Tidying the cards, I kept glancing back to my phone. I’d barely escaped the lure of social media by deactivating my account, but now I had someone texting me. Life had been simpler without friends.
The memory of Ty’s arms wrapped around me, his beard tickling my ear when he talked, and the idea of meeting someone who was fine with enjoying the simple life sat like a heavy weight on my chest.
I wanted that.
I wanted him.
Was I weak?
I wanted someone who wanted me the same way, not someone who was capable of enjoying multiple women at the same time.
Yet, my hand was on my phone, without my permission.
I wanted to see the picture again. What was wrong with me? Not having sex until marriage hadn’t seemed impossible even though I’d questioned if the wait was truly necessary. I’d even imagined giving my virginity to Ty. Was I foolish or was I being tested?
I couldn’t stop my finger from tapping on the alert. And there it was, another message from Ty begging to be answered: let me know you’re ok
What a ridiculous statement when he knew I wasn’t. What did I have to lose by reminding him? How insulted should I be for him to think I could be upset enough to lock myself in the bathroom at work and then be fine two hours later. I was shy, not insane. And I certainly didn’t create drama for attention.
Me: Not yet
Ty: not going to tell me yet, or not ok yet?
Fair enough, my text was ambiguous. So much for resisting the temptation to use complete sentences. Texting was harder than I thought.
Me: I’m not okay yet.
Ty: Can I help? I can take another stab at grilled cheese
Having failed at ghosting approximately two hours in, I might as well attempt the band-aid approach… get it over fast.
Me: Yes. You can help me by not sending pictures of your dick to people if we are going to be together.
I hit send and immediately regretted it. If we are going to be together? What was I thinking? Teaching someone how to commit to another person wasn’t in my playbook. He would always have his eye on other women. Would I ever be able to trust him?
Wow, even I could see how possessively extreme my thoughts were headed. One date and I acted like I owned the guy. Which is precisely what my parents had warned me about if I gave in to sins of the flesh. I wanted them to be wrong. I had to take control.
And sadly, all my brain wanted to know way why he didn’t fall for me as hard as I’d fallen for him?
How long would it take him to craft an excuse? Or would he turn this around on me? A guy has needs, my brain said in an overly sarcastic voice I wasn’t proud of. I should at least let him say it before judging.
My hands trembled while they held my silent phone.
I reread my message and cringed. Since when did I address people’s dicks in writing or otherwise? And by that term… dick, so tacky. The curse of text messages… now it was there for the receiver to share with anyone and everyone and there was nothing I could do to take it back.
Was it any better in context? I scrolled through the conversation, shocked at how empowering it was to put my thoughts into words. I would have never said that in person.
I squeezed my eyes shut and when I re-opened them, the message thread was still there. Empowerment didn’t always feel great.
To top it off, I’d forgotten to respond to the second part of his text about the grilled cheese. I hated it when people only addressed one of multiple questions in emails but my newbie texting self already dove into the dismal world of half-answers.
The ding of my phone caused a hitch in my breath.
Ty: What?
Denial, great. I got up and paced. Should I ask him not to text me anymore? I had no proof, and all he had to do was deny it. Or we could drag Jessi into the mix… the worst option ever.
If he was going to play hardball, I could too. I’d go in to work early and file a complaint with HR. They could remind him that once you sent a picture it was there for the world to share. He should be more selective who he sends private pictures to.
Not likely I could convince them to give him dating advice, like one woman at a time. How had I missed that he and Jessi were together? I mulled her words. She hadn’t called Ty her boyfriend or anything, but asked if I could verify. Did that mean she hadn’t seen him naked, or was she antagonizing me for the fun of it?
Another possibility… what if Ty had meant to send it to me and sent it to her by accident? Fantasy world kicked into full bore. Ty and I could send sexy pictures to each other. We could be virtual lovers before we did it in real life. I’d gone off the deep end. Officially. My moral compass was far less clear than the tattoo on Ty’s arm that would rarely ever point due north which was so baffling to me.
My core ached and I my sex swelled. My body was ready for him, if only I could work out the mental game. Was I rapidly giving in to the pull of the devil? How could I feel so conflicted over him?
Maybe the next mantra would be something about trusting my heart to lead me the right direction because no matter how mad I was at Ty, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to give him a chance to explain. Although, technically I had done that via text and he didn’t take the bait.
In high school I’d tried to handle a situation on my own when I guy shared naked pictures of me, only they weren’t me, and I ended up getting in trouble. The principal told me if I’d reported it, he would have had a harder time believing they weren’t me, and he suspected I was only embarrassed because they circulated.
I really didn’t understand the world’s fascination with naked bodies, everybody had them. And the obsession with virgins. Everybody was one for a portion of their lives. And here I was drooling over Ty’s picture no matter how hard I tried not to. It spoke to some primal level.
The picture in question this time wasn’t of me, but I’d learned my lesson, don’t be the last man standing when the scandal’s reported.
I’d waltz right into HR first thing. I could focus my complaint on Jessi. Taking her down a notch would be nice.
I ran a warm bath and tried to relax for the evening, but the water reminded me of Ty’s all-consuming touch. If I hadn’t blurted out my sexual status, I might have gotten to enjoy a lot more of it. I might not be a virgin anymore.
A chill ran up my spine, negating the comfort of the bath. Was waiting for marriage all that terrible?
I was failing miserably at convincing myself he wasn’t the one as pressure settled low in my belly.
Even virgins had carnal desires, and it appeared I was going to give in to one more fantasy with him before making him hate me. I glanced to the counter where my phone was, but the picture wasn’t what excited me.
Not exactly true, it did, but I’d fallen for Ty before I ever saw it.
My pussy clenched.
I wanted to stare into his eyes, hear his voice, have his breath on my neck, and feel his strong hand deliver the most intimate touch. Incredibly messed up if I were to be honest with myself.
My legs dropped against the sides of the tub.
I dipped my hand between them and wished it was Ty’s. Definitely messed up.
Chapter 9
Ty
Why’d she cancel our date? The tangle of text messages gave a hint.
Missy: Yes. You can help me by not sending pictures of your dick to people if we are going to be together.
What the hell? My gut reaction was to text okay because I’d never sent a that kind of picture in my life and had no intention of starting. I suspected that wouldn’t be sufficient. Why did she think I sent one?
Me: What?
The wait was killing me.
Crap. Is that why she’d been upset at work? It didn’t make sense but there had to be a connection. I replayed the events in my mind. She’d run into me when I rounded the corner and she was already upset.
Who had she been talking to prior to running into me? Someone had been at the nurse’s station but I hadn’
t paid attention because I’d been worried about Missy and had gone right after her.
I dug through my drawer in the kitchen searching for a deck of cards. It was a small way to feel connected to her, plus, without anyone to play with I’d gotten out of practice.
The evening at Missy’s house had reminded me life was fun without all of the bells and whistles. Not that I would run off and live in the middle of the woods.
I clunked my way through a couple of games of One-Handed Solitaire. Back when Grandma taught me to play, one-handed had such innocent connotation compared to the current meaning.
Innocent, like Missy. If you’d have asked me thirty minutes ago, I would’ve never thought I’d see her type the word dick, but I also wouldn’t have expected to be accused of sending dick pics.
I couldn’t think of her without being overcome by the need to take care of her. If only my cravings stopped there. She gave me such a fierce boner it was ridiculous. Even with no sign of being able to relieve it properly any time soon, I wasn’t going to start sending pictures of it to anyone.
Didn’t most women consider them gross anyway? At least the unsolicited ones.
***
Valentine’s morning didn’t offer any relief. Missy hadn’t replied to any of my texts even when I sent one saying I hadn’t sent a picture to anyone.
From the second I’d left her house, I’d anticipated spending another evening with her. Sitting at home alone, losing my mind over what was going on, was the last thing I’d expected to happen.
Having her mad at me hurt more than I wanted to admit. I wasn’t the kind of guy who tossed his heart, or dick, out to every woman who walked past. If she wanted to play petty games she wasn’t the kind of person I wanted to hang out with.
Every time I tried to remind myself to let her go, her pained expression when she ran into me in the hospital hallway flashed back through my mind. She’d been running from something and I wasn’t able to save her, help her, comfort her. I’d failed her.
Rolling into work early, I vied for a chance to talk to her and sort out the confusion. That had to be what was going on, a simple misunderstanding. And with as much chest pain as I’d experienced overnight, I either had to sort it out or I’d have a heart attack.
I’d picked up flowers and chocolate, my first Valentine’s presents for her and I wasn’t sure if I should present them first or wait until we had things sorted out. I’d noted she didn’t wear jewelry so the other standard gifts were eliminated, but I was happy with the small but heartfelt present I had waiting for her at home. Presuming she’d go on another date with me.
As I exited my car, I got a call from the hospital… odd since they knew I was scheduled and always showed up when I was supposed to. I answered and the lady at the other end introduced herself as Ruth from the Human Resources Department. There had been a complaint that I’d sent inappropriate pictures to other staff members. Damn it.
Missy had to be behind the complaint. My blood boiled that she’d declined talking to me but got a complete stranger involved. I truly didn’t care if she was a virgin, her choice, but if she was going to run screaming for help every time someone mentioned a penis, she might be a virgin the rest of her life.
The only positive outcome was I’d finally get an explanation of what was going on.
I dropped the gifts in my office then headed straight to HR. Through all of my irritation, I hoped Missy was there. Talking to her, even if it was through a mediator would be better than not talking to her at all, and it might be my only way to find out what the hell was going on.
As soon as I walked into the department, the secretary ushered me to Ruth’s office.
We exchanged pleasantries and I couldn’t help but notice when her eyes dropped to my pants, briefly but enough I cleared my throat to acknowledge the inappropriate gesture.
Jesus Christ, I’d never been so disinterested in my manhood being the center of attention.
Judging by the smile she tried to hide, I suspected the picture must have been of a nice-looking schlong, if there was some way to quantify that. At any rate, it wasn’t mine.
Ruth organized her paperwork in what I imagined was more from embarrassment than necessity.
A flicker of self-consciousness set over me. Missy was inexperienced but I had no idea how many she’d seen. What if the picture was some stupid monster cock and she thought that’s what I was harboring? I was more than adequately endowed, and I knew enough to make sure my woman was satisfied, but I didn’t want Missy to have any false expectations or fears. Maybe I should have let her check me out on our date.
“Mr. Torres, as I stated on the phone, there’s a complaint about an inappropriate picture. Would you like to explain?”
“You’ll have to explain first. For the sake of openness, all I know is Missy sort of accused me of sending a lewd picture to someone so I’m guessing she’s the one who reported it. But, since I’ve never sent a dick picture to anyone, I’m lost.”
“She showed me the picture she claimed the other employee forwarded to her and said she’d seen the original on the friend’s phone. She also noted that it definitely came from your phone number.”
“Impossible. Go through my phone, full access. I don’t have anything to hide.” Several important details were missing but things were falling into place. Suddenly I remembered who was at the nurse’s station when Missy ran into me… Jessi. Of course. My first instinct concerning Jessi was always to ignore her which may explain why I hadn’t consciously registered her being there. Damn. She would be the person to pull a stunt like telling Missy I sent a picture of my dick, and forwarding it. But from my phone, not a chance.
“With your permission, sure, although I’m aware it’s possible to delete pictures and messages.”
I pressed my thumbprint onto the sensor and handed my phone to her. “Seems I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
Ruth accepted my phone and clicked on the photos. “I’ve also asked the friend who received the picture to come in, but she can’t make it until tomorrow.”
“Sure, no hurry. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience someone who’s spreading lies and upsetting people.” Oddly, my worry was more about the toll this was taking on Missy. I’d sort out my end one way or another.
“Mr. Torres. There’s no reason to get upset. I’ll hear everyone’s side of the story and I’m sure we can get to the bottom of this. I can’t tell you how many workplace grievances can be fixed with communication.”
“Would it be too presumptuous for me to file a grievance against Jessi?”
Ruth raised her eyebrows surely thinking I’d implicated myself by throwing her name out as the other party.
I had to admit, my overeager attempt to sort the situation out immediately had potentially backfired.
“Why do you think someone by the name of Jessi is involved?”
“Because she’s an instigator.”
“Please be careful with your assumptions. I don’t take claims lightly, and if she’s been causing trouble, someone should’ve notified me.”
“Not every petty situation is brought to your attention.”
“I can only handle situations I’m aware of. Back to this situation. Other than your general suspicion, what reason do you have to suspect Jessi’s involved?”
The more I said, the more I was going to implicate myself. “I didn’t do it. Guess I’ll keep my mouth shut. When you have an actual claim against me, we can talk.”
Ruth opened her mouth to say something, but I walked out.
What stellar fucking luck, I exited the office and Missy was at the other end of the long hallway heading toward me.
My protective instinct rose up. I tried to convince myself how stupid the reaction was. She didn’t need protecting, but apparently I did.
My gut wouldn’t let that scenario take hold. I had more than a soft spot for her. Was more than curled around her pinky finger. I would do anything for her, even forgive her.
> Her expression shifted to panic as we drew closer.
For some unexplainable reason, this sweet, innocent woman could bring me to my knees. My heart was giving her benefit of the doubt, despite having a lack of reason why, a feeling that filled me with love and irritation at the same time. Despite a battle raging within me over my burning desire to make her the mother of my children. I had a clear understanding she wasn’t. And she didn’t want to be.
The hallway seemed eternally long like in a nightmare, and I was shocked she hadn’t run the other direction.
I paused to give her a warning I wanted to talk. “Have a minute to sort this out?”
She drew her arms around her chest and her shoulder brushed against the wall as she stopped several paces away. “Not now.”
“Tonight? I promised you dinner.”
“Not a good idea.”
“Missy, we have to sort this out. I didn’t send the picture.”
Her poker face verged on stellar most of the time, but I could sense her pain.
“It’s pretty simple, it came from your phone and the lighting’s great so you either took a picture of yourself or a friend, but I wouldn’t know and I guess my prudeness is a problem to guys like you.” She darted the direction she’d come from.
“Missy, wait.” I called out but had the comment sense not to run down the hall and pin her against the wall the way I wanted to. Her accusation was too painful. My frazzled nerves were likely to make me say something stupid, possibly irreparable.
A terrible thought crept into my mind. Had Missy made up the entire scenario? Was she evil under her impossibly sweet exterior? I took a long look at my arms. Two sides to everything.
I didn’t want to believe it, but she wasn’t giving me any other option.
Chapter 10
Missy
I ran to my car to calm myself since I had a few minutes before I had to be presentable.
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