Essence Revisited

by Darryl Bailey

  As a result, there’s an aching urge to correct ourselves, and everything else, and a huge amount of frustration and sorrow at the fact that it never seems to get corrected.

  But all of this is an extraordinary fantasy. Existence, as it’s experienced, is a totally inexplicable happening presenting itself. There can’t be anything wrong with it. Realizing this brings an incredible sense of relief and rest.

  Q: Nothing wrong? All over the world we have starvation, wars, brutalities. How can you say there’s nothing wrong?

  DB: These are the natural expressions of existence. Look at any forest environment, or ocean environment, and you’ll find the same apparent hardship and cruelty. The difficulty with this is the strange assumption that we somehow exist outside the movement of nature and that we’re in charge of it.

  The idea that we’re in charge of existence is a delusion. Everything we are is an expression of nature. We’re not holding existence together with our efforts; our efforts themselves are the movement of nature.

  We obviously don’t create our physical and mental abilities, our bodies, needs, interests, urges, understandings, and concerns, therefore; we don’t create our actions, or anything else.

  Q: That doesn’t seem very liberating, to discover I’m a total slave.

  DB: That’s not what I’m saying. There is no you that stands separate from existence. You’re not being pushed around by it. Everything you appear to be, and all that you appear to do, is not a definable you at all; it’s the unformed, inexplicable dance of the universe.

  You’re expressed in the same way the stars in the night sky are expressed, or any other appearance of nature is expressed. How can there be anything wrong with you? Which snowflake is doing it wrong? Which squirrel is making a mistake in its squirreling? What storm is making a bad life decision?

  In any moment, everything is the only possible expression it can be. Seeing this doesn’t make everything pain-free or flow in a pleasant way. It simply acknowledges that, in any moment, life is whatever it is, and it’s not personal.

  Einstein pointed out that we’re part of the movement of existence and are no more responsible for our actions than an inanimate object, such as a stone, is responsible for its behaviour.

  The Upanishads declare that when everything is seen to be a movement of the Lord, the big Self — the great dance of existence — “you” are liberated. There is no you apart from the dance.

  The Buddha declared, “What is is unformed; descriptions don’t apply, and realizing this puts an end to any belief in stories of ‘me’ and ‘mine,’ my existence, my doing.”

  The Bible has God, the great Spirit, declaring, “I am the I am (the basic happening, the amness, the isness). I create light, darkness, peace, and evil; I do all of it.”

  In all cases, there’s an indefinable event, or presence, appearing to be many things, but those appearances are false. The stories of you and me, of various forms, of one thing influencing another, and so on, are a fantasy.

  Q: But if you convince us that we’re not responsible for our actions it could lead to chaos. Without a sense of responsibility, we could do terrible things or give up doing altogether.

  DB: When the mind first hears these ideas it may attempt to reject them out of an irrational fear. It throws forth many objections, such as the ones you just mentioned. Or it will worry about being a mindless robot. If we’re functioning to the laws of nature, doesn’t that mean we’re merely robots? It brings fears of determinism and fatalism.

  There’s the fantasy that we’ll be trapped in some fixed mechanical way of behaving, with no hope of improving our situation, and we’ll eventually sit around thinking, “What’s the use in doing anything?”

  This is the power of illusion, the irrational fear of an ego losing control, when all the while there hasn’t been an ego in control. Acknowledging the vibrant flow of existence doesn’t lead to some apathetic feeling of futility. Instead, it gives rise to the wonder and amazement of a magical presentation.

  Seeing that we’re the dance of the cosmos doesn’t allow disorder, nor does it make us irresponsible. Even if a planet could know that it’s an expression of the universe, it wouldn’t be able to leave its orbit; the orbit is part of the expression. It’s the same with us.

  A sense of responsibility isn’t your creation; it’s an expression of nature. Love isn’t your creation; it’s also an expression of nature. Thinking isn’t your creation. If existence didn’t present it, it wouldn’t exist.

  Try giving up all that makes sense to you and all that you value. Try giving up the needs, interests, and concerns that you are in this moment. You can’t do it, because you don’t exist as anything apart from what‘s being presented.

  Try doing nothing at all; just try it, and you’ll eventually do something. You need to eat, sleep, go to the toilet, make a living, associate with friends. Everything you are is this compulsory movement. Even the urge to sit and rest is a spontaneous, compulsory action.

  Whether you appear to be the boss of a big corporation, or a nun meditating in a cave, or anything else for that matter, isn’t very important, because all of it is a totally inexplicable event accomplishing itself.

  If you aren’t already doing terrible things, realizing this isn’t going to leave you with a new tendency to do them. Your so-called personality isn’t your creation. Some people do terrible things, but, on any given day, most do not. The human race didn’t decide it would be this way; it simply is this way.

  This isn’t some robotic existence. You’re not being pushed around, or programmed, by something else; there is only the wild fullness of existence freely expressing itself. You don’t exist as anything apart from that fullness.

  In its illusions of form, this happening is endlessly creative. No two appearances of form are ever the same. Each and every instant is unique. No two identical things have ever been found. No two snowflakes, no two leaves, no two trees, no two moments.

  This shifting, vibrant event is ultimately unpredictable, because it never repeats itself exactly. Some general predictions can be made, but the particulars are always a surprise. Even the generalities can be totally unexpected; just look at weather predictions.

  Q: So life is moving out of control.

  DB: Ideas of control don’t apply to this; there is only movement. This flow has an inherent order, or current. Some call it an innate intelligence. A plant grows to that order. It twists this way and that, but eventually presents itself as a recognizable plant, even though it’s never identical to any other.

  The plant doesn’t need control; it isn’t consciously deciding to express itself this way. It doesn’t hold itself together with efforts, nor does it decide the direction of its movement. No one has the impression that a plant is in charge of its growing; it’s a movement of nature. Why would you think it’s different for us?

  Q: How did your sense of this occur?

  DB: It’s just happening. I could tell you a life story describing certain key moments, but all of that would be a fantasy; existence has no form or explanation.

  Q: But you have thoughts and stories.

  DB: No, not exactly; the movement that we call thoughts and stories is still happening, but it‘s a totally indefinable event that simply presents itself.

  As an infant, there is no understanding of anything; existence is an inexplicable buzz and tingle. It still is. It doesn’t matter how many forms seem to exist, or how many apparent sounds arise and fade, all of it is an inexplicable, unformed dance presenting itself.

  Q: That doesn’t help me understand this.

  DB: There is no understanding.

  Q: But can’t you say more about this process of awakening?

  DB: Yes, if you want me to.

  Q: How did this happen to you?

  DB: It seemed to occur over a lifetime, with particular realizations coming in particular moments.

  From an early age onward, there were periods when everything felt like one big happe
ning. In my apparent twenties, I had difficulty understanding how anyone could be “making” decisions, since those decisions automatically arise from interests and abilities that none of us create.

  Years later, I read a book stating that no one has ever had any experience of directing life. As I considered that statement, it was obviously true. The happenings that we call bodies, needs, interests, urges, and act ions simply happen as a movement of nature.

  At first, there was fear and confusion around all of this, because it seemed as though “I” was losing control; the storyline about a me being in control was threatened, but, as it became even more obvious that everything was happening on its own, the fear and confusion dissipated.

  At a further point, it became obvious that existence is absolutely indefinable. Identifying forms doesn’t explain anything, because existence has no form; everything is changing. The stories describing form can’t possibly be the truth. Even stories about a me growing up, reading a book, and having realizations can’t be true.

  There’s such a fascination with the appearance of existence, an attachment to how it looks, feels, and sounds, but existence has no particular look, feel, or sound.

  Whatever it appears to be now is already on its way to some other appearance. Feelings are changing, moods are changing, thoughts are changing, sights are changing, sounds are changing, bodies are changing, activities are changing — cities, countries, planets, galaxies — all of this is happening on its own.

  It’s an inexplicable, vibrant dance without form. No one is making it happen, and no one can stop it.

  Q: What about spiritual practices for awakening?

  DB: Most so-called spiritual practices are the attempt to develop and control something. They’re based on the fantasy that you’re in charge of existence.

  Those practices can’t move beyond the story that you’re in control, because they are the story that you’re in control, the belief that you’re going to make something happen by practising.

  Moving beyond this belief can only occur by realizing what’s actually happening, by realizing there is only an indefinable, vibrant event accomplishing itself. If you sit down and make no effort to do anything at all, the basic nature of life expresses itself clearly. This is the most profound meditation of any spiritual tradition.

  Some say it’s a practice, but many would argue that it’s not a practice, because you’re not doing anything. In the Advaita community it’s known as satsang; it means association with being.

  This doesn’t mean we always have to sit around doing nothing, but it’s only when we’re obviously doing nothing that it becomes obvious everything is presenting itself.

  All the great spiritual teachings ultimately point to this, no matter what else they seem to offer. Whether it’s called meditation, satsang, non-doing, bare awareness, silent prayer, faith, the corpse pose, just sitting, resting with the moment, and so on, isn’t important. In all cases, you’re invited to make no effort at all, and life may reveal itself to be the magical event that it actually is.

  The belief in form and personal doing may fade away, and the vibrant, indefinable happening that everything is becomes obvious. In certain traditions, they say there is only God or Atman, but these are simply labels for the inexplicable liveliness that existence is. Call it whatever you have to; that’s part of the dance.

  There are teachings that say it will take thirty years of effort to realize this and others that invite you to it immediately, but they all have this in common. Whether it seems to occur after thirty years of effort, or seems to occur while hearing someone talk about it, or seems to occur by sheer accident, doesn’t really matter. In all cases, it’s the realization that everything is unformed, indefinable, and simply presenting itself.

  If this realization occurs, all the descriptions and storylines are realized to be false. Thirty years of effort will be seen as fantasy. Stages of development will be seen as fantasy. Enlightenment will be seen as fantasy. These descriptions are false. There has never been anyone doing anything or arriving anywhere. In any so-called moment, there is only a totally unformed, inexplicable happening.

  However, the illusion of an ego directing its life is so widespread that the urge to control is found almost everywhere. Even in spiritual circles there’s a general assumption that the teaching must be about controlling something. There’s usually an attempt to control and create perfect health, perfect calm, perfect love, perfect concentration, perfect understanding, and so on, according to some idealized fantasy. But this misses the essential point.

  Q: Which is?

  DB: Realization. As Alan Watts used to say, “It’s not true that you came into this world; you came out of it, like a flower comes out of a plant. You’re something the whole universe is doing.”

  Q: But you’ve been meditating since you were fourteen years old. Surely that effort has created the understanding you have now.

  DB: With all due respect, that statement doesn’t make any sense. When you say one thing causes another, you’re actually saying there is only the movement of the universe. That’s what the story of cause and effect ultimately states.

  If we say meditating caused this understanding, it then has to be asked, what caused the meditating? We might say that it was based on the personality, ability, and need that I am. But what caused those things? We could say my genetic makeup had something to do with it, as well as my upbringing.

  But what was the cause of those things? We then have to consider my parents, their genetics, their upbringing — my grandparents, great grandparents, and so on — back through the entire history of the human race.

  However, everything that occurs in the cosmos supports the human race, so we have to look at that causal chain as well. Human beings exist on this planet with the help of oxygen, moisture, warmth, and light. Those conditions exist because of the movement of the galaxy, and the galaxy exists because the entire universe arranges itself as it does.

  By acknowledging the entire movement of cause and effect, we come to the full happening of the universe and then run out of causes, because nothing else is evident.

  If you really believe in the chain of cause and effect, you can’t possibly believe there’s a separate self accomplishing anything. Every atom of your being — everything you appear to think, say, and do — is an expression of the chain.

  Q: The point I wanted to make is that people do spiritual practices and get enlightened.

  DB: Yes, apparently so, but obviously this has nothing to do with the practices, since out of the hundreds of thousands of people apparently doing them, over the centuries, only a relatively small number have awakened.

  Added to this is the fact that people who don’t do spiritual practices also awaken. Einstein was a good example; Spinoza was another. They merely acknowledged their scientific observations.

  I’ve heard of someone who was simply walking cattle back to a barn when he realized everything is the movement of nature. Another was having sex in a brothel. Another was sick, and spitting up blood, when this realization spontaneously occurred.

  A young girl in Japan was dying and realized the mysterious movement that everything is. A boy in India simply stopped feeling that he was a particular person and, from that moment on, acknowledged the totally inexplicable event of existence.

  Buddhist scriptures record that many people awoke while simply listening to the Buddha’s talks. Advaita traditions are filled with similar stories involving other teachers.

  This so-called enlightenment has presented itself in almost every situation you can imagine, yet there’s no particular approach, no method, and no technique that is guaranteed to make it happen.

  I’m not saying don’t do spiritual practices and I’m not saying do them. I’m saying you don’t have to concern yourself with that, because everything is a movement of nature. That includes the way you live, as well as any so-called awakening.

  All that anyone can ever do is be the body, need, interest
, urge, and action that nature is presenting in any particular moment.

  Q: Can anyone be enlightened?

  DB: Actually, no one can be enlightened. The so-called awakening is the realization that everything is absolutely indefinable; even the description of someone getting enlightened can’t be true. Fixating on stories of enlightenment misses the miracle of life’s full event.

  If we walk into a forest, we marvel at the range and texture of nature’s appearance. Each aspect of it is a wondrous expression of the universe — each tree, flower, blade of grass, bird, and butterfly. We don’t feel any of it is a mistake.

  We don’t run up to the gnarled trees and tell them they should be like the tall, straight trees. We don’t tell them that they’re not trying hard enough, or they’re not good enough, or they’re not practising enough. We don’t tell them they’ve gone in the wrong direction or that they should be something else. That would be ridiculous.

  Instead, there’s an appreciation of nature’s manifestations, a wonder and delight. There’s the feeling that each apparent thing is a movement of the whole and each is playing its part in the great event we call existence.

  But go to the supermarket and see how much wonder and delight you find in the line of people at the checkout stand. In that situation, are we marvelling at the wondrous expressions of nature, or do we endlessly criticize nature’s creation? “Look at him behaving that way — what an idiot! And look at her; she shouldn’t be dressed like that — she’s too old!”

  We do the same at home, staring into the bathroom mirror, thinking, “What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t be like this. I should be something else, or something more.” Maybe we wish we were enlightened, or that everyone was enlightened, thinking it would make everything so much better.

  But the enlightenment mentioned in the great spiritual traditions isn’t a movement to a better existence. Instead, it’s the realization that everything has to be exactly whatever it is in any particular moment. All of it is the already complete and pure expression of the cosmos.