forefinger to force her chin up.
“I love you, Izzy. You know that. And I want you, but I also know that you’re scared. So I don’t want to rush you into something you may not be ready for.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have started this.”
“Yes, you should have. Izzy, come on. You need to feel comfortable with me. If you felt like doing that, then you should have done it. I just don’t want you to ever do anything that you don’t want to do. That’s all.” He brushed his fingers down her cheek and rubbed them along her lower lip.
Her eyes closed as the sensation tickled her. She sighed and then smiled.
“Did you mean it when you said you wanted me? I mean, still, even after, you know, that night.”
“Oh, baby. Of course I do. I know that night changed you, in a lot of ways, but it didn’t change how I felt about you. No, I mean feel. I still feel the same way. I want you all the time. Don’t doubt that, Izzy. Don’t ever doubt what you do to me. Okay?” Kissing her forehead, he wished that they could stay this way forever. In each others’ arms. Opening up to one another and loving each other.
“What if we, I don’t know, like tried or something, you know to see if—oh, I’m really bad at this.” She let out an embarrassed laugh.
“You’re doing fine, baby. Are you talking about making love? Is that what you’re saying?” He hoped he hadn’t gone too far, said too much.
“Yes.” She said it quietly.
“Are you sure?”
“Honestly? No. But I feel like I am.” She blew out a puff of air. “What if we try and I’m not sure, I mean. What if I want to stop?”
Very firmly he placed his hands to her face, holding her, forcing her to stare into her eyes.
“Then we stop. Because I love you and I would never do anything that you weren’t comfortable with. Okay?”
She nodded. Tears welled in her eyes just barely as she giggled.
“What’s so funny?”
She shook her head.
“I just feel so stupid. I haven’t cried in over a week and now I’m crying again, but its okay, these are happy tears.”
“Good. Do you want to finish the movie?”
Shaking her head again she said, “No.” This was it. Do or die time. She had to try, not just for Sean but for herself.
Sean waited as she got off of his lap and watched her as she crossed to the television to turn it off. He got up and came behind her. Wrapping his arms around her, he kissed her neck. “Go on upstairs, Izzy. I’ll lock up and be up in a couple of minutes.”
“Okay.” She left his arms and walked slowly to the stairs. Turning back to face him, she wondered if she was doing the right thing. She smiled at him before heading up the stairs. “Nervous” didn’t even come close to describing the feeling that was consuming her right now. Maybe she wasn’t ready. Why was she suddenly so scared?
She must have gotten lost in her thoughts because suddenly she was in the bedroom and staring at the bed. Oh God! Who was she kidding? She was not ready for this. She suddenly felt sick. Running to the bathroom, she hunched over the toilet and wretched all of her dinner up.
Sean stood in the bathroom doorway and watched her. His heart felt a small crack run down the middle of it at the sight of her. She wasn’t ready. The realization hurt a little. His pride was hurt more than anything, but still he wished things could be different. He wished she could forget the past and remember how wonderful they were together. How amazing it was when they took each other to such heights of ecstasy.
She wiped her mouth and flushed the toilet. When she turned she saw him standing there. She hadn’t even realized that he had come up.
“Sean, I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
He didn’t say anything. He just went to her and wrapped his arms around her. After kissing the top of her head he told her, “It doesn’t matter. We’re here together and that’s all that does matter.”
She pulled away, if only slightly and looked up at him.
“Are you sure you’re not angry?”
He chuckled.
“No, baby. I’m not angry. I was angry when you were hurt and I was angry when you left me. But I could never be angry with you for being honest with me. I love you.” He grinned and whispered in her ear. “Now, go brush your teeth. Your dinner smelled much better going in than it did coming out.”
They both laughed.
“So does that mean you don’t want to kiss me?” She teased him as she rose to her toes to plant a big wet one on him.
He placed a hand in front of her mouth.
“That, is exactly what that means. Now go on, use that mouthwash too. Ew, that’s nasty.”
She threw a towel at him as he left the room. Smiling, she looked in the mirror as she placed toothpaste on the brush. Strange that she could never remember feeling this happy right after throwing up before.
Chapter Eighteen
Isabel
le had been worried that what had happened that night would cause tension in their relationship. But Sean, true to his word, had dropped it. Not once in the past month had he brought up making love. He hadn’t pushed her or tried anything. He was caring, compassionate, gentle, tender and everything she could ever want in a man. Almost. He was perfect, too perfect.
A part of her, the woman who hid underneath her fears and uncertainties, wanted him to push her. She wanted him to take charge and make her at least try. But he promised her that he could go the rest of his life without ever making love to her again, as long as they were together. And damn if he wasn’t keeping his word.
These stupid soap operas during the day were doing nothing to curb her desires, either. I mean, geez. Everyone was sleeping with everyone. It seemed like every scene was filled with sex. It was PG sure, but still, she would sit there and watch a couple, with such love in their eyes for one another and their passion would almost melt the television. She knew they were actors, but they were pretty damn good ones, because they sure had her buying it.
“Aaah!” she screamed in frustration as she folded the last pair of Sean’s briefs. Sean’s briefs, the little cotton things that held his—stop it. ‘My God, is that all you ever think about anymore, Isabelle?’ She silently questioned herself as she headed upstairs with the laundry basket and proceeded to put the clean clothes away.
She glanced at herself in the mirror as she closed the top drawer to the dresser. Oh my! She saw her hardened nipples making themselves known under her thin cotton t-shirt. This was getting out of hand. She needed to do something about the way she had been feeling lately, but no matter how many times she told herself that when Sean came home tonight would be the night, she always chickened out.
She wasn’t even sure why anymore. It wasn’t like she didn’t love him or feel safe with him. She knew Sean would never hurt her. And they had made love before, and she definitely could vouch for how great that was. Even though she only had met with Clarice a few times in the past month, she still tried to analyze it with her. Even Clarice seemed baffled. It was no secret that a rape victim would be frightened about the idea of being intimate with a man again. It was understandable. But what Clarice didn’t understand and what Isabelle couldn’t seem to make sense of either is that she truly wanted to and it wasn’t fear that was stopping her but something else. What that thing was, though, she had absolutely no idea. And that uncertainty was what was driving her insane.
She wanted her life back. She didn’t want the rape to control their future any longer. She had been raped. It was horrible and now a man was dead because he couldn’t deal with the pain of what he had done. And now she was miserable because she wanted Sean so badly that she ached for him every single day. But something kept stopping her.
She knew that once it finally happened, she would be over whatever was stopping her. She was sure of it. But how could she ever get there? It’s not like there was any way that Sean was ever going to make love to her as long as he knew she was still apprehensive.
No, she firmly believed that he truly would go his entire life without ever having sex again if he thought that would keep them together. Why couldn’t he be more demanding, more dominant? Why couldn’t he just take her and make her his all over again? If only there was a way to—hmm. Maybe there is. Her lips quirked up and she unconsciously licked her lips at her idea.
She could do this. She would do this. Would it work? It had to, because if she didn’t make love with Sean soon she was probably going to die. Well, not literally, but she really wanted to make love to Sean and she was tired of all of the subconscious hang ups keeping her from doing it.
Isabelle ran down the stairs and grabbed her purse on her way out the door. This would work! She got into her car and sped out of the driveway. This has to work. All she needed to do was go to her mom’s to pick up a few things, maybe stop at—
“Oh shit.”
Isabelle pulled to the curb at the sight of the red and blue lights flashing behind her. She glanced in the mirror and was no longer upset about her minor traffic violation. As the officer walked up to the car, her mind was suddenly filled with all sorts of fantasies regarding cops and their naughty little prisoners. She laughed at the thoughts that were going through her head while rolling down her window. She looked up and gave him her best smile.
“Well, ma’am, I would ask for license and registration. But since you’re so pretty I think I’ll ask for a kiss instead.” He winked at her.
“Why, officer, do I look like that kind of a woman?” she asked as she held her hand to her heart in feigned shock.
Sean’s gaze dropped to her hand, causing his smile to leave his face. He saw the dark pinkish hue seeping through her t-shirt and the little erect points jutting outward in invitation. Jesus, it had been forever since he had seen them look so delectable.
She saw what he was looking at and should have tried to hide her embarrassment. But instead she relished it, loving the fact that he was noticing her once again as a woman. Not the Izzy that he needed to protect. With a twinkle in her eye she said, “Is there a problem, officer?”
His eyes finally left her breasts and slowly trailed up to her face.
“Izzy, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am. I was just heading over to my mom’s for a bit.”
“Dressed like that?”
She glanced down and was suddenly very aware that she was merely wearing her pajama shorts and top. She had, after all been lounging around the house doing laundry. It’s not like she had plans to go anywhere. Now she was embarrassed. Like she could just march into her mother’s home in her pajamas with her shirt showing off so clearly what was going on in her mind.
“I guess I hadn’t really thought it through.”
Her statement intrigued him.
“Thought what through? Izzy, what’s going on? And why are you, I mean, are you?”
Oh hell. Just tell him.
“Fine, do you want the truth?”
He rolled his eyes.
“No Izzy, lie to me. Yes, I want the truth. What’s going on?”
“All right, fine. But you have to promise me—wait, no. I’m doing this all wrong. Do you love me?”
Sean crouched down next to the car and made a motion with his hand to Jake in the car to hold on.
“I love you more than anything, you know that.”
“Okay, well, would you, you know, like, do anything for me?” God, why was she so nervous?
Sean’s brows bunched together in confusion. “Yeah, of course I would. Izzy, you’re really starting to freak me out. What in the hell is going on?”
“Is the big bad officer getting angry with me?” What? She had thought it would come across as flirty, but instead she sounded ridiculous. She rolled her eyes.
He would have laughed if he wasn’t so damn confused.
“Izzy, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
She exhaled a very big breath and said it quickly, before her mind had a chance to catch up with her mouth.
“I want you to make love to me. I’m nervous, but I don’t care. So I want you to handcuff me to the bed and take me. I want you to love me like you used to. I want to feel you inside of me. I want all of you.” She could finally breathe.
Sean’s jaw dropped open.
“You—you—did I hear you right?”
She looked at him.
“Yes. You did.” She reached her hand to touch his cheek. “I want you, Sean. And I feel like I’ve waited so long that I have built up all these nerves that are getting in the way. I need you to take charge. I need you to make love to me and make me yours in the most essential way.”
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
“Are you sure?”
“I am. Please, Sean. Do this for me, for us. I want our lives back. What we had before. I want it all. I’m tired of being scared and I’m tired of analyzing it. So, are you going to give me a ticket or not?”
“A ticket
? Is that some sort of euphemism for—oh, you mean for the speeding.” He laughed. “No, baby. I’ll let you slide, just um, don’t go to your mother’s like that, okay?”
“Okay. So, are we, do we, I mean will you—.”
“Izzy, stop. If that is what you want, I’ll give it to you. But I want you to make sure. I love you too much to risk our future together by hurting you.”
She threw her head back against the head rest and groaned.
“Yes, Sean. Look, if you don’t hear from me by 4:00 when you get off, then assume that I have not changed my mind. And come home and make love to me like your freaking life depends on it.”
He shook his head and his eyes widened at her aggressive tone.
“Okay, babe. If I don’t hear from you by four then I’ll ah, make love you to like my life depended on it.” He leaned into the window to give her a kiss. He had meant for it to be a simple peck but she had grabbed onto him and slid her tongue inside his mouth. When the kiss ended and he pulled back slightly he whispered, “Izzy, it won’t be like my life depended on it. I truly need you.”
She smiled at him and watched in the mirror as he walked back to his vehicle. It was going to happen, finally! She needed to go home, she needed a bath and her legs needed to be shaved. And she would try that new body butter her mother had gotten her last week.
Sean and Jake pulled up beside her and she rolled down her window.
“Forget something, officer?”
Jake grinned.
“Ma’am, was this officer making inappropriate advances toward you?”
“Shut up, Jake.” Sean laughed anyway.
“Why, as a matter of fact, he did proposition me to get out of my ticket.” She threw right back, enjoying the teasing.
“Izzy, I did not.” Sean laughed even harder. “Now go home.” His eyes emphasized his smile with the last words he spoke.
“You know, ma’am,” Jake said, “if you would like to file a complaint I would be happy to—.”
“Oh, that won’t be necessary, officer. If you noticed, he didn’t give me the ticket. It’s only fair I hold up my end of the bargain.” She reached for the button to roll up her window and said, “Bye now, officers.” And she drove away feeling triumphant.
Morgan, Nicole - Love Knows No Boundaries (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 18