Burn Me Anthology

by Shantel Tessier

  “Because I don’t know what to say––because there’s nothing I can say. I’ve been here alone for over half an hour. They rolled him in, disappeared behind those doors and walked out without saying a word. The EMT’s wouldn’t even look at me when they came out. So tell me Micah, what the fuck do you want me to say? Because I’ll be honest with you, I’m all out of encouraging words right now.”

  With my eyes glued to the floor, I held back a growl and took a seat on the empty chair beside hers. The tension between us felt like it was growing thicker by the minute. The situation we were in was my fault and it was hard to put a strain on my temper. I hated the silence, but what I despised even more was to see her still playing with her ring and avoiding meeting my gaze.

  “Did you call your parents?” I asked, hoping to smooth things over.

  She nodded. “They should be here any minute now. They had to stop by Leah’s to pick her up, she was a mess when I called her to let her know what happened.”

  I placed my hands over her bouncing knee and in an attempt to reassure her, I interlaced my fingers with hers. “Aub?”

  She took the longest time to meet my eyes. “If it’s okay with you, I want to wait before we tell them.”

  If it’s okay with me?

  I gave her a bitter mirthless laugh.

  Of course it’s not fucking okay with me.

  “Do you think I want this?” she screeched.

  “To be fair, Aub, I don’t have a damn clue what you’re thinking or what you want, right now.”

  “I’m thinking I’d like for you to be in the right state of mind when we tell my parents we’re engaged. I’m thinking we should wait and see what happens to Vince––”

  “Or what?” I abhorred and Aubrey jerked her fingers away from mine. As my snarl grew malicious, I cocked my head to the side and cornered my fiancé, daring her to say the words I was desperate to hear escape her daunted lips. “Why, Aubrey? Why would we need to know what’s going to happen to your brother before telling them you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”

  Come on Aub...tell me. Tell me this is my fault. Tell me I’m responsible for this and that you hate me for it. TELL ME!

  She stammered. “I––I don’t know, Micah. I just––”

  “Aubrey?” Leah called out, rushing past the twins’ parents as they were walking through the automatic doors. Austin trailed behind, holding Vivian’s hand as a good husband should. The minute they saw us, they figured out we’d been fighting.

  Confusion flooded my girlfriend’s face, grief surged through her mother’s tears; her dad’s lips were threaded into a thin line; and I felt nothing but contempt.

  “Oh kids.” Vivian cajoled her daughter, trying to soothe her tears as they pooled out of her.

  For a brief second I wondered if she was crying because of me or because of what was going on with her brother. And then the longer I thought about it, the more I came to realize that I didn’t care. If her tears were caused by me, then so be it.

  She knew what she was getting herself into when she chose to be with me.

  “I’m going out for some air,” I breathed without looking at her.

  “Micah,” my fiancé pleaded with her desperate turquoise eyes.

  Taking off my cap, I rubbed my head while grabbing at my hair. I hated her voice. I hated her tears. I hated that somewhere hidden inside me I still cared. I prayed for the little dangling filament that held my soul to either reach out or snap. Everything around me whirled, twisting my reality. I just wanted it to stop. “Aubrey, I just––I need a minute alone.”

  “Everything will be fine son.” Austin placed his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged him off and walked away.

  Before exiting the hospital, I regarded Aubrey. I tried to look for it, but the longer I searched the more frustrated I became. Inside my cold heart there was no remorse, no regret, but there was a shit load of resentment, too much fucking love, and a lot more contained rage.

  No, that’s where you’re wrong, Austin. Nothing will ever be fine.

  Chapter 8

  Aubrey

  Present

  “Mr. and Mrs. Bankes.” We all jolted at the sound of the masculine voice breaking the lingering silence.

  I sleepily sat up from the three uncomfortable chairs I’d been laying across, and stretched my stiff back. Micah’s hoodie slid off my shoulders and fell on my lap. Realizing that I had dozed off for more than an hour, my eyes riffled the room, hoping to see him resurface from wherever he had disappeared to. I missed him so much. I wanted to take every horrible word I had said to him back…

  But instead, they fell on a man in his late twenties dressed in green scrubs, standing in the doorway of the secluded room we had been appointed to twenty minutes after my fiancé walked out on me. After he left the ER, I had to explain what had happened to my parents. I ended up telling them everything, starting with our date night, our engagement…not leaving anything out, not even the fireflies…

  It was perfect––he is perfect.

  The lump in my throat thickened.

  I fucked up…

  Leah anxiously searched for my reassurance as the man walked towards my parents with an unreadable expression on his face. I had nothing to offer her.

  He started by shaking my mother’s trembling hands, and then directed his attention to my father. “My name is Dr. Anthony Noble, I’m the surgeon who operated on Vincent. If you’d like, I can take you both somewhere we can speak in private.”

  My father’s lips thinned as he gave the secluded area we were in a rapid overlook. I assumed Micah had something to do with the isolated room, but deep down I also knew I’d never find out if I was right or not. My boyfriend was the kind of guy who would go out of his way for his friends and family, but never wanted recognition for it.

  “This is Leah, my son’s fiancé, and this is my daughter Aubrey, Vincent’s twin sister.” My dad’s patience had run thin and my guess was that this was his polite way of informing the doctor he’d waited long enough. “We are all family here, Dr. Noble. Whatever you have to say, you can tell all of us.”

  The surgeon shook Leah’s hand, imitating my father’s thinned smile, but when he took mine, his lips turned into a wide charming grin. “I can definitely see the resemblance between you and your brother. You have the oddest and most beautiful shade of green eyes, Aubrey.”

  My brows furrowed at the inappropriate comment, but exhaled in relief when I heard Micah’s low familiar growl. Tilting my head to the side, I saw him standing in the doorway, glaring at me with his arms crossed over his chest. The clear blue eyes staring back at me were hooded, almost shadow like. In fact, as I took in his presence I couldn’t help thinking his protective growl was more instinctual than emotional. It was as if he couldn’t see me…only the darkness around me.

  “Micah,” my father called out before I could articulate my own words. “You’re also a part of this family, and I expect you to join us rather than stand in the hallway like you’ve been doing for the past five hours.”

  “Yes sir,” Micah yielded in a cold distant voice. But instead of coming in and standing by my side like I’d hoped he would, he leaned on the frame and lowered his gaze, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

  My jaw clenched as I tried to swallow the pain he was inflicting.

  “Mr. Lambert, correct?” Dr. Noble questioned. “I heard you’ve been giving my nurses a little piece of your mind for the past few hours.”

  Micah peered up for half a second, but didn’t speak. His sarcastic smirk, on the other hand, spoke a million thoughts his lack of words could ever say.

  Seeming to read into Micah’s silence, the muscles in the doctor’s jaw twitched and turned his attention back to my parents. “Your son has been slipping in and out of consciousness for the past three hours. After his operation, his heartbeats were unsteady and since we were unable to establish the reason, we had to transfer him from the recovery room to Intensive Care. We’r
e currently keeping a close eye on him.”

  “Is he awake?” Leah pleaded.

  “Unfortunately, no,” the surgeon apologized. “We’re still trying to figure out what is causing his heart arrhythmia.”

  I listened to him as he carried on with his explanation about Vince’s condition, but his voice sounded distant. I tried to pay attention to his words; all I could focus on was the ringing sound in my ears. My heart oscillated between relief, anger, sadness, and misunderstanding, as he used his technical terms to explain my brother’s condition. Part of me wondered if he was trying to impress me with his knowledge because he kept glancing at me in an annoying way. The only thing I felt like doing was kicking his pretentious ass back to his operating room.

  From what I could understand, Vincent’s right shinbone was broken and although the damage was pretty serious, the worst of his injuries were to his left femur. When the beam had fallen on his left thigh, it fractured the bone in two separate areas. Unfortunately, that wasn’t even the worst part. One of the spikes from the beam had fallen from the ceiling and punctured his leg, slicing through his muscle, and severing some nerves. According to Dr. Noble, this was why the procedure had taken him so much time.

  “Will he be able to walk again?” I croaked through my tight throat. Glancing up at my future husband that’s standing in the doorway, I had to ask the question everyone was thinking.

  Micah had clung to each word as the surgeon spoke of his best friend, sucking them in as if he was reliving a nightmare all over again. In his eyes I could see pain, he fought so hard at hiding it…but hidden in his dark dilated pupils there was also guilt. I didn’t understand. Sensing my gaze on him, he pressed his lips together and he drifted his attention to the floor.

  The doctor’s lips threaded into a thin line. “I’ll be frank with you, Miss Bankes, your brother’s chances of walking again are pretty thin.”

  “How much?” Micah probed, voicing my next question as I fought back my tears.

  “We can’t say for now.”

  “You’re lying,” I gritted through my teeth. It was more than obvious. For the first time since he’d walked in, Anthony Noble had avoided looking at me when he spoke. “So let me be frank with you, Doc. Right now, I really don’t give a fuck about your policies. Stop skirting around the issue and give us the number.”

  “Aubrey,” my mother scolded through her own tears.

  My glare didn’t falter. He knew what the odds were, he was either just afraid of getting in trouble for telling us, or didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news because the probabilities were too low.

  His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed. “Less than ten percent.”

  A sharp hiss followed by a loud thud resonated in the quiet room before I had managed to process the information he’d just given me, and by the time everything sunk in Micah had already stormed out of the room.

  Chapter 9

  Micah

  Present

  I had snuck inside the Intensive Care Unit while once the small hallway leading to it was empty. The sign at the door was pretty clear: No visitors allowed. I didn’t care. I couldn’t stand being surrounded by Aubrey and her family anymore, and walking away from the surgeon was the best thing I could do for the both of us. The way he kept throwing charming smiles her way as he spoke wasn’t helping me tame the anger building inside me. One more minute and he would have ended up on his own operating table.

  The fucking nerve…Did he not see the ring on her finger?

  After convincing the head nurse to allow us to use one of their private waiting areas, I went back outside for some much needed alone time. When I came back in, I took a seat in the hallway facing the door and watched my girlfriend sleep on her mother’s lap. Her engagement ring was the first thing I’d noticed. It felt like a calming balm on my open wounds.

  She looked so peaceful…so beautiful.

  Vivian had tied Aubrey’s hair into a loose braid that cascaded over her bare shoulders. As soon she placed her daughter’s head on a pillow made of coats, a small wavy strand of hair broke out of her tress. It covered her porcelain skin, hiding her perfect pink lips. My fingers itched for me to get up, wanting to push it away so I could admire my fiancé…but I was too afraid of waking her up––or maybe I was just too afraid of facing her.

  If she only knew how much I loved her.

  I had however, handed my hoodie to Austin so he could cover her body to make her goosebumps disappear. If I couldn’t hold her and be the man she needed, at least she’d know I’d tried.

  While waiting for some news about Vince’s condition, my future mother-in-law kept glancing my way. She thought I wasn’t paying attention, but I was. I was aware of all of them. I couldn’t tell if her eyes were filled with pity or disappointment, but the way she watched me felt like she knew what was going through my mind. She didn’t. In my life, I hadn’t shared my secrets with many people. The only Bankes’ family member who knew about my past was on a hospital bed fighting for his life, and he was there because of me. But the worse of them was Leah. She kept slanting her wretched eyes towards me, hoping or rather demanding, that I explain what had happened in the Phoenix’s basement. My mind kept replaying everything that had happened from the moment we climbed inside the truck to the moment I stormed through the ER doors. Vince following me inside the house pissed me off, but most of all, I was furious with myself because none of it would have happened had I not gone inside in the first place.

  In truth, I couldn’t give Leah the answers she needed because I had my own shit to figure out. My past was haunting me all over again and the rage that used to be settled deep inside my core was slowly scratching its way out.

  As I shut the door behind me, I feared bumping into a nurse or another hospital employee, but I didn’t. I was surprised to see my best friend’s body resting soundly in the corner of a deserted room.

  Constant supervision: my ass!

  Cool air flowed through the ventilation system and as I came to stand in front of Vince’s bed, I couldn’t help wondering how petrifying it would be to wake up in a strange dimly lit room, alone and in pain. The idea sent unwanted shivers down my spine.

  I should have listened to the damn fireflies…

  Better yet I never should have taken this stupid job in the first place.

  Wiping my sweaty palms against my oil stained cargo pants, I watched Vincent sleep. Both legs were in a cast. One fell just under the knee, the other ran high up his thigh. His neck was mobilized and transparent tubes were taped to his mouth and nose, controlling his oxygen intake. The only reassuring thing was to see his chest rise and fall as the monitor showed his steady heartbeat.

  I blinked at every signal. Too soon, the soothing sound morphed into a deafening noise and my short moment of serenity morphed into a violent burn.

  ***

  Twelve years old

  “Hey buddy.”

  I blinked as my eyes tried to adjust to the light.

  My throat hurt. Like I hadn’t taken a sip of water in two days or like that one time dad had brought me to the Yankee’s game and I screamed all evening.

  I felt groggy. And there was this beeping sound it was so annoying. Kind of like a monitor.

  Everything was fuzzy. Like a dream––a nightmare?

  I looked at my hands. They moved but I couldn’t feel them.

  The noise…it just kept beeping all the time. It was driving me crazy.

  I covered my ears to try to block it out, but it wasn’t working.

  “Micah?”

  I turned my head. Everything moved, but it felt sluggish.

  I looked at the stranger sitting beside me. It was dark out.

  My eyebrows puckered together.

  What time is it?

  That’s when I realized that the beeping sound was me. Well…not really me but like my heart...’cause I had these thingies on my hand and chest.

  I looked at the man, I didn’t know him. He had blue eyes. They
were so sad.

  I couldn’t feel my legs.

  Why does he have so many bruises and scratches on his face?

  I couldn’t feel my fingers

  Tears were rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t feel them, but I saw them fall on the blanket. And they made my vision kind of blurry

  Why am I crying?

  I tried to stop them––they wouldn’t. They just leaked out of me like a dripping faucet.

  I had this question. It burned the tip of my tongue. I wanted to ask something, but wasn’t able to voice my thoughts.

  That’s because you already know the answer…

  “Do you need anything? Want something to drink or something to eat?” the stranger with blue eyes asked me.

  He was wearing suspenders with a blue shirt.

  I frowned. Felt like déjà vu––like I’d heard the questions before.

  “We managed to reach your parents,” he continued.

  I tilted my head to the side, trying to figure out if I knew who he was.

  “They’re––um––outside with the doctor. Do you want me to get them for you?”

  I blinked.

  “Where’s Lillie?” I sounded hoarse.

  His gaze lowered.

  Lillie’s gone, Micah. She’s gone because you let her fall.

  My head started shaking from one side to another. “No. She slipped.”

  “Micah?”

  You broke your promise, Micah.

  I grabbed my ears. The voice was wrong.

  You killed your sister.

  My fist felt tight. The rage was real.

  “Micah?”

  “She slipped. She slipped. I tried,” I cried. My chest hurt, I felt like my insides were being ripped to shreds as everything that had happened hit me. I gasped, trying to breathe. “I swear I tried. She slipped. She fucking slipped.”

  ***

  Present

  “Vince. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I just––I saw––”

  I closed my eyes, and tightened my hands into a fist. I hadn’t voiced her name in so long. The pain it inflicted was too raw. I needed to cry, I fucking wanted to feel the tears, but they wouldn’t come. My hands went straight to my hair and pulled on multiple strands, hoping the physical pain would cause some sort of instinctive physiological reaction, but it didn’t. Every sob wanting to be released wouldn’t come out. They burned like slicing shards of scorching wood wedged inside my stoned heart, pleading to be released, but unable to because it was too afraid of being irreparably shattered.