Deadly Choice

by Jack Parker

  "Of the thought of," she flinched, "Touching that." She cringed, "I've just insulted your whole gender… I'm sorry… I just couldn't bring myself to…" she trailed off and shook her head slightly. "Robin," she looked at him and he saw tears forming in her eyes which shocked him, "this has all… come from nowhere, and I freaked out. I'm sorry."

  Robin swallowed as he looked back at her. He felt himself shaking a little. Her explanation and apology seemed to come from nowhere too.

  "You couldn't have just told me this at the time?" he whispered.

  "I was terrified, I didn't know what to do!"

  "It was the same for me, you know," Robin protested, "your bloody… squidgy things…" he pointed but couldn't bring himself to say 'breasts' "…poking against me… I didn't know what the hell to make of that."

  "they're kind of part of the package!"

  "Well what about my package?" cried Robin, "Kim, you're not the only one who's completely freaked out by what happened. By what's happening," he corrected as he felt himself beginning to stir at the most awkward moment, just from her eyes and the feeling of her hand against his, "I don't understand it. I don't understand any of this! You think you've got problems, not only did I have to accept the squidgy bits but I had no idea what I was going to have to do if I got close to your," he swallowed uncomfortably, "nether regions."

  Kim found herself shaking a little. It was the first time that she'd really considered Robin having as hard a time with it as she was. She stared into his eyes. There was that same look that made her feel as though she had to pull in closer to him. She'd seen that look so many times now. She felt herself beginning to flush in the face. Her heart was racing again, God, what was that? She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Then she gathered her courage and whispered,

  "Rob, go and pull the blind down."

  "What?"

  "Over the door," she said quietly. She saw him hesitate. "Just do it?"

  Robin looked at her. He wasn't sure what was going on but slowly he got to his feet and did as she asked. As he returned to his chair there was a very deep look on her face. He waited for her to speak. He felt butterflies inside again. It was driving him slightly insane.

  "Well?" he whispered."

  Kim took a deep breath.

  "What the hell is this?" she whispered. She stared at him but he didn't reply. "I know you feel it too, Rob. That night would never have happened if you didn't."

  Robin stared back and felt himself starting to tremble slightly. His eyes turned downward as he whispered,

  "I don't know… Kim, I've been trying to figure this out for weeks."

  "I've been trying to work it out since that day on the barge," Kim whispered.

  "Fucking hell," Robin brushed the hair from his face, "Kim, I'm gay. I'm as gay as I always have been."

  "And so am I."

  "And that's not changed… it's not going to."

  "Nor me."

  Robin looked down. He found his hands moving absently to hers and holding them.

  "But there's something," he whispered.

  Kim nodded.

  "I know," she whispered.

  Robin breathed in and out, trying to get some oxygen into his muscles. He looked at her again.

  "What the hell is happening to us?" he whispered.

  Kim shook her head, her eyes glassy.

  "I don't know, Rob," she whispered.

  "I don't… like… women," Robin whispered.

  "I don't like men."

  "But I 'like' you."

  Kim swallowed as she nodded.

  "Ditto," she whispered.

  Robin didn't know what more to say, except for the one thing she hadn't let him say.

  "Kim," he whispered, "I'm scared by the way I feel about you. It's not just… not just because you're… well, not my type," he saw her give a tiny smile, "but because I didn't think… after Simon… I didn't think I'd ever feel this way about anyone else."

  Kim nodded, unable to meet his stare for a moment as she whispered,

  "I've never felt this way about anyone since Shaz." She choked as she whispered, "Not even Linda."

  Robin breathed in deeply, trying to control the fast beating of his heart. He looked at her, her face scared and innocent, like a teenager in love for the first time. He swallowed and felt his lip tremble as he whispered,

  "I don't know what this is but I'm feeling things I can't cope with. I've fallen… fallen for you," his voice was heavy and laden with tears that he was trying to stop from falling, "and I don't know what the hell to do."

  "Neither do I," Kim whispered.

  Robin rubbed his eye to hide the tear that was threatening to fall.

  "I'm terrified."

  "Me too," Kim whispered.

  Robin felt himself trembling.

  "So what do we do?" he whispered.

  He stared at Kim, waiting for her to give him an answer but the only one she had was to give in to the pull that wasn't going anywhere. It drew her in towards him and before he knew it, there were her lips again, pressed up to his. His eyes closed and his chest felt like it could explode at any moment with he speed of his heartbeat. He wanted to grasp her and pull her in closer and harder. He wanted that more than anything but he didn't want to scare her, or to scare himself. He wasn't sure he was ready to feel squidgy things again yet.

  All too soon the kiss ended and both moved away slowly, staring at each other. Robin was scared to blink in case she was gone when his lids rose again. He licked his lips and swallowed.

  "Uh…" he cleared his throat, "good answer."

  "Was it?" Kim asked nervously.

  Robin looked at her expression. She still seemed so scared. He wondered if he looked the same.

  "What the hell are we going to do?" he whispered, "this is so hard. No…" he noticed Kim's gaze moving under the desk, "No, I don't mean that…" he coughed and crossed his legs to cover up the evidence, "you're married."

  Kim looked down.

  "I know," she whispered.

  "And I'm engaged," Robin breathed, "to Simon." His eyes rose to a small memorial plaque on the wall and he closed them quickly. "Shit."

  "What?" Kim looked at him in alarm.

  Robin almost sobbed,

  "I feel terrible," he whispered.

  "Why?"

  Robin looked at her, his eyes now sad and dark.

  "This was his office," he choked.

  Kim's expression was one of utter mortification. He felt as though everything gave way beneath her. Her heart felt heavy and her eyes closed for a moment.

  "Shit," she whispered, "Oh god, Rob, I didn't know…"

  Robin shook his head.

  "I know, I know," he said quietly.

  "If I had, I wouldn't have…" she gave a sigh. "No, that's a lie. I would have done anyway," she looked at him sincerely, "I can't stop it, Rob. I don't know why, I just… just can't…" her voice became breathy, "I can't keep away from you."

  Those words made Robin's heart do very strange things. Things he'd never felt before. He couldn't understand what was going on. Even now, he couldn't explain it.

  "I thought it was just me," he whispered.

  "So did I," Kim said quietly, "until you… well, until I saw…" she nodded towards his nether regions and he turned a bright shade of pink.

  "Sorry," he whispered.

  Kim stared at him. She looked a little sad as she asked.

  "Robin? Where do we go from here?"

  Robin shook his head.

  "I don't know," he whispered.

  Kim bit her lip.

  "Is… is there any point looking to a future together?" she whispered.

  Robin swallowed.

  "A future?"

  "Should we even be thinking about being together if I can't bear to…" she cringed, "you know… and if you can't bear to,… you know, either."

  Robin stared at her. She had a point.

  "I… I don't understand," he whispered, "Kim, if neither of
us can feel any kind of physical attraction… because we're just not… programmed that way…" he found himself reaching up and gently brushing her hair from her face, "then why do I feel this way about you?"

  Kim shook her head, her eyes intense.

  "I don't know Rob," she whispered, "I just know that I feel," she choked a little, "more for you than I've felt for anyone since Shaz."

  Robin swallowed.

  "Maybe that's it," he whispered.

  "What?"

  "The connection."

  "What do you mean?"

  Robin took a deep breath.

  "If it's not a sexual thing," he whispered, "then what if it's because of our connection? We were both there. That place." He looked down. "You are my last link with Simon."

  Kim felt her brow furrow.

  "And I guess you're mine," she whispered, "he was my best friend there."

  "And we've been though some really intense things," Robin reminded her, "The Alex stuff, and Keats."

  Kim nodded.

  "I know," she whispered.

  Robin stared at her.

  "Could… could we be mistaking all that… for something else?"

  Kim almost forgot to breathe as she thought about the idea. She closed her eyes for a moment. The biggest question mark she had was over the fact that she didn't understand why she could feel an attraction to Robin when the thought of being physical was so hard to deal with. Could he be right? They had been through a hell of a lot.

  "I don't know," she whispered.

  Robin felt his breath stagger. It hurt him to say it but he knew that, for the sake of Kim's marriage, for the sake of their friendship and for the way that he felt about the idea of having a relationship with someone while Simon was in another world, he had to say it.

  "Maybe that's what this is," he whispered, "we're mistaking all of those things for something deeper." He swallowed, "after all we're both still gay."

  Kim nodded.

  "That's true.

  "That's not changed," Robin whispered, "if it had you'd never have run from my bed. His voice broke a little as he said those words and he noted the mortification on Kim's face. "Kim… there's something between us and we can't deny it but," he bit his lip, "I know that it's too hard for us to take it further."

  Kim looked down. Her stomach churned as she absorbed those words. Despite all she'd said and everything she'd put Robin through those were not the words she wanted to hear.

  "Yes," she whispered, "it's too hard."

  Robin nodded.

  "So," he whispered, "let's just get today over with… we'll find Nailer… and then we'll find a way to put this behind us," he felt his heart shatter as he whispered "and then you can concentrate on making things work. With Linda."

  Kim trembled as she nodded. That wasn't what she wanted to hear. It wasn't what she wanted to hear in the slightest, but after all she'd put Robin through it was all she deserved.

  "Alright," she whispered.

  Robin looked down. His heart was breaking. He tried to pull himself together.

  "We've been in here long enough," he whispered, "you leave. Go down to my car and I'll join you shortly. You can brief me about where we're going on the way."

  Kim nodded.

  "Alright," she whispered.

  "And we'll talk about this when Nailer is back behind bars."

  Kim nodded again.

  "Yes," she whispered. She got to her feet and looked at Robin. In her mind she could still see him draped across that tattooing chair. It might not have been a physical attraction… but if not then why couldn't she stop thinking about that? She turned and walked quickly from the room before she could blurt out something that Robin probably wouldn't want to hear.

  As he watched her close the door Robin put his hands to his face and let out his breath. He swore and cursed, wishing that he'd held his tongue instead of doing the gallant thing. He wanted Kim to save her marriage and to stay with her boys, even if her relationship with her wife wasn't perfect. Who was he to come between flesh and blood. But the memory of their kiss lingered along with the soft feeling against his lips. He stood up and slowly moved around the room, his hands tucked behind his head. He'd been walking for a minute already when he realised his bloody hard-on was going nowhere.

  "Fuck off!" he told it. "Fuck off! Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck OFF!" He glanced around as he heard the door open and saw a slightly disturbed Fullerton enter the room. He cringed but at least his tackle was out of view. "Dog training technique," he bluffed, "for making them go away. Fuck off! Just practicing…"

  Fullerton gave a nervous laugh.

  "Alright," he said, "Uh… keep up the good work."

  Robin gave a cringe of mammoth proportions as Fullerton left.

  "Well hasn't this been a day of dignity so far?" he cried as he thumped his head against the wall.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The air has been cleared, Robin told himself over and over again as he drove with Kim beside him. He knew that was only a partial truth. They were talking again now, and some things were in the open, but even now they were still lying to each other. Wanting Kim to concentrate on fixing things with her wife – who was he kidding? He wanted Kim to argue with him, to say she wanted him instead, but she hadn't. He knew deep down that he'd done the gentlemanly thing, the noble thing. He knew he'd be beating himself up even more if he'd tried to stand in the way of Kim's marriage. But he felt bloody wretched inside.

  "Robin, look out!" Kim's voice was urgent and broke through his daze as Robin found himself perilously close to running over a whole line of cones.

  "Bugger," he cursed, changing direction and heading away from them.

  "What's the matter with you?" cried Kim, "do you want me to drive?"

  "I just didn't see the cones, that's all!" Robin protested.

  "There're bright orange and one of them has a flashing light on the top," Kim reminded him, "what more can they do? A song and dance routine?"

  Robin ignored her comment and went back to concentrating on his driving instead. He'd already had enough car crashes for one lifetime.

  They arrived at an area of wasteland and climbed out the car.

  "Remind me why we're here again?" Robin sighed.

  Kim checked her notes.

  "Nailer had premises here for a while," she said, "there was a possible sighting of him about half a mile away. They want to see if the dogs pick up the scent of him at all, see if he's been around here."

  "I don't really see him wading through the mud and discarded car parts," said Robin, "if they went to all that trouble to break him out wouldn't they have somewhere better lined up for him to go?"

  "There are officers and detectives at most of his known haunts," said Kim, "but because of the layout of this place they thought that getting the dogs to pick up the trail would be the best way to check this out."

  "I think we're wasting our time," Robin said as he started to walk towards the team of slobbery dogs already assembled, "but…"

  "March has very set ideas," sighed Kim, "never let fact or logic get in the way of his plans."

  "Sounds like you're really enjoying his company," Robin commented to a two-fingered salute from Kim.

  * * *

  "I didn't make the call!" Nailer fumed, "did I make the call? No, I didn't make the call."

  He paced up and down, furious with his standing as a 'free' citizen.

  "Why would you want to stay locked away when there was an opportunity to get you out?" one of his closest friends asked.

  "That's not your call to make," said Nailer, "I was getting on fine in there! Food on the table, entertainment, a good night's sleep – what have I got now? A life on the run – again. Except now it'll be worse because I'm an 'escapee'!"

  His inner circle couldn't understand his words or his behaviour. For a man that had spent so much time, effort and money at staying one step ahead of the cops he really didn't seem grateful to be out and about.

&nbs
p; Nailer sighed and sank onto the bed in his makeshift hidey-hole. He couldn't explain it. He felt like he'd had enough of all that now. Yes, he'd stayed ahead of the cops for decades, but now he'd lost that game he was quite happy to do the time and enjoying the break. He didn't have the strength to start running again. Besides, he was carrying a bit more weight these days and his motorbike escape routes were less effective.

  He was stuck now. Unless someone would be kin d enough to break him back in he had no choice but to take back the reigns of his business and to spend his life hiding again. It wasn't like it used to be; the excitement and the thrill of it. It was time for retirement. But with the TV full of officers tracking him he had a feeling he wouldn't be resting for a long time yet.

  * * *

  "I don't think I'm even needed here," Robin told Kim as they trudged along the uneven terrain, following the officers who were handling the dogs, "they're perfectly capable of doing this without me." He sighed, "sometimes I wonder why I even took the promotion."

  Kim glanced at him.

  "You not happy?" she asked.

  Robin sighed.

  "Feeling like all I ever do now is push papers around," he said, "I 'liaise' a lot. I don't get to do very much any more. I come out with the unit and everything's covered already. I feel like a spare wheel."

  "You're never that," Kim assured him.

  Robin sighed as he carried on walking, watching some of the officers he'd helped to train guiding their dogs so well. He had started to feel like a spare wheel in many respects of his life now. Not just with work but maybe in Kim's life. Their earlier talk and his decision to urge her to save her marriage had now left him wondering if he had a role in her life at all. There was a worry that he'd find himself phased out, like a dangerous chemical. He wondered what his role was in the real world any more. What was he even doing here? Just treading water? Biding time until whatever the purpose was for him to head to the other world again came around? Was he even –

  His thoughts came to an abrupt end as a pain shot through his ankle while it twisted sideways and he found himself slipping over a ledge that he hadn't noticed.

  "Shit!" he gasped, scrambling to hold onto the muddy ground beneath him.

  "Rob!" Kim's voice held panic as she saw him slowly slipping away, his hands unable to grasp the ground. She rushed forward and grasped his wrist. "Robin, what the hell happened?" she cried as she tried to pull him back upwards.