Burn Me Anthology

by Shantel Tessier

  Too easy and completely expected.

  Stupid man.

  My lip twitches slightly before I turn to face the class, noticing they stand a little taller, a bit more attentive, as they await my words.

  “Discipline. It’s a crucial, crucial thing,” I mock his little “distraction” speech, and the group chuckles. I peek over my shoulder at him.

  He licks his lips and looks away. His way of fighting a smile, I’m sure of it, and I find myself grinning too.

  When I turn back around, it’s Rowan’s angry eyes that pull me in and I falter for a moment, but my “partner” takes his place beside me and picks back up.

  “Discipline is key to your success here at Blazer,” he tells them. “When you’re given a task by your executor, it’s your job to complete it as instructed. Taking things into your own hands can cause disaster, loss of structure, or worse, loss of life.”

  “As a firefighter,” I begin again, feeding off Alec’s words. “Your truest test will be your ability to follow instructions and work as a team. This is not to say instincts should be ignored, but here at Blazer, we’ll help you recognize instinct over impulse.”

  “And there you have it, the double D’s, distraction and discipline. Now, let’s get started.”

  Two by two, we move from station to station, demonstrating then recording each person’s skill.

  At the end of the session, Alec has everyone grab their bags and drop onto the mat as he goes over the plan for the rest of the week. He’s very intricate in his explanations, making sure each and every recruit understands what’s being asked of them.

  I watch him and, after a minute, his eyes swing to mine. I quickly look to my score sheet, but hear the slight grin in his tone as he continues.

  “As you all know, on top of the standard 600 hours of fire academy, Blazer requires an additional 100 hours of afterhours assignments by the end of the program. These are extra ground drill hours you put in, rounds at the gym you were all given access to, things like that. Pull your tracker packs out, let me see who got time in last night.”

  I start checking off the names he rattles off, my pen freezing when he gets to Rowan and gives me a “No.”

  My eyes slowly slide his way.

  Rowan clears his throat, not meeting my stare, especially when Kevin, the guy he said he gave a ride home to, also says he didn’t get his routine in.

  With a shake of my head, I glance away, but of course, Alec makes sure to grab my attention. The corner of his mouth tips up harshly. He just had to dig and find out for sure, and to think, he seemed halfway decent there for a minute.

  Dick.

  And why would Rowan lie? He could have simply said he was tired or didn’t feel like it or whatever. I probably would have been disappointed either way, but oh well. The lie was pointless, which pisses me off. As far as I knew, we didn’t lie to each other. We never had a reason to.

  “Alright.” Alec pulls his phone out, frowns at the screen, then looks to the clock. “Go. Eat your lunch.”

  I’m the first one out the door, but low and behold, Alec is hot on my heels.

  I walk faster.

  “Why couldn’t you admit he didn’t show up last night?”

  “Mind your business, Alec.”

  “What, you embarrassed your boyfriend doesn’t want you enough to make the late-night trip to your place, like any other fuckin’ man would?”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I slap my clipboard on my desk and continue through the employee hallway.

  He follows.

  Of course he does.

  “Isn’t it humiliating? Wishing for someone that will never really be yours?”

  “Go away,” I sing-song, and walk into the bathroom to wash my hands, taking a second to catch my breath over the sink. He hit the nail on the head. It’s humiliating, all right.

  Here Alec is, assuming Rowan and I are together, when we’re not. Letting him believe so only makes me look like the fool with a fool, but the thought of him knowing the truth makes me uneasy. But I have no idea why.

  “It’s never gonna happen, Oakley!” he shouts through the door. “He’ll never want you right!”

  With a grunt, I shove the door open, tossing my wet napkin at him. “What does that even mean, want me right?!”

  “Exactly what I said. He’ll never want you the right way. Not enough.”

  “Enough for what?!” I shout, irritated.

  “Enough to erase everyone else.”

  My brows jump, and I shake my head slightly. “I don’t even know what you’re saying.”

  He steps close and my spine straightens. “He might be your little boyfriend for the sake of the fucking word, Oakley, but just like you don’t belong to him, he don’t belong to you. Does he?” he growls. “You don’t feel it, do you? Feel like you have him?”

  “Fuck off, Alec.”

  “When you have a man, when he’s yours…” He inches forward, placing his hands on each side of me, locking me in place. “You’ll feel it everywhere. You’ll heat at the thought of him, melt from his words, and you’ll fucking burn when he touches you. When he’s yours, he’ll fuck you till you’re spent, and still… you’ll beg for more. Crave more. Always more.”

  My chest heaves against his. I’m pissed, irritated, and ready to flip my shit, but God damn, if I’m not aching in areas I shouldn’t.

  He’ll fuck you till you’re spent, and still, you’ll beg for more.

  I’m hot, turned on.

  And this is Alec standing in front of me.

  He stands tall and steps back, takes in my heated skin and glazed eyes. He looks to my neck, reading my pulse likes he’s trained to do, no doubt picking up on the rapid beat of my treacherous heart. “Look at you, worked up over what it would feel like. What you’re feeling right now is nothing. Child’s play.”

  Child’s play?

  Child’s play.

  Of course.

  He thinks he can mock me. Come in here and prove some sort of point? No.

  Let’s play, asshole.

  I push off the wall into him. “I’m not above begging,” I whisper, aligning my body with his. “But I don’t have to…” Alec tries hard not to look curious, but his forehead creases juuust a tad. “See,” I tip my head to the side and lie, “he already knows what I like.”

  A deep, instant frown forms, and he pushes into me. Not a fraction of space between us, my back hits the wall.

  My eyes widen, but still I push. “He’s had years to learn, to explore…”

  Alec’s hands wrap around my upper arm, his grip tight. “If he fucks—”

  “When he fucks.”

  He growls, low and deep, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe.

  My head drops against the wall when he brings his lips to my ear. “You have no fucking clue—”

  “What the fuck?”

  Both our heads jerk toward the door, the employees only door, that Rowan apparently entered.

  I jump to the side, like I was caught with my hands in Alec’s pants, while he stays in place, crossing his arms over his chest.

  “You’re not allowed back here,” he tells Rowan, and my gaze flies to his.

  That’s what he’s going with right now?

  “Fuck off.” Rowan looks to me, accusation in his eyes. “I need to talk to you.”

  “Not right now, Rowan,” I refuse, fighting not to sound breathless.

  “Yes, right now, Oakley.” His eyes narrow and he takes a few steps closer.

  “Maybe you could, I don’t know,” I pin him with a glare, “come over later?”

  Right after I say it, I want to take it back. Yes, he lied and that was shitty of him, but my lashing out here in front of Alec, definitely won’t help the situation any.

  Rowan’s head pulls back, his brows jumping slightly, but it only takes a second for his features to soften.

  “Oak,” he calls tenderly, those golden eyes of his holding mine. “I’m sorry. Talk
to me for a minute.”

  “Leave,” Alec orders, and Rowan glares his way.

  “Man. Back off. Why don’t you leave so I can talk to my girl here?”

  My brows jump at his claim.

  His girl.

  Others have said it, a hundred times over, but he’s always laughed it off while I always waited. Wondering if that time would be the time he’d agree.

  Just now, he’s said it on his own. Claimed me for himself. Sure, it’s only Alec standing here, but that’s not the point.

  Rowan holds my gaze and hope burns inside me.

  When I take a step toward him, Alec takes a step toward me, his arm shooting out to capture mine.

  Brows pulled in, I lift my eyes to his.

  Alec takes one look at me, grits his teeth, then shoulders past.

  “Fuck your girl on your own time, Rowan. Not mine.”

  Aaand he’s back.

  I try not to let his comment upset me, but I can’t help the disappointment I feel as the door slams with his exit.

  Rowan doesn’t say anything at first, just looks from the door to me.

  “Something goin’ on I should know about?”

  I shake my head, my chest tightening as I do. Because even though I have no reason for it, I feel guilty, like I did him wrong.

  “Why was he back here with you?”

  My head tilts to the side, eyes narrowing. “Is this what you wanted to talk about?”

  He stares before sighing and runs his hands down his face. “No.”

  When he reaches for me, I allow him to pull me in and hold me tight.

  All through high school, Rowan and I flirted on the edge of a relationship. He never dated seriously and neither did I. I always took it as a sign, thinking one day we’d get there. One of us just had to cross that friendship line, but I was too chicken and he never did. Yet here we are, two years out of high school, and still I don’t know what his skin on mine feels like, his kiss. Nothing.

  But something’s changed. I’ve felt it since the program started, things shifting. Rowan’s more touchy-feely than before and goes out of his way to be near me. He’s constantly checking in on me, and texts me every night before he goes to bed.

  Still, I can’t help but feel like he’s forcing himself. When he touches me, it feels anxiety-driven, almost out of worry. When he looks at me, it’s more in sadness than resolve.

  Like right now, he whispers my name with such caution, wordlessly telling me not to read into this moment. It is, after all, a hug of apology. Not a craving for affection or the need to hold me close. Not him wanting to drown in my amber perfume or feel the way I fit against him.

  I swallow my disappointment and accept my friend’s embrace for what it is.

  “You don’t have to lie to me, Rowan. I’d prefer you say nothing rather than lie.”

  “I know. I just…” He sighs and drops his arms from around me.

  I step back and look to him. “You don’t have to explain. Really.”

  He nods, sighs again, and wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me under his arm and through the door. “Have lunch with me, Oaks.”

  The defeat in his voice is too much so I nod, allowing him to pull me through the hall and out the front, but something has me glancing behind me on our way out the door.

  Alec stands in his doorway, staring right at me.

  His face holds no expression, but his eyes tell me more.

  Alec Daniels may not hate me as much as he’d like me to believe.

  Chapter 6

  “How’s my sister from another mister?”

  I laugh into my phone. “Hey, Han. What’s up?”

  “Nothing, just had a free minute between rotations. Thought I’d try and catch my career-driven friend in the one hour a day she’s not working her ass into the ground.”

  I roll my eyes, grabbing a few drinks from the fridge, and carry them into the living room.

  “Oh, you know me. All work, all the time.”

  “And that, my dearest Oakley, is your problem,” she teases, and I shake my head. “You need some play. And when I say play, I’m not talking the way Rowan plays. Mind games and shit.”

  I sigh. “Hannah—”

  “Uh-uh, don’t ‘Hannah’ me. We bought our first box of Kotex together, bish, so before you feed me this ‘but Rowan’ crap, remember I’ve watched the chase. And I hate that you’re around him all day again. The progress I made this summer in my ‘get Oakley to kick him to the curb plan’ is in jeopardy here.”

  “Ha, ha, asshole.”

  “Seriously, though, Oakie Dokie, it’s been ten years. If he hasn’t come in hot yet, love you, but it ain’t happening. Treat that shit like fire and put it the fuck out!”

  When I sigh through a grin, Hannah laughs in my ear. “Sorry. You know I can’t go a whole day without trying. Like the guy, but not for you.”

  “Uh-huh, and you know it’s not that simple. I’ve tried, several times, to not want more. As you said, you were there. You know I dated some, hooked up a few times. It’s not my fault I get bored a few weeks in.”

  “So don’t date. You’ve only had sex twice in your life. You need to sample the beefs of the world. Plaaay,” she jokes, and my shoulders shake with laughter.

  “I play all day, every day.” I grin, pulling the phone from my ear to check the time. “Coolest job ever, remember?” Other than the newest pain in my ass—she’s not ready to hear about him yet. We need a solid hour for that disaster.

  “What. Ever,” she clips. “You stay your dickless self then. I miss you.”

  I grin. “Hannah, you’ve been staying here all week.”

  “And? I get home when you’re passed out and you leave before I get up. We haven’t even crossed paths yet.”

  “I know, but we’ll have Sunday. How’s your training coming?”

  “Fine. Had to stick a catheter up a seventy-year-old man’s dick today, and the fucker started growing in my hand.”

  I bust out laughing right as my doorbell rings. “Are you shitting me?”

  “I wish! I can’t unsee that.”

  “Hey, you’re the one that wanted to be a nurse.”

  “Uh, yeah,” Hannah complains. “To cute little babies. Not hairy old men.”

  “You’ll get there.” I pull the door open and Rowan gives me a small grin, dropping a quick kiss to my cheek as he walks by. “Hey, I gotta go. Row—”

  “Rowan’s there. Yeah, yeah. Tell him not to get comfortable in my spot on the couch. I get you this Sunday, all for myself.”

  “Love you.”

  “Same, but don’t think I’m joking.”

  “Bye.” I laugh, hanging up on her.

  I walk around the corner, finding Rowan already settled into the cushions.

  “Hannah?”

  “Yeah.” I plop down beside him. “I feel bad. She agreed to come stay with me while my dad’s gone, even though it’s an extra twenty-minute commute for her to school, and I haven’t spent any time with her. Our schedules are opposite, so we can’t ever have a full conversation, just bits and pieces.”

  “She understands, and she’s just as busy as you are.”

  “Yeah. Still sucks.”

  Rowan nods and glances off, and I remember yesterday’s awkward ground drills.

  Alec had to go and yank his top off like an animal, while all the attention was on the two of us, and I mean, I am a girl. I’m genetically engineered to stop and appreciate a flawless frame when it’s so brazenly displayed. Still, Rowan being there to witness it, to see me practically drooling over another man—Alec, no less—is mortifying.

  He knocks me with his shoulder, regaining my attention, and tips his chin to the TV. “What episode are we on?”

  “The beauty of Netflix is we don’t have to know that. Just press play.”

  Rowan laughs and gets settled, tossing the remote to the floor after starting the show.

  About mid-episode, he stretches his body across the sofa, pulls m
e between his legs, and shifts so he’s laying back, with me on top of him.

  His hand starts rubbing circles against my back and quickly, my form relaxes into his.

  A few minutes into the second episode of the night, he pulls the blanket over us. I smile at the TV when his head turns so he can bury his face in my hair.

  This isn’t new for us.

  This is really the only time I have Rowan how I want him, late at night, once or twice a week.

  It’s always the same. As soon as he’s relaxed, he clings to me, holds onto me like it means something, but the next day, when I wake up, he’s gone.

  Tonight, though, his hold feels a little tighter. In fact, all week he’s made his best effort to be near me. But I’ve learned reading into his actions only leads to disappointment, because the next day, all’s the same.

  Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever be ready for more, ever want more.

  Other times, I wonder how much longer I can handle being in his arms like this before I lose my friend completely. I’m afraid a day will come where I decide if I can’t have him, I can’t hold onto him.

  And then I’ll let him go.

  “Oakley?” he whispers.

  “Yeah?”

  “You know I love you, right?”

  I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing my hand not to curl into his t-shirt.

  “Yeah, Row. I know.”

  ***

  When the alarm on my phone goes off, I quietly pull myself from the sofa. I’m careful not to wake Hannah, who must have crashed in one of the rooms.

  After a quick rinse, I dry my long blonde hair and dress in a pair of jeans and Blazer Academy t-shirt.

  I send a short and sweet ‘good morning’ text to my dad and write out a note for Hannah. Telling her not to forget to lock up when she leaves today, since I came home to an unlocked house yesterday. Then snag my keys and run out the door.

  When I look across my lawn to Rowan’s mom’s house, I stop.

  Rowan stands beside his truck, dressed the same as me, holding what looks to be two protein shakes.

  He smiles, and I grin back, walking the few feet to him.