“We could send help.”
“You’re not listening. I’m not leaving them alone with a crazy lady with a gun.”
Gertrude sighed and looked around. “What’s in there?” Gertrude whispered, nodding toward the room Sue had disappeared into.
“Sue’s bedroom.”
Gertrude studied the opposite side of the cabin. “You are considerably younger than most of the women here, Samantha. Any idea why that is?”
Samantha rubbed her chest, as if she was suffering from a particularly nasty case of heartburn. “She said that she didn’t plan on taking me, but then I was so ‘nice and friendly’ that she couldn’t resist. That will teach me to be friendly.”
Gertrude smirked. “So she just brings women here, and then what? We just hang out being her friends?” Gertrude had a sudden horrifying thought. “Samantha, did all these women come from VardSale?”
“That’s right,” Sue said from behind her.
“Jumping hot beans!” Gertrude said. “You are a sneaky one, aren’t you, Sue?”
“VardSale is the perfect place to meet people. You get to feel them out first, see if they are someone you want to spend time with. But I think I’m done collecting friends for now. It seems you’ve attracted the attention of law enforcement, so we’re just going to stay put for a while. Aren’t we, ladies? Your cot is right over there,” Sue said, pointing, “and I have more blankets if you need them, but it’s been warm, so one should be enough for now. When you want to lie down, set your cot up where you like, but when you get up, please fold up your cot. We are limited on space around here! And you’ve found the bathroom, so that’s good. We ask you to limit your showers to two minutes. Our hot water tank is a teeny little thing, isn’t it, ladies?” She cackled again. “We’ve got a garden out back, so there’ll be plenty of food, but if you need anything else, just let me know. I make a supply run every once in a while.”
“A supply run to where?” Gertrude asked.
“The nearest town.”
“Which is where?”
Sue smiled and patted Gertrude on the shoulder. “Don’t you worry about that, dear. You just relax.”
“Are we allowed to go outside?”
“Of course! It’s beautiful out there! You can kayak on the pond, or go for a walk. Soon the water will be warm enough for swimming, and then maybe we won’t need to take so many showers!” The crazy laugh again. That noise was really starting to grate on Gertrude’s nerves.
“What do you say, Samantha? Want to show me around?” Gertrude asked, trying to sound peppy. “Outside?” she added for clarification.
Samantha looked at Sue as if for permission.
“Go ahead, dear. Just be back in time for supper. Now,”—she turned toward the rest of the women and clapped her hands twice rapidly—“whose turn is it to cook, anyway?”
13
There was a picnic table near the shore. Gertrude sat at it, grimacing.
“You OK?” Samantha asked.
“No. I’m not. I think my back is broken, and I’m not used to walking without my walker. I’m exhausted. And I really miss my cats.” She didn’t want to admit it, but she missed Calvin too. She slid the photo she had snagged from Samantha’s bedroom mirror across the table.
Samantha peeked at it, her eyes filling with tears, and then she slid it into her pocket. “Thanks,” she mumbled.
“We need to figure out a way to get out of here.”
Samantha groaned. “You think we haven’t thought of that? There’s no way to get away, there’s nowhere to go!” Samantha spread her arms. “I mean, where are we? You want me to lead a bunch of old ladies into the forest? I don’t even know what state we’re in! We could be in Canada for all I know!”
Gertrude thought for a minute. Then she looked at Samantha. “You’re a hiker, right? So you’re pretty good at finding your way around in the woods.”
Samantha sighed and sat down across from Gertrude. She looked out at the water. “I’m a hiker, yes, but I hike on trails. I don’t just go out into the tickletuppy and follow the moss and stars.”
“Might be better than staying here,” Gertrude muttered.
“Oh yeah? You talk tough, but what are you going to say when the sun goes down and we’re out there”—she looked toward the forest—“with no bed, no food, no light?”
“She doesn’t have flashlights?”
“Nope. I’ve looked. So …” She looked down at her hands. “Andy? Is he OK?”
“Yes. He’s worried sick. He hired me to help find you.”
“He hired you?!” Samantha looked appalled. “No offense,” she added hastily.
“Plenty taken. But don’t get too discouraged. He called the cops too. It just took a while for them to listen to him, but they did, finally. They’re looking for you. But let’s take notice that it was me, despite your lack of confidence, who actually found you.”
“Yeah, you found me all right. Now what?”
Wowsa. Super grateful. “Now we escape.”
“There is no escape! There is only wait-to-be-rescued. These women are old. You’re not exactly young yourself! How old are you, anyway?”
Gertrude ignored the question. “So you go. I’ll protect them while you’re gone. Then you send help.”
Samantha snorted. “Yeah, you’ll protect them. How do you plan to do that, without a weapon?”
“Fine. Then I’ll go. You stay here and protect them.”
Samantha gave her a deadly glare. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare put all of these women in danger just because you’re nuts.”
“Fine then. It’s settled. We have to go together. All of us.”
“Right. Which is impossible.”
“Has anyone tried to steal the van?”
“Not that I know of, but if any of us so much as heads in that direction, she gets suspicious and follows us. Also, the van key is always in her pocket. And before you ask, she sleeps with the door locked.”
“So we go outside and come into the bedroom through a window.”
“Locked.”
“So we break the window.”
“Gun.”
Gertrude paused.
“Look, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I’ve been here for two days, and I’m no dummy. There is no way out of here. If there was, I would have thought of it.”
“But Samantha, it’s ten against one. We can do this. I’m telling you. We just need to work together.”
They sat there quietly for several minutes, each lost in thought, staring out at the pond.
“You said the cops know about us, right? So aren’t they coming?”
Gertrude was torn. She wanted to encourage Samantha and tell her help was on the way, but she also wanted Samantha to help her escape. She didn’t want to wait around for Hale to figure things out. “Well, yes, they know. But they only know that two women are missing. And they have no idea where we are. Or who Sue is. Yes, they will probably figure it out eventually, but I don’t want to stay here till winter.” Gertrude paused, suddenly afflicted by a horrible thought. “What is her plan for winter? What is she going to do with all her ‘friends’ when her skidder trail fills with snow? When her water and her precious garden freezes?”
“We’ve discussed that too. And we don’t know what she’s planning. Maybe she’ll let us go. Maybe she’ll do something else.” Samantha looked at her somberly.
“What about poison?” Gertrude whispered.
“For her or for us?”
“That’s not funny. For her, of course.”
“We don’t have anything poisonous.”
“There’s got to be something poisonous out there,” Gertrude said, nodding to the forest. “Mushrooms or berries?”
“Do you know which mushrooms and berries are poisonous?”
“Course not.”
“Well, then, you’d better keep thinking.”
Gertrude thought. But not for long. “We’re just going to have to jump her.”
“Jump her?” Samantha sounded skeptical.
“Yep. First, we let others in on the plan, all sneaky like. Then, I’ll try to get behind her. You just keep your eyes on me. When I give you the signal, I’ll grab her gun arm, and you punch her in the face as hard as you can.”
Samantha laughed. “I don’t know how to punch someone!”
“Don’t you watch television? You just swing your fist through the air, while keeping your eye on the prize.”
“Oh yeah? You punched a lot of people in the face?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. I punched a stripper serial killer in the face while recording her confession for the police!”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Wouldn’t I have heard about a stripper serial killer in the news?”
“All right, maybe she wasn’t exactly a serial killer. Yet. She only killed one person, but still, I’m the one who caught her. That part’s as true as sunshine.”
“OK,” Samantha said, leaning toward her. “This is seriously a crazy idea, but I’m going crazy being here, so why not? And I know that some of these women need to see a doctor. But I think you should be the one to do the punching, since you have so much experience. And I think we should wait till morning. Sue is always a bit groggy before her coffee. I’ll tell everyone tonight. Then, in the morning, first thing, as soon as she steps out of the bedroom, I’ll grab her right arm, her gun arm, and you punch her in the face. And I’ll ask all the other ladies to jump on her then too. Man, I wish we had some rope.”
Gertrude burst into laughter.
“What?” Samantha asked.
“You just look so excited! This is going to be great fun!”
“Yeah. It just might be,” Samantha said thoughtfully.
“Vines,” Gertrude said.
“Vines?”
“Yes. Right now. You go in and distract her, and I’ll go get some vines out of the woods. We’ll use those to tie her up.”
Samantha’s eyes grew wide. “That’s a great idea!”
“I know. All my ideas are great. Now go.”
Samantha climbed the short slope to the cabin and disappeared inside. Gertrude took a deep breath and then stood up on shaky legs and slowly made her way to the woods.
Finding some vines was the easy part. Getting them out of the ground was not. Gertrude squatted, lost her balance, and promptly landed on her fanny, which turned out to be a fabulous turn of events. She was really quite comfortable in that position, but then she saw a spider a few inches away and decided she wouldn’t stay long. She pulled on a long horizontal stem that she assumed was part of a vine, and it came up easily, but it just kept coming up. She got her feet back under her and followed the vine, hand over hand, still pulling it out of the ground, until she had about eight feet. Then she stood up straight and gave the vine a firm yank, hoping that would break it, but all this did was hurt her hands. She twisted the vine around her hand and pulled even harder. “Ow!” she cried. She stepped on the vine with her foot and then yanked with both hands, but the dang thing wouldn’t break. She stooped a little and began to gnaw through it with her teeth. It tasted like the white stuff inside a grapefruit. She gagged, and then kept chewing.
Finally, she had a vine. She coiled it up and then shoved it down the front of her romper, tucking most of it into the waistband of her undies. Then she went to work on vine number two, praying those vines weren’t poisonous. She didn’t want to die with plants down her pants. That would be embarrassing.
When Sue called her from the house, she was gnawing through vine number three. She hurriedly stowed this one with the others and then made her way out of the woods, steadying herself on trees as she went.
When she stepped into the clearing, Sue was staring at her from the back steps. “Everything all right?” Sue called out.
“Right as rain!” Gertrude called back. “I was just exploring.”
Sue stood there silently until Gertrude finally made her way to the back door. Then Sue put a hand on Gertrude’s arm. “It’s all right, Gertrude. Most of the ladies go through this when they first arrive, looking for a way to get away. But there really isn’t anywhere to go, Gertrude. And I think you’ll find that this place will grow on you. Soon, you won’t even want to leave!”
Gertrude summoned up her best poppycock smile. Then she patted Sue’s hand. “You’re right, Sue. I think it already is growing on me. It’s so beautiful. So peaceful. Why don’t you call me Gert.”
Sue’s face spread into a giant smile, and she flung her arms around Gertrude, one hand still holding the revolver. Gertrude wasn’t expecting this, and she grabbed the doorframe to steady herself.
“There, there,” Gertrude said, patting the lunatic on the back.
14
When Gertrude reentered the cabin, everyone turned to stare at her. But the stares were different this time. They all knew. They all knew the plan. Samantha had already spread the word. Good girl, Samantha. Andy was right about you. Gertrude gave them a small smile and then said, “What smells so yummy?”
Martha had made stir fry for supper, and it did smell delicious. Gertrude realized she was famished. She’d been so busy, she’d plumb forgotten all about food.
Gertrude gobbled up her share and then wished for more, but alas, none was forthcoming. She vowed to eat till she was full as a tick the next night, when she was safe at home with her cats.
She jumped. I can’t believe my cats will be home alone all night. She hadn’t spent an entire night away from them since they had moved into that trailer. She hoped they wouldn’t worry. Then she remembered they were cats, and that they would be fine. She was the one who wasn’t fine.
After the plates were cleared and the dishes done, Sue clapped her hands twice and said, “Who’s up for a game of Monopoly?” A few women dutifully made their way to the table.
Gertrude went to the small bookshelf, grabbed a random paperback, and then went to sit next to Samantha. “We good?” she muttered as she opened the book.
“Mm-hmm,” Samantha murmured. “But your book is upside down.”
Gertrude looked. Indeed it was. She flipped it over and pretended to read.
The women were still deep in the throes of real estate war when Gertrude stretched out on her cot. I’ll never be able to fall asleep, she thought, I’ll just rest my eyes for a bit. And then Gertrude promptly zonked out.
The next thing she knew, someone was placing a hand over her mouth. She awoke with a start and tried to swat away the hand, but then she saw Samantha’s gentle face hovering over hers, the pointer finger of her free hand in front of her lips. Gertrude nodded, understanding, and Samantha slowly withdrew her hand from Gertrude’s mouth.
Gertrude squinted to look around the dark room. Almost everyone else was awake, though it was still dark out.
“What time is it?” Gertrude whispered.
Samantha’s finger flew back into the “sh” position, and then she whispered, “It’s time.” She got up to wake up the few women who were still sleeping. She woke each of them in the same eerie manner, and one by one, the women sat up.
Gertrude felt them staring at her and was suddenly resentful that they all seemed to be counting on her. I didn’t ask for this, she thought, but then realized that yes, she had. This is exactly what she had asked for. She decided she was retiring from the gumshoe business. There was just too much pressure.
The last woman woken, Samantha tiptoed to her spot beside Sue’s door. Everyone else lay back down, but their eyes were wide open, and Gertrude could tell, even in the dim light, that their bodies were rigid with readiness.
Gertrude got up and stood on the other side of the door. Then she thought better of it. This wasn’t a very good angle from which to throw a punch. She decided to instead squat behind the table. Then she could come at Sue straight on, like a giant bowling ball.
The minutes seemed to stretch, and the sun came up, slowly filling the cabin with light.
Gertrude’s left leg fell asleep, and she shifted her weight. Yep, definitely retiring. She realized she was holding her breath and tried to take slow, even breaths. She wished she had a cat to pet.
Finally, Gertrude heard rustling inside Sue’s room, and she saw Samantha stand up straighter. Gertrude got ready to pounce. And then they waited. And they waited. And the door didn’t open. Gertrude didn’t dare relax though, and it was a good thing, because when the door opened, it flew open.
Sue stepped out boldly and began to say, “Good morning!” but Samantha cut her sunrise greeting short by grabbing her right arm and twisting it hard behind Sue’s back.
“Ow!” Sue cried, sounding more offended than injured.
Gertrude leapt out from behind the table and ran at Sue, full steam ahead. Sue saw her coming and her eyes just had time to go wide before Gertrude’s chubby little fist slammed into the side of Sue’s jaw, and her eyes shut. She whimpered, and started to fall to her right. Samantha helped her get the rest of the way to the floor. Then women from all over the room descended on her, pinning her to the rough wooden boards beneath her.
“Grab the gun!” Samantha cried. It had fallen out of Sue’s pocket, but Sue didn’t even seem to be aware of that fact. She just lay there sobbing. Gertrude grabbed the gun and pointed it at her. She felt herself smile. This is kind of fun. Her back hurt, her fist hurt, her knees hurt from squatting behind the table, but she was actually having fun. She was so not retiring. Holding the gun steady, Gertrude reached into her romper and withdrew the vines. She threw them into the fray. “Hogtie her, girls!”
It took the women several minutes to untangle the vines, and when they did, they didn’t hogtie anything. Martha daintily tied Sue’s hands, while Agnes politely tied her feet. But it didn’t matter. Sue was not trying to get away. The only movement coming from her body were the tears sliding out of her eyes and down her cheeks.
“Is she all right?” Betsy the besty asked.
Gertrude, Gumshoe Cozy Mystery Series Box Set: Books 1, 2, and 3 Page 24