Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

"Hey." My voice cracked as I sat up.

  "You're a leaf," she said seriously.

  "Ummm, okay?" Great. Was she high now? She really was a mess.

  "Your name." She giggled. "I remember thinking it was odd and reminded me of an herb. I can't remember which one, though."

  "So, you really do know me?" I was almost wide-awake now.

  "Yes, silly, I told you that last night."

  "Well, forgive me for questioning the truthfulness coming from a drunk."

  "Ouch." A pout formed on her face.

  "Sorry. That came out wrong."

  "You've been talking to my sister."

  "She's just worried about you."

  She stood up and paced the area next to my makeshift bed. "I know. I hate disappointing her. I'm trying. I really am. I just can't get the crash out of my mind. It's there when I'm awake, and it's even more vivid in my dreams. I found being drunk or high was the only way I could get rid of it."

  I was pretty sure Alex and I were having a moment, and I really wanted to be there for her, but call me selfish because I wanted to know my name even more.

  "I give up. Just tell me your damn name," she spat out, defeated and throwing herself at the foot of the bed.

  "I don't know it," I replied.

  "What?" Alex yelled. "Are you kidding me? Now, this is going to bug me until I figure it out. How do you not know your own name?" She stared, dumbfounded.

  "You know you're really self-absorbed, right?" I was appalled at her reaction to me telling her I didn't know my name.

  "Sorry. It's just one of those things, you know? Like it's on the tip of your tongue and you want to beat it out because it's driving you completely insane not remembering."

  "Yeah, I get it. Trust me." Alex was going on my people-to-avoid list. "I had an accident, and I forgot." Short, but to the point. I wasn't in the mood to rehash the story.

  "Oh, that sucks. Okay, then it's even more important I remember for you." Alex chewed on her finger.

  Her thinking face was painful to watch. "It's fine. I'm in therapy."

  "No, really. I'm going to remember. What about the hot guy you were with?"

  "Why don't you tell me about him and when you saw us together?"

  "It was before my accident. A friend dragged me to some huge celebration for another friend. I didn't really know anyone there, and I got pretty wasted."

  "When was this party?"

  "Last August. It was a pretty rad rager."

  "Can you tell me what the guy looked like? Or maybe his name?"

  "I don't remember his name, but I think he was with the people throwing the party. He was tall, hot as hell, nice body, clean-shaven, dark, short hair. Oh, and his eyes were amazing. Green, I think."

  Well, that narrowed it down. "He sounds cute," I said to contribute to the conversation. We were getting nowhere. "What accident?"

  She got very still. "There was a bad train accident last year. September, to be exact."

  I wondered…"Was it in the valley? Injured hundreds and killed a few dozen?"

  "Yeah, it was awful."

  "Were you on it?" She nodded her head. "I'm sorry. I heard it was horrible."

  "It was. I can't get the screams out of my head and all the blood. It was everywhere. Body parts…" She trailed off. "I lost my best friend and my boyfriend. Yet, I lived. It makes no sense. I should have died with everyone else. I should have died, but having to use the restroom saved my life."

  She was struggling to hold back the tears, but they were too strong. She wiped them quickly, reminding me of how I tried to hide my own pain from Brandt.

  "We were traveling north to a college party. It was supposed to be a fun weekend away."

  Nichole's door opened, and she came out, stretching and yawning. "You girls are awake early," she said as she bypassed us for the kitchen. "I'm making coffee."

  Alex dried her face. "I need to go," she called out to Nichole and stood up.

  "Do you need a ride?" Nichole asked from the threshold.

  "Nah, I texted my friend. She's out front. Thanks for the bed." She headed for the door, but then looked back suddenly with her eyes lit up. "Bay. He called you Bay. I think it was his nickname for you."

  "Thank you." I smiled.

  She returned the smile and then left.

  "Houston, we have a name," Nichole celebrated.

  Bay. Like a bay leaf. It was probably just a nickname, but it was a start.

  Memories Anew

  “SO, WHERE ARE you taking me?” Nichole had me pack a few things before shoving me into the car.

  “You promise you won’t get mad?”

  I shot my eyes over to her as she drove out of her neighborhood. “What? No way. I’m not promising anything.”

  She sighed dramatically. “Brandt insisted on taking you somewhere.”

  “What?” I shouted over the music and then flipped it off. “Nichole? What happened to surrounding me with serenity? Brandt is the opposite of peaceful right now.”

  She shrank in her seat. “I know, but I talked to Dr. Caldwell and she thought it was a good idea since you had your first memory with him.”

  “Kissing him, Nichole. I can’t just go make out with the guy so I can remember my name,” I exclaimed, sitting back in the seat and shrugging.

  “Why not? You know he wouldn’t mind.” She chuckled.

  I rolled my head to her and glared.

  “Look, Bay, if this is what it’s going to take to get your life back, then I’m kidnapping you.”

  “You aren’t the one doing the kidnapping, though. Brandt is.”

  “True, but he’s so much cuter, and I imagine a way better kisser,” she teased.

  “This isn’t funny.” I pouted, and when she started up the long hill to Grady’s house, my body tingled with anxiety. She was really doing this. “I’m scared,” I confessed. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

  She scoffed. “Are you kidding me? He was begging for me to make this happen. I mean, begging, Bay. He wants to see you and I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. He knows what he’s signing up for and he’s not complaining.”

  I mulled over what she was saying. He did know. He knew I was a wreck and, yet, he still wanted to see me.

  I let out a defeated breath, closed my eyes, and steadied my nerves as she parked in the driveway next to Brandt’s car. He was leaning on the back with one leg crossed lazily over the other and adorning a warm smile.

  “Why didn’t you just drop me off at his house? He lives right next door.”

  She shrugged, but didn’t answer as she grabbed my bag from the back and plopped it on my lap. “Have fun.” She grinned wickedly.

  “You’re terrible.” I laughed, taking my bag and sliding out. I waved as she reversed and sped down the hill, leaving Brandt and me to figure out what was next.

  “Hey.” He pushed off the car and reached for my bag, popped the trunk, and tossed it in.

  “Hey, yourself.” My heart felt like a fist on a punching bag and I hid my noticeably trembling hands. I refrained from twisting my hair, knowing it would only make him remember someone he had lost.

  “Thanks for agreeing to coming.” He opened the passenger side door for me.

  “You mean the kidnapping?” I arched a playful eyebrow.

  He dipped his head and rubbed at the smile tugging on his lips. “Yes, okay. I am kind of kidnapping you, but it was doctor approved.” He pointed his finger in the space between us.

  “True.” I stepped to the door, catching a fresh scent of his morning shower eliciting tingles under my ribs. Our arms brushed as I got in and my muscles tightened for just a moment, enjoying the intimacy of something so simple. Something so innocent.

  He squatted in front of the door and took my fingers in his hand, caressing them slowly and retreating somewhere distant for a second before his green eyes met mine and said, “I missed you.”

  And that was when I saw the dark circles and the demons floating
in his irises. I wasn’t entirely sure how it was possible to feel what we did for each other in such a short time, but it felt as if I had known him my whole life.

  He lifted my fingers to his lips, kissed them softly, and then placed them on my lap.

  We drove in perfect silence for the first hour, with the windows down and the sounds of cars passing and the wind spinning around us. It was what I needed. Time to just process what had happened since waking up. Time to reflect.

  The traffic wasn’t too bad as we drove out of San Diego toward Los Angeles. “Where are you taking me?” I finally interrupted the silence and asked curiously.

  “I wanted to show you where I grew up.” He glanced over to check in with me. “If that’s okay?”

  I was a little stunned because this was the place that had ruined them, but if it was something he needed to share with me, then I wanted to be there for him like he had been for me. “Of course.”

  Another couple of hours passed when we drove into a residential neighborhood. He pulled up to a curb in front of a beautiful two-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac. The yard was unkempt, hinting at its abandonment, making my heart ache. “Is this your house?” I asked.

  He shook his head slowly as he looked past me to the house. “This was Tessa and her sister’s house.”

  “Oh,” I said softly and took his hand in mine. He squeezed it and flashed an approving smile before it quickly faded. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about anymore, but I’d love to take a walk with you, if you don’t mind.”

  It was a hot summer day in the valley, but there was a breeze that dried the stickiness on my skin. I was wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts that Nichole had lent me and Brandt was in board shorts and a T-shirt.

  We held hands as we walked around the neighborhood. It was peaceful. And then my hand tugged hard on his and my feet stopped moving. My mind was hijacked by another memory.

  There was a hot pink bike and me as a little girl with a wary look on my face and blonde pigtails. I was afraid. My little heart was racing, and my little hands were trembling. I wanted to be brave, but I had fallen the last time I tried to ride my bike and scraped my knee. Someone was behind me holding on to the bike, keeping me balanced. I looked straight ahead to an abandoned flat street. It was perfect for learning how to ride and I was wearing knee pads, elbow pads, thick fabric wristbands, and a helmet. I looked completely ridiculous, but I was protected, and that was the intention. To protect me so I had the courage to try again. An amazing parallel to my current situation.

  The bike started moving slowly at first, and the handlebars wobbled under my grip, but I could feel the encouragement coming from whoever was pushing me. As the bike accelerated, it became easier for me to control it. My little legs pedaled quickly, and I was almost to the end of the street, making me wonder when they would let go. That was the hardest part. Anticipating when I would be on my own. I giggled as I reached the end of the street, putting my feet down to stop. I looked back and saw my dad halfway down, jumping up and down and waving his hands animatedly. Then I heard his voice cross the distance between us. “You did it, Baylor,” was all I heard. It was all I needed to hear.

  "Baylor," I said quietly as I choked on a few tears. "My name is Baylor." I heard an exasperated gasp from Brandt, bringing me back to him. I looked into his eyes through tearful joy and said it again more confidently. “My name is Baylor.”

  "It's nice to meet you, Baylor.” One side of his mouth twitched under the gravity of the moment. He took my cheeks in his hands and kissed the corner of my eye where a tear was threatening to fall, and then he placed his forehead on mine, closing his eyes, and whispered, “Baylor.”

  It was overwhelming, standing there in his arms, on this street, with the memory. My past was swirling around me, so close to revealing itself, and yet all I could think about was Brandt and how much I cared for him. How much I didn’t want to lose him when it all came rushing back.

  He pulled away, brushing his thumbs under my eyes to wipe a few stray tears, and took my hand in his and we walked again with the weight of our pasts one step behind, almost in sync with us, but not yet. Not quite.

  As we walked, I replayed the image of my dad over and over again.

  I remembered my dad.

  I remembered my name.

  The Santa Ana winds were intense in the valley and had picked up as the day went on. It helped to fill some of the silence that fell between Brandt and me from time to time. We sat on the front porch of the house. Brandt was sitting beside me staring off into the street, or maybe somewhere else entirely. His face stubble proved days of neglect, showing a rugged side to him.

  “Why didn’t the house get sold?” I asked while scraping a little stick along the walkway.

  “Holding on to the past,” he said in a daze. “What was your dad like?” He turned to me.

  I smiled widely, going back to the memory. “He was everything,” I replied simply. And then I giggled.

  “What?” He smiled curiously.

  I jumped up and held out my hand for him to shake. "Hi, my name is Baylor."

  I had a name and it was magnificent.

  His eyes lit up as he stood right in front of me, but instead of shaking my hand, he used it to pull me toward him. When his lips finally touched mine, the world spun around wildly, my chest tightened, and my heart froze. The memories of my life flashed before my eyes.

  All the pain, the love, the joy, and the disappointment invaded the promise of a perfect love and took hold of every muscle in my body. My body, seized by the past, went limp and fell into his arms. My apologetic eyes were nothing compared to the horror in his. With one shared glance, we both knew a code had been cracked, and the message was bleak.

  "I remember."

  Love at First Sight

  Three Years Earlier

  "I CAN'T BELIEVE I let you drag me here!" I yelled over the loud music. It was my sister's eighteenth birthday today, and she thought it would be fun to come to the Vineyard and try to hook me up with her boyfriend's brother. I barely remembered him from high school. Then there was the loud music and dancing, none of which seemed appealing to me.

  "Oh, come on. You can't act like this. It's my birthday."

  She pulled me across the dance floor to a table she had reserved, thank goodness, or I would have been done in less than an hour with these heels she made me wear. I sat down and immediately kicked them off.

  "Really? You're ditching those killer shoes already? They have studs," she exclaimed excitedly.

  "Well, you just expressed enough enjoyment for both of us." I laughed.

  "It's called shoe porn, Bay, and those have that written all over them."

  "Wow, you have taken this to a whole different level, Tess."

  She jumped up. "There's my man." She leaped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and kissing him passionately.

  Grady was definitely not bad to look at, so I imagined those kisses were well earned by both. They had been together since Tessa was a freshman. I never really looked at him that way, although we had become really close friends. In fact, I was there for him more than once when Tessa broke up with him. They had both been conspiring to get me to meet his stepbrother ever since he moved back. I had successfully avoided the dreaded blind date for three months, but I couldn't avoid her birthday party, so here we were, and here I was about to meet the guy. I twirled my hair nervously, but I didn't see anyone with Grady. He came over to the table and scooted in next to me.

  "Hey, Bay. You look great."

  Generally, I would argue, but tonight I had put a lot more effort into my appearance than normal. I had done my eye makeup, put on lip-gloss, and wore a tight black dress that left little to the imagination. "Thanks. So, where's this supposedly to die for stepbrother of yours?'

  "I don't know if he's to die for—"

  Tessa jumped in, "Ummm…yes, he is. Sorry, babe, but your brother's h
ot."

  "Fine. He's to die for." Grady succumbed to the peer pressure. "He's running late. He had to finish up work."

  "Oh, okay." It was hard hiding my disappointment. I was actually kind of excited to meet him now, and I wanted to just get it over with so the nausea in my stomach would subside. After being subjected to Tessa and Grady's make-out session, I retreated to the outdoor patio.

  The view was spectacular, and it was quiet. Well, quieter, at least. I could still feel the base of the music under my heels. There were a few kids smoking in different corners, and from the smell, it wasn't just cigarettes. I had never understood the appeal of drugs and alcohol, but I also didn't judge. I knew Tessa smoked pot from time to time, but she always promised me that she would call me if she needed me for anything. She was a pretty responsible kid, and I was proud of her. She wanted to get into Stanford right out of high school, but it wasn't in the cards for her, so she was at the local community college. She was going to be an earth scientist. Totally fitting for her. She'd always been the environmentalist in the family, keeping us all in check. I, on the other hand, hadn't decided on a major, and I was the older one. My parents never pushed me because they knew I was the artist. They wanted me to find something I loved like Tessa, but what I loved wasn't practical, so I struggled to commit to anything. I finished my credits at a community college as undecided and still hadn't applied to any universities.

  I leaned on the railing that overlooked the lights of the city below. We used to joke that the lights were the stars, because it was always too bright in the valley to see that many in the sky.

  Somebody came and stood next to me. Great. I rolled my eyes. I wasn't in the mood to be hit on by some frat boy. Maybe he wouldn't be drunk since this was eighteen and over night. He would more than likely be high, though.

  "Do you mind if I stand here? You stole the best viewpoint."

  I had to turn to see who was attached to that voice. It was deep and charming and had probably melted the panties off many girls.

  I made eye contact and my breath hitched. He was as gorgeous as his voice and he held out his hand.