Gertrude, Gumshoe Cozy Mystery Series Box Set: Books 1, 2, and 3

by Robin Merrill

  Jen laughed. “I got it at the Boston Zoo.”

  “Ah, I see. So, do you know Samantha Cooper?”

  “Nope, can’t say as I do. Why, she a snow globe collector too?”

  “Ah, no, not that I know of. How about Martha Giles?”

  Jen frowned. “No. But I’m not very good with names.” She shifted in her seat.

  Gertrude sensed she was losing her. She pushed the next question out quickly. “Did you ever deal with anyone named Patsy Pelotte?”

  A look of recognition flashed across Jen’s face. “Not positive, but I did chat with someone named Patsy about the snow globes a few times. We could never coordinate a meet though. She was always wanting to meet in weird areas after dark. Sorry, I’m just too nervous for that.”

  “Not nervous, just wise. You’re a smart woman, Jen.”

  Jen smiled.

  “Well, it might not be anything, but I think this Patsy lady is a bad apple, and I’m trying to track her down. Can I give you my business card, in case you think of anything else about her?”

  Jen didn’t look excited, but she took the outstretched card. She looked down at it, and then looked up at Gertrude. “I thought your name was Hazel?”

  8

  “What’s next?” Calvin asked. “I’m tired already. Feels like I took a sedative. Must have been the milkshake.”

  “Dolly at Pine Grove Park.”

  Calvin looked at her. “Seriously? That’s clear across town.”

  Gertrude shrugged. “That’s where she wanted to meet. Actually, she wanted to meet there tonight, but I said we had to do it today. So apparently, she’s running there on her lunch break.”

  Calvin grimaced. “I hate that place. Where all the druggies hang out. What does she drive?”

  “I don’t think there are very many druggies in Mattawooptock, and I don’t know what she’s driving.”

  Calvin looked at her again, one eyebrow raised.

  “She said she didn’t know what she would be driving, because she would have to borrow a vehicle from someone.”

  “So how are we supposed to find her?”

  “She said she’d be down by the river.”

  “Perfect. So when she murders us, she can just throw us right in.” Calvin rubbed his stomach. “You got any antacids?”

  “Yessirree, hang on!” She flipped over onto her stomach so she could reach into her walker pouch in the back. Calvin leaned toward the window to distance himself from her rear.

  She flopped back down into the seat and handed him a half-consumed roll of antacids. He took them tentatively. The wrapper was so worn, the brand name wasn’t even visible.

  “How long have these been banging around in your bag?”

  “Not too long, I suppose.”

  “How do I even know they’re antacids?”

  Gertrude glared at him. “You asked me for antacids. I gave you antacids. I’m telling you they’re antacids. You don’t have to eat them.”

  “And I won’t.” Calvin dropped the small, well-traveled package into a cupholder.

  A few minutes later, Calvin pulled the Cadillac into Pine Grove Park.

  “That way,” Gertrude said, pointing.

  “Yes, Gertrude. I know where the river is.”

  “There,” Gertrude said. “That must be her.” A large white van sat alone in a small parking area near the river. Though it wasn’t exactly white. The bottom of the van was caked with mud and its tinted windows were covered in dust. Calvin pulled in beside it. Then he reached for the antacids.

  “All right. Now, this one is chatty, so let me do my thing please. I’m going to get her talking.”

  “She was chatty online?”

  “Oh Mylanta, you should’ve seen it! When we were setting up the meet, she wanted to play twenty questions. Thinks she’s my new best friend or something.”

  Gertrude climbed out of the Cadillac as Dolly slid out of the van. She made Dolly wait while she wrestled her walker out of the backseat. She probably wouldn’t need the walker, but her money (and her pepper spray) were in the pouch.

  She unfolded her walker, leaned on it, and gave Dolly the biggest smile she could muster, but Dolly wasn’t even looking at her. She was looking at Calvin, who was still sitting in the car.

  “I thought you said you weren’t married,” Dolly said.

  “Heavens, no! That’s just Calvin. I’m not married. I’m Hazel,” Gertrude said, and stuck her hand out.

  Dolly shook it tentatively. “I see.” She reached into her van and grabbed a plastic bag. “Here’s your dress. Hope you like it.”

  “Thanks,” Gertrude said, taking the dress. “Do you know Samantha Cooper?”

  Dolly’s upper lip twitched. “I don’t think so. Why?”

  Gertrude stared at her. “Just wondering. She’s the one who introduced me to VardSale, is all. And now I can’t seem to get in touch with her to thank her. You know, you are an awfully skinny little thing.”

  “Beg your pardon?”

  “Well, this dress is a size twenty, and, well, you’re not.”

  “Oh, right.” Dolly tittered. “Well, I buy and sell stuff. So I got this at a lawn sale, for only a quarter. Sell it to you for a dollar, and well, I’ve made seventy-five cents.” She tittered again.

  “I see how you did that math there,” Gertrude said.

  “OK, well, can I have that dollar?” Dolly asked.

  “Sure,” Gertrude said, reaching into her walker pouch. The dollar was right on top, but she pretended to dig around for it. “How about Martha Giles? Do you know her?”

  Dolly’s top lip twitched again. “No. Sure don’t.”

  Gertrude stared at her closely. Something was making this woman incredibly uncomfortable.

  “Patsy Pelotte?”

  The color in Dolly’s cheeks drained then. “You know what? I’m kind of in a hurry. Got to get back to work. Do you have that dollar?”

  “Sure do.” Gertrude handed it to her and smiled again. “You have a nice day now. Stay safe.”

  Without another word, Dolly got into her van, and drove away. Gertrude hurriedly jammed her walker into the backseat and threw herself into the front.

  “Stay safe?” Calvin repeated with a chuckle.

  “She’s the one!” Gertrude said. “Follow her!”

  Calvin sighed and made no move to follow anyone. “I heard the whole thing, Gert. She did behave a little strangely, but so did you. If she does as much business as she says she does on VardSale—”

  “Calvin! Follow her!” Gertrude said, feeling frantic.

  “I most certainly will not! As I was saying, if she does a lot of VardSale transactions, she might be aware there’s some shady stuff going on. Maybe those women haven’t responded to her messages either. Maybe she thought you were the bad guy.”

  Gertrude thought she might cry. Why had God given her such a pigheaded partner? “Calvin, puh-lease follow her! I know she’s the bad guy! She was lying!”

  “How do you know she was lying?”

  “Start driving and I’ll tell you!”

  “I’ll start driving, but that’s just because I don’t want to spend any more time in the druggie park. I’m still not following her.” He put the car in drive and crawled out of the park.

  Gertrude thought her head might explode. “She was lying. I just know. And did you see how unhappy she was to see you?”

  “I sure did. That’s the part that makes me think she’s not our kidnapper. She seemed to be afraid of me. My guess is that most VardSalers are women, and that most of these women don’t bring men along on their meets. She probably thought I was going to shove her into a trunk.” After looking both ways with frustrating thoroughness, Calvin pulled out onto the main road.

  The van was nowhere in sight.

  Calvin continued, “Besides, did you see how petite she was? She couldn’t wrestle anyone into a trunk.”

  “She wouldn’t need to, Calvin. She has a van. Speaking of which, where in tarnation d
id it go?”

  “But it’s not her van, right? You really think she’s going to kidnap people with a borrowed vehicle?”

  “Tally ho!” Gertrude cried.

  Calvin jumped. “What?”

  “There she is! Up there! At the light!”

  Calvin frowned. “OK. So there she is. So what?”

  “Please, Calvin. I’m begging you. You don’t have to get close to her. You don’t have to speed. You don’t have to catch her. Just follow her. See where she goes.”

  Calvin didn’t respond, but he also didn’t turn onto the road that led back to their trailer park. Instead, he followed the van south.

  “It appears she’s leaving Mattawooptock,” Gertrude said.

  “Well, maybe she works in Waterville.”

  “And she drove all the way to Pine Grove to make 75 cents? I doubt it.”

  “Maybe she has another sale in Waterville.”

  “All on a lunch break? I highly doubt it.”

  There was now only one vehicle between Calvin’s Cadillac and Dolly’s van.

  “Easy does it,” Gertrude said. “You don’t want her to make us.”

  “Make us?”

  “That’s what Danno always says.”

  The van was pulling away fast.

  “I didn’t say slow down to a crawl,” Gertrude said. “I just said don’t let her see us.”

  “I didn’t slow down at all, Gertrude. She sped up.”

  “Oh! Oh no! In that case, you need to speed up too!”

  “Will you make up your mind?”

  It was now obvious to Gertrude that Dolly was speeding. “Come on, Calvin! She’s getting away!”

  “I’m going 55, Gertrude! What do you want from me?”

  “Don’t be such an old fart! Put the hammer down!”

  Calvin sped up. A little.

  “Calvin!” Gertrude cried, desperate.

  “Calm down, Gertrude. We’re almost to Waterville now, and she’ll have to slow down in town.”

  “No she won’t!” Gertrude cried as she watched the van take a hard right onto the interstate onramp. Dolly took the corner so fast, the van appeared to tip to one side. Seconds later, Calvin took the same corner at almost the same speed.

  “Eiiiii!” Gertrude cried. She was a little scared of dying. She was also having terrific fun.

  Calvin straightened the car out and regained control. Dolly was just ahead. But neither Calvin nor Gertrude looked to their left before Calvin attempted to merge with traffic. And apparently there was an eighteen wheeler in the way, which promptly blew its air horn, scaring the snot out of Calvin, who yanked the car toward the shoulder. Gertrude looked to their left. The truck was so close, all she could see was the solid green side of the trailer mere inches from their car. The truck continued to blow the horn as it sped past.

  Calvin took his foot off the gas and put his hand on his chest.

  “Let’s go!” Gertrude cried. “She’s getting away!”

  The Cadillac rolled to a stop. Calvin was breathing hard. “I can’t, Gertrude.”

  “Are you having a heart attack?”

  “No,” Calvin said, rubbing his chest, “I’m having a Gertrude attack. Because this proves it yet again. You are going to kill me long before natural causes get me.”

  Gertrude leaned back in her seat. The van was already out of sight. “So we’re not going after her?”

  “No. We are most certainly, unequivocally, not.”

  “Will you at least admit now that she’s suspicious?”

  “Like I said, she’s suspicious or we are. She might’ve thought she was running for her life.”

  “Well, she most certainly, unequivocally, wasn’t.”

  9

  When Gertrude got home, she called Hale. He wasn’t available. Would she like to leave a message? “Tell him I know who the kidnapper is. Her name is Dolly Davis.”

  “Hold, please.”

  Hale picked up the phone less than a minute later.

  “Screening your calls?” Gertrude asked.

  “Yes. I’m a little busy here. We’ve got two missing women, you know. Who is Dolly Davis?”

  “I found her on VardSale. Very shady character. Calvin insists she’s innocent, but I’m telling you, she’s involved somehow.”

  “Why does Calvin think she’s innocent?”

  “You’d have to ask Calvin that. I’m telling you to look into her, and I’m the gumshoe, aren’t I?”

  Hale snorted. “OK, I’ll check her out. You got any other information on her, other than a fake-sounding name?”

  Gertrude thought for a second. “She was driving a big white van that hasn’t seen a carwash since the OJ trial.”

  Gertrude thought she heard Hale snicker. “License plate?”

  “Aw, shucks, I didn’t think to look at that.”

  “Sure, you’re a gumshoe all right.”

  “Oh hush! It wasn’t even her van. She borrowed it from a friend.”

  “Sure she did. Why don’t you stay out of this, now, Gertrude. This is a serious case. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

  Gertrude hung up the phone. She was furious with Hale, but she was even more furious with herself. Maybe the van wasn’t borrowed. And how could she have forgotten to look at the license plate? She was suddenly exceptionally motivated to get back to work, but Calvin had said he needed a nap, and made her promise not to come back to his trailer for at least two hours. What was she going to do till then? She decided she would try to navigate VardSale on her smartphone. It would be difficult to see anything on the tiny screen, but it was better than nothing.

  She sat down in her recliner and was immediately joined by a purring Hail. She scratched him beside the ear. “Who’s my favorite Hail?” she cooed. “You are! Yes, you are my favorite Hail, so much nicer, so much more handsome …”

  The VardSale website finally loaded on her phone. Then a pop-up flashed, “Download the VardSale App?” There’s an app? Nifty! She clicked download.

  It took her three tries to remember her password, but soon she was logged in and scrolling. This is great, she thought. She decided to poke around on Dolly’s profile, see if she could find anything suspicious, but she couldn’t find Dolly’s profile at all. What in tarnation? She clicked on her own messages, found Dolly’s name there, and clicked on it, which led to a message: “This user account has been removed.” I knew it! She has something to hide, all right, and I made her nervous enough to delete her account. Hooray for me!

  Her first instinct was to call Hale and tell him, but then she remembered how he had implied she wasn’t really a gumshoe, so she decided not to. Instead, she tried to message Dolly.

  “I know who you are,” she typed.

  Immediately, VardSale said, “Message undeliverable. User account deleted.”

  Fine then. Be that way. She stared at her phone, trying to figure out what to do next. Then she remembered something Hale had said: “fake-sounding name.” Patsy Pelotte was a fake name. Dolly Davis sounded like a fake name. She started to scroll through the sellers, looking for something else that sounded phony. But there were so many names. This is a wild goose chase, she thought, and then she saw it: Loretta Lenfestey. Oh Mylanta, he was right. This looney is a country western fan. She clicked on Loretta’s profile. She only had a few items listed.

  Gertrude desperately wanted to set up a meet for one of these items, but “Dolly” had already met “Hazel,” so she didn’t think “Loretta” would respond to “Hazel.” She’d probably just delete this profile too.

  Gertrude logged out and then began the process of registering for a new account. This took far longer on the small screen with her chubby fingers, and she was cursing Calvin for napping at a time like this, but finally, she had a new account. She had been tempted to name herself Tammy, after Tammy Wynette, but was afraid that might give her whole ruse away. So she went with “Jill Howe” as her new code name. A nice, normal, real-sounding name.

  Then she clicked
on “Set up a meet” under a decorative cutting board. One could never have too many of those. “Can we meet today?” she typed.

  “Loretta” responded immediately. Scary fast. Gertrude hesitated to answer her. She thought it might be smarter to wait for Calvin to finish his nap, but she also knew time was of the essence. Women were in danger.

  “How are you today?” Loretta asked.

  Oh this is so the same wacko. “I’m great. How are you? I am very interested in your rooster cutting board. Can you meet today?”

  The words “Sure can!” immediately popped up. “I see your profile says Mattawooptock. I was born and raised in Mattawooptock! How about you?”

  Gertrude groaned. Enough with the twaddle. “Yes. Can we set up a meet?”

  “Sure can! Do you have a big family?”

  Gertrude rolled her eyes, beyond annoyed. Then she had a thought: Two can play this game! “I do not. Just me. Do you have a big family?”

  “No. Are you married?”

  “No,” Gertrude typed. “Are you?”

  “No, me neither. Do you have any children?”

  “No.” Gertrude paused, her pointer finger hovering over the small keyboard. She tried to think of some prying question to ask, something that would gain her information without making it obvious that she was trying to gain information. “How long have you been doing VardSale?” she wrote.

  “Just started. Where would you like to meet?”

  Hm … I might be losing her. She thought for a minute, and then typed, “Have you met any interesting people doing VardSale?”

  “No. Do you want to set up a meet?”

  Gertrude gave up then. She wanted to keep asking questions, but she didn’t want to scare the kook off and ruin the chances of a meet. So, they ironed out the details. They would meet outside Gertrude’s trailer in a half hour.

  In those thirty minutes, Gertrude formed her plan. And she was certain it was a solid one. She would disguise herself, so that Patsy-Dolly-Loretta wouldn’t recognize her at first. Then, when Loretta got out of the van, Gertrude would spray her with pepper spray, grab the keys out of the van’s ignition, run inside, and call Hale. She would be the hero. Lives would be saved.