The first step was the disguise. She had to change her clothes. Loretta had already seen her in her current snazzy outfit. So, she put on a sleeveless pink romper, which cooled her off immensely. I should’ve just worn this in the first place. Next, she found a hat. She had many to choose from, and she went with a large straw number that would cover most of her face and keep the sun off her pale shoulders. Now, for glasses. She had a large collection of reading glasses, and she picked the flashiest ones—a pair of emerald cat-eyes. Then she went to the door and waited.
As she waited, a thought occurred to her. The walker. It might give her away. But I need it. But did she really? Could she make it all the way out to the driveway, pepper spray a person, grab some keys, and make it back inside without her walker? Maybe I can. I’ll have a good dose of adrenaline on my side. She took the pepper spray out of her walker pouch and slid it into the right pocket of her romper. She put her phone in her left pocket and then took a deep breath. No. There’s no way. I have to take the walker. But Loretta would recognize it. Loretta was no dummy, or she would’ve already been caught. I can’t. She had to.
The same ominous dirty white van pulled up alongside Gertrude’s trailer. Borrowed, my butt! Hale was right! She hated it when Hale was right. She looked down at her walker. Then she opened the door, and stepped outside without it.
She kept her head down, looking at her steps. She wobbled a little, but this was mostly because her new glasses were making her vision all wonky, and only a little because of the missing walker.
The fingers of her right hand were curled tightly around the pepper spray in her pocket. Her left hand white-knuckled the porch railing. Even without looking, she realized Loretta wasn’t getting out of the van. This wasn’t good. She wanted so badly to look up and make sure it was the same woman, before she blinded her, but it had to be. It was the same van.
Gertrude stepped off her bottom step and onto the spongy spring ground.
“Jill?” the woman called out hesitantly.
Gertrude tried to disguise her voice. “That’s me!” she chirped. She was trying to sound harmless; instead she sounded like an old crone who had just inhaled some helium.
Then she heard the van door creak as it opened. That’s better. Come on, girl. She saw Loretta’s feet hit the ground.
Slow and steady, I’m almost there. She felt so naked without her walker, but her feet were still beneath her. She was only two feet from Loretta. Now! She looked up, so her aim would be true. Her right hand flew out of her romper pocket, and she aimed the poison right at Loretta’s eyes.
“You!” Loretta cried.
Gertrude pressed the trigger.
And nothing happened.
She pressed the button again.
Nothing.
“You!” Loretta cried again.
“Dangonit!” Gertrude screamed. That will teach me to buy pepper spray at a lawn sale. She threw the small canister at Loretta’s face and turned to run inside. But Loretta was already on her. Like some kind of crazy monkey, she had leapt onto Gertrude’s back, and had wrapped her left arm around Gertrude’s neck.
Gertrude choked at the pressure, tried to run forward, and tried to shake her off her back all at the same time. Instead, she just fell forward, the weight of Loretta driving her into the ground. Her forehead drove into the soft mud of spring, and Gertrude had a moment to silently bemoan the crushing and soiling of her straw hat brim.
“Calvin!” Gertrude tried to scream, but it came out a raspy whisper. She couldn’t even breathe.
Gertrude thrashed around, trying to throw the crazy country western fan off her back. Pain shot down her left leg, which only infuriated her further. She drove her right elbow back into soft flesh, and she heard Loretta gasp in pain. She also felt Loretta’s right arm leave the struggle. She wasn’t sure why this was happening, but she wanted to capitalize on it. She began to flop back and forth, trying to gain some momentum so that she could eventually roll over. But the more she flopped, the tighter that left arm went around her neck.
Then she felt soft cloth being pressed over her nose and mouth. She shook her head wildly back and forth, trying to get away from it. It smelled both sweet and gross at the same time, a combination that she wouldn’t have thought possible before then, and a combination she was sure couldn’t be good. She opened her mouth as wide as she could and then chomped down on the cloth, trying desperately to bite the hand that held it.
Loretta didn’t even flinch.
Completely out of breath, Gertrude couldn’t help but inhale. She threw another right elbow, but she could tell it was too weak to do any damage. She tried to throw another, tried to kick her feet, tried to fight, but it all turned to nothing.
10
Gertrude woke up in back of the van with the worst headache of her life. It felt like someone had hit her between the eyes with an ax. She brought one hand to her head, just to make sure it was still there.
She looked around the dimly lit interior. It was still daylight, but the tinted, not to mention filthy, windows didn’t allow much light into the van. The seats had been removed, and Gertrude was on the floor, which made the bumpiness of the road that much more painful. What are we on, a skidder trail? She sat up and looked out the windows. It did indeed appear that they were on a skidder trail. In the middle of the forest. This van is bouncing around like a fart in a mitten.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” Loretta said.
Gertrude looked up to meet her eyes in the rearview mirror. “Where are we?”
“Don’t you worry, friend. The scary part is over. We are going home now.”
Home? Does that mean she’s going to kill me? “Are you going to kill me?”
“Kill you? Of course not! I wouldn’t hurt a fly. You’re my friend. I won’t hurt you again. I’m sorry I hurt you at all. I wasn’t planning on inviting you to come with me, at least not until I got to know you better, but then I thought maybe you knew what I was doing, and I just can’t allow myself to get in trouble with the law. Not after all I’ve done, all I’ve accomplished, how far I’ve come.”
“What you’ve accomplished? What have you accomplished, exactly?”
“Oh, you’ll see,” Loretta burbled. “You’re going to love it. I promise.”
She hit a giant rock with the right front tire, and Gertrude was thrown to the left wall of the van. “Ow!” she said accusingly.
“Oh, sorry, friend. I always forget that rock is there.” She tittered.
Gertrude had a thought, and her hand flew to her neck, but there was nothing there. She groped around her chest, but her LifeRescue pendant was gone. Either it had fallen off in the struggle, or this madwoman had taken it. I hate her, Gertrude thought. I really, really hate this lunatic. “I’m not your friend,” Gertrude snarled.
“Oh, sure you are. You just don’t know it yet. You’ll see. So, friend, what is your real name? I’m guessing it’s not Hazel or Jill?”
“What’s your name?” Gertrude asked.
“That’s a fair question, I suppose. My name is Sue. Just plain old Sue. Ugliest name in the books. Not Susan, not Suzanne, just Sue. My mother was a cruel woman.”
“At least you’re not a boy named Sue.”
Sue laughed as if that was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.
“Where are we going, Sue?”
“I told you. We are going home. And once you get settled in, if you want me to go back for a few of your cats, I would be happy to.”
“How do you know I have cats?” You’d better stay away from my cats, you wacko!
“I saw them in your windows.”
“What else did you see?”
“Nothing. Your trailer park was calm, empty, quiet. No one saw us, don’t you worry.”
“I was wearing a necklace. Did you take it?”
“You mean your LifeRescue button? Yes, we left that back there. Didn’t want you to be tempted to press it. Though it probably wouldn’t even work now. Not many cell ph
one towers up here.” She giggled like a little girl.
Gertrude slumped back against the wall of the van. “How did you ever get me into this van?”
“I’m stronger than I look. Plus, there’s that.” Her eyes flitted to the wheelchair lift. “Now, what’s your name?”
“Gertrude.”
Both her hands left the wheel and came together in a delighted little double clap. “Gertrude! What a wonderful name! It suits you! Much better than Hazel or Jill.”
“I am Gertrude, Gumshoe, and the cops know all about you. They know what you drive. I even gave them your license plate.”
Sue tittered again. “Well, then, I guess I’d better not go back for any cats! Why don’t you lie down and rest? There’s not much to see around here but trees, and we’ve got about another hour to go.”
“Another hour? Where are we going, Canada?”
Sue didn’t answer. Gertrude tried to figure out what time it was. My phone! she remembered. She still wasn’t used to having a phone with her at all times. She reached into her pocket. “Where’s my phone?!”
“Oh don’t worry, Gert. May I call you Gert? You won’t need a phone where we’re going. And like I said, no cell towers—”
“No, you may not call me Gert, and”—Gertrude was grinding her teeth so hard her jaw hurt—“where are you taking me?”
“Just be patient, Gertrude. You’ll see soon enough.”
“I have to pee,” Gertrude lied.
Sue looked at her in the rearview. “Can you hold it?”
“Sure can’t, Sue.”
“All right. Let me think.” She kept driving. Gertrude kept bouncing.
“There’s not much to think about. Pull over so I can pee.”
“I’m sorry. I just don’t trust you, Gertrude. I’m hoping we can build trust over time. But right now, well, you gave me quite a fight back there. I don’t want to have to go chasing you through the forest. And even more importantly, I don’t want to have to shoot you.”
“Shoot me? You have a gun?”
Sue looked at her in the rearview. “Of course I have a gun.”
“I thought we were friends!” Gertrude began scanning the back of the van for a means of escape. She scooted toward the door.
“Don’t even try it. It’s locked.”
Gertrude felt panic rising in her throat. Calvin will tell Hale, she told herself.
“Where’s my phone?” she asked again.
“I told you, you won’t need it where we’re go—”
“I know. I heard you the first time. I’m asking where is my phone. Do you still have it?”
“Don’t be silly. I don’t want anyone tracking your phone to where we’re going. And when we get there, you won’t want that either. You’re going to be so happy, Gertrude! Don’t you worry.”
“So, where is the phone exactly?”
“In the mud. Right beside that ugly hat of yours.”
“That hat wasn’t ugly! You’re going to pay for that!”
“For the insult, or for the hat?”
“Both!”
So Hale will find the phone, and maybe it will have this lunatic’s fingerprints on it. Please hurry, Hale. She couldn’t believe she was betting the farm on Hale.
11
Finally, the van stopped.
“Where are we?” All Gertrude could see was woods.
“Almost home. Here, put this on.” Sue handed her a pillowcase.
“Are we going to a three-legged race?”
Sue laughed. “No, silly. I want you to put it on over your head. Just for a few minutes. We need to walk now, and I don’t want you knowing where the van is.”
Gertrude’s whole body went cold with panic. “Walk? I can’t walk! I don’t have my walker!”
“Your walker?” Sue frowned. “I thought that was part of your first disguise. You didn’t have it when you came out of the trailer.”
“That’s ’cause I only had to take ten steps! I can’t hike through the woods! I’m disabled!”
“I’ll help you,” she said. “Put the pillowcase on.” Sue turned around in her seat, and Gertrude saw the revolver in her lap.
Reluctantly, Gertrude took the pillowcase from her hands. She didn’t want to put it on, but she also wanted to get out of the van. Her back was killing her, and now she really did have to pee. She slid the pillowcase over her head. It smelled like lavender.
“There. Now you happy?” Gertrude snarled.
Sue didn’t answer her. Gertrude heard her get out of the van, and then a few seconds later, she heard the back door open. The van filled with light. Aha! I can see light through this thing! Bet you didn’t know that!
“OK, easy does it now, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Just ease on out of the van. I’ve got you.”
Gertrude scooted her butt toward the door, and then she felt a hand on her arm. “You don’t have to squeeze so tight,” she hissed.
“Just trying to help,” Sue said in a voice so light she might have been planning a tea party for fairies.
Gertrude’s feet hit the ground, and her legs filled with tingling. She realized her knees were knocking and willed them to stop. I sure do wish I had more faith in Hale. Her first step left her unscathed, but on her second, her toe caught on something hard and she tumbled forward.
Sue caught her. “There, there, easy does it.”
“How am I supposed to walk if I can’t see my feet?”
“You’ll be all right. Pick your feet up when you walk. Just go slow. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let you run into a tree.”
“Oh no, but you’ll shoot me?”
“I don’t want to shoot you, Gertrude. I want us to be friends. Now walk.”
Gertrude picked her right leg up as high as it would go and then put it down three inches in front of her.
“No need to be sarcastic,” Sue said.
“How can I be sarcastic with my legs?”
“Body language can be sarcastic. Now walk.”
Gertrude had no idea what Sue was talking about, but then she reasoned, crazy people don’t always make sense. Gertrude could see that most of the light was coming from her right. Since it must be closing in on sunset, she figured they were walking south, and she began counting her steps.
12
“We’re here!” Sue sang. “You can take your hood off.”
Gertrude did, and then squinted as her eyes adjusted. She smoothed out her hair and surveyed her surroundings. They were standing in a small clearing in the woods, in the middle of which stood a small cabin. Behind the cabin was a small pond. Good. Maybe I’ll get to drown her.
Gertrude looked at Sue, who was standing uncomfortably close to her. Gertrude thought about punching her in the nose, but Sue was still holding the gun, and Gertrude already knew she was a scrappy little thing.
“Go ahead in,” Sue said, nodding toward the door. “Let’s meet the others.”
Gertrude took a deep breath and then, holding the rickety railing at her side, climbed the few steps to the front door. She had never needed her walker so badly in her whole life.
She opened the heavy wooden door and stepped inside to find a whole host of women staring at her. It seemed there were more women in the cabin than there actually were, because the cabin was so small.
“Everyone, this is Gertrude, our new friend!”
Directly in front of Gertrude was a small, round wooden table. Around the table sat three women playing cards. The youngest of the three was exceptionally attractive, and Gertrude recognized her immediately. “Samantha?”
Samantha looked shocked, and slowly nodded.
“It’s going to be all right, Samantha. Andy and the cops are looking for—”
Sue pointed the gun at Gertrude’s head. “We don’t talk about our former lives here. We only live in the present here. The happy, peaceful present, where we all live together, in harmony. Isn’t that right, friends?”
The women nodded.
“Now, i
t seems you know Samantha. This wonderful woman to her left is May. And to the right of Samantha is Doris. Say hi, ladies.”
“Hi,” May and Doris said.
“And on the couch is Barbara, Martha, and Deborah.” The couch was pushed against the far wall, which wasn’t very far away at all. Each of the women held a paperback. Each meekly said hello.
Beside the couch was a doorway to a screened-in porch. Two women were standing in that doorway, looking at Gertrude. “That’s Agnes and Betsy over there,” Sue said pointing. “Betsy is my besty!” she quipped and then laughed maniacally.
Another woman was lying on a cot that stood against the wall to Gertrude’s left.
“And that is Ruth!” Sue said, pointing at Ruth.
“Hi, everybody,” Gertrude said tentatively. “Uh, why are you all just sitting—”
Samantha caught Gertrude’s eye and slowly shook her head. Gertrude closed her mouth.
“They’re just relaxing,” Sue said. “Go ahead! Join them.”
“You want me to …” Gertrude looked around as her brain tried to make sense of what it was seeing. “… relax? So … you took all these women? And everybody’s still … alive?”
Sue cackled crazily. “Of course they’re all alive! They’re my friends! I don’t kill my friends! Now, make yourself comfortable. I’ll go get you a cot and some blankets.” Sue disappeared into a room to their left.
“Actually, I’d really like to use the bathroom,” Gertrude called after her.
“Go ahead, Gertrude!” Sue called back. “Make yourself at home!”
The bathroom wasn’t big enough to turn around in. The only window was the size of a bread box. There would be no squeezing through that exit.
When Gertrude rejoined them in the main room, the women seemed to have already forgotten about her. No one watched her as she hobbled toward the table. Doris had vacated the seat beside Samantha, and Gertrude collapsed into it. “Come on,” she whispered. “Let’s make a break for it.”
“Now?” Samantha whispered.
“Yes, now. She’s not looking.”
“Look, I realize you just got here, but that is a dumb idea. She would chase us, she knows the area, I don’t, I’m assuming you don’t, and she has a gun. Besides, I’m not leaving them with her.”
Gertrude, Gumshoe Cozy Mystery Series Box Set: Books 1, 2, and 3 Page 23