Deadly Choice

by Jack Parker

  * * *

  Robin walked slowly into the court room and took his place quietly. He watched as Layton was brought out and his bail hearing began. The list of charges read out seemed to go on forever and Robin know that only half of these had actually been his fault, the others were committed by a different evil man taking a holiday in his body. But that didn't take away from the things he had done. Extortion, supplying tainted drugs, and two shootings – the shooting in 2008 of one DI Alex Drake and the shooting, just a few months earlier, of Kim.

  It was strange, Robin reflected, how as soon as that charge was read out he found his eyes drawn to the other side of the room. There were several people between them but there she was. Kim. It was the first time he'd laid eyes on her since she'd run scared from his physical reaction to her touch and it made his head spin. He hadn't expected to see her there. He thought she would stay well away but it seemed she wanted to make sure that Layton wouldn't be getting out on bail every bit as much as Robin did.

  Fuck, she'd seen him too. He saw her expression change a little as she caught sight of him from the corner of her eye. He turned well away from her, he didn't want to see her face full of horror at the memory of what happened. He stared instead at Layton, closing his eyes and giving a silent exclamation of relief as his bail application was denied. He breathed in deeply and nodded in approval. It may have been Keats that subjected him to the worst of the crimes but Layton needed to spend a very long time in prison for the things he'd done and Keats's actions were going to make sure that his length of stay would be fitting.

  Robin felt nervous as the bail hearing came to a close and bodies around him got to their feet. He tried to keep an eye on Kim in the crowd but for a moment he couldn't see her. Damnit, where was she? He pushed his way past a couple of milling people and finally found her. There she was, looking a little lost somehow. Her face looked haunted, as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She looked a little different to the last time Robin had seen her, her hair a little less spikey as it had grown out of the style, her roots showing and her face seemed a little fuller. He thought about the last time they'd met, the moment that scared her out of his door and out of his life. He took a deep breath and before he could stop himself he'd called her name.

  She froze for a moment before she turned around. For a second Robin thought that she might just keep on walking but now there she was, facing him. He swallowed as he stepped towards her. His hands were shaking, he couldn't remember feeling this anxious before in his life. He swallowed and tried to speak but he tripped over his words, cleared his throat and had to start again.

  "Kim," he said her name so quietly that even he barely heard it. He looked down. "I haven't seen you around."

  "Busy getting used to work," Kim whispered. Her voice was as strained as he had ever heard it and it made his heart ache just to realise that. He swallowed again, his mouth felt so dry and his tongue was tying itself in knots.

  "Yeah, you said in your text," he whispered. He hesitated. "How are you?"

  Kim didn't seem to know what to say.

  "I'm… I'm fine," she said eventually, "look I have to get back to work –"

  "Kim, no," Robin said quickly as he saw her starting to turn around. She froze but didn't look back at him, "Please don't go, not yet." He took a deep breath. "We need to talk."

  "I said I'd be back before twelve," Kim whispered.

  Robin stepped to one side so that she had to look at him.

  "Kim, I miss you," he whispered. She stayed silent but looked down. "I really miss you, and I'm sorry." He choked back many of the things he wanted to say as he forced out what felt like a generic line from a soap opera, "Please listen to me… what happened, I'm so sorry. I feel so humiliated… It was one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me, and that includes anything that happened in my lion taming days." He took a deep breath as her eyes rose and finally met his. "I'm sorry… I know you were offended, but –"

  Kim shook her head.

  "No, it wasn't that," she whispered.

  "ButI couldn't help it," Robin continued, "look, Kim, you don't have one of those things… they do things of their own accord sometimes. They don't... react the way you expect them too. Simon's been gone a long time and I haven't…" he closed his eyes. Now his cover-ups were becoming more humiliating than the truth. He sighed. "There's no one in my life who touches me any more. And no, I don't mean like that, I mean just… feeling a touch. A hug, or a hand or anything like that. I certainly never expected that to happen and I have been beating myself up over it ever since. It didn't mean," he choked, "didn't mean anything. It can happen any time." He saw Kim blushing and didn't want to make her feel any worse. She had a strange look on her face. She almost looked disappointed. "Kim, on the barge… when you kissed me…" He bit his lip. "I told you we could forget about it and you said yes please. Can't… can't we forget about this too?"

  Kim looked at him. He seemed so sad, his face looked ashen and as though it had lost its love of life. That brought her such a deep stab of guilt to the guts. She closed her eyes for a moment, so angry with herself for the way she had reacted. She wished that she could just forget it but she couldn't. It stayed with her as much as the sight of Robin draped over the tattooing chair or the moment she felt herself drawn in towards him on the boat. She couldn't push it from her memory, and that was scaring her. She looked at him, scared by the thoughts that were still flying around in her head and she gave a false, tiny smile as she nodded.

  "Yeah," she whispered, "of course we can."

  Robin felt a pang of doubt.

  "Are you sure?" he whispered, "you… don't seem very…"

  "Really, Rob," Kim said quietly, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, it just… I wasn't expecting it…"

  Robin felt a lump in his throat, but at least that was preferable to his trousers,

  "I know," he said quietly.

  "And I really have been busy with work."

  Robin nodded slowly.

  "I'm sure you have," he said quietly, "must take a lot of getting used to."

  Kim nodded.

  "Yeah," she said quietly. Her expression changed a little. Softened. There was a little more of the Kim he knew in there now. "I missed you too, Rob."

  Robin felt a heaviness across his chest.

  "Can I see you after work?" he asked, "Tonight? Please?" He saw her hesitate, "I… I want to catch up. Just spend some time with you." He looked down. "Seeing Layton's got me feeling angry and upset again, I need to be with someone who understands."

  Kim hesitated. Her first instinct was to say no, to keep well away and bury her head in the sand again but there was a jolt of her heart that made a different decision for her.

  "Yes," she whispered.

  Robin thought he'd misheard.

  "Yeah?" he asked.

  Kim nodded slowly.

  "I'd really like that." She couldn't stop the genuine smile that burst through as much as she tried to fight it back. That made Robin smile too. A warmth travelled through his body.

  "Great," he whispered, "i'll see you tonight. Maybe cook you something."

  Kim looked down a little.

  "That would be nice," she whispered, thinking about the lack of home cooked meals in her life of late.

  "Can you get to mine for six?" he asked.

  Kim nodded.

  "Barring axe murderers or anything of that nature," she said.

  Robin's smile was a little more relaxed now.

  "I'll see you later," he said.

  Kim nodded and smiled back.

  "Can't wait," she whispered.

  With one last, slightly awkward smile Kim and Robin nodded and waved goodbye, heading to their respective parts of Fenchurch East. The feeling Robin had inside flitted between anxiousness and joy. There were butterflies in his belly and he felt a nervous energy raging through his veins. Thoughts of the evening filled his mind for the rest of the day but they were topped with the
nagging voice that reminded him of one little fact.

  I want Kim.

  That was the part he was still finding impossible to understand and dealing with it just wasn't happening.

  Chapter Nine

  Robin's head was in a whole different place to his body as he arrived back at the station. He knew he wasn't going to get any work done. He did try… really, he did, but he kept filling in Kim's name on paperwork by mistake and unless he wanted to get her arrested and charged for any one of eight different crimes he decided to stop while he was ahead.

  There was a knock at his door and he felt relieved for the interruption.

  "Come in," he said.

  A slightly nervous Kelly entered the room. She gave Robin a tiny smile but there was worry in her eyes.

  "Hi," she said quietly, "I'm sorry to interrupt, I know you're busy…"

  Robin sighed and scrunched up another incorrect Kim charge sheet.

  "Can't seem to get this done today anyway," he said, "what's wrong?"

  Kelly looked pained.

  "I was wondering how Layton's bail hearing went," she said quietly.

  Robin's heart sank a little. Sometimes he became so preoccupied with Kim that he forgot Kelly was a part of the ordeal too. He looked at her sincerely.

  "He's still where he belongs," he said, "git was denied bail."

  "Thank God for that," Kelly breathed.

  Robin nodded.

  "My thoughts exactly," he said, He bit his lip and slowly got to his feet. "Kelly… can you do me a favour?"

  Kelly looked at him curiously.

  "Uh, probably," she said, "what is it?"

  Robin bit his lip.

  "Got a migraine," he lied, "I need to go home and lay down." He put his hand dramatically over his forehead. "Can you cover for me."

  Kelly looked concerned.

  "Oh, of course," she said, "It was probably the stress of Layton's hearing." She nodded. "You get home. Take it easy. Are you OK to drive?"

  "I'm sure I'll manage," Robin said, a little guiltily. Kelly smiled.

  "Take care," she said and held the door open for him.

  Feeling just a little guilty for taking a sicky, Robin grabbed his coat and left with haste. He had more important things to do than fill in papers incorrectly.

  * * *

  Kim tapped her pen against her desk, the array of suspects lined up on paper before her. This really wasn't going anywhere. Her brain had been mush ever since she'd seen Robin. All she could think about was six o'clock. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the glass on her desk. It wasn't brilliant, she had to say, She hadn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks and she was in danger of needing scaffolding to hold up the begs under her eyes, while her hair lacked style and shape. She looked like a mess – and that was how she felt inside.

  She got to her feet and walked slowly to the desk where DI March was looking through eye witness reports.

  "Sir?"

  March looked up.

  "Hmm?"

  Kim bit her lip.

  "I'm so sorry sir, I've got a migraine starting. Right here," she rubbed the side of her head and half closed one eye for effect, "I need to go home and lie down, take something for it before it gets hold of me. Is… is it OK if I leave? I'll work late tomorrow to make it up?"

  March sighed. This wasn't good practice for someone in their first few weeks. But she did actually look pretty bad. He gave a sigh.

  "Alright," he said, "Get home and get rid of it. See you tomorrow."

  Kim tried not to smile.

  "Thanks, Sir," she said as she bounded back to her desk and grabbed her coat from the chair. She knew she was being naughty but she didn't care. Everyone deserved to pull a sicky now and then, right? She grabbed her car keys and set off as quickly as she could. It was time to put a little effort into getting some sparkle back into her appearance. Not that she was making any kind of special effort for Robin, of course. She told herself that time and again. Just wanted to get dressed up. No harm in that, right?

  * * *

  # …You drink your coffee

  and I sip my tea

  And we're sitting here playing so cool, thinking

  "What will be, will be"

  But it's getting kind of late now

  Oh I wonder if you'll stay now, stay now, stay now, stay now

  Or will you just politely say goodnight?... #

  Hazel O'Connor's lyrics were driving Robin crazy as he peeled the potatoes. He wished that he could get to the radio to switch it off or change the station but he'd more or less fenced himself in with ingredients. He looked around the supply of food scattered around the kitchen, just perfect for the evening ahead. His heart had been going at a fast speed ever since he'd spoken to Kim in the courtroom and it showed no signs of slowly down. He couldn't seem to calm his nerves.

  It wasn't like it was the first time he'd cooked for her. Hell, she'd eaten at his more times than she'd eaten at her own house in the last few months. But he was anxious about everything that night. It felt like the first time he ever cooked for Simon, desperate for every last mouthful to be perfect. He felt so wound up that his hands were shaking.

  # …I move a little closer to you,

  Not knowing quite what to do

  And I'm feeling all fingers and thumbs,

  I spill my tea, oh silly me!

  But it's getting kind of late now

  I wonder if you'll stay now, stay now, stay now, stay now

  Or will you just politely say goodnight?... #

  The knife slipped as his hands trembled and a sharp pain came from his thumb.

  "Shit!" he cried, jumping to his feet, "I'm bleeding all over the fucking potatoes!"

  He grabbed the kitchen roll, ripped off a square and wrapped it around his finger before setting off on the trail of a plaster. He applied it quickly, swearing the whole time. When was the last time he'd ever cut himself preparing a meal? It was unheard of, it really was. He felt so stupid. What the hell was wrong with him? Feeling like an idiot, he grabbed the brandy bottle and poured a small glass to calm his nerves. He closed his eyes and gave a little gasp at the strength of the liquid as it warmed his throat, then took a few deep breaths.

  Calm the hell down, Robin. They're potatoes. They're not the be-all and end-all of the world.

  He glanced at the clock. Kim's arrival was still hours away. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? He was glad he had plenty of time to prepare but the longer he had to wait the more his nerves increased. He went back to his potatoes, vowing to be a little more careful this time, and began to peel again.

  # …And then we touch much too much

  This moment has been waiting for a long, long time

  Makes me shiver, it makes me quiver

  This moment I am so unsure

  This moment I have waited for

  Was it something you've been waiting for, waiting for too?... #

  The lyrics were killing him inside. He felt choked and he could hardly breathe. He pictured Kim in his mind and thoughts started passing through his mind that he wasn't ready for, replaying the sensation of her hand across his back, then on his chest. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the impossible scenarios that his mind was showing him. For god's sake, this was ridiculous.

  # …Take off your eyes, bare your soul

  Gather me to you and make me whole

  Tell me your secrets, sing me the song

  Sing it to me in the silent tongue

  But it's getting kind of late now

  I wonder if you'll stay now, stay now, stay now, stay now

  Or will you just politely say goodnight?...#

  As the sax solo started Robin shook himself out of his daze and got to his feet. He gave a deep sigh. He had to stop thinking about this. It was only winding him up further and getting him more nervous. He closed his eyes and realised that he knew what this felt like. It felt like a first date. How utterly ridiculous was that? Even if his own crazy thoughts weren't
bad enough Kim was every bit as gay as he was. Even if he tried to do anything about his feelings it would end in pure rejection.

  He grabbed the brandy bottle again and took a second swig. His head was in a mess and his potatoes were only half peeled. He needed to calm the hell down and focus. This was an apology meal. That was all. That was all it would ever be.

  And if he couldn't stop himself from letting his head go to places it had never ventured before then he'd soon be having to apologise all over again.

  * * *

  Kim turned off the shower as the last of the bleach ran down the drain and stood upright, wrapping a towel around her head. She walked to the bedroom, ruffling her hair as she did so. By the time she got there the excess water had gone and she set her now bright blonde and root-less hair free. She grabbed some gel and her hairdryer and began to get to work.

  As the hot air blasted around her face she felt a strangely nervous anticipation building in her stomach. There were butterflies – when was the last time she had that feeling? She couldn't remember.

  Actually, she could remember, but she wasn't going to admit it to herself. She hadn't felt it at all since she'd been back in the real world. Not properly. The last time she felt like this was on those many wonderful nights she spent with Shaz.

  "I feel like I'm on a first bloody date," Kim mumbled crossly to herself as her hairstyle began to take shape. She closed her eyes as that thought choked her a little. Had she ever felt like this with Linda? She really didn't think so. They met at work and they already knew each other pretty well before they started to go on dates, and even then they didn't go on proper ones. Not really. The more she thought about it, the more their relationship seemed to have gone; "Hello, we're friends. We know each other well. OK, so now let's start sleeping together and see how things go. OK, I think I love you. Let's get married."

  It had moved along. They had a lot in common. They'd shared many good times. But there was something missing.

  She switched off the hairdryer, thankful that the humming din came to an end before she really could develop a migraine. There was a little bottle of scotch on the dresser and she took a swig before walking to her wardrobe and studying the contents. Why didn't she have anything nice? Why didn't she have anything suitable for a date?