Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  "YOU READY?

  Grady's voice rose in excitement as he pumped the wheelchair back and forth. I, on the other hand, was terrified.

  "Do I have a choice?"

  "Nope."

  His candor was refreshing. I looked beside me to a younger boy, probably in his early teens. He was very thin with a cute, squirrely face and wiry, short hair. A huge smile was plastered across his face, giving evidence this was not his first race. His driver was another male volunteer who looked to be about Grady's age. He was short and stalky. I think Grady mentioned him being a football player, but I was so nervous about getting caught doing illegal wheelchair races down a vacant hall of an abandoned wing of the hospital that I could have heard anything.

  The boy looked over. "I'm Jackson. Don't be nervous. We've only had one casualty since we started this."

  He said it so seriously he had me going for a second until all three of them burst into laughter at the expense of my horrified expression.

  "Okay, here we go," Grady announced.

  There were several other volunteers mingling in the background, drinking coffee and sodas.

  "You ready, dirtbags?" A girl, who appeared to be around the same age as me, stepped forward.

  The hallway took on a serious racing atmosphere. This was complete madness, but the tingle of excitement coursing through my body told me it was exactly what I needed. I held tightly to the sidebars of the chair like Grady had instructed earlier. I wanted to tuck my legs under my bottom for fear of one falling off the footrests like Jackson was doing, but I didn't have the blood circulation to maintain that kind of position. Instead, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as the girl they called Trixie stood in front of us getting ready to start the countdown. She even had a black and white checkered flag. I shook my head in amused disbelief.

  "Three, two, one, go!" She lifted the flag as she shouted and jumped up against the wall to get out of our way.

  We were off, racing down a very long hallway, neck and neck with Jackson. Grady and the other driver were taunting each other as I held on for dear life. I had no idea what I signed up for or how seriously fast these things could go. The hallway went in a loop, so we cut the first corner, barely escaping a collision.

  "You people are nuts!" I shouted over their playful banter while Jackson was laughing hysterically next to me. Our wheelchairs clipped around the next corner, but we were still dead even as we turned the final corner. The group of volunteers was lively now, having ditched their drinks for cackles and words of encouragement, almost all directed at Jackson, something I didn't mind. Hearing his laugh and seeing his face lit up warmed my heart. I didn't know why he was here, but for just a moment, he didn't have to remember why either.

  Trixie took her place at the finish line with her flag extended. I could feel Grady pull back just a smidge to let Jackson take first place. Trixie waved the flag, signaling the race was over and officially announced Jackson as the undefeated winner. They handed him a small basket full of candy, DVDs, and video games. The prize was obviously designed for him, confirming my suspicion he was meant to win all along.

  Grady wheeled me over to Jackson. "Great race," I said.

  "You didn't do so bad for your first time." Jackson laughed.

  "Yeah, well, I'm blaming my driver for the loss." I winked. He was such a sweet little boy, and the fact that he had been in here for multiple races told me he was sicker than he looked. My heart ached for him. "Thanks for the race. Maybe I'll see you around."

  "We can play one of my new games."

  Jackson’s determined smile was enough for me to try to keep my promise before I left. We hung out for a little bit, and then everyone dispersed their separate ways.

  "Want to take a walk?" Grady asked.

  "If you're the one doing the walking, then yes." It was past midnight, but I was having a lot of fun, and surprisingly comfortable around Grady. I recognized our destination as soon as the elevator door opened. "Why are you taking me here?"

  "Because I know you can do more than what you did earlier."

  He pushed me through the physical therapy doors straight to the walking bars.

  "Grady, I'm pretty worn-out from earlier, and won't we get in trouble for being here?" I was mortified to do this in front of him. What if I fell?

  "What they don't know won't hurt them, and I'll be right here. I'll catch you if you fall."

  It was like he was reading my mind. "Fine," I said reluctantly.

  He looped his arms under mine from behind and lifted me up to the bars. His chest grazed my back as he stood behind me, ready to catch me if he needed to.

  "Now, put some weight on your feet," he whispered, sending chills down my spine.

  I couldn't deny my attraction for him. He was gorgeous and kind. I did as he instructed and let my legs withstand more and more weight. When I was comfortable enough, I started taking very slow steps. It was absolutely exhausting, but with Grady so close behind me, it encouraged me to try harder than I had earlier. I made it from one end of the bars to the other, which equated to twenty-eight steps. More than double from this morning, but my muscles were on fire.

  "I need to sit."

  "That was amazing. I knew you had more in you. Want to get some fresh air before I take you back?"

  Grady scooped me up like a baby and put me back into the chair.

  "I'd like that." I hadn't been outside yet, and the air on my perspired skin sounded like heaven.

  We went out through the physical therapy room and passed the pool, then out onto the sidewalk path that led around a large open area filled with trees and benches. It was a warm evening with a light breeze that caused the sweat to burst into prickles all over my body. I wrapped my arms over each other and rubbed lightly.

  "Are you cold?"

  "No. It feels good. Thank you for bringing me out here and for including me in the race. It was fun."

  "You looked like you needed a little fun." He stopped at a bench and sat down on the end, putting me beside him.

  "Jackson. Why is he here?"

  "Cancer." Grady hung his head low and rubbed his hands together nervously.

  "How long has he been here?"

  "In and out since I've been here. So, a couple of years."

  "That's not good, is it?"

  "No. When he left in full remission last year, I thought he was in the clear, but the cancer returned. He's been here since just after Christmas."

  It occurred to me that I had no idea what day it was or season or year for that matter. "What's the date today?"

  "Friday, July 10th."

  The weather made more sense now. It was summer. That meant Jackson had been in here for over six months. "Do you think he'll make it through again?"

  "I don't know. I hope he will. His parents are here every day, and he has a little sister and older brother that visit, too. He would be missed by a lot of people if he didn't."

  I could tell the conversation was making Grady uncomfortable, so I changed the subject. “What do you do besides wheelchair derbies at the hospital?"

  He laughed loudly. "I visit rooms until I find the next perfect rider." He winked. "I should get you back."

  He stood up, and we remained in silence the rest of the way to my room. I had changed the subject, but it was obvious he didn’t want to talk anymore.

  When we returned to my room, he stealthily sneaked by the nurses' station and helped me back into bed. I had been freed of the IV and the heart rate monitor this morning, so I was no longer tied down to the bed, and the only beeps I heard came from the other rooms in the vicinity. He tucked me in like a gentleman.

  "It was fun racing with you tonight." He smiled from the doorway, shut off the light, and closed the door.

  "Thank you," I whispered a moment too late.

  Through the door, I heard a nurse scold him, "Grady, you can't keep stealing patients in the middle of the night."

  I laughed to myself as I pictured the nurse with her hands o
n her hips, scolding him like a child. The tone of her voice told me she had given up on punishing him a long time ago.

  "What? I just took her for a walk," he said innocently.

  I had no doubt he was batting his bright blue eyes and long lashes at the nurse in an attempt to appease her.

  I shut my eyes when it got quiet and fell asleep with a sense of peace.

  IT WAS MY last official full day in the hospital. It had been a week and I had regained all of my mobility. I was set to be released tomorrow despite the fact I still didn't know my name and no one had come to claim me. It was strange not being formerly addressed by a first name. I didn’t even have a nickname.

  I was feeling dejected and scared. Where was I going to go? They had suggested a women's shelter, which brought absolutely no comfort. One of the nurses had offered for me to stay with her since she lived alone, but it didn't feel right not having a job to pay rent.

  My last physical therapy appointment took place in the pool. It was a pretty hot day, so the pool was a welcomed relief. I had just finished the two-hour session, and I was sitting on the first step, soaking in the rays before I had to go back to my room. I had ditched the wheelchair a few days ago, negating my need for Grady's assistance anymore. I hadn't seen him since, and I wondered if I would see him again before I was discharged.

  "Well, hello there."

  I opened my eyes to Grady standing above me blocking the sun and filling my line of sight with his big blue eyes and goofy grin. I couldn't help but laugh. I was excited to see him. "Where have you been hiding?"

  "I haven't been hiding. I've been working," he answered, holding his hand out for me.

  I took it and let him pull me up. I was still a little unsteady on my feet, but I was doing much better. My balance was off, but I could hop if I wanted and not fall flat on my face.

  "And if I recall, you ditched me," he added.

  "How could I possibly ditch you? I'm in a hospital."

  "You went off and started walking and didn't need me anymore. I couldn't find the right excuses to come visit you."

  He handed me my towel. I was suddenly aware that I was standing in front of him in a hospital issued bathing suit. I wrapped myself quickly, not entirely comfortable in my own skin yet.

  "So sorry," I teased.

  "I heard they're letting you out of this place tomorrow."

  "You heard right." I slipped on the hospital sandals and walked back into the building.

  "Where are you going from here?"

  I shrugged my shoulders. "Your guess is as good as mine."

  He walked me to the bathroom in silence.

  "I just wanted to say goodbye in case I missed you tomorrow." He leaned on the wall next to the door.

  "I'm glad you did. Thanks."

  "For what?"

  "For making all of this more bearable." I grabbed the door handle, but he placed his hand on my arm, stopping me.

  "Are you going to be okay?" Concerned filled his eyes.

  "I hope so," was all I said as I left him to get changed. He was gone when I came back out, which only amplified the terror of what tomorrow would bring. He was the only person I knew, and tomorrow I would be back at square one. I sauntered back to my room, knowing only one thing for sure—the future held nothing but uncertainty.

  The next day I sat on a bench in front of the hospital with my discharge papers in hand and not a clue as to where I was going. They gave me the address to the women's shelter and the bus route, but I really didn't want to go there. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I was going to be a nameless homeless person. I couldn’t help the tears that fell when a familiar voice called from behind.

  "Hey." Grady sat down on the bench.

  "Hey." I wiped away the tears.

  "This is ridiculous, you know?"

  "What?" I sniffled.

  "That they just throw you into the wild like you’re a rescued animal they nursed back to health and released."

  "That's a pretty fair comparison to my situation." I shook my foot nervously.

  Grady stood suddenly. "Give me your hand." I took it hesitantly. "You're coming with me."

  He dragged me behind him toward the parking lot. I couldn't hold back the relief that replaced the dread.

  Someone had claimed me.

  Freckles

  GRADY HAD DRIVEN me out of downtown San Diego up into the mountains that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. All around me were drought-resistant trees and dandelions. It was rustic and breathtaking. Peaceful. It was a perfect summer day and the skies were clear, the sun warm on my bare shoulders, the light breeze sweeping up my loose strands of blonde hair that had fallen out of my knot.

  The house was more like a quaint cabin and it lent itself perfectly to the setting. The exterior was rich, purposely-weathered cherry wood beams with a simple architectural design that was reminiscent of a Cape Cod-style, and lots of windows.

  I looked back at the little white Dodge parked in the driveway and watched as Grady pulled out several shopping bags from the back seat. I blushed when the sun glistened on his biceps as he slung the bags around his forearms. He towered over me by several inches, had sandy blond, tousled hair, and cobalt blue eyes. While we were in the car, I would catch a scent of seawater every so often, which made me wonder if he was a surfer.

  As he carried the bags up the driveway, I couldn't help but feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. He had literally picked up a stray, fed it, bought it clothes, and was now opening his home to it.

  He smiled hesitantly as he neared my side. "Will this be okay for you?"

  I scoffed. No, literally, I laughed out loud. Was he kidding? His eyebrows scrunched as he stared at me oddly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…what I meant…ugh. I don't know what I meant." I sighed loudly.

  He dropped the bags onto the ground and reached out to touch me. I flinched and immediately felt worse, because he recoiled.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep my boundaries," he said.

  "No, no. I'm sorry. I'm just…well, I'm a mess. I don't know why I reacted that way. That was weird and rude and…" I grabbed a chunk of my blonde locks and started to twist them rapidly around my finger. I was so nervous.

  "Don't be sorry. Please, you've been through a lot, and given the circumstances, you should be apprehensive." He gathered the pile of bags. "Let me get you settled, and then I'll go. I'm sure you have a lot to sort out."

  Did I? Did I have a lot to sort out? I had runny hospital eggs and yogurt for breakfast, but aside from that I couldn't remember anything before I woke up in the hospital last week. Nothing. I was a blank slate. Grady was already stepping into the house, so I quickly hopped up the porch steps to join him, holding on to the railing because I was still a little wobbly on my feet.

  I was awestruck by the view again. The back of the house was wall-to-wall windows, and I was met with a beautiful blue sky meeting the ocean in the distance.

  "Beautiful, huh?"

  Grady had put the bags down onto the floor and was watching me, making me feel suddenly self-conscience.

  "Uh, yeah, I've never seen anything like it. At least, I don't think I have.” I pointed to my broken head. “Maybe I have…" Just stop talking. The frustration had been building slowly since I woke from the coma. It was like a silent killer, creeping slowly through my mind, and I felt it getting stronger each day. I just wanted to make it through this moment. I wanted to be alone when the breakdown hit me.

  He started to put the groceries inside the fridge. "So, if you need anything, just call me."

  He was evading the awkwardness, which was either really sweet or a sign he was regretting taking in the crazy stray.

  "Okay," I answered, pulling a piece of paper out of my jeans pocket with his name on it. He had nice handwriting. It was neat and in block lettering. Did I have nice writing?

  I waved the paper to show him I had it.

  He finished putting food into the pantry and then turned to me. "It's
not much, but when you think of things you want…" He trailed off. He stopped talking, making the situation more uncomfortable.

  "It's fine. I'm fine. This was really generous of you. I'll call if I need anything." I was feeling anxious to be alone. My stomach was tightening, and my heart was pounding.

  Please, just go.

  He brushed past me, careful not to touch me, and stopped at the front door. "What should I call you?"

  It was such a simple question. One people answered daily. Hi, I'm so and so. What's your name? And then you answered to be polite. Only, I didn't know my name, so I couldn't. I couldn't reply politely.

  "I…I don't know," I mumbled softly and apologetically.

  He took a step toward me, a gesture to show comfort, but then stopped. My flinch earlier had left its mark.

  "It's okay. I'll just call you Freckles." He winked.

  I smiled weakly. "Really? Freckles? Is that the best you could come up with on the fly?" I teased.

  "Yes, and because your light dusting of freckles is very endearing."

  My cheeks warmed from the compliment. With one word, he was able to break the proverbial ice. Freckles.

  "Talk to you later, Freckles." His crooked half-smile put me at ease as he closed the door. Then, suddenly, he opened it, causing me to jump. He peeked his head back inside and tossed me the keys. "You might need those. Oh, and my neighbor likes to use the trailhead out back, so don't be surprised if you see someone back there. He's harmless." He flashed another smile and closed the door.

  I waited to see if he was going to pop in again, but the sound of a car engine solidified his departure, which was a relief, but I was surprised a little layer of disappointment hung over me, too.

  I was alone.

  For the first time since I woke up in my hospital room, I was in pure silence. No monitors or distant voices or footsteps echoing in the hallway.

  Unadulterated silence.

  Did my former self like solitude? Right now, I felt anxious, so I walked around the house, giving myself a tour. Right off the front door was a guest bathroom. It was cute with a pedestal sink, and it had a shower strategically placed behind the bathroom door. The room was simple. It lacked…what was the word? Character? It lacked character. It was plain. It reminded me of the first time I took a shower in the hospital after waking up.