Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  Brandt got up and kneeled down in front of me, so he could see my face. "You will always deserve it. No matter what."

  I hugged him tighter. “Would it be okay if I talked to Grady for a minute?”

  “Of course.” Brandt kissed my cheek and left us. Grady scooted to the edge of the bed.

  "Hey, Grady?" I was fidgeting with my fingers trying to find the right words.

  "What's up, Bay?"

  "I remember you kissing me," I blurted out. I studied his face and saw the regret register. "And I remember letting you." I wiped my sweaty palms on the sheets.

  "Look, Bay, you don't have to do this. I know why you did it. I know you love Brandt. Even when you couldn't remember you loved him, you still loved him. You guys have the same connection Tessa and I had. I didn't mean to cross the line like that. It's just…hard sometimes, but I don't want you out of my life. I promise I'm doing better. I'm learning how to live without her. I even…" He stopped short.

  "What? You what?" I pressed.

  "I didn't plan on telling you right now. I wanted to wait."

  "Tell me what?" It was hard to hide the anxiousness growing in my voice.

  "I got a soccer scholarship to Berkeley."

  I was stunned. Not because he got a scholarship—he was an amazing athlete—but because he never talked about college. Ever.

  "Dude, say something." He nudged me.

  "I'm trying. I'm just…I don't know what to say. That's great, Grady." I was happy for him, but sad at the same time. "When do you start?"

  "Two weeks."

  "Oh, wow. Okay. That's, like, soon."

  "Yeah." He hung his head and shuffled his foot around nervously on the floor.

  "I think it's really great, Grady. This is your second chance at everything. I never understood why you didn't go when the recruiters wanted you, so this is perfect." He gave me a questioning look. "Really, I mean it."

  "Thanks, Bay. I was nervous to tell you. I didn't want you to think I was abandoning you again."

  "I know you wouldn't do that. You need this. You deserve this." I leaned over, resting my head on his shoulder.

  "I love you, Bay. Thank you for coming back."

  "I love you, too."

  "Trying to steal my girl again?" Brandt peeked in the room.

  Grady jumped off the bed with his hands up and said, "I'm innocent, I swear." They both shared a brotherly joke. "I told her about Berkeley."

  Brandt smiled proudly. "It'll be fun to see you play on my field."

  "Your field, huh? We'll see about that once I've wiped the grass with you."

  "Nothing has changed." I laughed as I jumped in between their banter. "Let's go get dinner."

  "Where do you want to go?" Brandt asked.

  "Why, our restaurant, of course." I scoffed playfully.

  "Ki's it is."

  Brandt took my hand in his, and I felt it. I felt the fire again. Something I never imagined I would feel again. The cloud of numbness was finally fading.

  "You good?" Brandt was watching me.

  "I'm good," I said. I was going to make it this time.

  My mind had hidden away the memories, protecting the forgotten treasures. Pain and heartbreak were hard, but to think of a life without my parents and sister would have been gut-wrenching.

  Saying Goodbye

  WE DROPPED GRADY off at his apartment. I was slightly confused as we drove up the big hill to Grady's house instead of going back to the bungalow.

  "My stuff is at Nichole's."

  We lived around the corner from Nichole, which I had put together once everything came back to me. I didn’t know her before my accident, though. She started working at the restaurant right after. She took a chance on my friendship and I really liked her. I was hoping we would become good friends.

  "I know." He winked.

  "You're being oddly mysterious, Mr. Reilly." He stayed silent with his secretive grin flashing his beautiful dimples. "Fine. I'll play." I sat back and relaxed. When we pulled into Grady’s driveway, the floodlight illuminated a huge Welcome Home banner across the garage. It took a moment for the true meaning of the sign to sink in.

  "This is your house." I gasped.

  "Our house. It was supposed to be your belated wedding present. It was completed just before you…I thought it would help us start over."

  I was shaking my head in complete disbelief. "This is…so thoughtful, Brandt. It's…perfect."

  He took my hand. "You took my breath away when I first met you, and then when we met after the coma, you did it again. It doesn't matter what life we live, Baylor. We have proven twice we were meant to be together."

  "No matter what," I repeated his infamous words.

  He scooped my cheek in his hand and kissed me tenderly. With every touch, I was feeling more and more alive again. The ache was still there, but I was healing.

  The heat between us increased exponentially as his hand slid to the back of my neck and gripped me tightly. I climbed over the center console and straddled him, going deeper into the moment. My fingers remembered every thick strand of hair, and my lips savored the taste they had missed so much.

  "Let's take this inside," Brandt whispered down my neck.

  He cupped my bottom, threw open the door, and managed to carry me out of the car to the front door, all the while devouring my lips. Our breathing was rushed, and our sounds far from silent. He kicked open and closed the front door, carried me down the hallway, and threw me onto the bed. Not skipping a beat, he climbed on top of me and planted kisses all over my neck, only pausing to slip off his shirt and toss it onto the floor.

  "I've missed you so much, Bay."

  "You'll never have to miss me again."

  I WOKE UP the next morning tangled in the sheets alone, but I instantly caught a whiff of my morning addiction mixed with some bacon and possibly pancakes. This man knew the way into my bed and heart. I jumped out of bed, but instantly felt dizzy and crashed to the floor. I heard footsteps race to me.

  "Bay?"

  Brandt was by my side in an instant. "I'm fine. I'm just a little dizzy. I probably need to eat. Can you grab my robe, please?" I was pathetically naked on the hardwood and feeling the morning chill.

  He threw the robe over me, and I slid my arms inside as he helped me to my feet.

  "Let's get you fed."

  He kept his arm secured around my waist until I was safely on the bar stool. He put a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of me and slid me a cup of coffee. I grabbed for the coffee first and inhaled its aroma deeply as I took the first sip. Brandt chuckled.

  "What?"

  "Some things never change."

  I joined him in the carefree moment. "I guess not."

  He sat next to me with his plate and dug in. Everything was delicious. It was almost as if I were eating everything for the first time, but remembering it at the same time. It was both confusing and wonderful.

  "Are you feeling better? I mean, I know I'm an animal in bed, but I didn't mean to literally take the life out of you," he joked and I laughed hard. Probably harder than the comment warranted, but it reminded me of the days before all the darkness.

  "And apparently, I have super powers of laughter," he added.

  "All sorts of super powers, Mr. Reilly. All sorts." He leaned over and kissed me, giving me a taste of the bacon on his lips. "You taste very yummy."

  "Oh, do I?"

  He kissed me again. This was what I imagined it being like after we got married—moving into a new house and kissing over breakfast. This was how it was supposed to be, and I finally had it. I finally felt it. "I love you."

  "I love you, too."

  We spent the day lounging around the house and making plans to decorate it. Completely ordinary newlywed stuff and it was fun. I was sad when I came here with Grady, and it was so plain. Plain wasn't the right word. Lonely. I was delighted to put some life into it.

  Summer was still hanging on, so it was a comfortably warm evening as we sat
on the patio enjoying the sunset. Brandt had become contemplatively quiet.

  "What's up? You have that wheels-are-turning look."

  He looked over apologetically. "I think you should go to the doctor."

  "Why? I'm fine. It was just a little dizzy spell."

  "You're pregnant," he blurted out.

  "What?" I shouted. The world was spinning again, but I needed to get up and walk. I went over to the edge of the cliff, trying to calm the anxiety in my chest. Brandt rushed next to me.

  "I wasn't sure when or how to tell you. I’m sorry.”

  "I don't understand," I mumbled.

  "I didn't know at first. The hospital didn't know. It was too soon when you were admitted to see it."

  I flashed back to the night I had attempted suicide. We had slept together right before. I had wanted to give myself to him one last time, never imagining I would get pregnant. It was the furthest thing from my mind.

  "They did regular blood panels when you were there. They discovered it in your last blood panel before you woke. They didn't have the results until your follow-up appointment with Dr. Surai."

  I remembered Dr. Surai running down the hall after us, but I was so nauseous from shock I had retreated into the bathroom, and Brandt had talked to her. "I asked you what she wanted, and you said nothing." I clutched my stomach, trying to hold the panic attack at bay.

  "I know." He put his head down in shame.

  "I—I—" My mouth was dry, and I couldn't speak. I was completely terrified. I couldn't go through losing another child, and I wasn't ready. I was just getting back to a semblance of normality.

  "I can't do this." I ran back into the house and locked myself in the bathroom. I leaned over the sink, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.

  "You know I'm not a fan of locked doors," Brandt said through the door.

  "Please, just give me a minute. I won't hurt myself."

  I just need a minute.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and remembered the day of my pre-wedding reception when I had done my makeup and curled my hair. It was such a rarity, but the person in that reflection then wasn't the same one looking back at me now. I was a different person.

  I lifted my shirt and looked at my belly. The incision scar was still red, but it was healing. Very slowly. I rested my hand on it and imagined a life with kids. It was hard after losing one, but it was something I still imagined. I put my shirt back down and studied my face again.

  I wasn't a different person.

  I was a new person.

  Brandt knocked again, and I opened the door hesitantly.

  "I know this is soon…too soon and maybe a little weird to find out like this..."

  "Weird is not quite the right word for this."

  "Yeah. Are you mad?” He searched my eyes.

  "No, it's just a lot right now." My heart was still pounding and the sense of calm from breakfast had all but disappeared.

  He took my hand. "We can do this, Bay. I know it's not what we would have wanted right now, but –”

  "It's not that I don't want this. I do. I want a baby. I just thought it would be later. A lot later. When I wasn't so messed up still."

  "You're not messed up, Bay. The light that I fell in love with returned yesterday. It's here." He placed his hand on my chest. "It's strong. You’re strong. And that is why I know we can do this. What happened with our other baby was a tragedy, but I have to believe the universe gave this to us to help us heal. I have to believe that."

  "You've always had so much strength. Where does it all come from?"

  "From loving you, Bay. It all comes from loving you."

  My heart stopped for just a second. "I am the luckiest girl in the world. Thank you for giving me a little piece of you."

  "Not a little piece. You have it all."

  He kissed me softly and then rested his forehead on mine. "We're having a baby."

  "Does Grady know?"

  "No, I wanted you to tell him when you were ready."

  "He's leaving, Brandt, and he needs this, too. What if he changes his mind because of what happened before? He has to go."

  "I know, and that's why I have faith you will know exactly what to say to make sure he still does. I've never understood the bond you two have, and I've been jealous of it at times, but I'm glad you guys have it. He needs someone like that. Someone to keep him grounded and kick his ass when it's called for."

  "You can always count on me for a good ass whooping."

  "Yes, I know."

  He hugged me tightly.

  We were having a baby.

  "WHERE ARE WE going?" Grady sat in the passenger seat.

  "You'll see."

  "You realize I'm leaving at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, right?"

  "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were wearing your little boy tighty-whities today."

  He looked like he was trying really hard to find a good comeback, but he laughed obnoxiously loud instead. "That was a good one."

  "Thank you. Now put on your big boy patience pants."

  "Yes, ma'am."

  I drove down the atrocious 405 Freeway. We got lucky, though, because traffic was actually moving. We had just missed the morning traffic by leaving before dawn.

  "So, what is the big man on campus going to do first?"

  "Drink," he answered. I shot him a disapproving glare. "Kidding. There's a team meeting in the afternoon and then a party put on by the club. Just going with the flow."

  "That's great. It sounds like a lot of fun. You're twenty-one now, so this is what you should be doing."

  "Well, I imagined sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but I guess I can settle for sex, school, and soccer. The three S's."

  "Wow, that's clever. And, oh so classy, but I approve. Have fun and don't forget about the little people when you get recruited for a pro team."

  "I'll think about it."

  I stole a quick glance and admired the new man sitting beside me.

  "I'm sorry I missed your birthday."

  "It's okay. You had a good excuse." He winked.

  Three hours later, we had finally made it.

  "You brought me to the cemetery?"

  "Yep."

  I pulled into a spot and reached back for the brown bag I brought and carried it out with us. Grady slammed the door and followed.

  I walked by my parents' gravestones first, kissed my hand, and touched the tops as I made my way to Tessa's. There were fresh flowers on all their sites. They were well loved by the community, so I wasn't all that surprised. I reached into the bag and grabbed a big bunch of forget-me-not flowers and handed some to Grady.

  "It's hard being here," he mumbled.

  "I know, but forgetting isn't the answer. We need to remember, but move forward, and that's what you're doing. You're moving forward while holding on to the life she gave you."

  "And what a life it was," he whispered.

  "She was one of a kind, for sure."

  We stood in a moment of silence, clinging to the private memories we shared with her. When we were done, we sat on the grass nearby.

  "Thank you for bringing me here." He smiled.

  "You're welcome. I hope it shows you that no matter what, you have to keep moving forward for her."

  "It does. You know, she was always pushing me to apply for the scholarship."

  "Why didn't you? Wait, I already know. You didn't want to leave her."

  "I didn't want to lose her."

  I let that resonate. He knew he was already losing her, so that could have been the end of them. "I understand, but you didn't even apply to Stanford with her."

  "I wanted to let her have that as her own, but I still wanted to be a part of it in some way. We had the business, so going to college wasn't a necessity or a priority for me. I just wanted to make her happy…" His voice trailed off at the end, and his daze became unfocused. "But I saw it when we were there that I was already losing her. She was pulling away, and the tighter I tried to hold
on to her, the worse it got."

  "She loved you, Grady. The miscarriage messed with her head, but don't ever, for a second, think she didn't love you. That girl loved you more than she could ever express."

  "Thank you for telling me, because I wondered a lot about that after the accident. I beat myself up trying to figure out what I did wrong, retracing my thoughts until I drove myself mad."

  "You mean to drinking."

  "Same thing."

  "True."

  "That reminds me," he said as he pulled a joint and a lighter from his pocket. "This seems like a fitting send-off for us. Tessa style." He popped it into his mouth, lit it, inhaled, and reached it out to me.

  "I can't."

  "What? Come on, Bay. Just this time. For Tessa."

  "No, really, I can't." I took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

  He was inhaling another hit and choked it out. "What the hell?" He coughed harder.

  "Are you going to keel over? I guess this would be a very convenient place to do it."

  "Ha-ha. You're hilarious. Are you being straight right now?"

  "Yes." My stomach knotted nervously.

  "Wow, this is—"

  "Nuts. I know," I cut him off.

  "I was going to say cool, but yes, nuts, too. When did this all happen?"

  "We slept together the night I tried to kill myself."

  "Whoa."

  "Yep."

  He took another drag. He blew it in the other direction, waving at the smoke dramatically, making me laugh. He then put the joint out on his shoe and tucked it back into his pocket.

  "Are you good with all this?" he asked carefully.

  "I'm trying to be. It's a lot so soon, but I don't really have a choice. Sink or swim."

  "'Sink or swim,'" he repeated and then shot his eyes up to mine. "I can't leave."