How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything-yes, Anything!

by Albert Ellis

  Audrey, an attractive dentist, who had loathed herself all her life and was still shy and unassertive, finally spoke up: “I’m sick and tired of the two of you moaning and wailing about your goddamned parents and how they made you the way you are. Let me tell you about my mother and father. They were the nicest and most gentle people I ever met. They loved me and supported me in every which way. They always told me I was bright and beautiful and that they knew I could do anything I wanted to do. They treated my brother equally well; and he was, and still is, very kind to me. Well, as a result of all this marvelous upbringing, you know what a basket case I now am—as meek and self-hating as I possibly could be! So why don’t both of you stop your shrieking about your horrible childhood and get on with your present lives? Just as I have to do about mine—in spite of my wonderful upbringing!”

  Three other members of the group joined Audrey in affirming that they, too, had had fine, loving parents—and still hated themselves. One of them, Jose, said, “I now see, through REBT, that I brought my perfectionistic self to my tolerant mother and father. No matter how often they accepted me, I pigheadedly refused to do so. And I still refuse! So I keep working to change me and my perfectionism. As you two had better do also!”

  Surprised by the group’s reaction, Karen and Rob were taken aback. Karen did some more thinking, worked hard at accepting herself with her failings, and then was able to forgive her mother and have a good relationship with her. Rob temporarily stopped resenting his father but then went back to blaming him again for all his present problems. He quit the group, has been in psychoanalysis for the past five years, and according to one of his friends who regularly attends my Friday night workshops, still spends most of his therapy sessions angrily damning his father.

  Too bad. But REBT can’t win them all. And obviously doesn’t!

  REBT Exercise No. 8

  Try to remember an event from your early life when you felt horrified, depressed, or self-hating. Then, see if you can figure out your rational Beliefs (rBs) and irrational Beliefs (iBs) that you held at that time that probably led you to feeling emotionally upset. See how you hold on to them today.

  Example: “My parents often made me wear ill-fitting hand-me-down clothes, and I felt so ashamed that I often stayed at home and refused to play with the other kids.”

  Rational beliefs (rBs): “I don’t like wearing ill-fitting clothes and possibly being laughed at by the other kids. But I can bear it and still get along with the kids who may laugh at me.”

  Early irrational beliefs (iBs): “I must not wear these ill-fitting clothes and be laughed at by the other kids. How awful and shameful. They must think I’m a fool—and they’re right, I am!”

  Present irrational beliefs (iBs): “I make sure I don’t wear ill-fitting clothes today. But I still think that if anyone laughs at me and thinks I’m a fool I agree that I am and feel very ashamed.”

  Example: “My teachers treated me uncaringly and unfairly when I was a child, and that made me very angry and rebellious.”

  Rational beliefs (rBs): “I wish my teachers would treat me caringly and fairly, and it is most unfortunate that they don’t. But that is their poor behavior, and they are not totally rotten people for acting that way.”

  Early irrational beliefs (iBs): “My parents absolutely should treat me caringly and fairly, and it is awful that they don’t. They are thoroughly rotten people for acting in that horrible way, and I hope they drop dead!”

  Present irrational beliefs (iBs): “Some people still treat me uncaringly and unfairly today—and they absolutely should not! These people are thoroughly rotten people, and I hope they get severely punished!”

  Whenever you think that your early experiences have made you or conditioned you to be disturbed today, recall and relive these experiences and figure out your rational Beliefs (rBs) and especially your irrational Beliefs (iBs) that mainly led to your past emotional problems, and also see how you are still clinging to these iBs today.

  10

  REBT Insight No. 5: Actively Dispute Your Irrational Beliefs

  So you are now beginning to have insight into your irrational Beliefs—especially into your dogmatic shoulds and musts. Great!

  But you won’t do yourself much good, nor will you remove your neurotic misery, unless you actively and forcefully dispute your iBs.

  Understanding is not enough, any more than understanding how to drive a car will make you a good driver. What are you going to do about knowing the ABCs of REBT and about the irrational Beliefs that you use to keep yourself disturbed?

  At the time I write this, I have twenty or more clients who are well aware of their iBs but who are doing little to dispute them. Irene has been in one of my therapy groups for four months; she often helps other members by pointing out their irrationalities and vigorously showing them that there is no reason why they must be in a good relationship or have to marry. But she thinks that because she is approaching thirty-five and has never had a long-term relationship, she absolutely must marry very soon.

  Irene keeps telling the group, “I think it would be desirable if I marry but I don’t have to.” She then secretly sneaks in, “But I really must!” And she rarely challenges and rips up her own must—so she remains quite anxious.

  Frank, another member of Irene’s therapy group, shows Irene her musts but tries to give her only practical solutions about her need to marry soon—like suggesting good places for her to meet suitable males. In his own case, he does the same thing: He looks for “good” ways to argue with his obnoxious boss instead of giving up his own demand that his boss must not be obnoxious.

  Josie, a third member of this group, keeps insisting that because Irene is getting older and because she dotes on children, she really should find a husband soon. Needless to say, Josie is hardly helping herself give up her own demands—that her daughter and her husband must be caring and fair to her—and she definitely is not helping Irene.

  So REBT includes Insight No. 5 : Fully acknowledge that you upset yourself with irrational musts. Acknowledging that you have musts will not in itself make them disappear. Fight them in many ways that REBT provides, but above all actively challenge and dispute them.

  When you are irrational, you oppose reason (good sense) and refuse to accept reality (the way things are). Science tells you how to use reason, logic, and facts to surrender your irrational thinking. It raises skeptical questions:

  • “Where is the evidence that I must succeed?”

  • “Why do people have to treat me fairly?”

  • “Where is it written that my life has got to be free of hassles?”

  When you use scientific questioning and disputing you figure out answers like these:

  • “There is no evidence that I must succeed, though I would very much prefer to do so.”

  • “People don’t have to treat me fairly, although it would be lovely if they did!”

  • “My life never has to be free of major hassles and probably never will be. But I can still lead an enjoyable existence! And I can even learn and benefit from the hassles!”

  Is REBT a self-treatment method that specializes in arguing and persuading? It is. With a vengeance! It holds that disputing, disputing, and disputing irrational Beliefs is one of the most important means of overcoming your emotional problems.

  Let us go back to the ABCs of REBT and proceed to D, Disputing. How would you Dispute if you had the problem presented in chapter 5? Let us see.

  G (Your goal)—you want a good job.

  A (Your activating event)—you do badly in an interview and fail to get the job you desire.

  rBs (Your rational beliefs)—“I don’t like failing to get this job! How frustrating! Too bad! How can I try to do better next time?”

  iBs (Your irrational beliefs)—“No matter what, I must get this interviewer to like me and give me this job! If he doesn’t, it’s awful! I can’t stand it! If I fail, that proves that I’m an incompetent person who will never be
able to get and keep a good position.”

  C (Consequence of holding your irrational beliefs)—you feel depressed and worthless. You avoid going for other interviews.

  Now that we have outlined the ABCs about your Goal of getting a good job, let us proceed to D—to scientifically Dispute your irrational Beliefs (iBs):

  iB—“No matter what, I must get this interviewer to like me and give me this job.”

  D (disputing)—“Why must I get this interviewer to like me? Where is the evidence that he has to give me this job?”

  E (effective new philosophy)—“There is no reason why I must get this interviewer to like me, though there are several reasons why I would prefer that. No evidence exists that he has to give me this job. If the universe ruled that he had to give it to me, he obviously would. But it doesn’t. Too bad!” iB—If I don’t get this job, as I must, it’s awful!”

  D (disputing)—“In what way is it awful if I don’t get this job?”

  E (effective new philosophy)—“In no way. It may be damned inconvenient. But it is hardly 100 percent inconvenient, since it could be worse. And if it were awful or terrible it would be more than (101 percent) inconvenient—which, of course, it can’t be. So it’s very inconvenient ! Tough!”

  iB—“If I don’t get this job, as I must, I can’t stand it.”

  D (disputing)—“Prove that I can’t stand it.”

  E (effective new philosophy)—“I can’t prove that because I obviously can stand it. First of all, I will hardly die if I lose this job. Second, if I really couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t be happy at all without this job. But clearly there are many ways in which I can be happy, even if I never get as good a job as this one.” iB—“My losing this job proves that I’m an incompetent person who will never be able to get and keep a good position.”

  D (disputing)—“Where is this written?”

  E (effective new philosophy)—“Only in my nutty head! If I lose this job it may not at all show that I am incompetent—but only that this particular interviewer didn’t like me. And even if I acted incompetently to the interviewer, that only indicates that I am a person who acted badly this time and not a totally incompetent person. Even if I often am incompetent at interviews, that doesn’t prove that I will never be able to get and keep a good position. So I’d better start looking again!”

  If you keep actively and vigorously Disputing your irrational Beliefs—at point D in REBT—you scientifically challenge them until you prove them wrong and give them up. And you change C—in this case, your depression and self-denigration. If you keep strongly Disputing your iBs, your disturbed Consequences rarely return.

  As you give up your unhealthy feelings of depression and worm-hood, you also are able to change your behavior and can keep going fairly easily on more interviews and continue looking for a job.

  To return to Irene, the member of my therapy group mentioned above, she finally admitted that, on the one hand, she was telling herself, “I don’t have to marry” but, on the other hand, she was even more strongly convincing herself, “But I really must.” She and the other group members then kept vigorously Disputing her irrational must until she finally got to—and really believed—the bottom line: “It is indeed highly desirable if I marry. But if I never find a suitable mate, I can still be a happy person. I can! And will! No matter what!”

  After weeks of accepting this new Effective Rational Philosophy (E), Irene’s panic vanished, even though her strong desires and goals to marry remained. She then felt healthily disappointed but not depressed about still being single.

  Frank, doing some amount of active Disputing but not as much as Irene, partially gave up the irrational Belief that his boss must not act obnoxiously, but he from time to time returned to it. Josie at first refused to surrender her demands that her daughter and her husband must be caring and fair to her. But when she saw how Irene overcame her panic about being single, she was able to accept, though not like, her uncaring family. As she noted to the group: “Dammit, they just are the way they are. And I didn’t make them that way. They have their own fine talents at being cold and unloving. Why should they not behave badly—when they obviously do!” Believing and feeling this, Josie became less obsessed with her family and more devoted to Chinese art—which rarely treated her unjustly!

  REBT Exercise No. 9

  Find something that you are now or have recently been emotionally upset about or that you acted foolishly about. Write it down.

  For example:

  • Someone lied to you and you felt furious and homicidal.

  • You failed to do your regular exercises and you felt angry at yourself and very depressed.

  • You wore an informal outfit to a formal affair and felt highly embarrassed or ashamed.

  • You were severely criticized by a friend you had helped, and you felt extremely hurt and self-pitying.

  • You promised yourself to stop smoking and didn’t stop.

  • You selfishly harmed an innocent person.

  • You gave into a plane phobia—drove a thousand miles to get somewhere.

  • You put yourself down for not overcoming one of your phobias or compulsions.

  When you remember the present or past time that you felt disturbed or acted self-defeatingly, assume that you had an irrational should, ought, or must and look for it.

  Example: “The person who lied to me absolutely should not have done that! How terrible that she acted the way she must not act!”

  Also look for the common irrational Beliefs that often accompany your musts. Write them down:

  Awfulizing, horribleizing, terribleizing

  Example: “Since I acted so stupidly about wearing that informal outfit to a formal affair, as I clearly should not have done, that’s terrible! It’s awful that I can’t dress properly.”

  “I can’t-stand-it-itis”

  Example: “When friends whom I have helped and supported severely criticize me, as they definitely should not, I can’t stand it! I can’t bear such ingratitude!”

  Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred

  Example: “Because I didn’t follow my promise to stop smoking, as I should have done, I’m a stupid, worthless person. Considering how important it is to stop, I’m really no good for continuing to smoke.”

  Feelings of undeservingness and self-damnation

  Example: “Because I selfishly harmed my innocent friend, as I absolutely should not have done, I am a damnable person who deserves to be punished. I am undeserving of any acceptance by others and should be severely boycotted.”

  Belief in allness, neverness, and totality

  Example: “Now that I have stupidly given in to my plane phobia and driven a thousand miles to get from New York to Chicago, as I definitely should not have done, I’ll never be able to overcome my irrational fear of planes, I’ll always have to drive instead of fly long distances, and I am totally unable to conquer my phobia.”

  Belief in perfection, specialness, and grandiosity

  Example: “I must be perfect, special, and noble and if I am less than this, I am not really a good or worthy person. If I am not super-special, I am nothing!”

  Now actively Dispute (at point D) your irrational Beliefs (iBs) by asking scientific questions about them and assuming that if you keep questioning and challenging them you can definitely change them to preferences or give them up entirely. Here are some of the main Disputing questions you can ask:

  Disputing question: “Why is my iB true? Why does it not conform to reality?”

  Example: “Why should not people who lie to me do what they do—lie ? Why must not they act in that way and why is it terrible if they do?”

  Answer: There is no reason why they should not or must not lie, though it would be highly desirable if they didn’t. Actually, if they are prone to lying right now, they must keep lying—for that is their nature. And if they do lie, it is hardly terrible (or badder than it should be) but only highly inconvenient. And I ca
n live with that inconvenience.”

  Disputing question: “Where is the evidence that my irrational Beliefs (iBs) are true? Where are the facts to sustain them?”

  Example: “Where is the evidence that I should not have acted stupidly and worn that informal outfit to a formal affair? Where are the facts to prove that it’s terrible that I did so?”

  Answer: “There is no evidence that I should not have acted so stupidly, and there is considerable evidence that I am a fallible human who consequently will at times behave quite stupidly. There are no facts to prove that it’s terrible that I did this, but only facts to show that I encouraged some people to think less of my behavior (and probably of me) and that’s unfortunate, but I can still win the approval of many people and lead a good life.”

  Disputing question: “Where is it written that my irrational Beliefs (iBs) are true? Who says that they exist in reality?”

  Example: “Where is it written that friends I have helped absolutely should not criticize me severely and that I can’t stand it when they do? Who says that I can’t bear such severe criticism?”

  Answer: “It is only written in my head that they must not criticize me, since obviously they are not heeding my command. I can stand it when they do severely criticize me because their words can’t hurt me unless I sharpen them and take them too seriously. Since I won’t die from their criticism and can still accept myself in spite of it, I can bear it—and perhaps even benefit from heeding some of it.”

  Disputing question: “In what way can I support these irrational Beliefs (iBs)? How can I prove their validity?”

  Example: “In what way am I a stupid, worthless person because I didn’t follow my promise to stop smoking, as I should have followed it? How does this stupid act of smoking make me no good?”

  Answer: “In no way am I, a total person, stupid and worthless because I keep doing a stupid act like smoking. My act is foolish but that hardly makes me a worthless fool, only a person who is now acting foolishly, who may act less foolishly in the future, and who does many other intelligent things. It, this stupid act of smoking, is no good (or of little good) but I am not it. I am I, and I have the ability to do many good things and many bad acts. I also have the ability to change my bad deeds for good ones. So let me see how I can now stop smoking!”