Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  I rocked myself, chanting quietly, “Please make it stop, please.”

  "Freckles, it's okay. I'm here."

  Why won't it stop? I thought.

  A cold breeze sent shivers across my body, and then warm arms wrapped around me, scooping me up. I dared a peek and realized I had slid off the seat and was curled tightly into the floor of the car. Grady lifted me out and held me tightly in his arms.

  "I'm here. Shhh…It's okay. You're safe," he whispered.

  I couldn't respond, but the screams and honking had finally ceased, my heart was settling, my stomach relaxed, and I could breathe again. Grady carried me into the house, passing the source of the bright light coming from the floodlight above the garage.

  It was just a bad dream.

  He shifted me in his arms as he unlocked the door.

  "I can walk," I said, barely audible.

  "I got you.”

  He kicked the door shut and brought me through the dark house to the bedroom and laid me down. I stared up at him, taking careful inventory of his features. He seemed so familiar, yet a complete stranger at the same time. "Why are you helping me?"

  He brushed my hair out of my face and then kneeled by my side. "Because I can," he replied simply.

  "I know you can, but why? I'm clearly a mess." I was sobering a bit, and I was feeling the weight of the alcohol on my limbs as they melted into the sheets.

  "When I saw you sitting on the bench outside the hospital, completely void of emotion, it broke me. After getting to know you, I couldn't just leave you there without anywhere to go."

  "Do you know what happened to me?"

  "Technically, I shouldn't, because it's confidential, but I sneaked a peek at your chart one day."

  "Mr. Grady, you bad little boy." I was too weak to put much effort into my teasing. "What did it say?"

  "Do you really want to know?"

  The way he asked me was disconcerting. "Why would you ask me that? Yes, I want to know."

  "I'm sorry. I just assumed you discussed this with the doctor before you left."

  "Not specifics. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow for a scan and to discuss more details. She said she didn't want to overwhelm me all at once. Yet, they were okay just throwing me out onto the street. I mean, who the hell does that? 'We're sorry, ma'am, but we can't confirm an insurance policy, and now that you are better, you can't stay here.' Seriously. I know the doctor felt bad for me, but I can't believe they just kicked me out with no money, no identity, and nowhere to go. They told me to go to the women's shelter."

  "I know. I was in the hallway."

  "You were eavesdropping?"

  "Yeah. That's why when I saw you still sitting on that bench when I was going home I couldn't just leave you there.”

  "I was so scared, but at the same time, so numb. If you hadn't come around…" I choked back the pain.

  He took my hand in his. "I'm here, and Brandt is here. We're going to help you figure out who you are, and we aren't going to leave you. I promise."

  "What if you find out I'm some sort of crazy stalker or something?"

  "Well, then I'll carry a Taser." He chuckled. He stood up and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "Get some sleep, and we'll talk in the morning. I think you've had enough tonight."

  He was right. I could barely move, and talking was becoming a struggle as sleep beckoned for me.

  He pulled the blankets out from under me and helped me get tucked in. "Put your hands above your head," he instructed.

  I looked at him strangely. "Ummm, okay, but I'm not really into the kinky thing," I joked.

  "Just do it." He tilted his head, mildly amused.

  I raised my arms, and he inched his hands under the blankets, grabbed my dress, and slid it up and over my head.

  "You threw up on it a little bit, so I didn't really think you'd want to sleep in it."

  "Eww, gross. That's just lovely. Thank you."

  "You're welcome."

  He gave me an exhausted smile and started to walk away, but then stopped and turned to me. "For the record, I'm not into that either." He winked.

  I managed a little laugh. "Good to know, Mr. Grady. Good to know."

  He inched the door closed as my lids fell shut. I wondered why I wasn't attracted to Grady like I was to Brandt. He was obviously amazing. Love was such a strange thing. You couldn't see it, yet you believed in it. You trusted it because you could feel it. You craved it because you needed it. You fell because you wanted it. In my case, I was hoping I deserved it.

  Paper Wings

  IT WAS NEARLY impossible to open my eyes the next morning. The sun was excruciatingly cheerful and managed to find the one spot on the bed where I was lying. My head was killing me, and I was beyond parched.

  Water.

  I needed water.

  I sat up without the least bit of grace, tumbling right out of bed, my body tangled in the sheets. An amused laugh from the doorway caught me off guard. It was Brandt. I pulled the sheets tightly to my half-naked body. "Seriously? You're going to stand there and take pleasure in my pain?" I clawed my way up the side of the bed, peeking over to him sheepishly.

  "I wanted to apologize for last night and I brought a peace offering." His laugh tapered off as he held out a cup of coffee.

  "Thanks," I replied uneasily. He had ditched me last night, and I remembered it being slightly awkward. I grabbed the coffee and half-orgasmed with the first sip. "It never gets old.”

  "I could get used to seeing that every morning then."

  His smile penetrated the aftertaste of last night. He was too melt-worthy for me to stay mad.

  "Did you just ask me to marry you?" I raised an eyebrow as I took another sip. When he started turning white, I immediately regretted saying it. "I'm sorry. I was kidding. That was a bad joke. A stupid joke. Word vomit again. I mean, I guess it's better than real vomit, or maybe not by the look on your face." I shoved the cup to my lips and gulped hard, not caring that the coffee was scalding my throat.

  "I should let you get dressed," he said easily, walking down the hall and out of sight.

  I heard the back door open and close. I sighed deeply at my stupidity. Why couldn't I just be normal around him? I shuffled my way to the bathroom, dragging half of the bed with me. I placed the coffee onto the counter and was terrified when I caught my reflection. My hair was a knotted mess, and I swear I had crusted vomit on my chin. I dropped the sheets and turned on the shower immediately. I was going to need more than a little face washing. I brushed my teeth several times and hopped in.

  As the hot water washed down my neck, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have Brandt in here with me. There was this yearning inside me that just wanted to devour every piece of him, and if I read him right last night, he wanted me, too, but when he kissed me, I was seized by that memory and it was permanently etched in my head now. I was kissing someone. Someone I cherished. Someone I loved. It was enough to give me pause with Brandt. Someone out there loved me. I was taken, and being with someone else just didn't seem right. It felt like I was cheating.

  I dried off and dressed quickly, running a brush through my hair, and then when I caught my reflection in the mirror once again, my body froze.

  I couldn't move.

  I couldn't talk.

  I couldn't breathe.

  My heart ached, and tears streamed down my face.

  Brandt appeared in the doorway, and I glanced at him through cloudy eyes.

  "You're broken," he said as he pulled me into his arms and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

  "Isn't everyone?" I searched his eyes for reassurance. For the answers to everything.

  He hugged me tightly, and I knew when I looked at him that he was just as broken as I was.

  "I think everyone is broken in some way, but we all bleed differently, and some heal while others scar."

  "The hardest thing for me is not knowing why I'm so scarred.”

  He lifted my head. I should have to
ld him about my memory, but I was too scared. Grady and Brandt were all I had, and I didn't want to lose them.

  "You need some fun, Freckles." He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the house. “Let’s get out of here,” He tipped his head for me to get into the car as he opened the passenger side door.

  “Okay.” I chewed on my lip and slid in. When he slipped into the driver's seat, I asked, "So, what did you have in mind, Mr. Brandt?"

  "You'll see." His smile held nothing but comfort.

  "I love surprises. Or at least I think I do." I laughed at myself.

  "Everyone loves surprises," he said as he revved the engine and took off down the hill.

  It was still early, the sun not quite all the way up. I rolled down my window, enjoying the crisp air on my cheeks, erasing the rough night and bumpy morning. Brandt turned on the radio, and a haunting male voice filled the car. It was perfect and I closed my eyes, soaking in a moment of peace.

  Brandt reached over and interlaced his hand with mine, not taking his eyes off the road, as if this was the most natural thing to do with us. Our friendship was fast, our connection intense, and it was the most comforting feeling in the world. I didn't know what my memories held for me, but for now, all I wanted to do was be here. Right here with Brandt, in this car. I closed my eyes again and listened to the words projecting from the speakers.

  Life aligns like stars. There's gaps of empty spaces. Hidden are the scars…

  History repeats. But so does change. Does fear retreat or is it delayed?

  Now are we chasing time…

  I fell today to my darkest place and all that saved me were these paper wings.

  "This song…"

  He looked over at me. "It speaks to you."

  "Yes, it does," I said, half in this world and half in another.

  A few minutes later, we pulled into a zoo parking lot. "A zoo?" I snickered.

  "Yes. A zoo. Is that okay?"

  "It's perfect." I gleamed.

  He grabbed my hand as we walked up to purchase tickets. "Are you feeling adventurous today?" He pointed to the zip lining advertisement.

  "Sure, I'm game." I was nervous since I had recently rediscovered my fear of heights.

  "Are you sure? We can do something else."

  "No, I want to do this. This is my second chance. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be someone else or, at least, a better version of my old self."

  "You're amazing. You know that?"

  I wasn’t so sure about that, but I liked hearing it. He not only bought tickets for zip lining but also for the rope climb and a caravan around the park. "I guess we'll be closing the park down.” I chuckled.

  "Yep." He threw his arm around my shoulders and led me to our first safari.

  "Oh, wait. I have a doctor's appointment at four today."

  "We have plenty of time."

  The day had been exactly what I needed. I conquered the zip line and the rope climb with only a little trepidation. We had lunch before the ride around the park, which ended up being a private tour because the park was so quiet today. Brandt kept me close to his side the entire time. I liked how he protected me. I liked how he felt and smelled and looked. I liked everything about this man, so then why couldn't I just let go and give myself a pass? If I really loved this other man in the gaps of memories in my mind, then wouldn't I know?

  "Are you okay?"

  I twirled my hair, deep in thought, as we walked around the zoo. "I'm nervous what the doctor is going to tell me. What if there are other things wrong with me? What if my brain is broken?"

  He started laughing. "Sorry. I know this isn't funny, but I can assure you, your brain is fine. It just needs time to heal. You need time. And more doses of me." He winked.

  I laughed. He had done it again. He made me smile at my worst. "Lots more doses of you." I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "There aren't enough thank yous in the world."

  He pulled me in closer and squeezed me tightly. "No, thank you, Freckles. You were just what the doctor ordered."

  We had to rush out of the park after the tour to make my appointment on time. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot of the zoo, my stomach tightened again. The drive to my appointment was not going to be nearly as peaceful as it was going to the zoo. My foot tapped nervously, and at the rate of twirling I was doing, my hair would be completely curled by the time we got to the doctor’s office.

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  "That obvious, huh?"

  "I think it was the supersonic speed of your foot that gave it away."

  "I'm not afraid to know what happened to me."

  "No?"

  I shook my head. "I'm terrified to find out who I might have lost." There, I said it. I didn't want to admit it, but I was more fearful to discover the man from my split-second memory. Brandt took my hand again.

  "I'll be right by your side. No matter what we find out, I won’t leave you.”

  And he would be. We had just met, but I trusted him and his brother more than I trusted myself.

  My panic attack nearly overwhelmed me when we parked in the medical lot. Brandt kneeled outside the door as I hid my face in my knees, only half out of the car at this point. He patted my back and coached me in breathing, counting from ten and back. He had become my guardian angel.

  My attack made us a good ten minutes late, but the doctor was patient and understanding. Brandt and I sat in the chairs across from Dr. Surai, one of several doctors that treated me during my five-week stay at the hospital.

  "How are you feeling?" she asked.

  "Fine. I mean, I feel fine."

  "Have you recalled anything? Your name? Family? The accident?"

  I hesitated.

  Brandt watched me curiously.

  "You remembered something?" she pressed.

  "I did, but it was small."

  "Small is good. Once things start, the brain has a funny way of rolling with it."

  I liked her. She didn't try to impress me with fancy words. Maybe her youthfulness attributed to it.

  "What did you remember?" Brandt inquired.

  "I, uh…" I was fidgeting with my hands, trying to avoid my obvious hair twirl.

  "It's not important," the doctor interrupted. "What's important is that you're remembering." She gave me a knowing wink.

  I hated keeping secrets. "Can you tell me what happened?"

  "Yes, but first let's go over your brain scan." She stood up and walked over to the wall with the X-ray viewer and switched it on.

  My heart was starting to slowly pound against my chest as the anticipation rose within me. "Is that my…?"

  "Yes."

  Brandt squeezed my hand in support.

  "Nothing shows any brain damage. Everything looks great," she said.

  I waited for the sigh of relief to wash over me, but it didn't. I kept expecting the worst.

  "Doctor, if she's fine, then what's wrong? Why can't she remember?"

  She flipped off the switch that had lit up my brain scan and sighed deeply. She went to her desk, and instead of sitting back down, she leaned against it just in front of us and looked straight at me. "You have Dissociative Amnesia. It's caused from trauma. We see it associated with all sorts of traumatic events, from the death of a loved one to a car accident and everything in between."

  I bit at the inside of my cheek. Trauma. I had experienced something traumatic. My heart was pounding harder still, and I could feel I was on the brink of another attack.

  "I think it's important that you know what happened to you, but I think it's more important that we get the help you need to ensure it doesn't happen again."

  I looked up at her, confused. What did she mean 'happen again'? "I don't understand."

  She looked at Brandt as if his approval was needed. Approval from someone I had just met.

  His eyes met mine. "No matter what."

  The tears were already building in my eyes. "What did I do?" I choked out.


  After a long pause, Dr. Surai spoke up, "You were admitted as a suicide attempt."

  The air rushed out of me, and all the sounds in the room ceased.

  I tried to focus on what she said.

  I tried to remember before that morning I woke up in the hospital.

  I tried to breathe.

  I had done this to myself. I was the reason I couldn't remember. I had tried to kill myself. "Why?" My hands were trembling and my words were shaky. Unsure.

  She stared at me blankly, so I turned my attention to Brandt and asked again, "Why?" This time the tears had escaped, and I was sobbing.

  He took my head and buried it into his chest. All I could do was cry, and all he could do was comfort me, and all the doctor could do was wait. Wait until I had time to process the unfathomable.

  When there was nothing left in me, I slowly peeled myself from Brandt and wiped away the last of my tears. "How? How did I do it?"

  "Pills and drowning."

  "Oh my…" I shook my head and clutched my stomach for some sense of stability. "Who found me?"

  "We don't know. You were thrown into the arms of a technician leaving the night shift."

  How could someone just leave me? "I don't understand. Someone just left me?"

  "You were barely alive when you came to us. It was a miracle you survived, but we had to induce a coma because of the swelling in your brain. You had a large contusion on the back of your head, probably from a fall resulting from the drugs.”

  As she continued talking, her voice became distant and fuzzy, and all I could concentrate on was that I had tried to take my own life and the memory of the man. I had so many questions, but no one had any answers for me.

  "Hey." Brandt nudged me.

  I looked up and saw the doctor staring at me.

  "I know this is hard to process, but I think it's really important you see a psychiatrist," she advised.