Loving Violet

by Terri Anne Browning

  “He already knows,” I lied and turned my gaze out the window. I should have just told Dad right then that we broke up, but I couldn’t.

  Maybe I wanted to protect Luca for a little longer.

  Maybe I had a sick hope that it was all just a really bad dream and he hadn’t really cheated on me.

  Maybe I was a delusional idiot who was a glutton for pain.

  Either way, I wasn’t ready to tell the world or my parents that the guy I’d always planned on spending my entire life with had destroyed my fucking soul.

  --

  The thing about having such a tight-knit family was that everyone always seemed to know your business. Sometimes even before you knew it yourself.

  No sooner had Dad and I gotten to the hospital than Aunt Emmie and Aunt Layla had shown up. They were there even before Mom was, so I knew Dad must have called Aunt Emmie on his way to pick me up from school.

  Dad had an aversion to blood and gore. As in, he would puke the second he saw it. But he’d never seemed bothered whenever he’d had to patch me or Mason up over the years. Still, Aunt Emmie was there to help out in case he did need backup until Mom arrived.

  Luca’s mom took one look at me and wrapped her arms around me. “Oh, honey,” she cried as she touched my chin. “You’ve had a hell of a time, huh?”

  I hugged her back, but having the woman there who I’d always thought would one day be my mother-in-law, when that wasn’t ever going to happen after what her son did, tried to knock through my blissful numbness. Thankfully, things moved quickly once I was put in a private exam room after Aunt Emmie spoke to the nurses. Otherwise, the entire emergency department of the hospital would have been flooded with paps the second they got word that Dad was in the ER with me.

  The doctor and his nurse were just setting up everything to do the stitches on the inside of my mouth when Mom and Aunt Dallas arrived. Before Mom would even let the doctor touch me with a needle, she asked Aunt Dallas to examine my wound.

  She’d seen it Saturday morning and said I didn’t need stitches at the time, but I’d been reopening it over and over again all weekend and could tell it had torn more each time. Her blue eyes turned stormy when she saw just how much worse it had gotten.

  “It’s bad, Harp,” she said then stepped back. Hands clenching at her sides, she quickly excused herself, and for the first time, I worried about Cannon’s well-being. But he was at military school, so maybe she wouldn’t actually kill her son.

  I got four stitches and was told I could only have extremely soft food for the next week. By the time I got home, the numbing had begun to fade, and my mouth was one big ache.

  “Go to bed, sweetheart,” Mom said as we walked into the house. “Try to get some rest. You look like you need it.”

  I started up the stairs just as the doorbell rang. Mom opened it, and I paused to see who had dropped by. Seeing Lyric standing there, I felt my knees go weak. Exhaustion was pushing down on me, and I realized just how many hours I’d been awake.

  “Hey, Ric,” Mom greeted.

  “How is she?” he asked, then he saw me on the stairs. His brown eyes scanned over me. “Mom called me and said you had to get stitches. I skipped my afternoon class to come check on you.”

  I swallowed hard, wondering if Luca had sent him to check on me or if he’d come on his own.

  “She was just on her way up to take a nap,” Mom said as she waved him into the house. “Come in. Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

  “No thanks, Aunt Harper.” He gave her a tight smile. “If you don’t mind, I’m just going to talk to Vi for a minute, and then I’ll let her get some rest.”

  “Technically, she’s grounded,” she sighed, then glanced at me. “But I don’t see any harm in you reassuring yourself—and I’m sure your brother, as well—that she’s okay.”

  “Thank you.” Lyric kissed her cheek then started up the stairs toward me.

  I tried to tell him with my eyes I didn’t want to talk, but he just nudged me. In my room, I shut the door behind us then went into my bathroom to grab some ibuprofen for the pain in my mouth. I also changed into my pajamas that were hanging on the back of the bathroom door with my robe.

  When I came out, Lyric was standing by the window, frowning out at the ocean.

  “I was already on my way to see you when Luca called,” he said in a quiet voice when I sat down on the edge of my bed. Turning, he crossed his arms over his massive chest and studied me for a long moment. “Mom didn’t mention anything about you and Luca, so I’m assuming you haven’t told anyone about the breakup.”

  “Just Shaw.” He didn’t need to know I’d told Remington too.

  “Is that what you want? Not to tell the parentals yet?” I shrugged and he grimaced. “I need to know, Vi. I’m following your lead on this, and I don’t want to say anything that you aren’t ready to deal with.”

  I rubbed at the throb in the middle of my forehead. “I don’t know what I want to do. I’m not ready to talk to anyone about this, especially not my parents or yours. Can’t we just…let it go until he comes home for Thanksgiving?”

  “Yeah, we can do whatever you want. I’ll tell Luca and make sure he keeps his mouth shut to Mom and Dad.” He crossed to me and crouched down in front of me. Gently, he touched his thumb to my chin and tipped it up. “You’re a fucking warrior, Violet. You’ve been to hell and back in just a few days. You’re not screaming or crying or threatening anyone with dismemberment. You’re so strong and so grown-up.” He dropped his head. “But it’s okay to scream and cry. It’s even okay to want to cut off Luca’s dick. Or Cannon’s. I’ll help you with either of those if you want to.”

  “What will that change?” I asked him, feeling dead inside. “How will hurting them make me feel better? Crying and screaming will only give me more of a headache. I’m not five, Lyric. Throwing a tantrum because my future isn’t going to be what I always envisioned won’t miraculously make it happen.”

  “It’s not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside, though,” he argued. “It’s going to keep building up, and eventually, you’re going to explode.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “Probably.”

  But there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I wanted to do about it either. For the moment, I was blissfully numb to the pain of what Luca had done to us. The pain I’d felt when I realized he’d had sex with Megan? That was a million times worse than what he’d done on his eighteenth birthday. It was debilitating, and I’d shut down to protect myself.

  In health class, we’d covered psychology for a few chapters. Part of the material discussed the five stages of grief and loss. I’d always assumed it was for those who had to face the death of a loved one. But that was exactly what this was. I’d lost the guy I loved and, with it, the loss of the life I’d always dreamed of having with him.

  What I was feeling was plain and simple denial. If I refused to allow myself to feel anything, I didn’t have to face the fact that everything was fucked up. If I didn’t think about Luca or the future that would never be, took this one day at a time, I could get to Thanksgiving and face him again.

  Then I would let myself feel. I would let the numbness go and allow the other four stages free rein all they wanted.

  Until then, I would let it build up.

  If I exploded, I was prepared to face the consequences of what happened.

  Lyric clenched his hands into fists. “Okay,” he muttered when I didn’t say anything else. “Just… If it gets to be too much, promise you’ll talk to me. Or Shaw. Anyone. I’m worried about you, Vi.”

  I touched his arm. “I’ll be fine,” I promised, but in my heart, I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I believed myself.

  Chapter 24

  Violet

  Every year, my extended family took turns hosting Thanksgiving dinner. This year, it was Mom’s turn, and I always helped her cook. Aunt Dallas and Shaw came over to help us do all the desserts the night before, an
d then a few of my aunts would bring random sides as well as drinks.

  I was so busy that evening, I didn’t have time to think about what was coming the next day. Cannon wasn’t home from military school because he’d gotten in trouble, and his punishment was to clean every bathroom on campus over the week-long break. Not that I felt sorry for the asshole. I wasn’t in a forgiving mood, and I didn’t want to hear his apologies again.

  According to Shaw, he was lucky to still be breathing because after I’d had to get stitches, his mom had flown to Texas where his military boarding school was and had a long “talk” with her son. I didn’t imagine she had actually put her hands on him; she wouldn’t physically abuse her child. But she had a wickedly sharp tongue that could bring even the thickest-skinned person to tears.

  I knew from Lyric that Luca wasn’t flying out until Thanksgiving morning then going back that night, but he hadn’t told me why. The plan had always been for him to fly in on Sunday and fly back out Thursday evening so he could be back in time for the Iron Bowl. Still, I was all too grateful to have a reprieve from seeing him.

  Although, seeing him for the first time since he’d shattered me, while our entire family witnessed it, wasn’t exactly something I was looking forward to.

  By noon, our house was filling up. Lyric had come with his parents, but Luca still hadn’t gotten in. Aunt Layla said he was going to come straight there from the airport, but she seemed agitated about something, as if she were waiting for a bomb to go off.

  With every ring of the doorbell, I became more and more tense.

  “Relax,” Shaw murmured beside me in the kitchen where we were buttering the rolls before putting them in the oven. Dinner would be ready shortly, and Lyric said he’d just gotten a text from his brother saying Luca would be there soon.

  “I can’t,” I whispered. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about having to sit through a meal with Luca at the same table, pretending like I was okay until we could talk.

  I’d been fine for weeks. Had made it through the twins’ birthday with no issues. I’d even dropped by Lyric’s dorm and given him the birthday present I’d bought for him weeks before the breakup. Luca had tried calling me thousands of times, but I kept my phone on silent so the constant ringing didn’t drive me crazy. For whatever reason that I didn’t want to examine too closely, I hadn’t blocked his number even though I knew I should have.

  Then I’d woken up that morning, and my emotions had been close to the surface for the first time in forever. I’d been fighting not to cry, to stay calm so I didn’t do what Lyric was so worried I would and explode in front of my entire family like a lunatic.

  If I unleashed everything I was feeling on the world, I wasn’t sure I would survive it.

  “Vi.”

  I lifted my head slowly, and I found Lyric standing in the doorway. The look on his face made my stomach bottom out. “Yeah?”

  “He’s here.”

  Two words. That was all it took, and my heart started jackhammering in my chest. My palms started to sweat, and I could feel the anger—the rage—begin to make my blood boil.

  I looked down at the diamond eternity promise ring on my finger. I hadn’t taken it off, not once. Hadn’t even thought about it. But now, it felt like it weighed down my entire hand, and I pulled it free.

  “Okay,” I murmured, clenching my fingers into a fist around the ring.

  Aunt Lana walked into the kitchen behind Lyric, a grin on her face. “Violet, your boy is here. You need to get out there.” She walked over to Shaw and me nudged me with her hip so she could take my place. “Go. I’ll help Shaw finish this up.”

  “Um, yeah. Thanks.” I wiped my hands on a dish towel and followed Lyric out of the room.

  “Something’s going on,” Lyric muttered as soon as the door closed behind us. “Mom’s not acting like herself, and Dad is all kinds of tense. Aunt Emmie has spent the last hour whispering to him about something, and neither one of them is approachable. I don’t know what’s happening, but I have a bad feeling.”

  “Do you think they…know?” I whispered.

  “Maybe?” He grimaced. “I don’t know. Maybe he came clean to Mom and Dad, and they’re just waiting to see how you react so they can follow your lead.”

  “Vi!” Dad called out, amusement lacing his voice. “You have a guest, sweetheart.”

  I inhaled deeply and slowly released it. “I’ve got this,” I said, more to myself than to Lyric.

  “I’m right here if you need me,” he promised and kissed the top of my head. “Let’s get this over with.”

  Nodding, I let him lead the way to the living room. Lyric hadn’t picked sides with this breakup, and I was glad. I didn’t want to lose his friendship, but I didn’t want him to have a falling-out with his twin either.

  I could hear my uncles throwing questions at Luca, asking him how school was, how he liked his coaches, and if he was ready to face Auburn at his next game. They didn’t give him time to answer as one after the other asked him a new question as soon as one was already tossed his way.

  Then I was standing in the doorway to the living room, and my eyes were drawn to him involuntarily. I held my breath, waiting for the pain to decimate me all over again, and when our gazes locked, I felt my knees start to give out.

  Lyric was there to put an arm around me, laughing off my reaction when I heard Mom gasp in distress, while Luca rushed forward and started to touch me. I jerked back from his hand, but no one could see because he was so damn wide, he completely blocked me from the others.

  “Dinner’s not for another half hour.” I heard Mom saying. “Why don’t you two take a walk out on the beach? Just a few minutes to yourselves since he has to go back tonight.”

  Luca glanced at her with a tight smile. “Thanks, Aunt Harper.” Turning back to me, he held out his hand, and because I didn’t want to answer any questions yet, I reluctantly put mine in his.

  But it was the hand that had the promise ring in it, and when he realized what I was placing in his palm, he turned to stone right before my eyes. I watched as he swallowed hard then tugged me toward the exit.

  As soon as the door was closed behind me, I jerked my hand out of his hold, leaving the ring behind.

  He released a heavy sigh. “Vi…”

  “Not here. They might hear you,” I gritted out and kept walking until I got to the edge of the water. I was wearing running shoes, but I stepped into the surf and let the cold water ground me. I needed the icy reminder that I was still alive. That this pain he was causing me hadn’t killed me.

  He stepped up beside me and thrust his hands into his pants pockets. We stood there, both of us quiet for several minutes before he muttered a curse.

  “Why did you wait to fly at the last minute?” I asked, needing something rational to talk about so I didn’t start screaming at him like a lunatic. “Especially if you have to fly right back tonight?”

  If possible, he seemed to get even tenser. “I had a few things to take care of before I could come home, but I needed to see you.”

  “Like?”

  “I…I have to tell you something.” I heard him swallow hard and forced myself to turn and face him. His mouth opened and closed several times, but he didn’t seem able to find his voice.

  “Tell me,” I whispered, almost afraid of what he was going to say because, in my gut, I knew whatever was about to leave his mouth was going to hurt.

  “Vi… Baby, I’m so sorry.” His throat bobbed, and he closed his eyes for a long moment before they jerked open. “Lyric told me you didn’t want to say anything to the parents yet, but I had to tell Mom and Dad. And Aunt Emmie.”

  “Why?” What could possibly have made him want to tell his parents when he didn’t have to?

  “Megan…” I flinched at the sound of her name. “Megan says she’s pregnant.”

  The world felt as if it shifted, and I staggered back from him, feeling my stomach protes
t. No. This was some sick joke he was playing. I knew we were over, that everything we had ever talked about was never going to happen. But no way was he having a baby with someone else.

  I was supposed to be the mother of his children. I was the one who was supposed to give him babies.

  I was the only one who should give him a family, and when he broke us, I’d decided he should never have any of those things. It wasn’t right, was selfish and vengeful, but if we couldn’t be together, then we should both be alone.

  Forever.

  “Is she?” I gasped, feeling out of breath as I fought my gag reflex to keep the contents in my stomach where they belonged.

  He scrubbed both hands over his face and into his hair. “I don’t know. She showed me a positive pregnancy test, and the due date she said the doctor gave her matches up to that weekend we had—” He broke off when I felt what little color that had been in my face drain. “But I used protection. There wasn’t a problem with the condom. If she’s pregnant, I can’t be the father. But…”

  “But there’s the chance you could be,” I finished for him.

  “Yeah,” he agreed with a pained groan. Tears filled his eyes, and for all of two seconds, I wanted to comfort him. But that thought quickly crumbled to dust. He didn’t deserve my comfort or sympathy.

  “What do you want me to say, Luca?” I asked.

  “Nothing. You don’t owe me anything. But I feel like I owe it to you to tell you what’s going on.” He held out his left hand, his eyes pleading with me to take it.

  I took a step back from him. “You don’t owe me anything,” I told him in a toneless voice. “You stopped owing me anything the instant you decided to put your dick in someone else. That was the moment we ended. Whatever goes on in your life from now on, I don’t want to know about it.”

  He inhaled raggedly, and he was quiet for a long moment. We stood there, letting the wind blow against us and the waves punish us as I absorbed my new reality. I didn’t know how much time passed before he spoke again. “Even before you were born, we belonged to each other, Vi. You were in your mom’s belly, but I still felt you in my heart. It was as if there was this invisible cord connecting your heart to mine. I can’t see it, but I feel it. Every damn day. You are mine.”